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How to build a friendship without rushing?


lauren_e

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I've known a colleague since the end of summer but we didn't really start texting until ~3 months ago. Unfortunately our days off never overlap and our work keeps us extremely busy so its hard to do things together. Once a week we volunteer at the same organization but she stays the entire day and I'm only there half a day and we only overlap for an hour or so.

 

We're both the same age (early 20s), work in the same field, live 20 minutes from each other and have many other things in common but I'm just not sure how to grow our friendship if we rarely overlap because of our jobs...

 

Texting has worked well and we often text back and forth until late at night. However, I feel like I'm usually the one initiating texting and am afraid that if I don't then she won't think to text me. I don't want her to think I'm desperate by always initiating the text but don't want to risk not communicating.

 

It is hard for me to make friends and I really feel like there is potential here but she is outgoing/has lots of friends (but not many in the area) while I'm pretty reserved and only have a few close friends. We've grabbed dinner after work twice in the last month and both had a good time but not sure if I can keep that up without being the one to always initiate it.

 

And she is thinking of temporarily leaving the area to go to a graduate program so I don't know how much time I have. Does anyone have advice for how I can keep growing our friendship without rushing it/being too desperate given the circumstances?

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Dude, you need to date her and quit with the platonic stuff... or somebody is going to snatch her right out from under you. Does she know that you're interested in her? Have you kissed her yet?

 

You're not going to come off as desperate, you're in danger of being the gay friend who isn't actually gay.

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Dude, you need to date her and quit with the platonic stuff... or somebody is going to snatch her right out from under you. Does she know that you're interested in her? Have you kissed her yet?

 

You're not going to come off as desperate, you're in danger of being the gay friend who isn't actually gay.

 

We're both the same gender and are both straight. I just want to be good friends and have a non-romantic friendship but not sure how to build a friendship when we our days off don't overlap and the fact that she could be leaving the are soon.

 

She's one of the few people in my work field that is my age and it is hard for me to make friends so this would be a perfect opportunity but I'm not sure how to build up the friendship.

Edited by lauren_e
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I think you're right that you need to not always be the one initiating it. So definitely let it go once in awhile and leave it up to her and see if she is invested enough to contact you and check up on you. If not, I wouldn't keep pushing for more time because she might think you're a work obligation or something. Hopefully, if you just stop texting, she'll text you or ask you something in person at work. Just don't always be the one. Give her a chance to see if she wants to do this or not.

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We're both the same gender and are both straight. I just want to be good friends and have a non-romantic friendship but not sure how to build a friendship when we our days off don't overlap and the fact that she could be leaving the are soon.

 

She's one of the few people in my work field that is my age and it is hard for me to make friends so this would be a perfect opportunity but I'm not sure how to build up the friendship.

 

Oh, well I guess I missed that somehow. I don't often hear of people strategizing on how to build same sex platonic friendships. I agree that you should step back and let her do her part to keep it going.

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I think you're right that you need to not always be the one initiating it. So definitely let it go once in awhile and leave it up to her and see if she is invested enough to contact you and check up on you. If not, I wouldn't keep pushing for more time because she might think you're a work obligation or something. Hopefully, if you just stop texting, she'll text you or ask you something in person at work. Just don't always be the one. Give her a chance to see if she wants to do this or not.

Yes I've tried doing that and sometimes she'll text me but more often than not I'll end up initiating if there is no communication for a few days. We work at different organizations in the same area and only see each other in person once a week for a limited time (unless we make dinner plans) so its hard for me to stay relevant because she is way more busy than I am.

 

One time I texted her a question after a few days of no communication and in her reply she answered the question and added that we should catch up soon which was good. I just wish that she texted me that first rather than inserting it at the end of a reply to one of my texts. How long should I be waiting for her to initiate a text to me before initiating one myself or give up on the friendship?

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Oh, well I guess I missed that somehow. I don't often hear of people strategizing on how to build same sex platonic friendships. I agree that you should step back and let her do her part to keep it going.

 

Yes sorry I guess this site might not be the best for posting about building a typical same-sex friendship but I thought I'd get more replies here than on other sites.

 

I'll definitely start leaving it more up to her to initiate communication but I'm just afraid the entire friendship may get lost all together :(

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It's the right place. There's actually another place for crush friendships. But it's a fine line.

 

Well, it sounds like she is at least somewhat reciprocating. Since you know how busy she is, I think I would just not engage in any trivial texting, but keep it to important things and making plans. You know, I have a friend who is hardly ever the one to reach out but would usually accept an invitation. It is strange, I think, but they get used to however it starts out, so I think that's yet another reason to sometimes let her be the one reaching out. It just may not be possible to start seeing her more and more if she's that busy.

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It's the right place. There's actually another place for crush friendships. But it's a fine line.

 

Well, it sounds like she is at least somewhat reciprocating. Since you know how busy she is, I think I would just not engage in any trivial texting, but keep it to important things and making plans. You know, I have a friend who is hardly ever the one to reach out but would usually accept an invitation. It is strange, I think, but they get used to however it starts out, so I think that's yet another reason to sometimes let her be the one reaching out. It just may not be possible to start seeing her more and more if she's that busy.

 

Yes I agree with you. I don't harass her with texts, only to make plans or talk about a topic I know will lead to a longer text conversation. She's always responded to a text I send even if sometimes it comes hours later.

 

I'm pretty confident that if I asked her to grab dinner, see a movie, etc. that she would go, similar to your friend. You have a good point about not starting out the friendship with me doing all the reaching out. She is busy in the sense that I think it is easy for her to forget to text me but if I asked her to do something I think she'd make the time.

 

There have been a few times where she reached out to me to help out at her work since we have similar jobs that are volunteer-based. I'm just afraid of her forgetting about me because she has a lot going on but she seems to be able to make time if I ask her to.

 

How long do you think I should let non-communication go before initiating something so I don't completely fall off the radar?

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I would say gauge it against how often she is making herself available to you. And it's a few hours before she answers is just fine and nothing to worry about, but if it gets to be three days, then cut back the frequency, and wait until she responds before you reach out again. I think you have enough common sense to know if she would start feeling pressured. Just always be mindful that sometimes people at work are afraid to cross other people at work, but it sounds like she likes you and wants to spend time and simply doesn't have too much free time to spend.

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Yes I've tried doing that and sometimes she'll text me but more often than not I'll end up initiating if there is no communication for a few days. We work at different organizations in the same area and only see each other in person once a week for a limited time (unless we make dinner plans) so its hard for me to stay relevant because she is way more busy than I am.

 

One time I texted her a question after a few days of no communication and in her reply she answered the question and added that we should catch up soon which was good. I just wish that she texted me that first rather than inserting it at the end of a reply to one of my texts. How long should I be waiting for her to initiate a text to me before initiating one myself or give up on the friendship?

 

Maybe she isn't into texting (not only with you but overall?) Try not to take it personally...Remember she did say that you two should get together dinner so that is a sign she is interested in the friendship and is investing in it. Don't focus so much on the texting. Focus on getting together and having fun together, doing dinners, seeing a concert etc., rather than how often the texting happens. Maybe idle chit chat isn't her thing as often as you like to text.

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Maybe she isn't into texting (not only with you but overall?) Try not to take it personally...Remember she did say that you two should get together dinner so that is a sign she is interested in the friendship and is investing in it. Don't focus so much on the texting. Focus on getting together and having fun together, doing dinners, seeing a concert etc., rather than how often the texting happens. Maybe idle chit chat isn't her thing as often as you like to text.

 

She is into texting a lot but maybe too much and that is why she forgets to text me (and maybe other people too) if she already has multiple different convos going?

 

I'll try to focus less on the texting aspect and more on what we end up doing as an indicator of our friendship. It is hard though because with every friendship I've had it seems like I'm always the initiator. Part of me wants to sit back and not say anything until she reaches out but I'm afraid to take that risk :/

 

Sometimes if there is no communication I feel like I should text every three/four days or so just to stay relevant since we usually just see each other a couple of hours each week. I always text about topics that will lead to a more detailed text conversation (and she seems fine with carrying out a long text convo) but I still feel like I'm being too desperate.

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You can't "build" a friendship by yourself. In fact, none of my closest friendships ever began with an agenda or expectation that they would become real friendships. On the contrary, we began as acquaintances and over time our interests, interactions & shared experiences developed into the basis of a true friendship. There was no pre-determined intent but the progression from being friendly to friends evolved through mutual interest.

 

Stop trying to "make" someone your friend. Enjoy getting to know them & let them to get to know you. Don't try to force or rush a friendship. You'll either end up in a hollow relationship or alone. Give it time and don't project your own needs on someone else. Learn to accept that not every person you meet--and like--will end up being a friend.

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You can't "build" a friendship by yourself. In fact, none of my closest friendships ever began with an agenda or expectation that they would become real friendships. On the contrary, we began as acquaintances and over time our interests, interactions & shared experiences developed into the basis of a true friendship. There was no pre-determined intent but the progression from being friendly to friends evolved through mutual interest.

 

Stop trying to "make" someone your friend. Enjoy getting to know them & let them to get to know you. Don't try to force or rush a friendship. You'll either end up in a hollow relationship or alone. Give it time and don't project your own needs on someone else. Learn to accept that not every person you meet--and like--will end up being a friend.

 

I guess I'm struggling with how to get to know her/hang out if we only typically just have nights and a few hours together each week. Texting has seemed like the best option of communication given both of our schedules but it seems like I have to do a lot of the initiating.

 

Though, when we do talk in person she usually does most of the talking so this is why I'm confused. And sometimes when we text she'll send long, thought out replies which I don't think she would if she thought I was annoying. Will I just have to live with being the initiator or will it eventually even out?

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I realize I'm a dinosaur, but I really think if you want to build a genuine friendship, most of your communicating should be in person or over the phone. Texting is very disconnected for a lot of people. I mean, they're doing it with strangers, too.

 

And realize that if you share all your chitchat in texting, you may lack anything interesting to say in person that isn't repetitive. Don't fall into that trap. Use texting just to make plans mostly. Then have plenty to say in person. And if she likes to talk a lot, then one way to her heart (and most anybody's) is to ask her a lot of follow-up questions and repeat back paraphrasing what she said so you validate her and are a good listener.

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I realize I'm a dinosaur, but I really think if you want to build a genuine friendship, most of your communicating should be in person or over the phone. Texting is very disconnected for a lot of people. I mean, they're doing it with strangers, too.

 

And realize that if you share all your chitchat in texting, you may lack anything interesting to say in person that isn't repetitive. Don't fall into that trap. Use texting just to make plans mostly. Then have plenty to say in person. And if she likes to talk a lot, then one way to her heart (and most anybody's) is to ask her a lot of follow-up questions and repeat back paraphrasing what she said so you validate her and are a good listener.

 

Yeah with my work friends that I see three days a week we never really text outside of work much but talk a lot in person. I guess I'm confused as to how to become good friends if we rarely get to see each other in person for very long. That's why I turned to texting.

 

I haven't sent any text messages in almost a week and there has been absolutely no communication between us. I'm so confused by what to do now without looking desperate :(

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But see, that's the problem with texting. Before texting, you hardly ever heard people complaining about being called too much or getting too many emails. But texting is very right now and disruptive and everyone has their own habits about it. Then it's just texting back and forth until you've talked about everything you know to talk about and you hit the wall. You shouldn't give all that away until you are seeing people face to face or what is there to say?

 

You can't just keep texting when you get no response or you do look desperate. Best to just give it a couple of weeks and see if she reaches out.

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