Should I tell her?

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm not sure which category to list this thread under, whether General Relationship Discussion, Friendship, Marriage, or Infidelity.

 

My very close almost lifetime friend is in a marriage of approx 8-10 years. Both she and her H have been married multiple times.

 

Neither have very good boundaries, imo.

 

There are a host of red flags that indicate to me he is possibly having, at the very least an EA.

 

She discusses their problems and issues with me but has never broached the fact of this possibility. To me, it's as clear as day that he may be involved with someone else, but I just listen when she talks and have never suggested he may be.

 

She is very much in love with him and there's no one else she's involved with or desires to be involved with.

 

Should I suggest to her the possibility he may be seeing someone else the next time she calls me for a listening ear?

[Satu]

Methinks that thou art too privy.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Methinks that thou art too privy.

 

Are you suggesting I shouldn't listen to her problems?

[Satu]

Take it in what sense thou wilt.

[preraph]

They've both been married several times, so neither probably takes it very seriously. This may be a good match for these two. You don't know if he is or not or if she is. I would just listen and never suggest it unless she asks you "So do you think he's cheating?" I think she sounds happy with him. They may even have an arrangement. Let her have her happiness for as long as it lasts.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks, Satu. I appreciate your viewpoint.

 

She's practically family and when she calls devastated and crying I'll most likely continue to be there for her. I just hate to see her blindsided when he leaves her permanently.

[LivingWaterPlease]

They've both been married several times, so neither probably takes it very seriously. This may be a good match for these two. You don't know if he is or not or if she is. I would just listen and never suggest it unless she asks you "So do you think he's cheating?" I think she sounds happy with him. They may even have an arrangement. Let her have her happiness for as long as it lasts.

 

Thanks, preraph, this is very helpful, but she does take their marriage very seriously and is devastated when he leaves her for weeks at a time.

 

She does still have some happy times when he comes home. But, he is coming home less and less and staying gone for longer periods of time, not taking her calls or texts, when he leaves. During times like this she calls and is crying and sorrowful. I just comfort her at these times but I can see the writing on the wall.

Edited February 7, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Satu]

Thanks, Satu. I appreciate your viewpoint.

 

She's practically family and when she calls devastated and crying I'll most likely continue to be there for her. I just hate to see her blindsided when he leaves her permanently.

 

 

“Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.”

 

 

Sorry, I'm in Shakespearean mode.

 

My reply was just to make you reflect.

 

There is a very significant line drawn here:

 

On one side of the line you are an uninvolved listener.

 

On the other side of the line you are an involved participant.

 

 

Thou shouldst reflect at length, lest thou shouldst choose incontinently.

Edited February 7, 2016 by Satu

[LivingWaterPlease]

“Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.”

 

 

Sorry, I'm in Shakespearean mode.

 

My reply was just to make you reflect.

 

There is a very significant line drawn here:

 

On one side of the line you are an uninvolved listener.

 

On the other side of the line you are an involved participant.

 

 

Thou shouldst reflect at length, lest thou shouldst choose incontinently.

 

That's fine, Satu. And you have caused me to reflect.

 

You and Preraph are both right.

 

It helps me to process it here, thank you for your replies.

 

"Thou shouldst reflect at length, lest thou shouldst choose incontinently." For sure.

[preraph]

Just comfort her. She's got her eyes wide open. She could tell you all this stuff and crying and all and then stay married to him and then resent you because you doubted him. So just let her handle it. It's not like she's a young lady with no experience. Just be her comfort and support and I bet she'll love you for it.

[Kaiten]

LivingWater, if this is multiple MARRIAGES for the both of them, then they should both be quite familiar with the concept of infidelity. I think you should leave them to each other. Neither of them sound as thoughtful as you, you who thought this over, then came to a forum for help.

 

You're probably ahead of them.

[LivingWaterPlease]

We shall see....still listening but keeping lips zipped as far as suggesting solutions or probabilities...appreciate all the input. So far as i know out of five failed marriages represented by these two, just one infidelity.

 

She does take this marriage very seriously and says it's her favorite and most compatible spouse out of the three. Interestingly, the first two were quite well-to-do with great careers and this third one who has her heart is intelligent and educated but has a difficult time staying with a job, bounces from job to job and field to field (is professional).

 

Friend is quite well educated, socially adept.

Edited February 18, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[anika99]

If he is away for weeks at a time, is staying away for even longer periods and doesn't answer your friend's texts or calls, I'm pretty sure the possibility of infidelity has already crossed her mind. She likely just doesn't want to discuss that possibility with you. Perhaps she feels that it would be disrespectful to her husband to discuss these suspicions with a friend or perhaps she is afraid to discuss it because she doesn't want it to be true so she's choosing a state of denial. In any case, I doubt that your friend, who has been married multiple times is too dense or naive to consider infidelity when her husband is absent and ignoring her and causing her pain. She probably wonders about it a lot. Just let her be the one to bring it up, and if she never brings it up then just assume that she doesn't want to discuss it and leave it alone.

[Tayla]

Plant the seed and see what sprouts.

 

Usually with my dearest of friends, withholding concerns is a form of deception to the honesty that was created. Weigh the options of how the information will be processed once conveyed. Most of my friends know that it comes from a good place when directed at the observation.

Taking the blinders off a friend can sometimes be tricky, proceed with probity.

[RRM321]

I don't think you should suggest the possibility of infidelity to her, but I see no reason you can't be the friend you are and ask her what troubles or pains her most about his absence?

 

Just completely open ended questions, and let her decide how vulnerable she wants to be with you. I think as others suggest she already knows.

 

I can imagine multiple divorces followed by a spouse she really wants to keep; though he is unfaithful - being a huge defeat to her self esteem. Keeping it to herself makes it less real; requiring no immediate action. Eventually, I think she IS going to need you - just, not for the step-up role you are asking about.

 

I'm assuming that what you would tell her is simply your reading of certain obvious behaviors and indicators typical of infidelity? This is an analysis I would wait for her to open. Denial is an emotionally acceptable cause for delay on her part.

 

I would not however, suggest withholding actual first hand knowledge if you have been a witness to the infidelity. The two of you being so close, this would merely make you a crutch for the cheater, and if she really is in the dark the delay could be dangerous.

Edited February 18, 2016 by RRM321