Friendless and frustrated

[ladybeanandcats]

Hey all.

 

Quick back ground... towards the end of high school I grew rapidly apart from the friends I had grown up with and made in school. By senor year I was so focused on getting myself prepared to college and stuff and doing the things I became interested in that my friends were not that I drifted apart and became sort of a lone wolf. My first year of college I met a guy and I pretty much became married without actually having been married so my life was consisted of college then working full time, him, family and home we shared and were working on together and my new hobbies.

 

In about 2012 I started reuniting with some old friends on FB after my older sister passed away in 2011. One of them and I started hanging out regularly but it was pretty much just she and I, I never hung out with anyone else.

 

My relationship came to a very dramatic close finally at the end of 2013 and I moved home, was single again for the first time since 19 (10.5 year earlier). All the people who preached along the way and things fell apart sort of just disappeared once I needed a new support system based on friendship.

 

I've got a lot of unique interests and am pretty introverted so it's hard to relate to most people. The few female friends I made just weren't inner circle close friends. One never wants to go anywhere and lives far away and any time we tried to make plans she'd cancel at the last minute for one reason or another. The other borrowed money from me and got mad when I needed it back. I wasn't working at the time so I really needed and it was understood at the time so I really couldn't afford it but we went out to breakfast together and she had spent all her money on drinking that night so she was stuck unable to pay her bill. Otherwise I would have said don't worry about it but I just couldn't afford to. So now we don't talk anymore. My other friend who I spent most of my time with until about a year ago was very emotional and dramatic and I had to walk on egg shells around her because if I ever said anything to her she didn't like a hell storm would open on me. She didn't really have any female friends, all guys. That relationship ended when someone she had dated like 15 years ago and I started talking and I asked her in passing if he ever asked me out if she would be OK with that and she exploded on me, texting me off all day while I was at work about what a bitch I am, how I am not a friend because I wouldn't have even asked if I was, even though she said she had no feelings for him. We are in our early 30s btw. So that ended not to mention one of her guy friends used to insult me and try to manipulate me into sleeping with him by criticizing me but making it like that's why I should hook up with him and he went back and said things to a guy I met through them to make him not want to be with me. So it was no loss.

 

Other than that, the other people I know all live far away, are married and/or have kids or no way to get around or money to do anything so I don't really ever get to get out.

 

When I meet guys and the topic of friends comes up they always question why I am not out with my friends or whatever and ultimately why I do not have any friends. It scares them off so I have no idea what to do or how to address that issue when it comes up in a conversation with someone I met.

 

One of the reasons I am more interested in finding a partner is because I can't seem to get the same satisfying time with a friend that I probably would spending it with a boyfriend. Some people are just loners I guess and for the most part I prefer to do my own thing but I do often long for someone do things with rather than going out alone all the time or sitting at home on a weekend (such as I am now).

 

Thoughts? Suggestions on how to go meet new friends who are better suited for me? I'm done with friends who try to "fix me" or make me more like them and criticize me for what *I* like.

[Qboro90]

It's tough to make friends as we get older, no doubt about it. Chances are you're not going to find a new friend that will end up the same dynamic as if you had grown up with someone dice childhood, hs, or college. So don't expect that or hold it against people for not being "bff 's " right away.

 

Go to group events, fairs in the park, clubs, join a spin class or workout group. The gym is an easy place to meet same sex people you can relate to. Do you have pets? Dog parks or animal clubs are the absolute easiest way to connect with people.

 

And substituting friends with a boyfriend isn't a great idea. There needs to be balanced independence and hobbies between a couple. If your BF wants to go out with his buddies will he feel bad because you get sad being left behind? If it's a weekend and you want to go out, will he have to find out what his friends are Doing or come up with an idea where people he's friends with come out because you don't have anyone to text and get together with? That's a lot to put on your partner.

 

A BF should be someone you view as a friend as well but they shouldn't be your lifeline to socializing. Just try and imagine if you had a group of 10 girl and guy friends that you've known since you were a teenager and hung out with on weekend events and texted just bull****ting about randomness throughout the week.... And then a guy you liked came around and started dating you. He just moved here and knows no one but you. If every time you wanted to see your friends, he would want or ask to come along, or would look sad if you went without him because he had nothing to do.... Eventually you would start to feel smothered and too relied on by him.

 

Not saying that you're like this at all by the way. But if you make it known that you don't have a social circle or any friends when you're out dating, some guys will see that as a red flag. If the topic comes up you can say that you had 2-3 best friends but 1 moved across the country after college and the other 2 got married and moved 5+ hours away so you don't get to see them much. Yea it's a lie, but it's better than just saying "I don't have any close friends, and here's why" then explaining why each friendship ended as you listed in your OP.

 

Just know it is possible to create a social circle for yourself now. But it's got to be at a rational pace. Say you met a girl at work that you get along with... Asking her to go shopping with you and you Both go and have a great time. If you started acting like she was your best friend immediately or visible that you don't have anything else going on, that might cause her to pull away.

 

It's actually very similar to dating now that I think about it. Casual, get to know the person, common interests, and let it flow naturally. Over availability is one of the most common reasons relationships fizzle or end. The feeling from one party that the other is too available and unable to entertain or enjoy their time apart or as an individual.

 

You can do it, just step out of your comfort zone. Ask people about themselves. It'll take a bit of added or manufactured effort on your part but if this is something you truly want to improve on then you can achieve it.

[Qboro90]

Just came across your last thread and was going to reply but for some reason it's closed.

 

You're getting a lot of advise and constructive criticism, so just because a lot of it isn't what you perceive or what you want to hear, doesn't make it bad advice.

 

Also you have to stop looking at other people, other relationships and using them as benchmarks for how you and this guy should be acting and behaving towards one another. 99 couples could do something 1 way and that does not make it right for your individual life and dating partners. Trying to figure out what he should be doing or where you two should be based off other people's lives serves no purpose and it's something you need to cease looking at so importantly.

 

This guy was CLEARLY interested in you. The texts and comments he made leading up to that Sunday are pretty blatant on his part expressing attraction and wanting to pursue more with you. I think when he came over you still wanted him to validate his interest in you or confirm it once again when you should've already felt confident that this guy went out of his way to spend time alone with you.

 

I don't see anything unfair towards how it went because you had a perfect opportunity and for whatever reason you've developed the mindset that a guy must make the first move because you are totally against it. Seems counterproductive doesn't it? You started your OP with a huge crush on this guy and spent so much time trying to get closer to him sand build something. Then finally when all your hard work and efforts pay off and you have him all to yourself, you treated it more like an awkward play date disguised as a "rock out" session when you could've just nuzzled up into him on the couch and glanced up at him in close proximity. If you had done that, he would've been kissing you guaranteed.

 

You could've also been direct in a playful way. "So where's my massage? You brag a lot , so let's see how skilled you really are"

 

The discussion you had as he was leaving was unnecessary as well. Expressing that you were aware it wasn't fun and could tell each of you was let down didn't help anything. It just outlines that you knew it could've been more fun but neither one of you did anything to facilitate that.

 

Acting like nothing happened at work the following day and pushing him to hang out again probably came across as a bit confusing to him. Here you are talking about wanting to cuddle and be close to him yet for whatever reason when you're actually with him alone it becomes awkward or perhaps forced. Only he knows that.

 

He can't be a cocky confident guy who's playing with you and a shy, unsure of himself guy at the same time. Everything points to him being just a regular guy. Over complicating things is something we've talked about before but you haven't tried to avoid that. Wanting to know more about his ex gf and why they broke up and Info about their relationship is a pretty strange thing to want to talk about with a guy you like so much. Why would you want to have him think and talk about another girl he had feelings for while you're trying to get him to have feelings for you? I avoid ex conversations like the plague when with someone I like. You should to. It has no effect or bearing on your chances with him.

[preraph]

Well, first, don't ever loan money to friends again. It never ends well.

 

The best advice I can give you is for you (alone or with friends) to just make it a point to get out of the house and actively pursue activities you like to do and try new ones seeking to find new interests. The best way to meet people to hang out and do fun things with is to -- hang out and do fun things. Good luck.