JelatineDessert Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 I have seen numerous facebook statuses where people say something like, "Real friends go long periods of time without talking to each other and don't question the friendship." Some people in the comments section agreed and some disagreed. However, if you were once very close with a friend for years and now you guys don't hang out or talk to each other as much as you did before, does it mean that your friend cares about you less? Is there any reason why the friend is not as close or reaching out as much? --Let's say you did not fight, you didn't do anything to make them leave, even after doing self-reflection. Like for example, lets say you have a friend for years, you text every other day and they reach out often, and sometimes you hang out every few weeks. Then you find that your friend is not reaching out as much or speaking to you every other day, and now it's down to like every 2 or 3 weeks. You tried your best to reach out, and when you ask them if there's anything wrong and why things are different. Your friend says everything's fine and says that just because you guys havent talked as much doesnt mean you should question the friendship. If this distance kept going for 5 more months, would you question the friendship or is it a normal thing in the evolution of close friendships? Any thoughts? Does a change in the amount a friend talks to you and hangs out mean they don't care as much anymore? Does it hold any meaning? Or is it just me overthinking? Does this vary from gender to gender? Do men exhibit this trait more than women? Please, share your thoughts and experience!!! Link to post Share on other sites
bigbaby Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 I think what it means when someone backs off from you varies. For example, if your friend got married, had a couple of kids and works two jobs, they are simply not going to have the time they used to have for friends. Otherwise, perhaps they don't feel as much in common with you as they once did. Instead of analyzing why too much or questioning them too much, I think it is important to realize that they have a right to their boundaries with people and have the right to move on, partly or in full, if they choose to and they really don't have to explain. If you push yourself on them or try to put a guilt trip on them, that will (justifiably, in my opinion) make them withdraw even further. Friendships ebb and flow, form and end, throughout life. It's rare to have a friend remain at the same level of closeness forever. I would suggest to anyone who feels a friend backing off that once you've made sure they're not mad at you or anything (as you did) then it's time to honor their wish, move on and cultivate new friendships to fill the void. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JelatineDessert Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 I would suggest to anyone who feels a friend backing off that once you've made sure they're not mad at you or anything (as you did) then it's time to honor their wish, move on and cultivate new friendships to fill the void. That makes me so depressed. I just don't want to lose my friend. Even when I asked them if it's something I did or if it's just cause they've become bored of the friendship or something (I don't actually think he's bored, I just got paranoid), he said, "I would never want you to feel that way. I want to be your friend till the day I die." He said, "Sometimes things change, you can't expect things to always be the same." So, I don't know if maybe I'm different, or my view on friendship is different. He'll still reach out much only like every few weeks. Before, it was every other day. I'm scared. Do things like this ever turn around? Link to post Share on other sites
bigbaby Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Is this a romantic interest? Either way, tbh I would find such intensity off-putting. I would not want the responsibility of having someone seem too needy about me. Here's the thing. You don't *need* this person as a main figure in your life or really at all. Even not having one single friend is nowhere near a fatal condition. I think it's much better to leave this friend alone and let them call you next time. Then keep it light, don't seem like you're trying to cling because people generally don't like that. I mean, I'm not saying you have but just in case... In the meantime, try meetup.com or other ways to make more friends. If you have several friends then you're not devastated if (or should I say when?) one backs off some. Sure, a friend might well back off for a while, then come back. The friends I've had long term and I have done this many times through the years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Any thoughts? Does a change in the amount a friend talks to you and hangs out mean they don't care as much anymore? Does it hold any meaning? Or is it just me overthinking? Does this vary from gender to gender? Do men exhibit this trait more than women? Please, share your thoughts and experience!!! This is an interesting topic. I've seen several variations of the 'unbalanced friendship' discussion, and its usually done in a way to make the person complaining over the imbalance feel like they're over reacting, being unrealistic or child-like in their concerns; its usually fueled with some glib anecdote of some telling how they neglect a friendship for weeks or months at a time and noone seems to be bothered and they're as close as ever. Now I'm not going to say that there is a standard number of communiques that friends should have, however there is something to be said about a lack of effort when it becomes blatant from one party. What I've learned about the difference in true friends and friends of convenience is the following: everyone can be friends when there are party streamers and dance music playing, true friendship is defined when its not convenient. When you tell them 'no', or you're the one that busy for a change, or you aren't available to entertain them. Those same people can rarely be as high-minded when they're the ones being told that you're not available. Link to post Share on other sites
JustGettingBy Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 There's so many arguments for both side that are valid, you could write a book about it and stil leave out important information. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 I'd rather have quality contact then quantity. I have childhood friends that I don't see or talk to that much because we are busy with life. In school we talked everyday because it was convenient & we had no other responsibilities. We keep in touch but it's not always easy. However, when the chips are down, we all know the others have & will drop everything to be there. So to me the fact that I don't talk to them daily no longer matters. Same with my sorority sisters from college. We lived together for +/- 4 years. It doesn't get much closer than that. FB actually keeps us connected easily & we now see each other every few years; it's hard when planes are involved. That doesn't mean I don't care about them. Hearing their voices in times of trouble & celebration is wonderful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deckard11 Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 I've always hated when people post that "Real friends go long periods of time without talking to each other and don't question the friendship." crap. Link to post Share on other sites
ExtraSpice Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Interesting topic. I have friends that I talk to once a year, literally. But when we talk there is no awkwardness or strange feeling, we talk as though we had been hanging out the same as ever. However, that is only with friends that live far away. Friendships with people that are in my proximity are a little different. I try to keep in touch and hang out every now and then though it is almost never daily. There have been times that a month has passed and we have not talked or hung out but I don't doubt the friendship or anything. So less contact in itself does not bother me or make me question anything but if I feel as though there is a clear imbalance on the effort being made then I will probably downgrade the friendship or at least my expectation of the friendship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Life is busy. Friends cannot see each other all the time. Most of my friends are mothers. Their children obviously come first. We text and chat on Facebook. No harm done and no hard feelings. I'm not insecure about our friendship because I know it isn't about me. If I see that I am more interested in a friendship than the other person is, I stop reaching out and I focus on other friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JelatineDessert Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 Would you guys agree that friendships go through waves? Should I be taking this personally?? Link to post Share on other sites
bigbaby Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Yes, I agree that friendships go through waves and no, I don't see a reason here to take this personally. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 As you get older and people's lives change, get busier, friendships change too but that doesn't mean they care less. It just means they are busy with their own lives and families. I have friends I see every week, some every few weeks or a month and one very close friend I rarely see and she lives not too far from me. She has 3 kids, all in hockey, basketball and volleyball. She works a lot too and barely has time for herself. Last time I saw her was 5 months ago, she had 2 hours in the afternoon called me and said come over now! So I did and we had a great time catching up. Ignore those sayings on facebook. Whoever posts those are usually aimed at certain people on their list or to get attention so people ask what's up. It's passive and immature. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JelatineDessert Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 As you get older and people's lives change, get busier, friendships change too but that doesn't mean they care less. It just means they are busy with their own lives and families. I have friends I see every week, some every few weeks or a month and one very close friend I rarely see and she lives not too far from me. She has 3 kids, all in hockey, basketball and volleyball. She works a lot too and barely has time for herself. Last time I saw her was 5 months ago, she had 2 hours in the afternoon called me and said come over now! So I did and we had a great time catching up. Ignore those sayings on facebook. Whoever posts those are usually aimed at certain people on their list or to get attention so people ask what's up. It's passive and immature. Yea but this friend and I, even if we didnt hang out for like months, we would still at least talk through text. I mean, i guesss being busy is kind of an excuse, but when someone doesnt reach out for like 3 weeks when they used to reach out every couple days worries me. Am i over thinking it or is that also normal? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 It is what it is. And what it is -- he just doesn't want that level of contact anymore. He also doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so he says you'll always be his friend, but he has chosen to limit the time with you. So you have to just stop bugging him and let it be what it is. You can't force someone to be around more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JelatineDessert Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 It is what it is. And what it is -- he just doesn't want that level of contact anymore. He also doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so he says you'll always be his friend, but he has chosen to limit the time with you. So you have to just stop bugging him and let it be what it is. You can't force someone to be around more. But what makes a person do that? I havent been negative, haven't been difficult to be around, I always make sure that I was positive and brought nothing but good vibes to my friendships. I also know he doesn't have feelings for me or anything, so that's out. Does he not like me as a person anymore? What makes someone not want to be as close in this case? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 You can't control another person by doing what you think is perfect behavior! You have to realize it's not up to you. He doesn't need a reason to do it. You may not have done anything wrong, though I'd venture to say you're overly clingly, probably. No one needs a reason. It's not a legal issue. They just don't want to spend that much time with you, that's all. You can't control another person and what they want. Stop trying. Don't keep trying to find another way in. He wants less frequent contact, so you need to respect that. Sounds to me like you have romantic feelings or this wouldn't be so hard for you. If so, you need to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 Interesting topic. I have friends that I talk to once a year, literally. But when we talk there is no awkwardness or strange feeling, we talk as though we had been hanging out the same as ever. However, that is only with friends that live far away. Friendships with people that are in my proximity are a little different. I try to keep in touch and hang out every now and then though it is almost never daily. There have been times that a month has passed and we have not talked or hung out but I don't doubt the friendship or anything. So less contact in itself does not bother me or make me question anything but if I feel as though there is a clear imbalance on the effort being made then I will probably downgrade the friendship or at least my expectation of the friendship. I'm exactly the same. There are friends I don't see often at all, but when I do, it's like no time has passed. There are no doubts in my mind those people are my friends. I only reassess things if I feel I'm putting the effort in and the other party isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
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