Rough Patch

[MiddleManMike]

I have a friend that is going through a divorce, she is a single mom and she was just fired from her job.

 

A week ago she was talking to her sister and said she might not be able to make it to Christmas this year and was feeling pretty bummed about it. So a couple of days ago I got her a Christmas card and put $1000 inside.

 

I explained there were no strings, no expectations and I just wanted to help her out a little bit since things have been going so rough lately. Initially she wanted to give the money back and I explained to her that I do these kind of things often but this is the first time it has been somebody close to me.

 

Every year around the holidays I generally give away or spend close to $5k helping people in need, I buy food, clothing and gifts for people and I never let them know who it is from, I told her this was no different and I wanted her to be with her family at Christmas.

 

Now she seems distant and hasnt spoken to me in 2 days. I really didnt think this would be a big deal, but it seems to have effected our friendship.

 

What should I do? If I screwed this up can it be fixed?

[CarrieT]

Have you talked to her about it? That is a large sum of money to just give in a card... Was there an explanation? She probably has all sorts of thoughts about accepting such an amount and it would be best to have a discussion with her.

[MiddleManMike]

Yes, she called me the day after she opened the card and told me she couldn't accept the money.

 

I explained to her that I do this kind of thing every holiday season its just that usually it is for people that don't know me on a personal level. (Friends) I told her if she wanted to give it back I would appreciate that but would rather have her donate it to a charity of her choice or buy clothes for kids she could donate to some organization.

 

There are no strings attached, zip, zero, notta. I dont want anything from her, I dont need it repaid and I will never hold it over her head in anyway in the future. That is not what this was about. I just wanted her to be with her family over the holidays. I wanted to help, I wanted to give.

 

Still havent heard from her since Sunday.

[privategal]

Yes, she called me the day after she opened the card and told me she couldn't accept the money.

 

I explained to her that I do this kind of thing every holiday season its just that usually it is for people that don't know me on a personal level. (Friends) I told her if she wanted to give it back I would appreciate that but would rather have her donate it to a charity of her choice or buy clothes for kids she could donate to some organization.

 

There are no strings attached, zip, zero, notta. I dont want anything from her, I dont need it repaid and I will never hold it over her head in anyway in the future. That is not what this was about. I just wanted her to be with her family over the holidays. I wanted to help, I wanted to give.

 

Still havent heard from her since Sunday.

 

Maybe her ego was bruised a little. I have alot of pride and cam never ask for help...it hurts me to do so and she may feel awkward.

Point is...you did a nice thing, prefaced it as such and explained it once more after.

She should feel loved and supported.

Id not worry nor apologize. She may not be a great friend if she would doubt your intention.

Id let her come to you and not reach out.

[preraph]

That's very nice of you. Sometimes money between friends does cause problems. I hope you explained to her that you usually donate $5000 to charities this time of year and that you'd rather give to someone close to you who needs it. Tell her again that you won't hear of her paying you back and not to ever worry about that.

[jen1447]

It probably is her being uncomfortable over the circumstances - feeling like a charity case, maybe expecting understanding from you and not money help, etc. None of that changes that it was a nice thing to do.

 

If I were you I'd let her have her space. Like you said, no strings attached, and I assume that means she doesn't even have to talk to you if she doesn't want to. (Letting her be may actually make it more likely she uses the money too. If you push it and 'cause a problem,' she'll be more likely to throw it back at you out of pride/resentment/whatever, strange as that sounds. If you just leave it alone she may calm down, tho I suspect she'll always feel a little weird about it and the friendship may never be the same.)

[MiddleManMike]

I get what you are saying Jen, but my problem is I want to talk to her, she is my friend. I never thought it would be weird to help her out and I never thought she would react like this.

 

She has gone through so much in the last year and she is kind of by herself, all her family lives out of state. She lost her career, her marriage and has a 2 year old daughter to take care of. It is sad all the way around but I never intended to add to her misfortune.

 

I almost wish I would have just kept to my previous plan and did these things anonymously to help out those less fortunate.

[privategal]

When something is done with pure intention it is clear to the reciever that it was a good intentioned deed. Maybe not at first, but later it may become more clear.

Dont second guess yourself, dont feel bad, and dont mention it again.

A tiny breather does not mean the friendship is over. You raised the bar a little, and shes got to adjust.

After some time, why dont you send her a neutral email like hey x, what are your thoughts on all the chaos in paris or san bernardino, or hey hows the job search, or I saw this awesome picture, reminded me of this or that...something just normal to get you back on track with no mention of the money or if she is mad.

Its not necessarily a sore subject, just its uncomfortable to recieve help...as I said, its mortifying for me...Ive forgotten my debit card a few times and have been at work with no cash starving and cannot even bring myself to borrow $5 for a day.

Don't take it personally, shes embarrased that she NEEDED it. Shes vulnerable.

Never bring it up ever again.

Remember it was a gift from the heart and so your all good.

[MiddleManMike]

More great advice, how long do you think should I wait before sending an email? Couple weeks? Month?

[jen1447]

I get what you are saying Jen, but my problem is I want to talk to her, she is my friend. I never thought it would be weird to help her out and I never thought she would react like this.

 

She has gone through so much in the last year and she is kind of by herself, all her family lives out of state. She lost her career, her marriage and has a 2 year old daughter to take care of. It is sad all the way around but I never intended to add to her misfortune.

 

I almost wish I would have just kept to my previous plan and did these things anonymously to help out those less fortunate.

 

I don't want to buck the trend w/privategal's advice if that's what you want to do, but if it was me and I felt I had to push the continued interaction, I think I'd have to address the elephant in the room. That means tho that you do expect something from her and there is a string attached, even if it's not tied directly to the money. (i.e. bc you gave her money she may feel beholden to you and if you say you want to talk and be friends she may feel obligated rather than genuinely inclined.) So I'd actually allow for the possibility that she wants to return the money, and if she does, take it back graciously and then don't allow yourself the same discretion of being butthurt over it. Maybe that'd give you a better idea what she's feeling, ha.

 

(Not trying to give you crap, just showing the other side for your benefit. )

[MiddleManMike]

I see that side as well, hey when did women start making sense? It has to be this forum and not the real world.......right?

 

 

Thank you both for your thoughts.......it rarely happens to me but now two totally opposite things make sense.

[privategal]

I would guage how often you spoke before this incident, if at times a few weeks went by, then Id allow that, because if shes been quiet and uncommunicative Id give her time to weigh this out and be like Oh man, he was being nice and here I am not even reaching out. I need to catch up with him.

Giving a gift like money then bringing it up again when its already under tricky circumstances is tacky just my opinion. If its no big deal, then the issue should not be raised again.

She might be quiet right now for nothing related to the money but because its a hectic time. If you reach out, don't bring up the cash...get things back to normal.

[privategal]

ps. if you reach out more than you had in the past, in a way its gonna kind of draw more light and attention to the whole friendship not being normal right now because you already did something out of character (and again it was super cool of you and no apologies or further explanation needed) so I just in the end would not reach out at all personally but I realize for you this means damaging the friendship as it seems you really want to talk with her....its just....for me, if someone is close to me, and there is a rift of some sort...in time...if it was my actions or attitude that got us there, I will reflect on that and see the other persons side or intentions, but if I am pushed to do so, I will back off even more. I think she needs to come to you quite honestly, and I don't think silence on your end would hurt the friendship.

Xmas is in 2 weeks, maybe drop a card with no gift and say Merry Christmas and something funny and nice but until then....if it were me, there would be no reaching out.

A close friend sent a $5 coffee card to me this morning, I mean it was only 5 bucks but I feel bad somehow, wish they wouldn't have spent the money, hope I expressed enough gratitude, so many stupid thoughts cross my mind over just one simple gesture see!!

[Candice Luna]

If I were the OP, I would have proposed a long term loan with no interest. She could pay you back whenever, be it 5 or 10 years. In my personal experience, this is more comfortable to the receiver and also to the giver (in the long term).

Want it or not, you WILL remember that you gave her that money for free, probably when she disappoints you in some way. We're all human.

 

You can contact her and propose to make that a loan if it makes her more comfortable. But next time, it's best to talk about it before you send the money.

 

It was a nice gesture, though.

[MiddleManMike]

Disagree completely, I could care less about the money it means absolutely zero to me. I can and will never bring it up because its something in the past and that is not where I am focused.

[MiddleManMike]

Well my friend sent me a text this weekend asking how I am and how my weekend was. I responded and asked how her weekend was.

 

Her response was she needs a break from being friends and doesnt want to talk to me anymore.

 

I havent responded and probably wont.

[jen1447]

I would if I were you - say sth like you're disappointed but you'll respect her wishes. Silence in this case looks like butthurt.

[MiddleManMike]

It doesnt matter either way.

 

I am butthurt that somebody I called my friend could be this shallow. I refuse to let this stop me from doing things for other people, in fact it just reinforced my resolve. This is on her not me.

[jen1447]

I could give you the whole devil's advocate perspective if you're interested, but I don't want to just bash you over the head with it since you seem like a good guy whose actions will end up having a positive impact (money) regardless of the fallout.

[winny]

So you don't have any romantic feelings for her?

If I were you and had no expectations as you say then I wouldn't feel bad if she spoke to me or not!

I would mind my own business n let it sink in to her that it was a selfless gesture and nothing more.

If she considers u as a friend as u consider her then sooner or later she should miss the friendship n communicate with u. If not then maybe u didn't mean much to her. Give her space n do your thing n let her reach out to you.

[winny]

Well my friend sent me a text this weekend asking how I am and how my weekend was. I responded and asked how her weekend was.

 

Her response was she needs a break from being friends and doesnt want to talk to me anymore.

 

I havent responded and probably wont.

 

Uh oh... She definitely thought u have some other intentions...

[preraph]

Well my friend sent me a text this weekend asking how I am and how my weekend was. I responded and asked how her weekend was.

 

Her response was she needs a break from being friends and doesnt want to talk to me anymore.

 

I havent responded and probably wont.

 

Whoa, pardner. I know you're upset but there's a big disconnect in your telling of the conversation. She texted you being pleasant asking how you are and how was your weekend. You said fine and responded in kind.

 

So what happened you're not telling us about to get to the part where she doesn't want to be friends or talk to you anymore. You don't have to explain, but it's obvious you're leaving something important out.

[MiddleManMike]

I could give you the whole devil's advocate perspective if you're interested, but I don't want to just bash you over the head with it since you seem like a good guy whose actions will end up having a positive impact (money) regardless of the fallout.

 

Jen you can always bash me over the head, I am non offendable.....my friends have ben working on me for year and there are few people with thicker skin than I

[MiddleManMike]

Whoa, pardner. I know you're upset but there's a big disconnect in your telling of the conversation. She texted you being pleasant asking how you are and how was your weekend. You said fine and responded in kind.

 

So what happened you're not telling us about to get to the part where she doesn't want to be friends or talk to you anymore. You don't have to explain, but it's obvious you're leaving something important out.

 

That is word for word text conversation.

 

I knew somebody was going to ask me this question because there is no flow to the reasoning. I got nothing to add, that is how it went down.

[MiddleManMike]

Uh oh... She definitely thought u have some other intentions...

 

I agree which is why I am not going to respond to her. There was no intent than trying to help her out which in retrospect was the wrong thing to do but if I could go back I would do it all over again the same way because my intent was pure.