Heatemyheart89 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 My best friend is in a relationship with a guy and at the moment she is having daily meltdowns over it . Her sister thinks he is stringing her along. Other friends think this also. He makes nasty comments to her and ignores her messages/ lets her down last minute. She won't take any advice. I am feeling really depressed myself at the moment. Thing is I have a new job and I am going to be working with her. How should I deal with this? I feel like I want a resolution to this. I want him to dump her or for them to sort it out. I feel irrelevant to her and that she uses me. He is the most important thing. I have had health issues/ relationship issues ( still am getting over a breakup) but I feel like I can't say anything because she never listens anyway. She has only been like this a few months. She never asks me how I am or thinks I may have problems. She also cancels plans last minute with me. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 My best friend is in a relationship with a guy and at the moment she is having daily meltdowns over it . Her sister thinks he is stringing her along. Other friends think this also. He makes nasty comments to her and ignores her messages/ lets her down last minute. She won't take any advice. I am feeling really depressed myself at the moment. Thing is I have a new job and I am going to be working with her. How should I deal with this? I feel like I want a resolution to this. I want him to dump her or for them to sort it out. I feel irrelevant to her and that she uses me. He is the most important thing. I have had health issues/ relationship issues ( still am getting over a breakup) but I feel like I can't say anything because she never listens anyway. She has only been like this a few months. She never asks me how I am or thinks I may have problems. She also cancels plans last minute with me. Help! Resolution to WHAT? You're not with the guy - she is. It's HER problem. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 (edited) Tell her that you don't want to hear about her relationship problems anymore. Say something like "I know that you like this guy and I hope that you are able to work things out, but I don't want to hear about it anymore." If she continues to talk about it anyway, remind her "I don't want to hear about that," or "I'm trying to focus on my work, I can't talk right now." Walk away if you need to. As for cancelling plans, say something next time you make plans. Tell her that if she needs to cancel that is fine, but to please let you know in advance so that you have time to make other plans for yourself. If she continues to cancel last minute, stop agreeing to meet up with her. Edited October 8, 2015 by SpiralOut Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 As long as there's no egregious behavior being reported (violence, substance abuse, married), listen and repeat back some of what she says so she knows you're listening. I think we all go through these things when this is the only thing on our minds and of course friends get tired of it, but then one day it will be the friend's turn to need a shoulder as well, so if you're really friends, you provide a shoulder. It doesn't have to go on forever. If it's gone on too long, either change the subject or get her out of wherever you are and go do something to get her to refocus. Nothing wrong with actually telling her, What you need is a change of scenery so you can give yourself a break from this for awhile. And of course, if it just gets overly extreme and is cutting into your time too much, you have to just say "Becky, hate to say it, but I've got to get some things done. Will you call me tomorrow and let me know how you're doing?" Just nurture her. And you might remind her that if all you do is hear negative things about him, and then she is still with him in a few months, that will make it very difficult for you to accept him. So encourage her to say the good and why she thinks he's worth it as well. Link to post Share on other sites
dragonfire13 Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Tbh contrary to other people's advice telling you to just tell her straight, I wouldn't advise that. I'm a straight-up person myself and when ive tried to be direct about things that are pissing me off, ive usually ended up losing the friend. No one likes to be criticised and from her point of view, she'll probably see it as she's going through a hard time right now and you're not being there for her. Instead, try the passive-aggressive approach: when she talks about the problem, act uninterested, keep the answers short, finalise your answer and change the topic. Repeat until she gets the message. I do the same with self-absorbed people who you sometimes find will just talk and talk and talk about themselves. Eventually she'll pick up on the fact that you don't want to talk about her relationship issues, and if she has any kind of self-awareness she'll realise she's letting her obsession with this relationship kill her friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 You might give her one more piece of advice and tell her that she seems very focused on this and that you are beginning to wonder if it translates to being needy and that the guy is simply tired of being relentlessly harangued and has had to establish a boundary. I mean, this may not be the case. Maybe he is just a jerk, but you may remind her that if that is the case and he is a jerk nothing to do with her, why bother with him. Link to post Share on other sites
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