Friend being rude or am I being petty?

[sparkle222]

I made plans to go visit a friend who lives over an hour away--he initially invited me, I said no at first (we have a bit of a history from long back and my knee-jerk reaction was that it might be weird/lead us back to some grey zone), but then changed my mind and messaged back yes because I figured we've been just friends for a while, he's visited me, and it shouldn't be weird anymore. He then said he actually didn't want me to come on the days we'd discussed because he's going to parties with friends and doesn't want me as his plus one because it'd be awkward for him given our history (ok fair enough)--however, he agreed it would be nice for us just to hang out one on one and we scheduled a day. (This is not a date--we ended v badly as a couple. It's a weird friendship though.)

 

today he messaged me and asked what time i'd be leaving as he has another friend who wants to skype him that evening.

 

i know i'm being petty (he probably just wanted to brag that he has 'demands on his time' or whatever) but if if someone is taking a day off to travel an hour each way to visit you, isn't it a bit rude to essentially ask them to leave early so you can skype someone else??!

[preraph]

An hour is not a day off or anywhere near it. I don't know where you live, but where I live, Dallas, TX, it can take an hour just to drive across town to lunch. You've got a lot of resentment to be couching an hour's drive as if it's a real big deal, so it's probably not healthy to even be trying to be friends with the guy, who clearly doesn't want anyone to think he's actually with you and is very vocal about it. He just wants to know when you'll be there so he isn't just sitting there waiting for you and can resume doing other things. I get the feeling that you think since you're driving for an hour, that should give you carte blanche to get there just whenever and expect him to be at the ready and grateful for it. Not so. An hour is no big deal.

 

Not trying to be mean, but it's clear you have a little chip on your shoulder and are on the offensive with him. I get it given the history, but since you couldn't get along then, I don't see why you think trying to get along as friends without the benefits of dating is going to work. Yes, you can be friends sometimes, but it really depends on a lot of factors, and one is whether you can just plan and do an activity without it getting political and critical about every little thing.

 

I'm more mystified why he is interested in keeping a friendship. So many guys are not, once they know sex is off the board. If you feel he's posturing, just one more reason not to bother, IMO.

[sparkle222]

well i have to take public transport so it's actually more 2 hours each way (time to get to the station, changes, etc)--but i take your point

 

i think i'm angry more because i can't understand a) why he wants to keep up this friendship (for the reasons you mentioned--he's completely against us dating because he doesn't think we're 'compatible'; he dated someone after we broke up but from what i can tell he's been single for about a year now) and b) if he does, why he blows kinda hot and cold (really wanting to talk/see each other some days, then being in a bad mood other days, then acting like i'm just one of many female friends on other days, etc).

[sparkle222]

also, i think he doesn't want his home friends to see us together because i'm the one who ended it between us and it'd be embarrassing for him to show up among his friends (many of whom are in couples) with the girl who dumped him..

[anna121]

I sort of get why you're miffed, but given that you have to take public transport it seems obvious that you wouldn't be able to stay that late, right? So, I dunno - seems like a reasonable question to me.

 

I think this is more about the unfinished emotional business between you. Red flags all over the place.

 

I'd stay away from outings to see him, or, really, anything that says "quality time". Think about more neutral outings, like to a sporting event or a mall.

[sparkle222]

yeah i know, it didn't really help that this 'friend' is a single girl he met over the summer and who seems scarily like the girl he dated after me (he said that she wanted to skype mid afternoon, and i should just go off and do something on my own for half an hour while they skyped). i've tried to keep our friendship really neutral--we both promised we'd never talk about our personal lives to each other, because he really hurt me when he started seeing someone else after we broke up (comparing us, telling me he still liked me but that she was a better fit for him, etc); so i'm annoyed he's kind of not sticking to that, regardless of whether he's interested in her or not.

 

it also doesn't really help that when we saw each other a month or two ago we sort of got together but then he said although he still 'likes' me he'd never date me again because he could never spend the rest of his life with me (ok fine) so i know that any touchy-feely-ness on his part is now purely a short-term agenda..

 

problem is if i cancel now he'll just get annoyed and it'll make me look like i'm the emotional, temperamental one. i was quite looking forward to hanging out (had plans to go to a mall/sports kind of thing and to avoid any private places etc) but this has suddenly dredged up emotions again that aren't very pleasant to deal with. i also have exams coming up--hence why i called it a day off--and don't want to waste too much time getting emotionally het-up about him.

 

i too find it mystifying that he wants to stay friends. i'm pretty uptight (i am not/would not be a good friend with benefits), and i know i hurt him in the past (and he hurt me a lot too), and he's very clear that he doesn't want to date (he thinks we don't share the same 'values' in life, that i'm too uptight, too uppity, whatever; conversely i think he's immature and full of bs). he can't even use me as arm candy in front of his friends. we have some shared interests but no more than most normal friends. so what's he playing at?

[preraph]

I think you're basically waiting on him to see if he's going to change his mind or something. Seems like he's been too clear about it to have any hope left of reconciling in that way. I really think it would be better for you to just tell him you need to move on and stop the contact. Not leaving it up to him.

[The Way I Am]

You seem to have unresolved feeling for him. If you were just friends, it wouldn't bother you more that the person he wants to Skype with is another girl. You probably shouldn't go see him. If you want to be friends, you need some more space before you're ready for that.

[basil67]

If this doesn't fit in easily with your exam schedule, then postpone it. He's made it clear that other things have a higher priority than you, so he shouldn't take offence if you do the same.

 

That being said, I wouldn't bother spending two hours on public transport to see someone (male or female) who didn't want to be seen at parties with me or wanted to know when I was leaving.

[d0nnivain]

Why analyze it? He continues to shrink the amount of time he has available to you & you resent it. Simple: don't go. Tell him it seems like he has too many demands on his time & you don't want to intrude. Say you will get together another time (it's OK if that is a white lie & you have no intention of making good on the promise).

 

 

Then spend your time doing something you enjoy rather than traveling to him.

[sparkle222]

well, in the end he messaged me, apologised and said he'd move his Skype with his friend, and then asked if I could still come visit etc--I ended up going, and it was perfectly fine (just hung out in town and with his family--apparently he's fine with me seeing them but not his friends), although a couple days later I now feel a bit meh. (as in why did I just make such an effort to hang out with someone who clearly has such a weird attitude towards me and no interest in anything long term..it feels like s*** investing time in someone who a few months ago said he liked me but could never spend the rest of his life with me.)

 

he also said he'd be in the area where I live in a couple weeks for work and that we should hang out. (he even asked if he could stay over but I said no for obvious reasons). i don't know if i should blow him off now--I can't tell if it's just holiday loneliness getting to me but the idea of not seeing him again for a while/cutting him off seems just as bad as the idea of getting in some emotionally messed up thing with him. i also don't want to get in a fight with him.

 

he's not a 'bad' guy--annoyingly my family really likes him; they take his side (?!) and say it's my fault anyway that it didn't work out and that I'm too emotional about the whole thing. (but my family also think that he's eventually going to ask me out again, once he's 'matured'/figured life out, which I know he won't.)