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Concerned for my mate


thunder777

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My friend is about 37, ive known him for 20 years

 

he has always been messing around with one girl or another

 

sad thing is most of these girls are ones he meets at 2am in the morning when theyre both drunk and theyre the last people remaining at nightclubs. some turned into generally long relationships others mostly one night stands

 

anyways, a year ago he got dumped by a 40yo irish woman (we are in australia) she came to australia after divorce and a kid, and my mate and her went steady for a while

 

im guessing she took the grass is greener road and eventually dumped my mate off

 

this actually shattered him. he was so indulged with her, and normally he'd be so indifferent but this time he was crushed

 

a year on, he has barely been with other girls, and now he spend ALL his time obsessed with youtube videos that document a growing culture known as MWGTOW (Men who go their own way). these videos are to me broken hearted men who now, do everything in their power to brain wash their viewers about how all women are evil, are cunning and malicious and only want men as utilities seeking them purely for their money

 

this is now who has become, someone still stuck in secret pain about his ex, watching every possible youtube video that decimates a womans worth.

 

its becoming psychotic, he is always hostile, you cant have fun laughable conversations with him anymore, and any chat turns into him having massive vents about any possible thing on the planet. he bad mouths anything and anyone, and he's becoming painful to be around

 

its sickening to have to go in the lounge room and hear the crap he's listening too

 

he refuses to go on tinder and simply chat with girls, interaction with women is no longer permitted for him

 

he has also had massive fights with his foster family and is no longer in touch with them, and there is little chance of reconciliation here.

 

he cant see it but his isolation is becoming extreme. he works hard and is paying off his house which is positive but his away from work life style is rotting

 

im not the best communicator and i dont think i can fix this "rationally" im scared as to where this is going, how can i break this cycle?

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Oh, gosh, it does sound like he's gone off the deep end. You see, he's looking for some reason why he was rejected by this woman he valued a lot other than looking inward or simply acknowledging that sometimes people simply aren't on the same path. He probably is looking for ways to not make this his fault by finding a way to generalize about women.

 

So I think a talk about "no-fault breakups" is in order. You need to make him realize that people are all different and there's no one right way to be and that a man or woman may accept or reject another person based on completely subjective things created by their own life experiences. He may only like women with big boobs or red hair and she may be subconsciously seeking a man who reminds her of Uncle Marty. She may need a level of either gentleness or gregariousness he doesn't match up with because of simply her whole life background. There are just thousands of reasons why not everyone is a match, and only a few of them are someone's fault (like being overly possessive or cheating or being slovenly). Most are simply because we're all different people from different backgrounds.

 

You might also try to find out if she was "the ideal girl in his head." If so, he's still clinging to that fantasy and had simply projected attributes onto her that she didn't possess, but he may still not realize she didn't fit the ideal he has always carried in his head.

 

He is bordering on delusional at this point, so if you or anyone you know has any firm influence over him, get him in to see a psychologist before this degenerates any further. Good luck. Also, be sure he's not overmedicating or over indulging with drugs or alcohol. He probably is.

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thanks so much for reply, its great to get some outside perspective on him, when im stuck right in the heart of it all living in the same house

 

youre exactly right too, a very brief conversation we had today, he managed to pull out some generalization comment about women, and i thought wow PRERAPH theres youre perspective there & there

 

being men, going up and starting a conversation asking questions about his ex from a year ago is quite a weird thing to do and i myself am not very endearing to be gently listening and responding with understanding replies

 

i fear i might cause upsets and draw out demons, hurting our friendship, but i dunno if he realizes already that im trying to do my best to steer clear of him already due to this saturating "only wishing to decimate women lifestyle"

 

maybe i was thinking of emailing him a link to this thread, would that be a bad thing?

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I can see you're very uncomfortable having to deal with him on this level, and I don't blame you. That's why I was hoping there was some closer friend or family member to alert to the situation and let them deal with it.

 

I would urge you to help him keep his spirits up and divert his attention from focusing on this by at least taking him out to do something active (preferably physical to work off stress) and fun at least once a month so he knows you care. You certainly do not have to agree with him when he's ranting. In fact, you can always, first, empathize, but then tell him why it's wrong. Like "Wow, I know you're really going through a hard time, but it's a big old world out there and there's a whole lot of great women in it."

 

He really needs to see a psychologist, I think, since this has been going on for a year. I can understand if you're not comfortable saying "Maybe you ought to see a psychologist," particularly since he's chosen to look for reasons why this isn't any of his fault. I mean, he's going to be in denial. He's liable to say "Wow, a woman craps on me, and you think I'M the one who needs to see a shrink." I get that.

 

I don't think he going to be receptive yet, so probably not much point in copying him on my first post. Honestly, there may simply be nothing much you can do except NOT agree with him and try to point out the absurdities if he goes off on rants with you. But to get anyone to listen, first you must empathize and repeat enough back of what they said so they know you listened and heard them. And then you say, But....

 

Rock and a hard place. Hope he changes mode soon. My sister always said, "When you get tired of being miserable, I guess you'll stop."

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My friend is about 37, ive known him for 20 years

 

he has always been messing around with one girl or another

 

sad thing is most of these girls are ones he meets at 2am in the morning when theyre both drunk and theyre the last people remaining at nightclubs. some turned into generally long relationships others mostly one night stands

 

anyways, a year ago he got dumped by a 40yo irish woman (we are in australia) she came to australia after divorce and a kid, and my mate and her went steady for a while

 

im guessing she took the grass is greener road and eventually dumped my mate off

 

this actually shattered him. he was so indulged with her, and normally he'd be so indifferent but this time he was crushed

 

a year on, he has barely been with other girls, and now he spend ALL his time obsessed with youtube videos that document a growing culture known as MWGTOW (Men who go their own way). these videos are to me broken hearted men who now, do everything in their power to brain wash their viewers about how all women are evil, are cunning and malicious and only want men as utilities seeking them purely for their money

 

this is now who has become, someone still stuck in secret pain about his ex, watching every possible youtube video that decimates a womans worth.

 

its becoming psychotic, he is always hostile, you cant have fun laughable conversations with him anymore, and any chat turns into him having massive vents about any possible thing on the planet. he bad mouths anything and anyone, and he's becoming painful to be around

 

its sickening to have to go in the lounge room and hear the crap he's listening too

 

he refuses to go on tinder and simply chat with girls, interaction with women is no longer permitted for him

 

he has also had massive fights with his foster family and is no longer in touch with them, and there is little chance of reconciliation here.

 

he cant see it but his isolation is becoming extreme. he works hard and is paying off his house which is positive but his away from work life style is rotting

 

im not the best communicator and i dont think i can fix this "rationally" im scared as to where this is going, how can i break this cycle?

 

Dang sounds like my friend who just came back a year ago. We have had a strong chemistry ever since I could remember. He always had an issue with our age difference though he won't admit it. Unfortunately nothing you can do until he hits rock bottom. I stopped communication with this guy. He was like obsessing with this girl. Bad thing is he's really a great guy. Like you said he's in love with her. At one point he even told me he's going back for her at some point. Though he told all his friends he would be staying. Multiple friends have told him to see a therapist. This behavior just isn't healthy. I have never seen this guy with a girl minus her longer than 6 months, she was his first consistent relationship. I think he is afraid of letting go of her. Best wishes that he may find peace.

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