The friend who makes it about her

[amkxoxo]

I have this friend named Lisa. She is a very nice person, but ever since she got with her boyfriend a few years ago, she is very her way or the high way.

 

I am a very considerate person. I talk to people and when a function comes along, I like everyone to be able to go and I try to cater to a many people as I can. Lisa used to be more like that, but her boyfriend, who most of us don't like, is very self centered. I think he rubs off on her.

 

She is very all about her life and her schedule and no ones else's. We have to fit into her schedule to see her. She does reach out and want to see us, our other friend Katie and I. The three of us hangout together, but it has t be when Lisa wants to. We are all 23. I work a regular 9-5 job Monday-Friday. Lisa works Tuesday-Saturday 3pm-11pm.

 

A good example is, a while ago, Lisa messaged Katie and I and wanted to see if we wanted to travel to this mall a distance away. (Lisa lives about 25 minutes north of Katie and I.) This mall was another 20 minutes north of Lisa. Lisa told us she was going at 11am on a Sunday. I told her I had something, but could probably go at 12 or 1pm. Katie was similar timing to me. Lisa immediately wrote us off and was like "Oh well I'm going at 11, so if you stop by maybe we can meet up."

 

What about compromise? She didn't care. It was her schedule. No one else's. Why would Katie and I drive all that way to see you briefly? We didn't of course.

 

Then Lisa will want to have all these parties. A christmas party or a memorial day party. But because of her work schedule she has them on Sunday nights. Sunday nights stink. I work at 8am the next morning and Katie goes to college still. She wants people to stay so late and drink alcohol. Its a Sunday. Sunday is my day to relax and hangout. I always go to her parties and they are fun, but its just a weird situation.

 

A few weeks ago I mentioned going out for happy hour more often. Lisa loved the idea. I then asked if she wanted to go on a following Monday. She didn't work and I could go after work. She agreed. A day or two before we started talking about times we could meet for happy hour. I don't get out of work until 4:30-5pm. I like to change my clothes and freshen up which takes maybe a half an hour. And then I have to consider driving time. Well Lisa sprung on me suddenly that she made plans with her boyfriend at 7pm so if we could meet early. I told her when I get out of work and that I wanted to change. She didn't care. She had to leave and that was it. To avoid being rushed, I cancelled going all together. It was ridiculous. Lisa does stuff like this all the time. Gives us a time limit so she can go off and do other things.

 

I had a party a few weeks ago at my place. It was a friday night. Lisa works. She said she may be getting out early and could come by. I really wanted her to be there. I practically begged her to come. While the party is going on she is texting Katie asking her if its worth coming, and what she missed, because if she missed the good parts of the party, it isn't worth coming. I found it extremely rude. You couldn't just come because me, your good friend, is having a party. She showed up so I give her that, but I always come to her parties and never complain.

 

The most recent irritating plan was the three of us going over her house to swim. We talked about doing it Sunday or Wednesday. We never really settled on a time. A few days before Sunday, I started asking questions. I needed to make a plan for my weekend. I just started seeing someone new myself and want to have time with him too. Lisa suddenly comes out that she is going to an amusement park on Sunday so its a no to that day. Well clearly she got a better offer than hanging out with us that day.

 

So we settled on Wednesday.

 

I sent out a separate message to Lisa, Katie, and some other girls about having a girls night at my house a week from now. Lisa immediately couldn't commit. She then started saying on the message how "isn't that what we are doing at my house on wednesday."

 

I didn't know what to say. All the other girls, who are my friends, who are not invited to her house saw that she put that and clearly know they aren't invited now. Even though its just Lisa, Katie and me that night. I wanted my place to be wine drinking, and mingling, and girly movies with a bunch of girls. I even picked a night when I knew Lisa wasn't working so I knew she could come. I think Lisa didn't want to commit to give away another night of the week to us and was trying to merge everything into Wednesday.

 

To make matters worse, I talk to Katie today and she starts asking me when she should be over on Wednesday, which is a day from now. I get all confused. She then tells me how Lisa said the girls night is at my house like I mentioned.

 

I was so mad. Lisa is trying to merge the nights together. I never committed to having them over in a day. And when I mentioned the swimming at Lisa's house on Wednesday, Katie claims how that wasn't the plan for Wednesday. I get more confused and angry. I semi-go off on Katie, but its because I'm mad at Lisa. I tell both girls how I will not be hosting Wednesday because I work the next day. I then tell them MY girl's night is Friday night. At this point, I don't care if Lisa can come.

 

Lisa responds saying how "well i work that night"

 

I don't say anything. I can't keep doing it when its good for her only. I will wait forever. Lisa and Katie bought me a voucher to take this special yoga class for my birthday. We were supposed to all do it together. My birthday was 5 months ago. Lisa is always busy. I can't stand her attitude about plans.

 

I don't know what to do. She makes me angry. She will pass us up for her boyfriend constantly and I understand since now I am dating someone, but I am still considerate of people's time. She and her boyfriend think they are better than us, smarter than us, and that we should be at their beckon call when they are free. Its not nice or considerate. My mom tells me to focus on myself and do things when I want to do them, but then I feel like the difficult one. What should I do?

[SpiralOut]

Follow your mother's advice.

 

 

You're not being difficult if you do what works for you. You can't cater to everyone's schedule. Tell Lisa that she should stop by your girls night after she is finished work.

 

 

You can keep her as a friend if you like but don't prioritize her. She clearly doesn't do that for you.

[CarrieT]

Drop her.

 

You make the arrangements and if she can't fit *your* schedule, then it is her loss.

 

Don't give her that much more time or energy than she deserves. Or anger.

[amkxoxo]

I don't know why she frustrates me so much. I guess its just because I am so considerate of others, and its hard for me not to be. That is my struggle, not being considerate. I feel bad going ahead and inviting other friends on a night she can't do it, but I have a regular normal job with normal hours and she does not.

 

Her boyfriend is very opinionated and very much a know it all. He isn't a horrible person, but I feel like she is more bold, opinionated, and almost expectant now that she has been with him for so long. I feel like she thinks that her and her boyfriend are better than us. I get that vibe. Her boyfriend calls the shots, and she goes along with it, because what they think is always right.

 

One weekend I went to visit my family back home. The next day Katie, Lisa, and Lisa's boyfriend decided to drive up and spend the day with me. Lisa's boyfriend was extremely nice and my parents liked him. He surprised me. Its about a two hour drive to my home. When they got to my house, I noticed Katie was driving in the front seat and Lisa and her boyfriend sat in the back seat. I felt so bad for Katie. That is so awkward. It was like Katie is the driver, driving them around. I don't know how you could not sit up front with your friend. I would have, and my boyfriend would sit in the back like the big boy he was. Katie and Lisa have been good friends for years and years. When they left, Lisa again jumps in the back with her boyfriend and Katie drives them home.

 

Or a year ago we all went out for New Year's Eve together. We had the plan that we would all stay at my apartment after since it would be late at night and we would be drinking. Everything was fine. We all got up to get ready for breakfast. I housed these people and let them sleep all around my apartment. All of my guests including Lisa and her boyfriend all held up the bathroom before my roommate and I could use it in the morning. Everyone was rushing around trying to get ready. One by one they all got freshened up and ready. My roommate and I were last. As we were still getting ready Lisa's boyfriend was getting antsy. Kept insisting they go and get us a table at the breakfast place. I kept trying to convince them that we just needed a little more time. We weren't sitting there curling our hair, we were just washing up quickly. Finally Lisa gave in and she, her boyfriend, and a few other people left us to just get a table. We got there maybe 15 minutes later and they already had food and were halfway done eating. It was so rude and inconsiderate and Lisa was fine with it. I was shocked. I would never have done this.

 

I just started dating someone new and my new guy hates Lisa's boyfriend, so there will be no double dating for us. He would go if I begged him, but he wouldn't like being around him. Neither would I. I just hate the pressure Lisa puts on a lot of situations. We have to be back by this time because she has this to do or that to do or this person to see etc... Then why make plans? I give you my whole day sometimes so we can have quality time.