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Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

 
 
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Old 21st January 2005, 10:24 PM   #16
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Well your only other option is to wait it out. The fun of alcohol starts to wane after a few years. Once
people go from university into the real world, going to work with a hangover isnt so fun.

But in school, its your best chance to socialise. And alcohol is the best conveyer of socialisation
ever. It removes shyness and allows you to talk to people you would never even have met otherwise.

And yes she has changed the boundries, but people change. Thats what we do. If you are unwilling
to change you will end up being left behind. Im sure you have your reasons for not drinking. But this
is the price you pay unfortunatly.

As for her abandoning you, you have left her no choice. Im sure she would love to have you along, but
she knows you dont drink and would not enjoy yourself. If you suddenly started drinking you would
probably party with her everynight.
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Old 21st January 2005, 10:28 PM   #17
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As for her abandoning you, you have left her no choice.

Bull sh**, she has a choice. She could choose to stay and be friends with the person who she's shared her most vulnerable sides to, who's helped her through times of pain and been there in times of joy. She's chosen other people over me. And that's what it comes down to.
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Old 21st January 2005, 10:36 PM   #18
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You are saying for her to stay friends with you she has to stop drinking? So she has to change her life
to suit yours and your beliefs?

I have stated why she dosnt hang around with you. You dont drink = no fun to drink with. Its not
because she dosnt like you or dosnt want to hang around with you. You are taking her drinking very
personally, and its not....at least to her. Its a new fun thing to do. Thats it. Nothing more.

If you want her as a friend still, you are gonna have to work at it. I'm not saying drink, but you are
gonna have to find some way to get back into her life again. Maybe even biting the bullet sometimes
and going out with her and her friends when they drink. If they ask you to drink, say you are allergic.
At least this will aviod them pestering you about not doing it.
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Old 21st January 2005, 11:04 PM   #19
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Or at least sit down and talk to her about your feelings. I hear alcohol helps one say what the normally cant.
j/k

Seriously though. Its obviously bothering you alot. Sit down with her and work somethign out. Letting it
eat you up inside isnt gonna solve anything. And silly me or them ultimatums arnt gonna work.
But voicing how much it bothers you and how you feel you dont have a place in her life anymore would
probably get through to her. Unless you take the chance and say something, she will never know.

You said you 'think' she knows how much it bothers you. But thinking and knowing are two different things.

And if she values your friendship half as much as you value hers, she will probably at least fix some of
the gap that has worked its way inbetween the two of you.
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Old 21st January 2005, 11:36 PM   #20
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And diplomatic wording is a better way of aproaching her on the problem. Dont say 'Your drinking bothers
me' Say something more to the effect of 'I feel like we have been drifting apart over the past *timeframe*)

Then if she brings up drinking, you can voice your worries about that.
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Old 22nd January 2005, 12:15 AM   #21
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I know, and seriously, I couldn't care less if she drank every now and then. It's the whole situation that bothers me. Thanks for finally acknowledging how I'm feeling though.
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Old 22nd January 2005, 12:23 AM   #22
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And yes she has changed the boundries, but people change. Thats what we do

sounds about right she's spreading her wings so she can test them. And that may mean doing something that's not normally in her character, but it doesn't mean she thinks less of you, she just might not be sure how to balance life now with life before.

SF has a very good point: if your friendship is strong in and of itself, things will settle down and she'll be back in contact. Maybe not the same exact way, because our experiences change us even in the slightest bit, but the core friendship is still there.

maybe the question now is to ask yourself if you're going to be that kind friend who will trust her period of discovery and space apart no matter how much it kills you. That doesn't mean you can't call her up and invite her to coffee or lunch or something relaxed where you catch up with each other. That that sort of meeting ground could be a good one, in that neither of you feel awkward about the whole lifestyle-change-that-includes-drinking thing ...

bob, the whole growing up and physical distance thing is hard to cope with, especially if you feel you're missing out on someone who could be your siamese twin, you feel that bonded with them. But the hallmark of sincere friendship is knowing that sometimes you just have to let the other person go and be, but still leave that door open to reconnect.
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Old 23rd January 2005, 2:07 AM   #23
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Yeah, that's good advice. I will try to just trust her, but if it gets to the point where it's self-destructive for her, then I'll try to talk to her. Or if I keep feeling like it's coming between us.

It's so hard. Today I asked her if she wanted to go out and get a sandwich for lunch, and she was happy to say yes. I think part of what's been going on, is that I've been super busy with my senior final project, therefore I haven't had time to do much like go to a movie, or just hang out. Meanwhile she is most definitly at a time where she's testing her wings. She graduates in about month, and I think she's kinda freaked out about it. So she's been trying to get away and have fun, while I sit and work (seriously, I have to, it's crunch time for the next 7 weeks). It's possible she's trying to use alochol as a means to get her mind off things. I really hope that's not the case--only because it's such a sudden change for her. So anyway, I think she was trying to find other people who she could go out with. But it's not entirely my fault that I haven't spent time out with her--she's decided to go places for fun where I don't wanna go. I think we've covered this.

Today we had fun and acted like friends for the first time in a few weeks. When I asked her if she wanted to get a sandwich, her attitude perked up and stayed up all day. Friday she just seemed kinda "ho-hum" about everything. Woke up today, and she seemed the same. Until I asked.

Anyway, I'm seeing a little bigger picture. I wanna try to make time and offer other fun things to do. I hope that helps her feel less dependent on going out and drinking, but who knows. It's kinda early to tell what exactly everything means.
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Old 23rd January 2005, 3:29 PM   #24
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Lol, ya sorry to get so worked up. It was just frustrating for me, because the easiest solution would have
seemed to be just to go out an drink. But you have very strong reasons not to drink im guessing.
But she is a different person than you, with different experiences. So getting mad at her because
she is doing something she sees nothing wrong with wont help. Even if you feel so strongly about it.
Sometimes the things that are worth the most in life are the things that you must fight
for(even if it is not drinking or trying to find a comprimise with a friend.)

Just play it cool. It usually takes years of drinking for someone to become an alcoholic, so that wont
be a problem here yet. If you do see a problem with her drinking too much, step back a few paces
and cool down before you talk to her about it. Just jumping in and saying 'you have a drinking problem!!'
or 'you are an alcoholic' when niether may be the case will only insult her and put a very big dent
in your relationship. Lots of people bing drink, so maybe ask some friends advice on her before
you make a decision.

goodluck.
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Old 24th January 2005, 9:30 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally posted by SuperFantastico
Just play it cool. It usually takes years of drinking for someone to become an alcoholic, so that wont
be a problem here yet.
Actually that's not true. It took a matter of months for me to become an alcoholic when I was younger. I literally had to drink every day.

Anyways, I remember OTHER people made such a big deal out of me not drinking, I never stood up and annonced "I'm not drinking alcohol!"

Usually someone would offer me a drink, I would say no, they would say "why not?", I would say, I'm not drinking tonight, and THEN it would become a big issue spread amongst the friends we were hanging out with.

Now, I started drinking again recently. Not cool, I need to stop. It sucks too because when you can't enjoy in moderation you DO have to make it a point to say no, and it is embarassing, and it's not like you condemn other people. I get jealous. I want to be able to drink occassionally, too....
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Old 24th January 2005, 10:31 AM   #26
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Yeah I only started drinking this past week. Reason? Girl problems. However, apparently Drunk Jon is a ladies man and both nights I got drunk I made out this this other girl, something I'd never do because I'm usually such a gentleman. It was good is all I can say.

But yeah, that first year and a half non-alcohol induced was ok. But you can only play cards so often before boredom sets in. And I don't gamble so that ended my card playing. Money I'd definitely loose because I suck at poker.

I also believe people are more honest when they are drunk, which is why they can get embarrassed when you see them later.

But yeah, don't feel pressured to do things you don't want to. I still don't do weed or nicotine, because I don't like smoke. And I have some friends who do smoke. I believe that these people will grow up sooner or later, as will I. But I figured college is only once and might as well make the most of it. No use being 30 and thinking back to college and wishing you had talked with that one girl or danced at a party.
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Old 24th January 2005, 9:09 PM   #27
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Months?! Thats crazy. I've never been able to drink heavily more than one day in a row. Even when i was
young. I hate hangovers. And that next day bleh feelling dosnt help either. I guess its different from
person to person.

Anyways, thats not really the topic. ...er see above comments, this one is unrelated.
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