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Best Friend of 13 Years Suddenly Gone, No Closure


agitatedorange

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agitatedorange

Someone I care about deeply suddenly and unexpectedly started ignoring me a month ago. For the first few weeks, I alternated between losing my **** and wanting to text him (which would have the opposite effect), then being calm but angry enough that I almost didn't care, or being very OK and able to push it out of my mind until I took a nap, woke up and started all over again being hurt and feeling obsessed with trying to find out why and if it's permanent or temporary, and on and on my mind went, consuming me. I felt like I was trapped in a burning house, all that raw emotion.

 

He knows this drives me nuts, being ignored. He watched what it did to me when another friend ignored me shortly after my dad died (that friendship of 20 years survived, but on different terms - I can no longer expect that friend will there for me). We have a long history. We dated for 10 years, broke up a few years ago for a million good reasons and have been basically like family /very close friends since. There's been nothing romantic, at all, and no desire for anything like it for years. I'm newly married, and I also live halfway around the world. In June, when I went back to visit my dad before he died, this guy and I met for coffee, and I was excited for him having a new girlfriend, and he said she was cool with me and that he wouldn't be with anyone who didn't understand that after 13 years of friendship, we are basically family.

 

He'd been a little more distant since the new girlfriend, but he was there for me to talk when my father died a couple months ago. The day before he suddenly started ignoring me a month ago, it was clear from Facebook that he and the new girlfriend had broken up. I sent a message to ask if he's OK. No response. Nothing. He's always on Gmail/Gchat (for the past 6 years, we'd often say hi as he was logging in at work and I was getting to go to bed, just a quick casual thing a few times a week), but since this, he hasn't logged on at all. Zero. I learned from a mutual friend that they got back together within 24 hours, but, unrelated to the break up, the new girlfriend is intimidated by our past relationship. I'm no threat, actually think she can understand his mental health issues better than I ever could, so it's a shame. I can only guess that she told him not to talk to me and that he complied? How ****ty, though, to not even say goodbye or something.

 

I think the hardest part is that there is no closure, and I can only guess about what would cause an otherwise loyal friend of 13 years who I at least said "hey" to online a couple times a week in passing, to suddenly, literally overnight, check out of my life.

 

I'm doing better, overall, and time is doing its thing, and it really is a special kind of grieving process, but I'm realizing that what helps most is reading about others who have been though this. I've lost my parents and others I've loved to death, but this is the first time I've lost someone in such a huge and harsh and deliberate way.

 

If you've read to here, thank you.

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I don't think I'd consider him in friend territory, just bc he's an ex and that always has more pull than the friend part. Friends don't usually have the drama that lovers do, so I suspect he has some issues that stem from the ex part ultimately.

 

Sorry this is happening, but he doesn't sound like much of a friend honestly. Real friends don't 'get' their friends. Ever.

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I doubt if he is trying to ignore you or that she is influencing his lack of contact. I think he is just caught up in his new girlfriend and what is going on in their relationship. I've had this happen to me with friends when they are in a new relationship and they stop contact for a while. It really doesn't bother me because I do the same to cultivate my relationships. I don't think it's anything you should stress about.

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agitatedorange

He's definitely ignoring me - logged off of any way we used to communicate, zero response. I'm slowly trying to accept that my best friend of so many years is suddenly gone. Anyone else ever have a friend literally stop talking to them overnight?

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It sounds like you're having trouble with accepting the fact that if he really is gone, why didn't he tell you anything about it. Why didn't he explain why. And sometimes (or probably most of the time), we never get the why.

 

We fool ourselves into thinking that one conversation is going to explain it all and bring the closure we so desperately seek, but this is never the case. Closure comes from within yourself, when you finally accept it.

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Maybe you did something to hurt him. When my friends so something to hurt me (or don't do something and hurt me) I close the door, break the contact and do not have the need to explain myself to anyone.

 

Maybe his gf and him had an issue because of his contact with you and she made an ultimatum. This is perhaps the most plausible. Did you two have too intimate and close contact for comfort? Did you take a lot of his time? Was he confiding in you about his relationship? If so, well, she kind of would be within his rights to ask him to stop contact with you. It is his decision in that case and you should respect it.

 

Maybe they had trouble in their relationship (apparently they did since they broke up) and he just closed off for a while

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Maybe you did something to hurt him. When my friends so something to hurt me (or don't do something and hurt me) I close the door, break the contact and do not have the need to explain myself to anyone.

 

Maybe his gf and him had an issue because of his contact with you and she made an ultimatum. This is perhaps the most plausible. Did you two have too intimate and close contact for comfort? Did you take a lot of his time? Was he confiding in you about his relationship? If so, well, she kind of would be within his rights to ask him to stop contact with you. It is his decision in that case and you should respect it.

 

Maybe they had trouble in their relationship (apparently they did since they broke up) and he just closed off for a while

 

Oh, puhleeze. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Lots of maybes. One could speculate forever and get nowhere.OP, it’s not YOUR responsibility to try to figure this person out and come up with excuses for the behavior. Quite the contrary. If this “friend” was angry and upset and IF he cared at all about the relationship he could and should have told you and the two of you could have worked things out. I fully understand that you’re confused and hurt, but sadly this is no longer a friend. You’ll have to put it behind you and move on.

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He's definitely ignoring me - logged off of any way we used to communicate, zero response. I'm slowly trying to accept that my best friend of so many years is suddenly gone. Anyone else ever have a friend literally stop talking to them overnight?

 

I had this happen. Irinocally it was also after 13 years and was a friend of the opposite sex. A best friend like.

We spoke daily so it was like a death for me.

But since he is a guy dont expect him to know how you feel as they deal less in emotion.

Tell him your hurt and upset, tell him how it affects you and what the friendship means.

Its complicated as your newly married, he restoring a relationship, you can expect he will be more distant as your former relationship becomes more unrecognizable he might subconsciously be moving on from THAT unable to see how to form a new bond.

Tell him, then back away.

Our friendship was restored but it took 6 momths and has never been the same. I never trusted or got the same bond back it did alot of damage to the security of the friendship.

I moved away, we both are married, hes had children.

Life changes and its no good holding on. It might be time to let go but at least tell him your feelings so you get it out.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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agitatedorange

Thank you all. I really appreciate your responses.

 

Oddly enough, his girlfriend contacted me last week, saying he'd been in a bad spot (he has some mental health issues) and that she knew he and I had become distant and that she thought it might help him to talk to me. I replied explaining that he'd cut me out of his life, zero response to messages, etc. She said he'd been talking about reaching out to me but that it was awkward with so much time having passed (she definitely did NOT ask him not to speak to me, is besties with one of her ex-boyfriends, doesn't want him to lose someone important in his life, etc.). I understood, knowing him. I said I'd send one more message. I just sent a "Hi. How are you doing?" to his phone. Nothing. Zero.

 

I messaged the girlfriend last night, 10 days after the above, just wondering. She said he definitely got my message, had mentioned a few times about responding, so she assumed he had. Maybe he's still just awkward because of the situation he's created. My guess, and I didn't know this was a thing until recently, is that he "ghosted" me. For whatever reason, he wants out and doesn't have the emotional maturity/decency/something to handle it appropriately by just saying so honestly, so he's taking the cowardly way out.

 

The girlfriend (who I actually like, as she and I have texted) asked if I wanted her to tell him anything, and I said that I if I just knew what was going on, whether he needs space or wants me out of his life, that it would hurt less than not knowing. She said she'll let me know if she gets any answers out of him. At this point, honestly, I'm OK with letting the friendship go, but it's the sudden ghosting, basically, and lack of any type of closure, not knowing what happened, that has been the most painful.

 

I'll be OK. I mostly am already. This is maybe my one last attempt at some answers/resolution/whatever. If it's done, I'm ready to be done.

 

Privategal, thank you for sharing your experience. It really helps knowing I'm not alone.

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  • 3 weeks later...
He's definitely ignoring me - logged off of any way we used to communicate, zero response. I'm slowly trying to accept that my best friend of so many years is suddenly gone. Anyone else ever have a friend literally stop talking to them overnight?

 

Yeah i've had a cousin I practically grew up with do that to me. Literally randomly deleted me off facebook and wouldn't respond to any of my texts. I was really sad and trying to figure out why, was really depressed over it and didn't quite get over it until I went off to college (about a year). Then like 5 years later she randomly messaged me asking to be friends again explaining why she cut me off the first time and it had nothing to do with me. Apparently she was suffering from depression and she thought my life was perfect (and I thought hers was lol) and it was making it even worse. I didn't really want to get close to her again after what she did but I thanked her for finally giving me some closure and told her I have no idea why she thought that I always thought hers was perfect. So yeah sometimes when people drop out of your life with no explanation its because you were a good friend and they cant talk to you for a reason that would make them look like a dick if they told you so they just cut it off.

Edited by La Trese
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agitatedorange
Yeah i've had a cousin I practically grew up with do that to me. Literally randomly deleted me off facebook and wouldn't respond to any of my texts. I was really sad and trying to figure out why, was really depressed over it and didn't quite get over it until I went off to college (about a year). Then like 5 years later she randomly messaged me asking to be friends again explaining why she cut me off the first time and it had nothing to do with me. Apparently she was suffering from depression and she thought my life was perfect (and I thought hers was lol) and it was making it even worse. I didn't really want to get close to her again after what she did but I thanked her for finally giving me some closure and told her I have no idea why she thought that I always thought hers was perfect. So yeah sometimes when people drop out of your life with no explanation its because you were a good friend and they cant talk to you for a reason that would make them look like a dick if they told you so they just cut it off.

 

Thank you. I really appreciate hearing your experience because there is a decent chance that it is something like this. I'm sorry you also had to go through something like this. It hurts! I'm also doing much better, but if there is some closure at some point, I'd be interested to at least know what happened.

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