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Telling on a cheater. Is it the right thing to do?


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I have a friend that over the past 5 or 6 months has had an affair.

An otherwise really good guy, very charismatic, very generous and likable. His wife is a really cool girl as well. They have a kid and another one on the way and been together for over 6 years.

 

I don't want to ruin anyone's happiness but this is where my dilemma comes in. I respect and like this friend of mine and I don't want to cause him any trouble. On the other hand he is having a very obvious and public affair with a girl that I and pretty much everyone has met. He's not hiding it nor confirming it but everybody knows and refer to the girl as his girlfriend. (the wife doesn't know). Making the wife look like a fool, and making a lot of people feel uncomfortable as they know his wife and are not saying anything just because no one wants to be the bearer of bad news, including me.

 

In the past 2 months or so he admitted to me that he is sleeping with this girl and has feelings for her. Although I've always thought he had the perfect relationship with his long term girl (not married but long term girlfriend that he refers to as his wife) the things he told me about his relationship and state of mind made me feel very bad for his long term girlfriend and that's what made me morally struggle for over a month now if I should tell her or not.

 

He admitted that he doesn't love his "wife" that he just doesn't want to be alone when he gets older and thats why he stays with her, he has no love for her, even kissing her means nothing, and that he's not even afraid to lose her if that were ever to happen. He doesn't spend much time at home and when he does its just because he feels obliged to do so, but then his out partying/working all night every day. He shared that he wishes he were single for at least another 5 years before going in for it. He also shared that she's admitted to not loving him either as she has stated in the past very casually that she was a certain age when she met him and just needed someone to have kids with. He started resenting her for that after that confession.

 

She believes he is loyal, and he's lied to her in the past about other affairs, making her think she is crazy for doubting him (although he really was having long term affairs and casual hooks ups) and she believed him. His arrogance in telling me how he can fool her and other women in the present and past really got on my nerve. He was quite proud of himself.

 

I wouldn't rat him out to just get him busted but I know his "wife" and really feel bad for her more than anything else. I feel I should just stay out of it but if I were in her shoes I would want to know so I can make my own choices.

 

He's had affairs before pretty much throughout their whole relationship. As far as I know she's always been faithful and dedicated to her kid and role as a mother. (stay at home mom)

 

If you were her, would you want to know? I know it's usually a split vote on that one and I spent a lot of time on forums trying to find an answer but I feel so bad seeing this play out and I feel like karma or whatever come in the form of people speaking up and standing up for their friends not some divine intervention...but lets see what you think.

 

Would you like to know if you were in her shoes?

Edited by Limbo30
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My exH had an affair at the end of our marriage. I didn't know. I found out when he admitted to it during a deposition. My attorney just asked as a matter of routine and he fessed up and to my surprise it was with a soccer mom from up the street and many people in town knew about it. YES. I would have liked to have known. I would have filed sooner.

 

With that in mind, I am one of the OW's who told the MM's W. Lots of people here told me I was a witch and completely selfish. You'll get both sides of the argument here. I just don't get the whole "ignorance is bliss" concept.

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Yes. I most certainly would want to know. Who do you know that wants to be deceived and lied to and made a fool?

 

Then there is that STD thing. . . She has a right to protect herself.

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Thank you @Goodbye. For myself I am with you, I would rather know as well.

 

Is a happy lie better than the sad reality though. I think the worst part is that she has no choice in the matter. She doesn't know what is going on and she can not act on any issues they might have or on what might happen to their marriage down the road if nothing changes on his side. What if he leaves her for one of these girls one day...

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Tell her. Do it anonymously if needed and give enough fact that he can't deny, but enough not to identify you as the source.

 

Nobody wants to be made a fool of.

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@Ruffian1 you're right. But then again being forced to act on something you never knew existed and shatter your whole happy world (I assume it is happy) is something to think twice about before outing the cheater. It's why I find it hard. Don't wanna shatter lives...sigh...then again the cheating itself is the life shattering part no?

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I wouldn't rat him out to just get him busted but I know his "wife" and really feel bad for her more than anything else. I feel I should just stay out of it but if I were in her shoes I would want to know so I can make my own choices.

 

Don''t be a fool. Keep your distance and mind your own business. What you would want isn't relevant to any of it. If half the town knows do you really think his baby mama doesn't know? It's total egoism to see yourself as the fulcrum upon which everyone else's existence teeters.

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Sandylee1 agreed but I wonder if she'll believe it. I have no proof except the confirmation from him and our entire social circle knowing about the affair.

I like the anonymous idea though.

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salparadise I appreciate your opinion. I'm trying to figure this out. And if I were in the same situation I would want to know that I have a friend that respects and cares about me enough to at least feel guilt over not telling or find the guts to do something about it. I'm trying to figure out what the right thing is here. It's a process... definitely not easy...have you been in this situation before? Just curious.

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PrettyEmily77

Not been in the betrayer/betrayed's shoes but did tell a very good friend of mine her H was cheating on her. Like your friend, it was pretty much in broad daylight and my friend was the only one in our circle of friends not to know. Brought us a lot closer as friends ass she now knows she can count on me for anything. It also gave her a chance to find a better guy, ie. one who truly cares for her and wouldn't cheat on her. I didn't really overthink it b/c she was a very dear friend and I felt she had the right to know and she'd never have done that to him. In my case it was more a case of looking out for my friend than a moral issue but TBH this guy is putting you in a difficult position - sthg a true friend would never do, IMO, unless his wife already knows.

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yes, i'd like to know.

 

it is really up to you to decide on telling her or not --

 

two ways you can do this. if you're close with her & consider her a friend - approach her and start a conversation about infidelity in general. subtly try to find out what she thinks about cheating & based on THAT... you decide does she wants to know or not. OR you can just straight up sit down with her and tell her what you know even before having the "infidelity discussion" with her.

 

second way is to tell someone closer to her than you are - her best friend, a sibling... someone who loves her and who will know better than you what and how she thinks & eventually choose to either tell her or not.

 

the part where he tells you that she doesn't love him & that she, too, only married him for the age... well, that can be true & it can also be just a BS story in order to justify his own cheating. (it probably is a BS story because if she didn't love him, she wouldn't even bother thinking about him possibly cheating = she wouldn't even be suspicious).

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minimariah, thank you for your input. I am a bit worried about him getting violent on me if I reveal the truth to her to be honest.

Also she is suspicious. That is also one reason why I struggle with telling her or not. She's trying to figure it out but no one is on her side on this one...no one steps up (me included) makes me feel like such a **** friend.

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PrettyEmily77 thanks for the input. I'd do the same for a close friend. Thing is he confided in me. And I am friends with her but not as close as some other people. Just feel like this girl is being fooled and used and no one is there to be on her side and step up for her.

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PrettyEmily77
PrettyEmily77 thanks for the input. I'd do the same for a close friend. Thing is he confided in me. And I am friends with her but not as close as some other people. Just feel like this girl is being fooled and used and no one is there to be on her side and step up for her.

 

I get your dilemma but he's using you as his priest, not as a friend. Could you not convince him to come clean to his wife himself? You're already involved anyway unfortunately, whether you like it or not. It's up to you to decide what to do with what you know. Good luck either way.

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STD Facts - STDs & Pregnancy - I think she should be told, as she is pregnant.

 

She is already suspicious, so confirming it will not be as big a shock for her as telling someone who suspects nothing.

 

I am with minimariah.

What he says about her not loving him, is simply pure justification for his cheating on her.

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minimariah, thank you for your input. I am a bit worried about him getting violent on me if I reveal the truth to her to be honest.

Also she is suspicious. That is also one reason why I struggle with telling her or not. She's trying to figure it out but no one is on her side on this one...no one steps up (me included) makes me feel like such a **** friend.

 

if she is trying to figure out and is suspicious - then yeah, she wants to know.

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Stay out of it, it's not your business. If you need to, stop being friends with this person so you don't have to hear it anymore, or politely ask them to stop discussing their A and/or their marital problems with you. Your friendship should not be burdened with this. Let them work their own life problems out, I'm sure you have your own to deal with.

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Its really easy to "not make it my business". I wish in the same situation that someone would have my back and tell me. It's just information at the end of the day. I am not telling anyone what to do with it (which would be not minding my own business).

Also I think that if a person doesn't want to get caught would not confide to such detail in another person and would not be so open and public about an affair.

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Since this thread concerns a dilemma regarding telling on a friend who's apparently cheating, and doesn't involve the thread starter themselves being in an affair, we moved this thread to our Friendship forum and discussion may continue here. Thanks!

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Oh, I see that you are in a friendship triangle between the husband and wife. They each think that you are their friend. It's always bad to be both the wife and the husbands friend because of stuff like this. Something is bound to happen to or between the couple and they both will expect you to take their side, not the others, whether it's divorce, cheating, a fight, etc. etc. I had to learn this the hard way over the years, and that's why from the beginning, I pick the husband or the wife to be friends with (usually the wife), and politely avoid getting close to or personal with the other one. It's funny how when you do this, the other spouse will try as hard as they can to also be your trusted friend, but it really is a compromising position to be in as a friend, so no.

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Stay out of it, it's not your business. If you need to, stop being friends with this person so you don't have to hear it anymore, or politely ask them to stop discussing their A and/or their marital problems with you. Your friendship should not be burdened with this. Let them work their own life problems out, I'm sure you have your own to deal with.

 

But he is bringing the gf in to the social circle and parading her publicly, that is why it is becoming increasingly awkward here for all concerned.

If it was a dark secret shared between best friends then I would say, just keep it under your hat, but the open secret that it is, doesn't sit well with me. The wife needs to know and soon.

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@Popsicle it's been almost 5 months that I know about this affair and really struggled for half that time of how to handle it. Not taking sides. Staying away. But because of a mutual social circle I run into all parties (MM,MW,OW) every other day. It's just intensified lately as I'm being confided in and also the arrogant way that the MM brags about it really doesn't sit well with me. Mistakes or love or mental issues I can take but when someone is arrogant about the way he is hurting everyone involved is what really got me going. It's hard to have sympathy in that kind of situation.

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Keep in mind that if you reveal, the wife could always make you out to be the enemy/bad guy, just because she loves her H and wants to believe him and stay with him after he does he little backpeddling dance to save his marriage.

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