Friends have left the building

[aussiegirl46]

Hmm, what is it with friends? I have some close female friendships that are very old. They have mainly been there for me but I have felt over the past five years or so that the friendships have grown stale. I have tried to put effort in but they seem blasé and only catch up when it suits them. I have had issues with my husband wanting to leave lately, and after I have told them they are showing no support at all. OK so one of them I had a bit of a fall out with because she is not coming to my 50th even though I sent out a save the date because she is going on holidays but didn't even remember to let me know. The other got annoyed because I had invited her and her DH over but cancelled because I was so upset over my DH telling me he wanted to leave. The other is very judgmental and thinks everything is my fault and doesn't mind telling me. These are old friendships and these ladies were my bridesmaids. Some of this must be me, I wish I could see me from their point of view. All I know is my DH of 13 years leaving me with two young children is my lowest point. And where are they? Nowhere. Just venting. Feel free to offer advice, like new friends? I am in counselling too as from next week.

[La.Primavera]

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. People talk about the effort that goes into making a relationship work, the same could be said for friendships as well. It has to be 50/50. I think as long as you treat your friends as you would like to be treated then you are doing your best. If they choose not reciprocate then the friendship is ultimately doomed.

 

Right now you need the most supportive uplifting people around you. If they don't fit that description then it would be better to find others that do.

 

Hang in there.

[simpleguycomplicated]

Hi Aussiegirl,

 

I'm sorry to hear that all of this is happening, it always seems that when one area of your life isn't looking so great that the other areas follow suit. I am having similar issues at the moment with some of my closest friends, whom I've had for over a decade. I also like you questioned what part I have played in the breakdowns of friendships, but I think that is healthy and you should be proud of yourself for being so self-aware.

 

I did a lot of reading on the topic of losing once strong friendships, and I found that helped me a lot to understand why these things were happening. It is logical that people will outgrow each other in different stages in their lives as their circumstances, interests and needs change, but I think on top of that you are going through a bad time with your husband, which could also complicate things even further. Something that I found really useful from one article was asking yourself the question of if you had met these friends at the stages of life that you're both in now, would you have forged as strong a friendship as you initially did?

 

I think that good friendships are definitely worth fighting for, but if these people can't offer you the unconditional love and support through your tough times, then maybe they are contributing to the bad aspects of your life too. Sometimes you have to make those hard calls. I know there's a big age difference between you and I, but I found particularly now in my mid 20's that people I once considered to be like family to me are now strangers to me. I take my responsibility for some of those things also, but I have also met some new friends in recent years that have been a great influence in my life and added a happiness that I haven't experienced in some time.

 

I say don't be afraid to make new friends, and use this rough patch in your life as ammunition to better yourself and give the qualities you can offer in a friendship to people who will appreciate them and build you up as a person also.

 

Good luck, and hang in there.

 

Matty.

[Standard-Fare]

To (maybe) held shed light on your friends' perspectives, I'll say this:

 

Your own situation has changed, not theirs. You're in a specific situation where you require extra support from friends, more than you've needed before. So you're feeling a void when you don't get it.

 

But if your life was plugging along as usual, and you were doing fine, your expectations of them wouldn't be quite as keen, and you probably wouldn't even notice anything was "wrong."

 

I'm thinking of a period where a good friend of mine got lost in a relationship for 2-3 years and I hardly ever saw her. When that relationship imploded, all of a sudden she wanted to be a big part of my life again, and at one point called me out on "failing" her at a time when she was very lonely. I understood, but I also didn't think it was fair that I was expected to automatically adjust my life to suit her specific needs.

 

All you can do is be straight with your friends, and tell them you need a little extra love right now -- in the least needy or demanding way you can express that.