Being friends with my Ex.

[KyStark]

I'm not sure if I'm posting on the right thread and sorry if I'm not.

 

So first of, my girlfriend who I was with for 3 years recently just broke up with me. It kinda ended on a bad note, but we do not hate each other at all. There is no hard feeling between us. We both agreed to try and remain friends. Currently we are at the stage were we have no contact between us. We are both trying to get over the break up. One of the last things she said to me is "...when I'm ready, I'll come back to talk and we can try and be friends". I'm trying to not get my hopes up. I know the relationship is dead and buried. But I still want her in my life, in some way or another. I am not ready to say goodbye forever. But maybe overtime this will change and I won't want to go back to having her in my life. We have a huge connection, we have so many inside jokes and funny stories, she knows me better than anyone else. She wasn't only my girlfriend, she was my best friend as well. I really want this friendship to work out because, as I said she was like a best friend to me. However I'm uncertain it will work, I'm like 80:20 it won't. Because how we met was we were set up as a blind date from two of our old friends. We met up and spoke for two weeks then I asked her out. It will be hard to transition from being nothing, to in a loving relationship to being friends. But hey I'll give it a go if she wants to at least. Another issue I'm thinking is it'll be hard to just see her as just a friend. I am currently 19 and I met her when I was 16. She was my first love, my first kiss, my first real date and I lost my virginity to her (just FYI I'm not her first, she has had a couple of boyfriends in the past). I want to take this opportunity and if I just end up hurt again its my own fault. It will be a life lesson learnt. At the very least I want to stay in contact with her, I don't want out break to be the last time I ever talked to her. I feel really at this point I don't really have anything to lose but I have something to gain.

 

I don't know if I'm making a lot of sense or if my situation is common or unique. I'll welcome any feed back but what I am asking really, is have any of you guys ever became friends with your EX and do you have any advice to make it work?

[strach]

It's certainly not unusual to want to stay friends with an ex, they meant so much to you that its seems so wrong to just fully cut them out of your life. Now whether its doable can depend. There's a very good chance that seeing her as just a friend will be difficult, at least that was/is the case for me and I had the added benefit of being close friends with my ex for 4 years before we dated. Time obviously has a lot to do with it. While you might seem ready for it, it doesn't appear that she is, at least not yet, and that may take awhile. And sometimes it can just depend on the people involved, not all are capable of being friends with an ex and given you guys have never been regular friends, not even for a short time it may not work out but then again it might, not really possible to tell as we don't know you two.

 

 

I'd just take things slow and see where it end's up, if you guys end up friends then great! But its not something that can be forced, it has to be something you both mutually want. You do want to make sure you are fully over her though. I thought I was and we we're in limited contact but once I found out she was with someone new I lost it and fell back to square one.

 

There may be some who have more experience but that's what I think. Best of luck, hope things work out

Edited November 14, 2015 by strach

[Olivia89]

You do want to make sure you are fully over her though. I thought I was and we we're in limited contact but once I found out she was with someone new I lost it and fell back to square one.

 

 

 

 

I can very much relate to the quote above. I was the one who broke up with my ex. But we were always best friends even before we started dating. We dated really seriously. he moved to where I was going to college to be closer to me. But it just didn't feel right. I always thought that if we were meant to be together, the time will come and we would come back to each other. But in the mean time, I was dating other people and my ex and I remained close friends. But he always wanted more. He always wanted to be with me.

 

 

The he finally did meet his current girl friend. And it was serious. I could tell. And I finally had to face the fact that it was now or never. I could lose him forever. So I told him I wanted to be with him and that I wanted to spend my life with him and have a baby and everything. But he thought about it and ended up telling me no. he said he wanted to be with his new girl friend and that he is in love with her. I was devastated. I was very depressed for a long time. I could not do anything except go to work, come home, drink by myself, listen to sad music and stalk them on facebook and cry. It was a really bad time for me.

 

 

My experience with staying friends with my ex is that it got in the way of the new guy I started to date. He was sort of cock blocking me in a way. Making it impossible to move on and causing problems in my new relationship.

 

 

And when he finally got involved with someone, I was heartbroken. because I always thought we would end up together in the end. And I have not even seen him in 3 years, ever since he got into a relationship with this current girl friend.

 

 

I think you can stay friends with you ex but it will negatively impact each of you moving on it your dating lives. And when one of you gets seriously involved with someone else, the friendship between you will not be the same. I don't think staying friends works out in the long term.

[basil67]

I'm casual FB friends with one ex from 30 years ago. Mind you, we went for 20 year without speaking before a friendship could happen. But the others? Nope.

 

When you can be really happy for her when she enters a new relationship and falls in love, this is when friendship can work. Mind you, even if you can be friends, there are a lot a new fellows she will date who WILL NOT be happy to have an ex of hers hanging around and will push back hard against you.

 

Think about it: when you get a new girlfriend, will you be OK if she has an ex hanging around?

[nescafe1982]

I am not friends with any of my exes, mind you, so take what I say with that context in mind.

 

But be careful when trying to stay friends with an ex who ended things with you (rather than the other way around). One common pattern that happens is that a dumper will continue to lean on their former lover for emotional support after the break-up under the context of a friendship. The dumpee, seeking the connection they miss from their ex, will usually offer this support abundantly in the hopes of salvaging a friendship from the breakup.

 

And then, once the dumper finds a new romantic interest and source of support elsewhere, they will usually rethink the 'friendship' with their ex, leaving that ex feeling twice spurned and hurt. This is not because the dumper is a bad person or harbors any malice or wants to be hurtful; it is just that in the context of a breakup, they are looking for emotional support and comfort, just like their ex.

 

But when this happens, it's almost always the one who was dumped who gets hurt... twice. Because in the scenario I describe above, the dumper is instrumentalizing a friendship to solve a temporary problem. Once they find a new partner, often that partner is not so cool with them staying friends with an ex. Once attached to a new lover, further, the dumper is not going to reach out to their ex in the some connected, emotional way. They will become distant, or completely disappear.

 

OP, whether you want to be friends with an ex or not is not really a question I can help you address. So I won't try to do so. BUT if you do pursue a friendship with this person in the future, please 1) do it after a sufficiently long period of grieving the breakup and preferably 2) once you and she have partnered up with others and moved on. Finally, 3) be very wary of sharing emotional support, 'advice,' or other types of platonic intimacy with this person. In order for a post-breakup friendship to work, you really have to go back to being somewhat distant, casual acquaintances.

 

Is a "casual acquaintance" type of friendship what you want to work to keep with this person? If so, that is a possibility with some time and a bit of work. If that is not the relationship you want, though... watch out, because you are investing your heart into something that will not be healthy or fulfilling for you.

 

Good luck, and be very kind to yourself as you grieve the loss of this romance.

Edited November 14, 2015 by nescafe1982