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When to Cut Off an Inconsiderate Friend?


Kaypee15

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This weekend, my close friend invited me out of town with her to getaway. I agreed to go. Once we got there we had a nice time that evening. We stayed at a relatives house. The next morning, my friend tells me that we have to pack appliances, groceries, and clothes and take them back home from the relatives house. I was a little irritated because it was cold outside and i came out of town to getaway not work. So when we were done I politely told her that I had a headache from coming in and out from the cold air and was ready to go home to prepare for work the next day. So as we are driving I realize that we are not going home. We go to a guy's house that my friend has been dating on and off. I immediately got an attitude. I felt that she was being inconsiderate of the fact that I told her I did not feel well and I also felt deceived that she told me we were going out of town for a getaway. She felt that I was wrong for having an attitude but I am fed up with her being inconsiderate. If it was her I would've told the guy that I would see him later, and I needed to get my friend home. Should I cut ties with her?

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I used to have a friend like this. When I first met her, we were able to negotiate with each other, but as the months and years passed, she became increasingly selfish. She was behaving exactly as you describe. We would decide to go out to a certain nightclub and she would end up driving to some other place I'd already told her I didn't want to go to. The last time this happened, I refused to get out of the car. We ended up fighting and she drove us back home again. I never saw her again after that night. Good riddance.

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I don't know that I'd cut ties with her but I would never go anywhere with her without my own car again.

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I don't know that I'd cut ties with her but I would never go anywhere with her without my own car again.

That's if you have your own car.

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I do have my own car. But however I am noticing as time has passed she has become increasingly inconsiderate and in a way starting to take advantage of my kindness. Should I let her know how I feel or just end the friendship all together?

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I do have my own car. But however I am noticing as time has passed she has become increasingly inconsiderate and in a way starting to take advantage of my kindness. Should I let her know how I feel or just end the friendship all together?

 

It's up to you. If you think talking to her about it might change her behavior & save the friendship, fine talk. If you just want the drama of blasting her for being inconsiderate, do you really think that will be productive or make you feel better? I'd just fade.

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Whether I felt I'd been misled would depend on exactly how much packing had to be done. If it only took 30 minutes, that's nothing. If it took most of the day, that's misleading and you were there to help her as far as she was concerned. This was her outing, so she can stop and visit whoever she wants. If there's a next time with her or any other friend, clarify what the plan is before you agree to go. Believe me, I give someone the third degree before I agree to anything -- and I nearly always take my own car. But I mean if someone even asks me to dinner, I find out who else is coming and if they will be on time, etc. Because I've done my time waiting for noncommittal grown sons and daughters on Thanksgiving while the meal gets cold.

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It's up to you. If you think talking to her about it might change her behavior & save the friendship, fine talk. If you just want the drama of blasting her for being inconsiderate, do you really think that will be productive or make you feel better? I'd just fade.

 

No I don't want drama. I feel like she has been a pretty good friend up until this point. I'm not sure if she even realizes her actions or that she was wrong. But I also don't want to waste my breath if she can't accept the fact that she was wrong either.

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Then I'd try talking to her calmly. Talk about how you feel rather than attacking her about what she did.

 

It's not a waste of your breath to try especially if it saves the friendship. If you try & it falls on deaf ears then you know. Again, not a waste because you have your answer.

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Whether I felt I'd been misled would depend on exactly how much packing had to be done. If it only took 30 minutes, that's nothing. If it took most of the day, that's misleading and you were there to help her as far as she was concerned. This was her outing, so she can stop and visit whoever she wants. If there's a next time with her or any other friend, clarify what the plan is before you agree to go. Believe me, I give someone the third degree before I agree to anything -- and I nearly always take my own car. But I mean if someone even asks me to dinner, I find out who else is coming and if they will be on time, etc. Because I've done my time waiting for noncommittal grown sons and daughters on Thanksgiving while the meal gets cold.

 

She knew she was going there to pack things because the relative asked would we like to go ahead and start loading as soon as we got there the night before. No it did not take a whole day, but it did take a couple of hours. Thats not my biggest issue though. My issue with her is, as my friend, after I tell you that I don't feel well and I've just gotten done packing furniture & groceries for you take back to your house for your family, you could AT THE VERY LEAST ask me if I mind going to someone else's house or reschedule with them for another day. She asked me to be her guest on a trip not the other way around. I feel like it would be different if I asked to join her.

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See, I guess that's a difference in how you interpret guest. My little 9 year old girlfriend and I used to argue over that. If she invited me to her house as a guest, did that mean I got to do whatever I wanted? No. That meant she was the host and did most of the decisions, ideally, trying to bear in mind the comfort of the guest.

 

So I guess maybe she didn't take your discomfort very seriously. But the guest does not get to pick what you do. The person who invites you should be deferred to on most things and one does hope they take your needs into consideration. I go back to my original statement to clarify all this before you accept invitations so there's no surprises. I don't like surprises either, so it may sound like I don't sympathize, but I do.

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See, I guess that's a difference in how you interpret guest. My little 9 year old girlfriend and I used to argue over that. If she invited me to her house as a guest, did that mean I got to do whatever I wanted? No. That meant she was the host and did most of the decisions, ideally, trying to bear in mind the comfort of the guest.

 

So I guess maybe she didn't take your discomfort very seriously. But the guest does not get to pick what you do. The person who invites you should be deferred to on most things and one does hope they take your needs into consideration. I go back to my original statement to clarify all this before you accept invitations so there's no surprises. I don't like surprises either, so it may sound like I don't sympathize, but I do.

 

So do you feel that I was wrong and owe her an apology for having an attitude?

 

I feel that as a friend, I should not have to HOPE and PRAY that my friend would take my needs into consideration. I would expect them to because that's what a friend should do. I didn't say she had to change her plans to for me but the fact that she had no intentions of even saying that we were going somewhere else after I told her I didn't feel well pretty much says "I don't care that you don't feel well.' A friend who doesn't care about how I feel, especially after I've done something that only benefits them....well that doesn't sound like a friend at all to me.

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So do you feel that I was wrong and owe her an apology for having an attitude?

 

I feel that as a friend, I should not have to HOPE and PRAY that my friend would take my needs into consideration. I would expect them to because that's what a friend should do. I didn't say she had to change her plans to for me but the fact that she had no intentions of even saying that we were going somewhere else after I told her I didn't feel well pretty much says "I don't care that you don't feel well.' A friend who doesn't care about how I feel, especially after I've done something that only benefits them....well that doesn't sound like a friend at all to me.

I agree. As d0nnivain suggested, give her a chance-make her aware of her inconsideration(hopefully she was unaware). Her reaction will give you the answer.

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So do you feel that I was wrong and owe her an apology for having an attitude?

 

I feel that as a friend, I should not have to HOPE and PRAY that my friend would take my needs into consideration. I would expect them to because that's what a friend should do. I didn't say she had to change her plans to for me but the fact that she had no intentions of even saying that we were going somewhere else after I told her I didn't feel well pretty much says "I don't care that you don't feel well.' A friend who doesn't care about how I feel, especially after I've done something that only benefits them....well that doesn't sound like a friend at all to me.

 

Unless this has caused a big rift, not sure you need to apologize, but I do believe it was her outing and her decisions. Maybe she thought you didn't really feel bad or something, too. If it's caused a rift, then just say, "I was cranky because I felt like crap." Not exactly an apology. But a reason.

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Regarding the packing;- If a friend had taken me somewhere and we were guests in her relatives home, and I was asked to help out with ANY type of chore...I'd do it cheerfully as a gesture of my gratitude for their hospitality. I think you're a bit of a wimp complaining about the cold- if you'd moved quicker you would have warmed up, and wouldn't have needed to make up the headache excuse...which leads to your not wanting to stop by her boyfriend's place on the way home. Did you actually say to her you didn't want to go there?? Or is she expected to know that the headache you got from doing a wee bit of work made that visit a big no-go for her???

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Regarding the packing;- If a friend had taken me somewhere and we were guests in her relatives home, and I was asked to help out with ANY type of chore...I'd do it cheerfully as a gesture of my gratitude for their hospitality. I think you're a bit of a wimp complaining about the cold- if you'd moved quicker you would have warmed up, and wouldn't have needed to make up the headache excuse...which leads to your not wanting to stop by her boyfriend's place on the way home. Did you actually say to her you didn't want to go there?? Or is she expected to know that the headache you got from doing a wee bit of work made that visit a big no-go for her???

Kaypee's friend should have informed her of her plans. Calling her a "wimp" is judgemental and inappropriate.

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Kaypee's friend should have informed her of her plans. Calling her a "wimp" is judgemental and inappropriate.

 

I apologise for causing offence.

Where I come from friends are willing to lend a hand in appreciation of their host's hospitality, to me her story sounded as if she were ungrateful for the "great time" she'd had the night before on the "getaway".

My friends and I enjoy each other's company, help each other out and do things we normally wouldn't just to be with each other.

I just don't understand the way it's done there!!

Sorry.

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Where I come from, we help each other out too. But we generally ask first, we tell them what's expected of them. We don't just unilaterally think other people are there at our disposal. Sounds very passive aggressive to me.

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Where I come from, we help each other out too. But we generally ask first, we tell them what's expected of them. We don't just unilaterally think other people are there at our disposal. Sounds very passive aggressive to me.

 

Kaypee didn't fill us in on the whole expectations of the "getaway" Did she pay for gas? Food? Refreshments? Accomodation? We know she didn't pay for accommodation so why shouldn't she help shift a few things while she's in the company of a good friend.

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Kaypee didn't fill us in on the whole expectations of the "getaway" Did she pay for gas? Food? Refreshments? Accomodation? We know she didn't pay for accommodation so why shouldn't she help shift a few things while she's in the company of a good friend.

 

Here's a tip, why don't you ask if there were any expectations of the getaway before jumping in with both feet and prematurely judging?

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Here's a tip, why don't you ask if there were any expectations of the getaway before jumping in with both feet and prematurely judging?

Obviously, mrs rubble simply accepts passive aggressive behaviour, as normal behaviour.

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Regarding the packing;- If a friend had taken me somewhere and we were guests in her relatives home, and I was asked to help out with ANY type of chore...I'd do it cheerfully as a gesture of my gratitude for their hospitality. I think you're a bit of a wimp complaining about the cold- if you'd moved quicker you would have warmed up, and wouldn't have needed to make up the headache excuse...which leads to your not wanting to stop by her boyfriend's place on the way home. Did you actually say to her you didn't want to go there?? Or is she expected to know that the headache you got from doing a wee bit of work made that visit a big no-go for her???

 

Mrs. Rubble she still should have made it clear that chores was part of the plans. I am a first year teacher to 25 beautiful first graders and I work very hard during the week. With that being said, I really appreciate my weekends. I said that to say that I don't mind helping or doing chores (and I've done it before for her) but when someone tells me that we are going out of town for a getaway I would think they would mention us having to do work especially with them knowing how hard I work during the week and how much I value time off during the weekends.

 

Also Mrs Rubble. I mentioned the headache to her before I even knew we were going to his house. I didn't know that we were making another stop until she passed the exit that took us home and I asked where we were going.

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Mrs. Rubble she still should have made it clear that chores was part of the plans. I am a first year teacher to 25 beautiful first graders and I work very hard during the week. With that being said, I really appreciate my weekends. I said that to say that I don't mind helping or doing chores (and I've done it before for her) but when someone tells me that we are going out of town for a getaway I would think they would mention us having to do work especially with them knowing how hard I work during the week and how much I value time off during the weekends.

 

Also Mrs Rubble. I mentioned the headache to her before I even knew we were going to his house. I didn't know that we were making another stop until she passed the exit that took us home and I asked where we were going.

 

Thank you for your eloquent reply.

As you'll see from the replies to my accusation, there was a lack of understanding on her part of your feelings ( not saying I know how she was thinking but offering a scenario/explanation/consideration to her) maybe you didn't assert how much your time off means to you, or how bad your headache was.

If you value the friendship, explain to her exactly how you felt and give her a chance to fully understand your point of view and apologise for her lack of consideration for you.

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Obviously, mrs rubble simply accepts passive aggressive behaviour, as normal behaviour.

 

Nothing is obvious. I'm more a fact finder and justice seeker.

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Here's a tip, why don't you ask if there were any expectations of the getaway before jumping in with both feet and prematurely judging?

 

Fact is none of us know what her or her friends expectations were.

This is where the conflict lies, lack of understanding and consideration of each other's expectations of the getaway.

Because of my harsh response, you can see an example of how the other side of the conflict may be coming from.

If kaypee wants to repair the friendship she now knows to explain and assert her feelings and understand that maybe her friend hadn't appreciated these things she'd mentioned.

 

(I've been involved in role playing in a conflict resolution workshop, through work. I'm not really judgemental or "passive aggressive" lol!)

So I'm just trying to make sure kaypee has all the tools to fix this if she wants.

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