friend dislikes me because i'm not aging badly?

[newmoon]

women.. and i guess men too... have your close friendships ever gone adrift because one person changes substantially looks-wise? i have a friend i've known for 10+ years. she has completely deteriorated in the looks department as we've aged together - her body, hair, face, etc. - she's like a shell of her former self, and her skin has even gone whack somehow, developing pimples and acne after age 35. our friendship seems to be quite strained by how her physical appearance has altered and mine hasn't. she constantly mentions things in one way or another, about how i must spend too much time on myself, how my hair is too light/dark, etc and so on. she even went and got some corrective surgeries for herself because she doesn't want to age badly. i can see that her age is becoming a real issue for her, but she's also making it an issue between us - because she sees i am not aging badly. she makes snide comments now and we spend much less time together. we're both 39 and met when we were 28.

[whichwayisup]

women.. and i guess men too... have your close friendships ever gone adrift because one person changes substantially looks-wise? i have a friend i've known for 10+ years. she has completely deteriorated in the looks department as we've aged together - her body, hair, face, etc. - she's like a shell of her former self, and her skin has even gone whack somehow, developing pimples and acne after age 35. our friendship seems to be quite strained by how her physical appearance has altered and mine hasn't. she constantly mentions things in one way or another, about how i must spend too much time on myself, how my hair is too light/dark, etc and so on. she even went and got some corrective surgeries for herself because she doesn't want to age badly. i can see that her age is becoming a real issue for her, but she's also making it an issue between us - because she sees i am not aging badly. she makes snide comments now and we spend much less time together. we're both 39 and met when we were 28.

 

Maybe it's heredity or maybe she's not eating well and isn't taking care of herself or maybe she has a health issue. Either way, she shouldn't be jealous that you're not aging as quickly as she is and her making pot shots at you over it is immature and really it's HER issue.

 

Do you want the friendship to continue or is it best to let it fade away?

[StalwartMind]

Unfortunate that physical appearance is coming between you like this, even more so that it turns into negative comments. I think at most I'd mention you are an immortal, like Keanu Reeves, does that guy even age? I just can't see myself being jealous or spiteful if someone aged or looked better than myself.

 

I guess it's not surprising something like that can come between people, anything seems to split people these days, it does feel like a shame though since you are both adults. Maturity and a sensible mind isn't guaranteed with age however, but if you haven't I'd consider talking to her about it, maybe you already have. It just seems like something something so trivial shouldn't come between two people who have known each other for long, but sometimes one part just changes too much and it's outside your control to reel them back in.

[elaine567]

women.. and i guess men too... have your close friendships ever gone adrift because one person changes substantially looks-wise? i have a friend i've known for 10+ years. she has completely deteriorated in the looks department as we've aged together - her body, hair, face, etc. - she's like a shell of her former self, and her skin has even gone whack somehow, developing pimples and acne after age 35. our friendship seems to be quite strained by how her physical appearance has altered and mine hasn't. she constantly mentions things in one way or another, about how i must spend too much time on myself, how my hair is too light/dark, etc and so on. she even went and got some corrective surgeries for herself because she doesn't want to age badly. i can see that her age is becoming a real issue for her, but she's also making it an issue between us - because she sees i am not aging badly. she makes snide comments now and we spend much less time together. we're both 39 and met when we were 28.

 

She is obviously very unhappy, I guess her looks issue, is the result of a deeper turmoil.

As her friend perhaps you need to look past the snidey comments directed at you, and find out what is really eating at her.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes, I agree with elaine567 - there's something deeper, some more profound resentment eating at her, and I suspect she's jealous that for whatever reason, that she cannot or will not implement the same remedies you have.

 

And I further suspect that she thinks even if she did, it's too late now.

 

The difference in your appearances obviously bugs her.

Maybe you need to coax her to go swimming with you, or for a beauty treatment.

But frankly, the last thing I would do, is to put up with her snide, underhand remarks and basically reply with "What the hell is it with you, always on my back like this?? Maybe if you made more of an effort, you wouldn't look the way you do."

 

This will either make or break it.

And I sadly suspect the latter, because to be blunt, losers don't like to have the fact they're 'losers' pointed out to them.

 

I really don't mean to boast, but my colleagues notice and admire my efforts. One even asked if I had had botox. Before I could reply, the colleague with us replied

"You must be joking! "TM" wouldn't touch that rubbish with a bargepole! Haven't you seen the lunches she brings to work? They're so healthy they make me sick! And the water she drinks....!"

 

All in good humour and in good-natured banter. A couple have even asked me about dietary advice (I would emphasise I am absolutely, definitely NO EXPERT and I just passed on what I do for myself....) and my beauty 'regime'...

 

It's all friendly and amiable. Nobody has been snide, jealous or critical.

 

So I think your friend is being extremely unreasonable, highly sensitive and resentfully jealous. (is there any other kind...?!)

 

And I think, if you want to push this forward, you need to bring it out into the open.

[preraph]

I hope before she went and got surgery she had a thorough physical to see what's up with her in case something is really wrong.

 

No one needs to sit around and take insults. Even if you feel sorry for her, you, as a close friend, need to be the one to tell her when she's out of line and acting ugly before she jeopardizes all of her relationships.

[anika99]

Yes, I agree with elaine567 - there's something deeper, some more profound resentment eating at her, and I suspect she's jealous that for whatever reason, that she cannot or will not implement the same remedies you have.

 

And I further suspect that she thinks even if she did, it's too late now.

 

The difference in your appearances obviously bugs her.

Maybe you need to coax her to go swimming with you, or for a beauty treatment.

But frankly, the last thing I would do, is to put up with her snide, underhand remarks and basically reply with "What the hell is it with you, always on my back like this?? Maybe if you made more of an effort, you wouldn't look the way you do."

 

 

while it may momentarily feel satisfying to say something hurtful like that to her friend I don't believe its the mature or caring way to handle the situation. Also I don't see anywhere where the OP said her friend wasn't making the effort.

 

This will either make or break it.

And I sadly suspect the latter, because to be blunt, losers don't like to have the fact they're 'losers' pointed out to them.

 

 

how is the friend a "loser"? Because she is aging quickly she is a loser?

 

I really don't mean to boast, but my colleagues notice and admire my efforts. One even asked if I had had botox. Before I could reply, the colleague with us replied

"You must be joking! "TM" wouldn't touch that rubbish with a bargepole! Haven't you seen the lunches she brings to work? They're so healthy they make me sick! And the water she drinks....!"

 

All in good humour and in good-natured banter. A couple have even asked me about dietary advice (I would emphasise I am absolutely, definitely NO EXPERT and I just passed on what I do for myself....) and my beauty 'regime'...

 

 

It's great to look great. At 40yrs old I was at my peak being good looking and having a smoking body. However I think aging has a lot to do with genetics, as I actually didn't do anything special to maintain my looks. I didn't watch my diet, I didn't avoid junk food and I only moderately exercised, oh and I smoked too, yet I still looked fantastic. I was just blessed with good genetics and a high metabolism. I would never judge someone else for not having those blessings. Certainly I wouldn't call them losers or judge them.

 

It's all friendly and amiable. Nobody has been snide, jealous or critical.

 

So I think your friend is being extremely unreasonable, highly sensitive and resentfully jealous. (is there any other kind...?!)

 

And I think, if you want to push this forward, you need to bring it out into the open.

 

 

Is your friend going through an early menopause or something. 39 is actually quite young and I wouldn't expect anyone of that age to be aging rapidly unless there is something physically wrong with them. Has she had a full check up done with a doctor? Had her hormone levels checked? and her thyroid?

 

 

She is obviously very depressed over her fading beauty. If it's something hormonal or genetic that can't be reversed then perhaps she needs a therapist to help her through it. Can you talk to her openly about it? If she isn't willing to discuss the situation with you then perhaps it's time to back away for a bit. She will eventually make peace with her situation and then maybe she will be able to be the friend she used to be. Give her space and let her reach out to you when she is ready.

[Tayla]

beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Superficial beauty need not apply.

Met some folks who emulate beauty and they are by no means gq or cosmo status. i find natural beauty to fall gently ...

 

Be your friends eyes and show support. As we age gracefully , keep in mind that bowing to the plights can humble you... i would suggest that your friend is uniquely appealing and deserves some eyes to rejuvinate her self esteem.

walking in someone elses shadow .. not healthy.

 

I can imagine it wears on you as her friend... can you address it in a manner that encourages her to accentuate her endearing qualities? We all have em:)

[O'Malley]

Is she smoking, drinking heavily or using drugs? Genetics does play a larger role in aging, but the only people I've observed aging that quickly in their late thirties either had health conditions or was an effect of one of the above.

 

I think you can open a dialogue about what's going on without letting it escalate, at least on your end. "I've noticed that you're making some critical comments about me. I'm not comfortable about what you've said, but you seem stressed and unhappy, and I'm worried about you. What's going on?" Hopefully she will open up about what's happening in her life, but if she continues to criticize, I'd step back from the friendship.

[RoseVille]

I have a friend who's 38 who could easily pass for 50+ in the face. I blame her lifestyle and toxic relationship stress.

[TaraMaiden2]

I have a friend who's 38 who could easily pass for 50+ in the face. I blame her lifestyle and toxic relationship stress.

 

I agree it's certainly a factor.

Some months ago, I really didn't look my best, but an ongoing court case, lack of employment and being homeless took their toll.

 

Things have much improved, and frankly, it shows.

I've lost 12lbs in 4 weeks, and I feel - and look - a whole lot better. Human, almost!!

[newmoon]

Is your friend going through an early menopause or something. 39 is actually quite young and I wouldn't expect anyone of that age to be aging rapidly unless there is something physically wrong with them. Has she had a full check up done with a doctor? Had her hormone levels checked? and her thyroid?

 

 

She is obviously very depressed over her fading beauty. If it's something hormonal or genetic that can't be reversed then perhaps she needs a therapist to help her through it. Can you talk to her openly about it? If she isn't willing to discuss the situation with you then perhaps it's time to back away for a bit. She will eventually make peace with her situation and then maybe she will be able to be the friend she used to be. Give her space and let her reach out to you when she is ready.

 

thanks for all the responses. i believe this comes the closest. she has suffered major depression in the past and took medications, so it could be linked to that - again. and yes, she does have a thyroid problem which causes her to lose lots of weight and appear like a walking skeleton. i have mentioned that she not concentrate on my looks, and sometimes i just jokingly tell her to quit obsessing on me, or things like that. i did reach out this week and didn't hear back, so... perhaps i will just be around when the mood passes, but it's been ongoing for many months now

[elaine567]

I had another thought about this situation.

When two long term friends reach a fork in the road, then it can impact on their friendship.

Here the fork is due to appearance and attractiveness, one is ageing well and the other not so well. Sometimes it is money, or success, or family achievements, bigger houses, better cars, etc.

 

Sometimes the friend with the advantage, can maybe inadvertently, maybe deliberately, use that advantage.

They can sometimes obviously disrespect the other in the form of a so-called joke, or blatant one-upmanship.

Or it can be more subtle, "I'll drive", with the unsaid implication "I do not want to be seen in your rust bucket."

 

They can also use their perceived superiority to give "helpful" advise. The man who looks after my pool (remember I am rich and can afford a maintenance man), has a brother who could sort you out with new car for very little (I know you cannot afford much, but you will be no doubt very grateful for my help here) ...

 

I am wondering if your friend is getting a "superior" vibe off of you regarding your non-fading looks, and is thus feeling the need to defend herself, hence the snide remarks.

[newmoon]

I had another thought about this situation.

When two long term friends reach a fork in the road, then it can impact on their friendship.

Here the fork is due to appearance and attractiveness, one is ageing well and the other not so well. Sometimes it is money, or success, or family achievements, bigger houses, better cars, etc.

 

Sometimes the friend with the advantage, can maybe inadvertently, maybe deliberately, use that advantage.

They can sometimes obviously disrespect the other in the form of a so-called joke, or blatant one-upmanship.

Or it can be more subtle, "I'll drive", with the unsaid implication "I do not want to be seen in your rust bucket."

 

They can also use their perceived superiority to give "helpful" advise. The man who looks after my pool (remember I am rich and can afford a maintenance man), has a brother who could sort you out with new car for very little (I know you cannot afford much, but you will be no doubt very grateful for my help here) ...

 

I am wondering if your friend is getting a "superior" vibe off of you regarding your non-fading looks, and is thus feeling the need to defend herself, hence the snide remarks.

 

 

hi. no. i try never to discuss looks or weight with anyone because those are too sensitive, even for friends. there are medical things that could be causing changes or whatever. and i didn't have anything to do with her cosmetic surgeries, in fact i didn't even know until they were done. like a marriage that is fading, there are likely many other factors. she had a baby 3 years ago and i'm childless, so many of the things we did together (like travel the world) i still get to do and she doesn't. there has been some resentment because of that. it's changes in looks + lifestyle that is creating a downward spiral.

[applej4]

I'd say "Wow, you've made quite a few snide remarks to me. But aside from that you seem very unhappy. Maybe you should talk things out with a professional."Then I'd re-evaluate the "friendship". If she dislikes you she certainly is not a friend. Time to distance yourself - at least for awhile.