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Guys, my guy friend claims he avoids me due to blueballs. Is this even a real reason?


fubbydubby

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This is a serious question. Please read it all before answering. I've been great friends with this guy for over three years now and we've been there for each other through a lot of stuff.

 

We would text/talk often, yet he is married (even before meeting me). No, we're not having an affair, we are just friends. Never kissed, nothing.

In the past he's mentioned that if he was single, he would have married me. I am not sure if he is in love with me or not. He doesn't seem to show it at all. Again, I have no intentions of doing anything with this man.

 

Lately though, out of nowhere, he'll pulled away from me. He no longer talks to me on the regular basis like before and rarely ever reaches out anymore. This has been going on for the past 3 months. We have had no fights. In fact, I feel like we left off at a very positive place.

 

I decided to ask him whats caused this distance. He claims his wife has nothing to do with this and instead, gave two excuses as to why he's been distant. One was: "being busy." 2nd: he gets blue balls around me (Btw, in general, he finds other women to satisfy his sexual needs on the side).

 

I asked him "Well we've been friends for 3 years, and I'm sure you've always wanted to have sex with me since the beginning, so what's making it so difficult to be around me NOW and not before? What's different this time around? " Like, really? Blueballs has caused him to never reach out or talk to me anymore?

 

We've been great friends for 3 years!!! So what's going on? Is the real reason that he has feelings for me? Is there something else that I don't know? Does he no longer care about me as a friend?

I dont want to lose my friend. [Please no unhelpful answers like "Why are you talking to a married man?" I don't need that. I need helpful and valuable responses that actually answer the question.]

 

Thank you guys!

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maturityassets

You can only be close friends if he wants to. If he is distancing himself its his decision. I think he gave a crude explanation that he does have feelings or at least a desire for you. But ultimately respect his decision. If you think its unfair then this isn't a person to be friends with and I'm sure you can find others to be friends with.

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He isn't your true or platonic friend if he's told you ' you give him blueballs'. WTF. Already he's let you know you turn him on..... Boundaries, hello!

 

End the friendship, he wants to boink you and he's married. No good can come of this.

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: he gets blue balls around me (Btw, in general, he finds other women to satisfy his sexual needs on the side).

 

 

 

We've been great friends for 3 years!!! So what's going on? Is the real reason that he has feelings for me? Is there something else that I don't know? Does he no longer care about me as a friend?

I dont want to lose my friend. [Please no unhelpful answers like "Why are you talking to a married man?" I don't need that. I need helpful and valuable responses that actually answer the question.]

 

He was never your friend. He was always somebody who wanted to get in your pants. He made some effort befriending you over the past 3 years but he has since come to the realization that you won't have an affair with you so now he is no longer inclined to make time for you. He'd prefer to pursue women who don't care about his marital status.

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Fubby, I agree with whichwayisup and d0nnivain. This guy wasn't actually your friend. He's disappointed that you won't have an affair with him and his true colors are now coming out. He didn't want to be your friend from day one and now that he's not getting what he wants, he's making an exit.

 

You were under a false impression about your friendship. Things weren't what you thought.

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Hm. Blueballs are real and that could be a genuine reason, but since he sleeps around I doubt that's the case. (I mean, you may give him blueballs but I doubt he stopped talking to you bc of it.) More likely it's a ploy to stroke your ego and/or push your competitive side in order to get you to entertain the notion of sleeping w/him a little more seriously.

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GunslingerRoland

Well, yeah blueballs are real. But that is a lot of sexual deprivation that causes that. Even if you're giving him a strip tease show as long as he can go home, and jerk off, have sex with his wife, have sex with his mistresses over the next couple of days I'm sure he'll be fine.

 

 

But why would you want to partake in such an odd friendship. If this guy is so aroused by just talking to you, telling you he wishes he was married to you, it's not platonic at all for him. Are you just in it for the attention?

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The real reason is because you're not having sex with him, so he's not really that interested in just being friends. He was hoping you'd eventually give in and have sex with him. He's saying blueballs because he doesn't want to be around someone when he's horny and them not give it up. Sounds like a real prince...

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SincereOnlineGuy
This is a serious question. Please read it all before answering. I've been great friends with this guy for over three years now and we've been there for each other through a lot of stuff.

 

We would text/talk often, yet he is married (even before meeting me). No, we're not having an affair, we are just friends. Never kissed, nothing.

In the past he's mentioned that if he was single, he would have married me. I am not sure if he is in love with me or not. He doesn't seem to show it at all. Again, I have no intentions of doing anything with this man.

 

Lately though, out of nowhere, he'll pulled away from me. He no longer talks to me on the regular basis like before and rarely ever reaches out anymore. This has been going on for the past 3 months. We have had no fights. In fact, I feel like we left off at a very positive place.

 

I decided to ask him whats caused this distance. He claims his wife has nothing to do with this and instead, gave two excuses as to why he's been distant. One was: "being busy." 2nd: he gets blue balls around me (Btw, in general, he finds other women to satisfy his sexual needs on the side).

 

I asked him "Well we've been friends for 3 years, and I'm sure you've always wanted to have sex with me since the beginning, so what's making it so difficult to be around me NOW and not before? What's different this time around? " Like, really? Blueballs has caused him to never reach out or talk to me anymore?

 

We've been great friends for 3 years!!! So what's going on? Is the real reason that he has feelings for me? Is there something else that I don't know? Does he no longer care about me as a friend?

I dont want to lose my friend. [Please no unhelpful answers like "Why are you talking to a married man?" I don't need that. I need helpful and valuable responses that actually answer the question.]

 

Thank you guys!

 

 

 

This guy is just feeding you a line (of crap) in order to (further) initiate the reality that he wants to have sex with you.

 

 

The context of "blue balls" is wrong, as he offers it, so this is entirely about him.

 

IF YOU bore any responsibility for directly arousing him and then (leaving him high and dry, and sexually desirous) only then would the term "blue balls" fit.

 

As he put it, I could blame the hottie on the street who I may have seen just that once in my life for giving me blue balls even though she still doesn't know I exist.

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He was never your friend. He was always somebody who wanted to get in your pants. He made some effort befriending you over the past 3 years but he has since come to the realization that you won't have an affair with you so now he is no longer inclined to make time for you. He'd prefer to pursue women who don't care about his marital status.

 

Hi D0nnivain!! Thanks for your response. I just am having a hard time swallowing the reality that this friendship of 3 years may not have meant anything to him. However, in my heart I believe that he really did enjoy the friendship. I noticed he always wanted to talk to me and for me to be a part of his day in some way, even if we were not going to see each other for weeks.

-- Do you think he found some type of value in the friendship emotionally? Maybe he's forgetting about me because he found a new female friend that distracts him? Could it be that our friendship is actually meaningless to him? :(

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Hi D0nnivain!! Thanks for your response. I just am having a hard time swallowing the reality that this friendship of 3 years may not have meant anything to him.

Have you not actually read any of the other responses?? This 'friendship' meant a lot to him - but not in the way you are thinking! He wanted to have sex with you!! THAT'S what it meant!!

 

However, in my heart I believe that he really did enjoy the friendship. I noticed he always wanted to talk to me and for me to be a part of his day in some way, even if we were not going to see each other for weeks.

Yes, because he had the hots for you and wanted to have sex with you....

 

-- Do you think he found some type of value in the friendship emotionally?

 

Yes.... he had the hots for you and wanted to have sex with you....

 

Maybe he's forgetting about me because he found a new female friend that distracts him? Could it be that our friendship is actually meaningless to him?

No, it's just that he had the hots for you and wanted to have sex with you....

He may now focus on his wife, or seek to get laid outside his marriage, elsewhere...

But he won't contact you again, because his original intention - he had the hots for you and wanted to have sex with you - has proven futile....

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Fubby, I know this is a tough one. You need time to register what actually went on compared to what you were thinking and hoping was going on. This really needs to sink in.

 

No, it's not fun and yup, I've been where you are right now. If you step back and look at your "friend" objectively and forget about your "friendship" for just a few minutes, he's not a good guy! Not even close! He cheats on his wife. He's not innocent. He's the opposite of innocent.

 

You want to see good in this guy but it's obviously just not there.

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I think the other posters are probably right on the mark. But here's another idea which follows along the lines of him actually caring for you.

 

It's possible that the friendship did mean a lot to him. But it's gotten to the stage that he really wants to have sex with you and can't manage being constantly aroused when with you knowing that no release will happen. *For him* this has gotten way beyond friendship and he needs to walk away.

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Wow, thanks guys for all your honesty. I appreciate all the great answers I had gotten from a smart group of people. And thanks @LuckyLady for lending a kind shoulder for me to eCry on haha. I appreciate the advice.

 

Do you guys also think that possibly he may be a sociopath? I looked up characteristics of one, and he seems to fit most of the characteristics. Not all, but definitely most. My #1 reason for thinking this is because it seems to be very nonempathetic to just trick someone into thinking theyre your friend for years and leave them high and dry all of a sudden.

Edited by fubbydubby
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If you were really his friend have you met his wife? Have you been invited to their home on occasion? Do you have a bf and has he met him also?

 

If not, he is not your friend but a man who has had an inappropriate relationship with you and is now trying to get laid or get out of it.

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If you were really his friend have you met his wife? Have you been invited to their home on occasion? Do you have a bf and has he met him also?

 

If not, he is not your friend but a man who has had an inappropriate relationship with you and is now trying to get laid or get out of it.

hi stillafool

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I think the other posters are probably right on the mark. But here's another idea which follows along the lines of him actually caring for you.

 

It's possible that the friendship did mean a lot to him. But it's gotten to the stage that he really wants to have sex with you and can't manage being constantly aroused when with you knowing that no release will happen. *For him* this has gotten way beyond friendship and he needs to walk away.

I see. But do you think it is probable that a guy can get aroused simply by just being with a girl? Like no touching, or talking about sex at all, I mean.

 

Also, do you think that he still cares if he's willing to no longer talk to me or hang out at all because he gets "blue balls"?

I think I'm just finding reasons to think cares :( So pathetic huh. Sorry...it's just that it's been 3 years, thats all....

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Well, yeah blueballs are real. But that is a lot of sexual deprivation that causes that. Even if you're giving him a strip tease show as long as he can go home, and jerk off, have sex with his wife, have sex with his mistresses over the next couple of days I'm sure he'll be fine.

 

 

But why would you want to partake in such an odd friendship. If this guy is so aroused by just talking to you, telling you he wishes he was married to you, it's not platonic at all for him. Are you just in it for the attention?

No, I just love his company and how I enjoy life more and feel energized with him. I date men and have great friends, so I am not friends with him for the sake of being flattered or desired. I honestly have been more of a "bro" with him than anything else. It's honestly just recently that he's been expressing his desires for me sexually like this, maybe because we've gotten closer over time.

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If you were really his friend have you met his wife? Have you been invited to their home on occasion? Do you have a bf and has he met him also?

 

If not, he is not your friend but a man who has had an inappropriate relationship with you and is now trying to get laid or get out of it.

 

Hi Stillafool

Yes, I've met his wife. He used to be my boss at work, so over the past 3 years, Ive seen her a lot. I know many of his friends, child, his family (parents, sister's family and cousins), and they all like me. (Not bragging, I know it might have sounded like I'm bragging). His wife even invited me to his 30th birthday and she and I are cool. His wife even bought me souvenirs from her home country half a year ago and both of them call me Aunty when their kid is around. He knows my family and had met boyfriends I had. We have always been great friends towards each other. My gut tells me he was a genuine friend who enjoyed our friendship and at the same time wouldn't have minded having sex with me either. Maybe he's just found some type of mistress that gets his attention more.

I dont know....all i could do is speculate and take what you guys said into consideration

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Hi Stillafool

Yes, I've met his wife. He used to be my boss at work, so over the past 3 years, Ive seen her a lot. I know many of his friends, child, his family (parents, sister's family and cousins), and they all like me. (Not bragging, I know it might have sounded like I'm bragging). His wife even invited me to his 30th birthday and she and I are cool. His wife even bought me souvenirs from her home country half a year ago and both of them call me Aunty when their kid is around. He knows my family and had met boyfriends I had. We have always been great friends towards each other. My gut tells me he was a genuine friend who enjoyed our friendship and at the same time wouldn't have minded having sex with me either. Maybe he's just found some type of mistress that gets his attention more.

I dont know....all i could do is speculate and take what you guys said into consideration

 

When you say things like the bolded above it sounds as if you have a romantic interest in him. Why worry about the attention he is getting from anyone else? If you guys were friends and he brought up the "blue ball" thing you should have told him that makes you uncomfortable but instead you started a thread on this forum about it. I think you want and like his attention.

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When you say things like the bolded above it sounds as if you have a romantic interest in him. Why worry about the attention he is getting from anyone else? If you guys were friends and he brought up the "blue ball" thing you should have told him that makes you uncomfortable but instead you started a thread on this forum about it. I think you want and like his attention.

 

 

I had a little bit of feelings towards him a few months before he got distant, but not throughout the entire duration of our friendship. However I knew I wouldnt ever want to be with him because of his cheating ways though. So i am completely content with him just being my friend. Like i said, i enjoy his company and I have fun with him.

It's not really an attention thing, it's a curiosity as to why there has been such a dramatic shift in behavior towards me. Him and I would talk almost everyday and now its down to once every couple weeks. I came here to figure out why he may have stopped his contact. For me, i just wanted to know if the friendship was valuable to him or not and why he reaches out less.

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Guys are nearly all visual. For God's sake, before the internet, most of their sex lives were from just looking at a photo in a magazine of someone's boobs! That's all they need to get off, or just thinking about it. This whole time this guy has been grooming you, trying to get under your skin solely so you will have sex with him. He has been aroused and has probably been masturbating during or after communicating with you because he is anticipating having sex with you, which is ALL he cares about. This doesn't make you special to him. Men who focus on getting laid get horny around just about every female in their immediate vicinity. It's about them, not about you. He was manipulating you and gave up.

 

You ask if he's sociopathic. It's a hard lesson to learn, but there are actually quite a few guys out there who throw ethics to the wind when it comes to getting sex and view it as justifiable because frankly, the most important thing to them is their you know what. If you don't know by now that many if not most guys will say literally anything you want to hear in order to get you to give them sex, then you have had your head in the sand. He is not empathetic or care much about hurting you because to him his need is WAY more important than your feelings. More importantly, he doesn't give a rat's crap about whether he hurts his wife or not because HIS needs are way more important to him than hers are.

 

He is not a good person. He is a horndog, pure and simple. He is one of many. He does not care about your insides or your heart. He only cares about your body, and if you'd given in, he probably would have discarded you within a week. Count yourself lucky you put up a boundary. Now, learn from this and stop believing what guys say when they haven't yet slept with you and move forward and look for a guy whose actions line up with his words and who seems to hurt when you hurt.

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I agree w/the majority of what everyone else says. When a guy wants to pursue a woman the chase and "closing the deal" is part of the fun, and you'd be surprised how long some men will be willing to do this for. But eventually if the goods aren't delivered we give up.

 

From your description of him he sounds like a pathological cheater! Perhaps his friendship for a while really was genuine, but his end goal in his mind was not to have a long close friendship with you. He wanted to have sex with you.

 

Saying he has "blue balls" and that's why he's pulling back is just one last stab at trying to sleep with you. "I'm backing off because you won't have sex with me" kind of sounds a little like blackmail to me since he's evidently aware that the friendship was important to you.

 

He's getting his leg over with different women and probably his poor long suffering wife too, I doubt he has blue anything. But he might have one or two other nasty things hidden within his balls and the surrounding area.

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Saying he has "blue balls" and that's why he's pulling back is just one last stab at trying to sleep with you. "I'm backing off because you won't have sex with me" kind of sounds a little like blackmail to me

 

That's exactly what I was going to say. I even think he's giving you a bit of a version of silent treatment hoping you'll get nervous (like you are) and give in, have sex with him so you won't lose him completely.

 

It is a last stab, though. He's frustrated and giving up after not getting what he wanted all this time. He's not a sociopath (they are worse than this) but just a selfish guy. One track mind.

 

He told you so many things you wanted to hear to get you in the sack but ultimately failed. You feel like something was so nice and genuine about the whole thing but no.

 

Given a little time, you will be able to see this situation (and him) for what it really is. You won't like what you see.

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