Not sure what to think of this friendship (honesty is appreciated)

[phunkadelic]

Hello I'm new to this forum and in desperate need of perspective on this issue. I've thought about it pretty much every day for a year now. I want the blunt honest truth as I will describe the scenario with no bias.

 

So 4 years ago I met this girl at work. We would always catch each other looking and after a week or so and we started talking a lot (mostly through texts and at work). We talked for about 2 weeks and I was super interested in taking her. I finally brought up the idea of us hanging out and she basically ending up telling me she wasn't interested in a relationship, but she loved the attention I was giving. This came as a complete shock to me and I was really bothered by it because it didn't really make any sense. Communication pretty much immediately stopped between us. She asked me a few times why I didn't talk to her and I kind of just shrugged it off.. it really bothered me.

 

I thought about her a lot for like 4-5 months after then realized I had to stop the thinking. So a couple years go by and she calls me and I know its her, but I don't pick up. Then my friend tells me she wants me to talk to her. I was having trouble getting myself to say something to her, but I'm not sure if I was nervous or didn't want to. Eventually I decide to say hi and see what's up and says something to me along the lines of "I'm so sorry I was such a bitch before to you. If I hadn't been so stupid maybe we could have been something because we really hit it off." I told her it was ok and that she did nothing wrong. She then asks me if I have a girlfriend and I say no and tells me she isn't looking for a relationship, but is ok with fooling around. I get the hint here that she clearly wants to have sex with me.

 

Now you see I wasn't as motivated to talk to her as I was before, but I recognized the fact that I could have sex so I asked her to hang out at school some time. We do that and everything goes well and she seems super interested and we plan to hangout at a friends house. Now at the time I was terrible at hanging out with a lot of people lol and I was doing a lot of drugs. My problem got worse, but this happened during the seeds of my drug use.

 

I wish I could describe everything that happened that night, but I'm just going to say that she was not attractive to me. Not only do I feel like I judged her appearance, but her behavior as well. To be fair I feel like I had my reasons to dislike her behavior. She was making very passive-aggressive comments about my behavior. I am very quiet and at the time I was by no means a social person. She would ask a question and then say "phunkadelic doesn't know" because I wouldn't know how to answer a question like "what kind of music do you like?" I'm sorry it's just a bad question. She also said "I didn't get a hug" when I got there and offered her friend one. Maybe I should have, but there is no reason to mutter it under your breath. The whole night I KNEW she thought I was ignoring her, but I WAS NOT. It was a like mind game where she thinks I'm ignoring and I know she thinks that so it makes it even harder for me to talk to her. I played a song that I liked that wasn't mainstream and she says "You don't play music like that at a party" in a very condescending tone which really annoyed me. This wasn't even a party it was 4 friends from work lol. Anyway basically the night became a disaster when she started teasing me with sex and talking about how I had seen her naked before. I understand I might come off as a pussy, but I literally could not speak while she was doing this it was SO ANNOYING!! I ask to talk to her and I say "Why are you trying to get all this attention from me?" and then tells me she wants to **** me which I already knew. I agreed and asked her to please not tease me so then we go back to the fire and I ask her a question and she responds with something (I forget what) and then says "What are you going to hit me now?". I just can't believe she would say that and then she says she is uncomfortable and leaves. I ask her why she said she was uncomfortable and she said it was late.

 

So now I'm concerned I ****ed up because I did like her and started blaming my behavior and driving myself crazy over it. A couple days later I tell her I was not ignoring her and that I have anxiety problems and she asks If I still want to have sex I say yes and we start talking and eventually she mentions how she would send me nudes. I kind give off the vibe that I'm ok with her sending them to me, but I never asked her. I told her she should do what she wanted to do. She sends them and I'm in shock because of the roller coaster I've been on and think to myself does she just want attention?! I mean I'm ok with having sex, but I'm not going to suck up to you and give you compliments unless I want to. The agreement was no relationship. I probably shouldn't have done this, but I make a joke about how I'm gunna jerk off to them hahah and I think this bothered her a lot. She told me what she was going for in them and I agreed with her, but I never really said anything direct about it. She got the idea that I just didn't appreciate them and calls the whole thing off saying she doesn't have "feelings" for me anymore. I basically plea the case that I don't really owe her anything this is just casual sex.

 

So the reason this still bothers me today is because she made me feel real bad for how I ruined the friendship by the way I behaved. I was emotional at times because I have problems controlling my emotions when they get more intense. She told me that now I wasn't going to talk to her for a month as if I had been talking to her so much. She rejected me because she wasn't getting enough attention from me and now shes pissed I won't talk to her. I told her she wasn't going to say anything to me either. Then a couple days later she is posting on her twitter about how our friendship is a mess. Crazy thing next is I continued to pursue her because I didn't want to be that guy. So for the next 6 months I am talking to her as a friend, but occasionally I would get really down on myself and then try to talk to her about what happened and I think that might have thrown her off, but not sure. What bothered me the most is how she never initiated a conversation with me and it took me accusing her of ignoring me for her to say she was "busy". i was having trouble believing that she saw me in the same way not to mention she is talking about me online saying I am a drama queen, I pity myself, I use social media to spread drama. I said some stupid **** to her tho too like how I really just wanted sex, but I don't even think that is true because I thought that maybe we could be in a relationship if things went well.

 

My anxiety, emotional control and inability to be honest were serious issues here and it made me come off as not caring when I really did. I just wanted to hang out with her by herself more often, but I was given a week before told it couldn't happen. Now I can't even talk to her because she thought I was out of control obsessive and clingy when in reality I was extremely concerned with her perspective of me. I wanted her to think I was a great person still, but I always got the impression she was so much less interested. I'm not going to lie I also had hopes of getting her back on my side. I honestly have no idea what to think of this scenario and seriously need to let go. I actually feel better writing this. The worst part of it all is the night our friendship ended I can't even remember because I was so ****ing high I remember a few things I said that made her mad at me. Then the next day I went to see her at work to apologize and that just made me seems like a maniac. I fell into a depression after this because I couldn't believe my actions. I feel so guilty its ridiculous.

 

God bless you if you read all this.

Thank you have a nice day.

[preraph]

Well, I did read it all and you're welcome. I think anyone who didn't have anxiety while dealing with this confusing little tease is just as nutty as she is. Seriously, she's told you more than one she's not interested in a relationship, which means, at minimum, where you like and respect each other. She dangles sex before you. I don't even get the part where she openly tells you she loves the attention. But let's assume that's the only honest thing she's said here.

 

Frankly, my take on her is she's pretty messed up. Maybe had horrid role models or even worse. She seems chaotic.

 

I don't know how much drugs play into the whole situation so I can't make a read on that. I know that unless it's serious addictive drugs, where the addiction takes over a person's life, the people I knew were much the same on as off. So I doubt you can blame her or your behavior on that alone.

 

I think one reason she comes back for more interaction with you is because she feels powerful that she can make you nervous. Sometimes both men and women who have no power in real life will use any little bit of power they can muster like a sword.

 

Honestly, I'd just walk away from this. I can't say how messed up you are, but I certainly understand why you'd freeze up in this situation where she may be saying one thing and doing another. I wouldn't trust her not to just be setting you up to look silly. So I don't know what your anxiety is in general out of control. I think anyone would be baffled and nervous dealing with this girl.

 

Why not move out of her periphery and open yourself up to someone a little less confusing and more straightforward. I doubt the sex would be worth all the trouble.

[anika99]

Yes you do need to let it go, and you need to stop caring so much about what a immature game playing little girl thinks of you. I could understand your concern if you had lost some deep caring friendship but why be so obsessed over this friendship that never existed?

 

The most honest thing this girl said to you is that she didn't want a relationship but she loved the attention. That's a common theme among many young girls, because they are insecure too and want their ego stroked. Most of them don't come right out and say it though. Also when she offered you sex I think she was also wanting you to build up her ego. She wanted you to lay on the flattery and make her feel attractive. To a certain point I see her reasoning. Just because it was going to be sex only doesn't mean she wanted you to treat it like some kind of business arrangement. Even people in no strings attached sexual relationships want to feel attractive to the their sex buddy. But you said you were judging her appearance that night and you didn't find her attractive so what is the problem?

[phunkadelic]

Thanks a lot for these. I've been told before that this girl was kinda crazy. Im just not willing to admit I didn't make mistakes. It is true I was having trouble being physically attracted to her, but I didn't think she was ugly by any means. I'm just gunna be blunt here I thought her nudes were terriblr, but she has always been very insecure with her looks so I feel bad. I couldn't lie to her because to me I felt like she just wanted attention she didn't really deserve. It was her behavior that really drove me crazy, but like I said before when its just me and her we talked real well. I'm not sure what the problem is either. I was going to show her I was attracted to her. At no point was I ever considering not talking to her. What bothered me so much was how I felt rushed into it. I feel like she was begging me to tell her I thought she was attractive and I just couldn't do it. She literally gave me a week to show anything before she calls everything off and then I get guilt tripped for the friendship.

 

I'm just really annoyed with myself because she was honest with me and I behaved irrational at times. I have no idea if I was just nervous and that's why it got ****ed up or I was unnatracted to her. She is so out there and I am much more conserved and quiet so maybe I didn't realize it. I honestly didn't even feel like i knew her because it had been so long, but she was super interested in me. I have know idea how to look at this it drives me crazy

 

Let me also just mention that I have no experience with women

Edited November 2, 2015 by phunkadelic

[preraph]

And you still don't have any experience with women, just with one crazy girl who seems totally confusing. I have to think you make better sense than she does. The only other advice I can offer is put more weight on what she does than what she says. As the old cliche goes, actions speak louder than words.

[kenmore]

Reading all of this, I'd have to say you both acted inappropriately in such a way as to create a perfect repulsion. I suspect the drugs played their part just like alcohol does many times and you both have a lot of growing to do, but you're letting yourself obsess over her and that's where you are going wrong now.

 

She did not want a relationship with you, you didn't find her terribly attractive so there's really nothing there except your own insecurities, trying to figure out where you went wrong and how you can fix it next time. Okay, let's discuss that. Number one, this girl doesn't matter. Next time you will more than likely meet someone who is more stable and mature. Please don't let this experience with this one chick damage your ego. Number two, I suggest you control or eliminate your drug usage. Not knowing what you are taking makes it difficult to know what role it played here but it certainly did NOT help! Number three, you have growing to do and you will grow. Remember we were all young and naive at one time, that's nothing unique! This was a mistake. A long drawn-out mistake at that. Don't judge your whole ability with women based upon a mistake. Learn from them and meet the next woman with the confidence that you know you are better than before.

 

In other words, take it easy on yourself. Sure, you made some mistakes. So did she. Again, nothing new there. Maturity comes with age and experience. You just got a ton of experience. Learn from it, let it guide your behavior and move on with more confidence. As for being social, if you force yourself to be, it will start to become more natural. Don't be afraid to speak your mind. Always be honest and even if everything that comes out of your mouth isn't golden, at least it will be 100% you.

 

Stop obsessing over this chick and move on. As cops say at horrible accident scenes, there's nothing to see here. What you can learn from this has already be learnt. All you're doing now is causing yourself damage.

 

Ken

[phunkadelic]

Thank you all so much. I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing more I can learn from this. I have talked about the problem with enough people and I hear the same thing. I can use this scenario to learn a lot and the only way I can get the most out of it is if I start now. My real problem is my ego and stubbornnes... Quite frankly I am sick of it. I get so caught up thinking I don't have any more chances because I have had such little experience throughout my life. It's not my fault and its not hers I just need to move on because I cannot fix it. Thank you all so much for the knowledge.

[Sweet108]

It sounds like she's in it for the ego boost.

[phunkadelic]

I'm pretty sure her argument against that would be that I was being was too clingy and obsessive. There was one time I asked her about why exactly she rejected me. There was another time I texted her and told her that I was happy I met her, but I never really wanted a relationship. She said it was sweet and sad and asked to talk, but I told her I couldn't. I think I was drunk that night. There was another night we talked, that I initiated as always, and she was telling me she felt unlovable and saying really nice things about me like how she was surprised I was a virgin and my voice sounded nice (I was drunk as well this night). I told her she was definitely lovable and eventually told her I thought about her a few times a week. I tried talking to her again the next day and after this day she was definitely less responsive. Over winter break that year she said not one word to me, I wished her a happy holidays which she did reply to. A couple months went by and she asks if I want to hang out. She cancels later on. I feel like I ****ed up real bad I think I was clingy and obsessive. I don't know I guess I just wish she had tried a little harder if she realized there was a problem. It drives me nuts!! OH WELL I CHOOSE TO LIVE SO THAT MEANS I GOTTA DEAL WITH IT

Edited November 19, 2015 by phunkadelic