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Ended Friendship With "I Hate You"


ARDriver01

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Yo! Haven’t been on this in while!. I suppose that’s great news. One of my best friends (groomsmen in fact) has crossed some lines…

 

He thought we had invited him down for Halloween with us way back in August during a BBQ (neither my wife or myself remember, we were day drinking). I did text him an invite for Halloween plans that he never responded to, and my wife and I ended up making other plans with our more local friends.

 

A week prior to Halloween, he calls and says he’s coming over. I told him we made other plans (with someone who doesn’t really get along with him) he popped off for 10 minutes about how ”unfair it was that he can’t come down because she’s there, she should get over it, I can’t believe she’s still mad about that, f*** her, come on I’m over it, why should I have to be uninvited because she’s there, etc..” (I think it's important to mention that we're all in our 30s) I changed the subject to get him to shut up already about it and we ended the phone call kind of open ended and cordial.

 

I told my wife about the conversation, I said he insists I invited him but he never responded, now he’s throwing a fit over being ”uninvited” (shouldn’t you respond in 30 days of the text?) anyway… My wife told me we should just not call him back, she said "he probably gets that we’re just trying to avoid an awkward situation, and he’ll probably leave us alone at this point, don't stress about it."

 

Halloween comes up, we’re getting ready to head out to meet friends, he texts that he’s on his way. I respond, “seriously?” 1 hr later, he responds “Yeah, had to make a pit stop, I’m about 40 min out”. This is 2 hours of wondering if he’s serious. I respond “Okay, see ya in a bit”. We call everyone, re route our plans for the evening, apologizing to everyone “we don’t know, yeah, he’s coming down, yeah.. I dunno he might be actually crazy.” He texts back, “call me” I call him and he’s like, “yeah, I was lying. I was thinking you guys would freak out and be all like NO DON’T COME DOWN but you didn’t so, you passed the test.” I say “okay, talk to you later.” (we're in our 30s)

 

Monday after Halloween, I text him “hey, didn’t appreciate the mind game you played on us over the weekend” The next several hours he’s rapid-fire texting me about all of my character flaws and eluding that my wife and I basically asked for this and created the drama ourselves out of of not calling him, that our reaction (believing that he was on his way) was ridiculous and that we need to work on that part of our marriage. Anyway, after hours of this sh**, I told him I needed a break from his friendship. “If that is your response to the things that I am saying, think about this; you two have lost a lot of friends over the last 2 years and maybe that’s on you also.” (referring to a hurtful falling out between my wife and some of her friends a few years back). I responded “I really hate you.” He was like, “wow, you need therapy big time, that was messed up, it sounds like you’re really hurting dude, take care buddy.”

 

So that was the last of it. Except I feel terrible for telling him that I hate him. I don’t hate him. He’s manipulative, obnoxious, critical and kind of a bully, but I don’t hate him. I want to apologize for saying that, and maybe even apologize for blowing him off but I don’t want another lecture for this dude about what HE thinks I need to work on in my life. I don’t know if he realizes; even if we did want to resolve this and continue a friendship, he made it too hard at this point. He was WAY too critical. We’d have to categorically admit to and apologize for every grievance he presented (most of which are completely untrue). I’m very much done at this point with friendship, but I DO need to apologize for saying “I hate you”. That was not kind and it’s keeping up at night. So here I am. Not knowing what to do. Any input is greatly appreciated.

 

Rule #1. My wife is off limits. Unless you think she’s abusive, you don’t get to complain to me about her. THAT is my BEST FRIEND hence why we’re married.

Rule #2. Don’t criticize my marriage. Especially if you SUCK historically at relationships, and I would never say that to you, because it's not nice.

Rule #3. Don’t make sh** up about ME in order to justify your bad behavior.

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Time for new friends. Lots of cool dudes out there that share your interests platonically that don't act like spoiled 8 year olds.

 

It's true that we tend to fight more with those we love because we take to heart what they say and this happens with friends. But I personally hate hanging around people where I need to walk on egg shells knowing that they are a ticking time bomb just waiting to blow up at any moment; and usually it's the wrong moments.

Edited by loverboy69
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He’s manipulative, obnoxious, critical and kind of a bully

 

All the more reason to keep the distance from him. This type of person who is toxic and explosive is not the type of friend you want in your life.

 

It sucks you blew up at him and told him you hate him, but that's how it went. I'd let it go for now and if he contacts you again in the future you can apologize to him and say you didn't mean what you said.

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I like your rules. Take a break from this friendship, a long cooling off period, then decide if you need to apologize or make amends. Sounds like this guy has some real insecurity and immaturity issues. Probably some guy you became friends with when you were very young and single. Then you matured and grew up but he never did. Maybe he will catch up some day or maybe he never will. Doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad person, just that he's not a good fit for you anymore. Sadly sometimes friendships don't last.

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All the more reason to keep the distance from him. This type of person who is toxic and explosive is not the type of friend you want in your life.

 

It sucks you blew up at him and told him you hate him, but that's how it went. I'd let it go for now and if he contacts you again in the future you can apologize to him and say you didn't mean what you said.

 

Thanks whichwayisup. I think you've read almost every one of my posts over the years. I really appreciate the steadfast input. :D

 

I think that is where I am right. I'm not waiting for him to contact me or anything. Just "if" he does, I'll apologize for saying I hate him. If it's not enough and he keeps trying to get something from me, I'll just end the conversation.

 

This is one of my wife's friends I met in 2008. He quickly became MY friend and kind of ignores my wife now. She'll text him a joke or a funny picture and he just doesn't respond. It made her sad at first but now she's just kinda over it; doesn't really care either way.

 

He's also the guy I wrote about a while ago about the abusive relationship. He has since moved on from THAT girl, but I think he may have picked up her line of drama along with some of her arguing tactics and other bad traits.

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