How do I tell my friend I don't want to be friends with him anymore?

[Mark1]

I am 26 years old. I was friends since about the first week of college (so, 18 to about 24 or 25) with a guy, we'll call him Mark. We used to talk every day either by text or in person, at one point in college I probably considered him my best friend.

 

Towards my later years in college and beyond (22, 23, 24), hanging out with Mark started to become uncomfortable. It seemed that as almost all of our conversation had occurred over text we didn't have good conversation skills with each other. This translated into awkward silences, an inability to know how to greet each other, and him never introducing me to his friends when we would hang out. I also found that we would want to do different things. He would want to stay in and watch video games, or old taped VHS NFL games from the 90s (yes, really), and I would want to go out and meet new people.

 

After college he felt the need to "grow up" quickly, it seemed. Got his own house, a really boring girlfriend, hardly ever goes out to meet new people and just drinks at home by himself or with his girlfriend. (I don't drink but I still like going out). Our inside jokes got repeated so much they got stale, except to him. He spends tons of money on new gadgets too, which is fine, just not my thing so I can't relate. Its like he's a 45 year old in a 25 year old's body.

 

Both during and after college his social skills were a bit strange and hard to explain. He would speak in cliches, everything seemed a bit forced. All he did was talk about the NFL, didn't matter what month it was. It could be the middle of June and all he'd want to talk/text about was the NFL. I'd try to change the subject but it was clear he didn't want to, or have the ability to talk about anything else. It didn't help, as I said before that most of our conversation was via text. I used to love the NFL just as much as he did, and I just don't anymore. In my early 20s I'd watch NFL from noon Sunday to 10pm Sunday night. Now I probably watch only 1 game a week. I just prefer to do other things like read, exercise, study for my masters, be outside, spend time with family and friends and not just sit in front of the TV.

 

On the occasion we WOULD go out together, I might strike up a conversation with a woman, and before I could find out her name or anything like that he'd jump in and say "Hey, do you know her?!" etc etc and make things uncomfortable.

 

I have just been....bored when I hang out with him. We don't laugh, joke, poke fun, shoot the ****, we just exist. If I were to make a list of people I'd like to hang out with on a Friday night he would be close to the bottom. The list probably goes 1) my family 2) about 3 different friend groups 3) alone by myself. So, if 1, 2 and 3 were gone then I might hang out with him.

 

I haven't talked to him in about a year, but I've ignored some of his texts which I know isn't nice but I don't know what to say. He always "likes" my Facebook posts as well which I guess is him hinting to me. I'm posting this because he just texted me asking me how I have been and I was having a rough day and it made me feel bad.

 

Any advice? Sorry for the rambling.

[d0nnivain]

You have already put a lot of distance in your relationship. Out of kindness, I'd respond back with something bland . . . I've been OK; you know how this time of year can get.

 

I don't see a reason to draw a sharp end to your past friendship. Just let it fade but be kind & polite when you do speak to him but there is no need to make plans.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Sounds like you don't appreciate his friendship.

 

That's fine, but own it. Tell him that you don't feel you are as close of friends as you used to be because you're doing different things with your life.

 

You being bored when hanging out with him isn't his problem, its yours.

 

Fix it to your liking, or bear with it.

[rester]

You have already put a lot of distance in your relationship. Out of kindness, I'd respond back with something bland . . . I've been OK; you know how this time of year can get.

 

I don't see a reason to draw a sharp end to your past friendship. Just let it fade but be kind & polite when you do speak to him but there is no need to make plans.

 

This is what I would do. You haven't spoken in a year. Just say you've been doing well, but very busy these days.

 

...Tell him that you don't feel you are as close of friends as you used to be because you're doing different things with your life.

...

 

This seems to be unnecessary, in my opinion. No reason to burn the bridge. You never know what the future holds. By letting the friendship fade away, you at least leave the option to reconnect in the future. The above is going to be taken as an insult. It reeks of superiority.

[Mark1]

Sounds like you don't appreciate his friendship.

 

That's fine, but own it. Tell him that you don't feel you are as close of friends as you used to be because you're doing different things with your life.

 

You being bored when hanging out with him isn't his problem, its yours.

 

Fix it to your liking, or bear with it.

 

 

How is it MY fault I don't like hanging out with him anymore? Are you serious?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

This is what I would do. You haven't spoken in a year. Just say you've been doing well, but very busy these days.

 

 

 

This seems to be unnecessary, in my opinion. No reason to burn the bridge. You never know what the future holds. By letting the friendship fade away, you at least leave the option to reconnect in the future. The above is going to be taken as an insult. It reeks of superiority.

 

Not burning a bridge you don't care for for future use? That isn't friendship, that's manipulation and using someone for your own benefit should the situation present itself. If anything, I feel that reeks of superiority, with respect.

 

If you, by your own admittance I may add, find time with this person as the lowest priority in your life, and are bored when you hang out with him, why not tell him so? What do you gain by pretending to be his friend other than the option to use him in the future when you feel a benefit is acceptable enough for you.

 

He seems like he enjoys what he does. You seem like you don't enjoy what you do when you're hanging out.

 

There's nothing wrong with that.

 

I'd argue there is something wrong about holding onto a fake friendship in hopes of a benefit in the future. I'd also argue that it changes the dynamic to a business relationship, not friendship.

 

Alas, this is my own opinion offered for review, not to cause an argument. Should you choose that you believe differently, then kudos to you! I feel sorry for the Jerry you are leading on in your calculated decisions.

[Mark1]

Not burning a bridge you don't care for for future use? That isn't friendship, that's manipulation and using someone for your own benefit should the situation present itself. If anything, I feel that reeks of superiority, with respect.

 

If you, by your own admittance I may add, find time with this person as the lowest priority in your life, and are bored when you hang out with him, why not tell him so? What do you gain by pretending to be his friend other than the option to use him in the future when you feel a benefit is acceptable enough for you.

 

He seems like he enjoys what he does. You seem like you don't enjoy what you do when you're hanging out.

 

There's nothing wrong with that.

 

I'd argue there is something wrong about holding onto a fake friendship in hopes of a benefit in the future. I'd also argue that it changes the dynamic to a business relationship, not friendship.

 

Alas, this is my own opinion offered for review, not to cause an argument. Should you choose that you believe differently, then kudos to you! I feel sorry for the Jerry you are leading on in your calculated decisions.

 

This I can definitely agree with. But with other friends I don't have anymore, its been a gradual drifting apart. Never did we formally say we aren't friends. The fact that he isn't picking up on social cues makes me think he might have Asperger's.

 

If you were interested in a girl and she kept giving you reasons why she couldn't hang out, and then stopped replying entirely, would you keep contacting her? Probably not. Why is this any different to him?

[rester]

Not burning a bridge you don't care for for future use? That isn't friendship, that's manipulation and using someone for your own benefit should the situation present itself. If anything, I feel that reeks of superiority, with respect.

 

If you, by your own admittance I may add, find time with this person as the lowest priority in your life, and are bored when you hang out with him, why not tell him so? What do you gain by pretending to be his friend other than the option to use him in the future when you feel a benefit is acceptable enough for you.

 

He seems like he enjoys what he does. You seem like you don't enjoy what you do when you're hanging out.

 

There's nothing wrong with that.

 

I'd argue there is something wrong about holding onto a fake friendship in hopes of a benefit in the future. I'd also argue that it changes the dynamic to a business relationship, not friendship.

 

Alas, this is my own opinion offered for review, not to cause an argument. Should you choose that you believe differently, then kudos to you! I feel sorry for the Jerry you are leading on in your calculated decisions.

 

I see what you mean about using people for one's own benefit. That was not what I meant. I agree that would be wrong. Let me try to explain better:

 

Telling someone that you no longer value their friendship, for whatever reason, is going to cause an unnecessary rift. It's unnecessary because these two have already fallen out of friendship and don't speak to each other often.

 

What happens, if in another month or two, they run into each other in public, or even at a mutual friend's place? If there is a rift between them, things are awkward for not only the two of them, but others around them. It's drama for the sake of drama, in my opinion.

 

If there was no burning bridges, there wouldn't be any problem. The OP could be pleasant to this old friend but doesn't need to make any future plans with them.

 

People talk and it just seems to me that going out of one's way to tell someone you haven't spoken to in a year that you no longer want to be their "friend" is pointless. It's like telling someone they're fat. It's rude and nothing good comes from it.

 

Likewise, when you end a romantic relationship, it's not typical to tell someone that you are bored with them. That's just an insult.

 

My point is just that, in my opinion, there are ways to end a friendship without being insulting.

[basil67]

Given that he's no longer part of your life, it's totally unnecessary - not to mention extremely hurtful - to formally end things with him. Just continue to fade from his life.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

This I can definitely agree with. But with other friends I don't have anymore, its been a gradual drifting apart. Never did we formally say we aren't friends. The fact that he isn't picking up on social cues makes me think he might have Asperger's.

 

If you were interested in a girl and she kept giving you reasons why she couldn't hang out, and then stopped replying entirely, would you keep contacting her? Probably not. Why is this any different to him?

 

I see what you're saying.

 

I propose a perspective!

 

"Ghosting", or fading away without the confrontation, is vehemently advocated against and complained about in other parts of this forum when viewed from a romantic aspect. Pulling this same move to a ...supposed...friend who is not getting the social cues that you don't want to be a part of his life anymore is essentially the same move, is it not? And I assume that should a romantic interest ghosted you, especially when you desired that connection, you probably felt hurt and felt that bridge was burned.

 

I only bring up this perspective, because it's the perspective of the friend who essentially got dumped. The Jerry.... The one who is supposedly not getting social queues about ghosting, when in reality, the act of ghosting in itself is from the fear of confronting that which has been missed....the cue of an ending friendship.

 

My point is just that, in my opinion, there are ways to end a friendship without being insulting.

 

This is very true. I've never been one to be able to coddle an answer. I've always tried to be very blunt, regardless of the information being passed. It's not that I'm not empathetic, it's that I prefer to be told things like if I'm no longer fun to hang out with, or that someone has different priorities in their life now so they no longer feel like they should hang out as much. I prefer the blunt answer and probably wrongfully assume people expect the same.

 

Maybe burning the bridge is too strong of an action? I do agree, distancing yourself from friendship you deem unfavorable is walking a thin line when trying to account for the feelings of the Jerry, but in essence, his feelings are no longer your concern as you are objecting to his wanting-to-be your friend anyway.

 

Being polite in trashing a friendship by not responding to him or creating excuses not to hang with him is not saving him from his own feelings. It's saving the feelings of the person wanting the distance, but doesn't want a confrontation in telling someone "hey, i think we've grown apart and want different things in life. I wish you the best."

 

People talk and it just seems to me that going out of one's way to tell someone you haven't spoken to in a year that you no longer want to be their "friend" is pointless. It's like telling someone they're fat. It's rude and nothing good comes from it.

 

However, this guy isn't getting the socially accepted "cue", is he? So, he continues to contact you in hopes of revitalizing a friendship, only to be ignored, which....apparently isn't rude at all!

 

I'm not patronizing you. I just do not see the same perspective. Maybe that's because I was the Jerry, or maybe that's because I lost some friendships these past few years that I truly valued, but it was handled like this.

 

Given that he's no longer part of your life, it's totally unnecessary - not to mention extremely hurtful - to formally end things with him. Just continue to fade from his life.

 

Hurtful to whom? To the person who is being ignored, as per your advice, or to the person who is doing the ignoring, who is clearly not hurt from the dissolution of the friendship?

Edited November 11, 2015 by DrReplyInRhymes
fixed the quote tags

[truthtripper]

I am 26 years old. I was friends since about the first week of college (so, 18 to about 24 or 25) with a guy, we'll call him Mark. We used to talk every day either by text or in person, at one point in college I probably considered him my best friend.

 

 

On the occasion we WOULD go out together, I might strike up a conversation with a woman, and before I could find out her name or anything like that he'd jump in and say "Hey, do you know her?!" etc etc and make things uncomfortable........

 

....... I'm posting this because he just texted me asking me how I have been and I was having a rough day and it made me feel bad.

 

Any advice? Sorry for the rambling.

Do you feel inferior to him or are you envious of him in some way, that causes you to feel left behind or left out?