The Other Side of the Coin

[Kaiten]

Not for the first time last night, my friend told me, "I let my ex come and spend the night. He stole my phone so I had to get a new one for $800. Don't know what I'm gonna do for rent now."

 

Again, this is not the first time this has happened. This particular ex of his stole something from him before, which led to their first breakup. Earlier this month, he told me that his most recent ex had caused him $200 in overdraft fees alone. My friend has stories like these for days. They all end with:

 

"*sigh* ... I guess I'm just too nice of a person."

 

Pattern-recognition is my prime directive. Could it be that my friend has a deeper issue? I know that his exes tell him that he's a bad person (he's told me so) and I think that this leads him to overextend his generosity to the point where he is damn near likely to be "had" so that he can tell himself that he wouldn't be in these awful positions if only he weren't so nice.

 

He will always be my friend, but I plan to talk with him about this to help him. Is there a psychology term for this?

[Downtown]

Is there a psychology term for this?

No, Kaiten, there is no officially recognized term agreed upon by psychologists. Moreover, as long as most religions view self-sacrifice as the only clear path to heaven -- and nations rely on the self-sacrifice of young adults during wartime -- there is little chance of excessive caregiving being included in the list of mental disorders.

 

Laymen often use a popular term, however, to refer to this behavior: "codependency." The most popular book on this subject is Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Her view is that "codependents" are controlling people who have a strong desire to control other people. My view, however, is that Beattie confuses the desire to be needed and to help with the desire to control.

 

This confusion largely arises because there is no definition of "codependency" that is generally accepted by the psychiatric community. Instead, there are many factions having differing views about it. There is no agreement that codependency even constitutes a disorder or dysfunctional behavior. That's why it is not defined in the APA's Diagnostic Manual (DSM-5). Indeed, it is not even mentioned in the DSM-5. Nor is it defined in the diagnostic manual of the World Health Organization (ICD-10), i.e., the manual used in Europe and many other countries.

 

Significantly, the members of the world's largest association devoted to codependency -- i.e., CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) -- have yet to agree on how to define it. That's why CoDA provides no definition of it at their website. Instead, they simply provide a grocery list of over 70 traits that includes everything but the kitchen sink. Those traits are listed in CoDA's pamphlet called Patterns of Codependence.

 

Granted, that term is defined in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. That definition, however, does not support Beatti's view of codependents as being very controlling people. On the contrary, Merriam-Webster says that codependents rely on others to control THEM. Specifically, it defines codependency to be:

a psychological condition or a relationship in which

a person is controlled or manipulated by another

who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin);

broadly

:

dependence on the needs of or control by another

Similarly, my experience is that most folks who have lived with an abuser for many years are not controlling people. Rather, they are excessive caregivers who keep helping others even when it is to their great detriment to do so.

 

I therefore like the simple definition that codependency occurs when one's own happiness is overly dependent on the happiness of another person. And I like Shari Schreiber's definition of it as occurring when a person's desire to be needed (for what he can do) far exceeds his desire to be loved (for the person he already is). Yet, due to the contentiousness associated with this term, I generally try to avoid the controversy by instead using the term, "excessive caregiver."