What do you do if you think somebody hates you?

[HansonGirl]

I have a coworker who we hang out with quite a bit - not because he wants to hang with me, but because we all hang out in a big group. one I heard him say something under his breath about me, and what he said wasn't bad at all, but the fact that he was saying something at all, like i could tell he really disliked me. it really hurt my feelings. i basically was saying i'd sit out on this one activity we were going to do - the reason being I thought i was very bad at it and i was very shy. i was new to the office too.

 

He said under his breath something about that how i got my wish or something like that. and i tried to be nice to him after that to make up for whatever problem he had with me. I didn't try so hard that it was so obvious that I was trying to get him to like me but our conversations are so tense and like neither of us knows what to say to the other. he sometimes talks to me with this distain or its slightly contemptuous and like the both of us are just being polite to each other because we have to and if it wasn't for the fact we work together he'd probably never speak to me. He will only say hi to me, if he happens to already be in our work area because he's talking to somebody else. and he won't ever come over to say hello to me whereas i have made a point to say hi to him.

 

I frankly do not understand the tension but if this is a lost cause, I don't want to force a friendship. but if there is some way to improve this or UNDERSTAND why he hates me, i would be open to that. maybe it's just his personality or something and i am misreading things. I just really don't like when people say stuff under their breath like that. what is up with that?

 

 

Aside: And i have to say it brings up memories from my childhood. I recall specific people who just hated me from the start. I distinctly remember attending this summer class, and this one girl would always be nasty to me when i attempted to talk to her and would just be unnecessarily rude. for example, it was when the budweiser frog commercial was very popular. i mentioned something about it, and she basically ridiculed me for referencing a beer commercial, like it was below her. another time - might have been the same girl - we went to a department store, and another girl was getting her makeup done at the counter, and i had never seen that done before , and i said, oh that's cool, that she gets to have her make up done, and i said maybe i'll get mine done too! and the girl had a problem with that too, and said, no, you don't get a make over for FREE. we were maybe 12 years old, so sorry!

 

Another time it was my best friend's grandfather who decided he hated me from the start. He just HATED me. he called me stupid, and said I must be mentally retarded (i am not even kidding) because he didn't like how i did something, or answered his question or something. i don't remember EVERYTHING that was said, but I remember that one. the funny thing is, i was in gifted classes. I was confident enough in my intellect even at that age- i knew i wasn't retarded in other words to not believe what he said, but it still puzzled me as to why this man hated my guts for no reason. To this day I don't understand it. I was just a child in grade school, and I was best friends with his grand daughter.

 

TL, DR: this is not the first instance someone apparently has hated me right away without getting to know me, and I never understood it. it hurts.

Edited July 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs.

[StalwartMind]

If someone just outright hates you, without knowing you or for that matter having even remotely made an effort to get to know you or understand you, then that person more than likely isn't someone you should be around. This is an extremely common behavior in many aspects of our lives today, negative people with bias or judgement based on nothing, are the source to misery.

 

If you find someone talking under their breath, that actually seems like a coward move, as in they can't commit fully to what they want to say, but they still want you to notice their discontent. Not exactly the quality of someone who is composed and ready to face all consequences. Many people do love the ability to lash out on others, but they don't want the favor returned.

 

While I'd be more forgiving towards children saying or doing stupid things, the episode with the girls did remind me of girls in my school too, it's just silly, and I really don't care much for rude attitudes period. There is a big difference between telling someone something with brutal honesty compared to just being an outright a-hole.

 

Seems like your time is best spent on other people, that is naturally just my view, but really, why even waste much effort or time even thinking about others who have it out for you anyway, reason or no reason, you can find much better company, even if it might make work related situations more challenging. Humans certainly have mastered fast how to treat each other poorly, and overall finding kindness is a struggle. Probably says a lot about us as a species.

[HansonGirl]

If someone just outright hates you, without knowing you or for that matter having even remotely made an effort to get to know you or understand you, then that person more than likely isn't someone you should be around. This is an extremely common behavior in many aspects of our lives today, negative people with bias or judgement based on nothing, are the source to misery.

 

If you find someone talking under their breath, that actually seems like a coward move, as in they can't commit fully to what they want to say, but they still want you to notice their discontent. Not exactly the quality of someone who is composed and ready to face all consequences. Many people do love the ability to lash out on others, but they don't want the favor returned.

 

While I'd be more forgiving towards children saying or doing stupid things, the episode with the girls did remind me of girls in my school too, it's just silly, and I really don't care much for rude attitudes period. There is a big difference between telling someone something with brutal honesty compared to just being an outright a-hole.

 

Seems like your time is best spent on other people, that is naturally just my view, but really, why even waste much effort or time even thinking about others who have it out for you anyway, reason or no reason, you can find much better company, even if it might make work related situations more challenging. Humans certainly have mastered fast how to treat each other poorly, and overall finding kindness is a struggle. Probably says a lot about us as a species.

 

Thanks... I guess i should just chalk up the adolescent girls as not anything noteworthy...girls will be girls. And i am happy to say i haven't noticed any of that (unless i have become so good at blocking out things) in my older years.

But what about that grandfather? YIKES!! I also had a math teacher who really hated me for no apparent reason. I was pretty much the top student in the class too. I just was very shy. She just really disliked me. she was pregnant at the time. i got a really high grade in the class, but she hated me! I am lucky i guess she didn't try to take points away from me for some petty reason. she enjoyed saying nasty comments about me to other students however!

 

the problem with the guy saying things under his breath. I guess i just want to know why he hates me!

[preraph]

You have no reason to try to make him your friend. He's just a guy at work. You only need to be polite, but honestly your comment about how he won't come over and say hi just totally baffled me. Why would he come over unless he needed to for work reasons? Being polite and professional doesn't require trying to be chatty friends at work.

[nouedis]

Honestly, if someone hated me, I wouldn't care because it shouldn't phase me at all.

[StalwartMind]

I understand that it can be frustrating to not know why people dislike us, even worse if it's someone we care about, and they won't communicate. I personally can't speculate too much about why someone dislikes me, especially when it's based on persona bias or problem of said individual. You can attempt to have a reasonable discussion with them, but a lot of people will not change their mind anyway. I'm not saying it should be ignored or disregarded, but some people waste their entire life around people who perceives them in "incorrect or rude" ways, almost as if they need to know why it is like this, while there simply may not be any answer at all.

 

I should know since I have a friend who has made many poor choices in her years trying to understand the "wrong" people, who didn't care about her anyway. Some people are just manipulative, spiteful for reasons that are beyond our control, maybe from events of their childhood or they've been treated poorly too, so the cycle continues and continues.

 

I do think a lot of people don't really appreciate honesty/brutal honesty as it can come of as being harsh, and if someone is very sensitive, then it can feel really bad to hear a truthful opinion. I'm way too carefree to think too much about how other people perceive me. Anyone who spends awhile and makes an effort will find out that there is a lot more to me than what initially meets the eye.

 

In that sense, try not to think too much about people who just "has it out for you" based on nothing, it may not feel good, but your time is still better spend thinking about those who will actually appreciate you and make an effort to get to know you. Judging others before knowing them is practically the biggest mistake anyone can do, way to limit ones view of the world and others.

 

Women of all ages are different, but when it comes to finding mates, friends and so on I guess in a sense we are all competitors and it's the fewest of us that sincerely "care" about others having it good. We want to feel good ourselves first and foremost, because we even remotely care about others. At least that's my impression of many people, it may be entirely incorrect, but nothing has indicated that it is otherwise. That said I do really appreciate meeting those people who do have enough compassion and kindness to wish others well, it's those that I'd encourage anyone to hold on too as well.

 

I prefer being direct with anyone, skipping all the beating around the bush, and just get straight up answers, I may not always get, but at least it can lessen the time I potentially "waste" on someone who doesn't have any interest anyway, be it if I'm looking for a friend, partner, activity or business related events.

[HansonGirl]

You have no reason to try to make him your friend. He's just a guy at work. You only need to be polite, but honestly your comment about how he won't come over and say hi just totally baffled me. Why would he come over unless he needed to for work reasons? Being polite and professional doesn't require trying to be chatty friends at work.

 

because he will come and say hi to my coworker, so i just felt left out!

[HansonGirl]

I understand that it can be frustrating to not know why people dislike us, even worse if it's someone we care about, and they won't communicate. I personally can't speculate too much about why someone dislikes me, especially when it's based on persona bias or problem of said individual. You can attempt to have a reasonable discussion with them, but a lot of people will not change their mind anyway. I'm not saying it should be ignored or disregarded, but some people waste their entire life around people who perceives them in "incorrect or rude" ways, almost as if they need to know why it is like this, while there simply may not be any answer at all.

 

I should know since I have a friend who has made many poor choices in her years trying to understand the "wrong" people, who didn't care about her anyway. Some people are just manipulative, spiteful for reasons that are beyond our control, maybe from events of their childhood or they've been treated poorly too, so the cycle continues and continues.

 

I do think a lot of people don't really appreciate honesty/brutal honesty as it can come of as being harsh, and if someone is very sensitive, then it can feel really bad to hear a truthful opinion. I'm way too carefree to think too much about how other people perceive me. Anyone who spends awhile and makes an effort will find out that there is a lot more to me than what initially meets the eye.

 

In that sense, try not to think too much about people who just "has it out for you" based on nothing, it may not feel good, but your time is still better spend thinking about those who will actually appreciate you and make an effort to get to know you. Judging others before knowing them is practically the biggest mistake anyone can do, way to limit ones view of the world and others.

 

Women of all ages are different, but when it comes to finding mates, friends and so on I guess in a sense we are all competitors and it's the fewest of us that sincerely "care" about others having it good. We want to feel good ourselves first and foremost, because we even remotely care about others. At least that's my impression of many people, it may be entirely incorrect, but nothing has indicated that it is otherwise. That said I do really appreciate meeting those people who do have enough compassion and kindness to wish others well, it's those that I'd encourage anyone to hold on too as well.

 

I prefer being direct with anyone, skipping all the beating around the bush, and just get straight up answers, I may not always get, but at least it can lessen the time I potentially "waste" on someone who doesn't have any interest anyway, be it if I'm looking for a friend, partner, activity or business related events.

 

Thanks. I'm afraid I've been like your friend. I don't want to be like that and waste my life! time to shrug off the haters. As Taylor Swift would say "haters gonna hate hate hate.."

[whichwayisup]

I didn't try so hard that it was so obvious that I was trying to get him to like me

 

He doesn't like you, for whatever reason. Don't chase someone or try to make them like you! They are allowed to feel the way they do... I'm sure there are people you don't like or aren't fond of, right?

 

Instead of trying to gain his approval, focus on those who DO like you and are your friends.

 

Keep things non personal with him and business like when you have to see him.

[whichwayisup]

because he will come and say hi to my coworker, so i just felt left out!

 

Why do you want a guy to come say hi to you when he doesn't like you? This is an internal issue. Give it some thought, really write out your thoughts about this.

 

As you get older you'll really not care if someone likes you or not.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks... I guess i should just chalk up the adolescent girls as not anything noteworthy...girls will be girls. And i am happy to say i haven't noticed any of that (unless i have become so good at blocking out things) in my older years.

But what about that grandfather? YIKES!! I also had a math teacher who really hated me for no apparent reason. I was pretty much the top student in the class too. I just was very shy. She just really disliked me. she was pregnant at the time. i got a really high grade in the class, but she hated me! I am lucky i guess she didn't try to take points away from me for some petty reason. she enjoyed saying nasty comments about me to other students however!

 

the problem with the guy saying things under his breath. I guess i just want to know why he hates me!

 

Then call him out on it! He's being a passive jerk by muttering rude things under his breath about you. Tell him if he has a problem with you he can come talk to you about it and to stop saying things about you under his breath. Don't ask why he hates you as he won't answer that question. You didn't do anything to him to make him feel that way.

[Haydn]

People who hate you, usually cannot stop thinking about you.

 

They seethe.

 

My experience.

[SycamoreCircle]

I think this is an opportunity for you to begin adjusting your own thinking, moderating your own reaction to this type of behavior. It is out there. It is unfortunate. It is not easily addressed.

 

I do find the less we care about what other people think about us, the more easily we mesh with other people. Part of it is being secure in your own skin. Feeling confident in your own boundaries. Having the nerve if someone says something slighting to you to call them on it.

 

Bullies back down pretty easily.

[jen1447]

I think this is an opportunity for you to begin adjusting your own thinking, moderating your own reaction to this type of behavior. It is out there. It is unfortunate. It is not easily addressed.

 

I do find the less we care about what other people think about us, the more easily we mesh with other people. Part of it is being secure in your own skin. Feeling confident in your own boundaries. Having the nerve if someone says something slighting to you to call them on it.

 

Bullies back down pretty easily.

 

Additionally tho we all have to find our own way within the confines of our personalities. Forex it might work well for me to tell some of HG's examples to eff off, but I don't think that's her. So she needs to come to terms with all this is a way that suits her demeanor, which my guess would be to learn how to let it slide off her back and be bright eyed and bushy tailed regardless.

[preraph]

because he will come and say hi to my coworker, so i just felt left out!

 

You need to stop being that personal and unprofessional at work. Hell, no one at my office except possibly my boss wants to talk to me or likes me because they're young and I'm old. Who cares?

[darkmoon]

you can not make somebody like you

 

better to just let it go and be polite, behave ok so that he has no reason to pick on you, but know inside yourself that you are dealing with a banana, which is his problem not yours, he prolly will be like this with others, bide your time til then and you will all be in a better position to sort things out

Edited July 22, 2015 by darkmoon

[S_A]

People who hate you, usually cannot stop thinking about you.

 

They seethe.

 

My experience.

 

Dude you really know how to sneak in some lines of wisdom here and there, don't you. I'm going to steal that line.

[Acacia98]

TL, DR: this is not the first instance someone apparently has hated me right away without getting to know me, and I never understood it. it hurts.

 

First of all, let me let you in on a little "secret":

Everybody is hated by somebody. So there's nothing unusual about the fact that there are people in your life who dislike you. It doesn't automatically mean that there's something wrong with you. And if there's nothing you did to provoke the hate, then it's not your responsibility to "fix" the problem.

 

Secondly, people hate others for all sorts of reasons. A person's hate for you may have very little to do with your actions. For instance, someone may hate you because you're black/white/brown, tall/short, overweight/skinny, good-looking/ordinary looking. Maybe you make them feel insecure. Maybe they think you’re inferior to them. Maybe you remind them of someone they hate. Maybe they hate everybody.

 

Whatever the case, this person is not acting in a mature manner. Most people are able to act towards others in a reasonable and polite manner, whether or not they like them. The fact that he cannot do that suggests that he is the one with a problem: maybe he’s emotionally immature…

 

Long story short: If you haven’t done anything hateful towards this person and you don’t actually have to work with him, then live and let live. Allow him to hate you if he so chooses. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, you don’t have to do anything about it. Talk to the people who talk to you, and ignore the one who ignores you.

[loverboy69]

He may not hate you at all?

 

It's possible you thought he was muttering something under his breath about you but is there a chance you could be wrong?

 

You probably go to work everyday and without even realizing it you pass by people without ever saying hello or ever engaging them. (I know I do). Without even second guessing it you probably don't lose sleep over it or think about them much. But there might be that one person who mistakes your lack of conversation as a display of hatred to them because you ignore them but talk to "everyone else in the room." Maybe you talk to that certain someone because you are comfortable with that person while ignoring the person in the next cubicle who is dying for your attention?

 

Haha. Just trying to gain perspective here. I've been accused of hating (who I didn't hate) people because I sometimes come across as reserved or unapproachable. There have been people who were physically attracted to me who thought I "hated them," for the very same reason. Are you sure you are not romantically interested in this man... even a little?