I am about to terminate a friendship - is it the right thing?

[Lovezen_30]

I've been friends with this guy for a decade. We were always very close -- and always there for each other. He helped me through bereavements more than most people in my life. But, later, we lived apart a lot and didn't see much of each other. Regardless, we kept in touch via email and phone a lot.

 

Since we live in different cities we make a big effort to see each other when we actually are in the same area. The last time we met he was going through a rough time - this meant that he was offloading on me and I didn't get a chance to speak about my life at all (this is okay, I've done the same to him at times). Then he asked me to keep in touch but when I have tried to reach out a couple of times since then, he has ignored me completely. His contact has become more and more sporadic for the past 3 years.

 

When I was in his city for an event this weekend, I let him know several days in advance. He responded immediately & said that he would probably come meet me (didn't yet have plans). I said no problem, just let me know on the day. Guess what? He didn't even reach out to let me know he couldn't make it. He lives in the street opposite where the event was taking place. I have no idea when I will be in his area again. He knows that opportunities to meet each other are few & far between.

 

I am SO angry with him. I have never felt this way towards him in the whole decade I've known him and am planning to send him a message effectively saying "the friendship doesn't seem valuable to you anymore, but the door is open for the future should you want to connect". Fair?

 

Audrey Hepburn once said: “People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.” Is this really true? If a friendship starts to become rotten, then surely it can't be good to hang on to it?

Edited November 28, 2015 by Lovezen_30

[preraph]

Well, you know for sure you were not at the forefront of his mind, that's for sure. What you say or do is really up to what you feel like doing, but as far as reaching out to repair anything, that ball is now in his court and if you do it instead, it will only make him realize he can treat you any bad way he wants to and you will still come crawling. I'd do nothing and see if he reaches out and apologizes. If not, I'd let him go for good.

[Lovezen_30]

Well, you know for sure you were not at the forefront of his mind, that's for sure. What you say or do is really up to what you feel like doing, but as far as reaching out to repair anything, that ball is now in his court and if you do it instead, it will only make him realize he can treat you any bad way he wants to and you will still come crawling. I'd do nothing and see if he reaches out and apologizes. If not, I'd let him go for good.

 

About 1 1/2 years ago he told me he was "terrible" at keeping in touch and other friends had dubbed him a b*****d because of it. Once he disappeared for almost 2 years and then apologised!! He has apologised to me twice for disappearing now - "maybe you'll forgive me", expecting I will.

 

I just can't bear waiting to see if he apologises - he was active a lot on social media when he could been sending a simple text. It is difficult because he has went from being the most reliable person in my life at one time, to the person I can least rely upon. The problem with waiting for him to apologise is that I think it'll build more & I'll probably blow up in his face. The best part is - this event was a big live band outside his HOUSE. He could not have missed it or forgotten about it. That tells me he chose to not bother to contact me.

 

edit: I think I have reached the point where I just want to get rid of him. Can't believe how awful I sound - I'm a good person!

Edited November 29, 2015 by Lovezen_30

[LivingWaterPlease]

People treat you the way they treat you because of who they are, not because of who you are.

 

This is the way this guy treats his friends.

 

In your place, I'd just let it go, not say a word to him about it, and never try to get together with him again.

 

Most of us have had this happen with a friend at one time or another.

 

This kind of person is doing this to other friends, not just to you. You now know that this "friend" wasn't really a true friend at all. Nothing you can say or do will change that so don't waste your breath on him. Don't wait to see what he does or doesn't do. Assume he fell off the face of the earth and you'll never hear from him again.

[Lovezen_30]

People treat you the way they treat you because of who they are, not because of who you are.

 

This is the way this guy treats his friends.

 

In your place, I'd just let it go, not say a word to him about it, and never try to get together with him again.

 

Most of us have had this happen with a friend at one time or another.

 

This kind of person is doing this to other friends, not just to you. You now know that this "friend" wasn't really a true friend at all. Nothing you can say or do will change that so don't waste your breath on him. Don't wait to see what he does or doesn't do. Assume he fell off the face of the earth and you'll never hear from him again.

 

I think the reason I want to say something is more for my own narrative/closure. For some reason, I feel the need to say something - I even tried writing a letter I'll never send. But it doesn't feel final enough.

 

He was a true friend for several years - he was there for me during some of the hardest times of my life when others bailed. I will always be grateful - but he's not the same guy.

 

"Assume he fell off the face of the earth and you'll never hear from him again" - possible, but not necessarily. He often disappears for long periods then says "hey! Sorry, forgive me??" and I know this time I know I'd be like "no f**k you" which is ugly. Whereas I feel like I could calmly state my decision now before he does that.

Edited November 29, 2015 by Lovezen_30

[preraph]

You're giving him a bit of a pass because he's said he's also like that with other people, but while that may make you take it less personally, it's even worse he does it to just about everybody. You do train people how to treat you. Accepting the bare minimum is really not doing yourself justice.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I think the reason I want to say something is more for my own narrative/closure. For some reason, I feel the need to say something - I even tried writing a letter I'll never send. But it doesn't feel final enough.

 

He was a true friend for several years - he was there for me during some of the hardest times of my life when others bailed. I will always be grateful - but he's not the same guy.

 

"Assume he fell off the face of the earth and you'll never hear from him again" - possible, but not necessarily. He often disappears for long periods then says "hey! Sorry, forgive me??" and I know this time I know I'd be like "no f**k you" which is ugly. Whereas I feel like I could calmly state my decision now before he does that.

 

 

Well, you have to handle this the way it makes sense to you. People come and go in one's life. And we all handle that differently. I would let it go and if i happened to bump into him somewhere I'd treat him graciously but not allow myself to be in a close relationship with him again. The way he has behaved is unappealing to me therefore I would never be tempted to open up myself (be in a close friendship or express my personal thoughts) to him again.

 

I don't really feel ugly toward anyone who's done this to me. I feel more like, "Well, I enjoyed the friendship while it lasted, but this isn't someone I care to be close to anymore, time to move on!" There are plenty of people who will treat me respectfully as friends so I'll forget about someone who doesn't and move on to find those who will. I don't have a need to process it with someone who has mistreated me or to get closure with them as I get closure in my own mind about it.

 

That's just me and the way I deal with things and I'm not criticizing you for the way you need to handle your situation. It sounds to me as if you feel a need to hash this out with him so I encourage you to be true to yourself and do what you feel the need to do. Just because your need in this is different than mine would be doesn't mean I think you're wrong. I just see things differently, that's all.

[basil67]

I've got friends who I might see a few times a year - or sometimes we might go a year without contact. But when we pick up, it's like we've never been apart. We understand that the others have lives and we just fit in where we can.

 

If you expect your friends to be in contact frequently, then he's not the kind of friend who would suit you. But it's not a bad thing to be a laid back kind of friend who doesn't get bent out of shape when others are busy.

[AspenBaldwin]

I had a really bad experience with a school friend. She turned out to be crazy and completely manipulative. It was hard but it had to be done. It is until this day that I do not let anyone get closer enough as to be a 'best friend', just can't give that kind of trust to another human being.

[truthtripper]

You're giving him a bit of a pass because he's said he's also like that with other people, but while that may make you take it less personally, it's even worse he does it to just about everybody. You do train people how to treat you. Accepting the bare minimum is really not doing yourself justice.

Sounds like he's not good friend material. In real friendships there's reciprocation. If he's not making the effort that's his bad luck, not yours. You've tried your best, it's time to let go now.

 

I wouldn't bother texting him anymore if I was you. Whatever you say won't change his attitude/personality. You've already made it clear to him that you want to keep in touch.

 

I have to disagree with Audey Hepburn. Abusive relationships are not healthy.

[truthtripper]

I think I have reached the point where I just want to get rid of him. Can't believe how awful I sound - I'm a good person!

Has he been good to you? No. In fact he has passively abused you. You need to look after yourself. Stop putting his needs before your own. The way you are reacting is healthy! You are not being awful at all.

[truthtripper]

People treat you the way they treat you because of who they are, not because of who you are.

.

When people get to know you, they treat you how you treat yourself.

[Lovezen_30]

Well, you have to handle this the way it makes sense to you. People come and go in one's life. And we all handle that differently. I would let it go and if i happened to bump into him somewhere I'd treat him graciously but not allow myself to be in a close relationship with him again. The way he has behaved is unappealing to me therefore I would never be tempted to open up myself (be in a close friendship or express my personal thoughts) to him again.

 

I don't really feel ugly toward anyone who's done this to me. I feel more like, "Well, I enjoyed the friendship while it lasted, but this isn't someone I care to be close to anymore, time to move on!" There are plenty of people who will treat me respectfully as friends so I'll forget about someone who doesn't and move on to find those who will. I don't have a need to process it with someone who has mistreated me or to get closure with them as I get closure in my own mind about it.

 

That's just me and the way I deal with things and I'm not criticizing you for the way you need to handle your situation. It sounds to me as if you feel a need to hash this out with him so I encourage you to be true to yourself and do what you feel the need to do. Just because your need in this is different than mine would be doesn't mean I think you're wrong. I just see things differently, that's all.

 

Thanks. Well I sent him a message telling him that in the absence of an explanation, I could only assume that the decade long friendship was no longer valuable to him and I would not be reaching out any more.

 

He responded grovelling for forgiveness, offered excuses and vowed to make it up to me. He said that I shouldn't take it personally because he is this way with everyone but wants to change. Oddly, I am unmoved. I am not ready to try any further with him right now while emotions are high.

[lchf]

This type of behaviour is what I've dealt with so many times OP. I have had many friendships in the past who I've worked really really hard to keep going and I receive nothing in return. I have a female friend who moved away a few years ago to another country and over the last 2 years Ive heard very little from her and has barely bothered to reach out to me. I was very close with her and we were always there for each other in times of hardship, but that's 5 year friendship down the hatch that I'm not willing to work for anymore. I've done enough. I called her out on it a few times and received the same excuses, too busy, keeps forgetting to reach out, promises to make it up etc. Nothing followed through, and there have been many like that.

 

I've terminated so many friendships like this because, well, I don't like sitting around waiting for people to make an effort when I've done so many many times. That's not what I feel is indicative of 'frienship'; just acquanitances. I think out of all the friendships I've had, only ONE of my best friends actually makes a dedicated effort to keep contact. He's a genuinely busy person being pulled in all sorts of directions, and he STILL manages to call and arrange fun stuff to do, includes me in his life etc. All the rest I can do without. So I appreciate your position and don't blame you for terminating the friendship.

[Lovezen_30]

This type of behaviour is what I've dealt with so many times OP. I have had many friendships in the past who I've worked really really hard to keep going and I receive nothing in return. I have a female friend who moved away a few years ago to another country and over the last 2 years Ive heard very little from her and has barely bothered to reach out to me. I was very close with her and we were always there for each other in times of hardship, but that's 5 year friendship down the hatch that I'm not willing to work for anymore. I've done enough. I called her out on it a few times and received the same excuses, too busy, keeps forgetting to reach out, promises to make it up etc. Nothing followed through, and there have been many like that.

 

I've terminated so many friendships like this because, well, I don't like sitting around waiting for people to make an effort when I've done so many many times. That's not what I feel is indicative of 'frienship'; just acquanitances. I think out of all the friendships I've had, only ONE of my best friends actually makes a dedicated effort to keep contact. He's a genuinely busy person being pulled in all sorts of directions, and he STILL manages to call and arrange fun stuff to do, includes me in his life etc. All the rest I can do without. So I appreciate your position and don't blame you for terminating the friendship.

 

This would be my concern.

 

So, his response: he sent me a couple of huge messages back, telling me how sorry he was and that he wanted to become better at keeping in touch with people in general. He said he didn't realise how important it was for us to meet up when I was in town which I didn't really buy (how often are we in the same city??). He told me he was really sorry if he had taken the friendship for granted and begged for forgiveness, saying he would make it up to me. I said he could come visit me for a change and he said he would "love" to. He said he's willing to give me some time to myself, without him, but said he really doesn't want to lose me and that he is always there for me. I am not convinced he can ever give much to a friendship however well-intentioned he might be though.

 

For now, I feel very mad and upset. I think I would be willing to give him a chance again, but right now...this had been building for a while and now I almost just feel glad to get rid of him for a while in order to live my life. That may sound terrible -- but for now --it's how I feel.

[Taramere]

edit: I think I have reached the point where I just want to get rid of him. Can't believe how awful I sound - I'm a good person!

 

I don't think that's awful at all. His behaviour was disrespectful. My approach in a situation like that would be to let him know I was disappointed by the way he behaved and ask if it was down to pure indifference/laziness or if he was annoyed with me about something.

 

If he behaved disrespectfully because angry about something, well....passive aggression isn't great, but at least anger is something that can potentially be addressed and resolved. If it's indifference then there's no need to say another word, because the friendship is already over.

[Lovezen_30]

I don't think that's awful at all. His behaviour was disrespectful. My approach in a situation like that would be to let him know I was disappointed by the way he behaved and ask if it was down to pure indifference/laziness or if he was annoyed with me about something.

 

If he behaved disrespectfully because angry about something, well....passive aggression isn't great, but at least anger is something that can potentially be addressed and resolved. If it's indifference then there's no need to say another word, because the friendship is already over.

 

The answer is definitely "lazy/disrespectful". He also said he doesn't think it's worth throwing away a friendship over - obviously, I am annoyed about his on-going flakiness over a period of years, not just this one thing. It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

There's another layer to this which I haven't mentioned yet. He has a girlfriend whom I have never met - even when I'm in his city. When he does talk about her, he is quite negative & sounds fed up. But he shares a life with her, obviously loves her and obviously I would like to meet her. Sometimes, when I ask about her, he pretends I haven't asked the question. Perhaps I am reading in to it however.