Friend humiliates me

[HelloJ]

I am having a problem with a friend L that I have known for the past ten years. He has always been rude, insulting and insensitive to the point that I thought he had social dysfunction, or was even narcissistic. Often I think it’s just plain arrogance and insecurity on his behalf.

He is an academic who only recently left university life to pursue a job in the corporate world. He has moved up quite quickly and Im happy for him because he is smart and I am glad he gets to share his insights with the world.

I am currently unemployed after returning from working overseas, but had been employed in the printing business before that. I realised that that career was not for me and have changed to a field that I really enjoy being in, but am still pursuing a qualification in that field to improve my chances of gaining work and getting a better salary.

I don’t want to bring it up, but between the two of us, I probably have more real life work experience than him. I’ve lived and worked in a foreign country and have worked for some reputable companies in the past. I was the first to be employed from my friends. I worked at a place that he then worked at after me. But he acts as if he owned that company when he joined them and boasted to me that he was working at the worlds best company, what was I doing with my life. I jovially said, “Oh are you now at Bleh Bleh? Yay! That place is wonderful, when I worked there I had such a great time, the people are really nice there!” He responded, “Well Im there now, and they love me. What did you do there, make tea?” He also enjoyed picking on a sore spot in my life because I had to give up studying a course I really wanted to study because of lack of funds. He has spent many years telling me how I never finished that course and how I would never get to finish it and achieve my dream (which is no longer a dream and im glad I didn’t go that route). He would do the same with other friends’ vulnerabilities, often upsetting my bestie A by bringing up stories of how he had seen her ex and how good he looked and how sad it was they had broken up. Their break up was very painful for her and his constant reminding her of him would send her into an emotional downward spiral. He also enjoys putting us down whenever we talk about current affairs or even just general things going on in our lives. How we remained friends with him I don’t know. We stayed because the good memories and the few times he had been there for us made us feel like perhaps we were mean in judging his behaviour. We inflated the good memories, and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Recently a big children’s franchise store opened in my area. My bestie A posted a job ad for the store on our friend group on Whatsapp. She jokingly stated, “Let’s give up our jobs and work there!” I laughed and said. “Yes! I can work there immediately!” L then piped up, “Yes, I pray that you get a real job one day. Like the one who had overseas. It was real wasn’t it?” I ignored him and thanked him for his prayers, then changed the subject. It really upset me because it made me feel like he considered the things I achieved so far as worthless and a lie. I know I shouldn’t let it affect me but I felt like his behaviour was that of an a--hole. I felt belittled and humiliated and I questioned myself and if everyone saw me as loser. The worst part was none of my other friends called him out on it or defended me. Everyone carried on talking like nothing had happened. And every time he has bullied me this way no one has stood up for me. Especially best friend A, with who bad mouths him behind his back about how he made her feel in the past, but now says things like she misses him and his girlfriend while chatting on the group and asks when will they come round to visit again and if she can come visit them…She never stands up for me when he acts this way and sometimes "LOL"s when he does. Another friend in the group is also his Yes man and will agree to anything he says to maintain the friendship.

I’m disappointed, angry, hurt, offended and upset. Does my friends not defending me mean they agree with L’s insults and humiliating remarks? Should I take this lightly and move on and not let it affect me? Do I leave the group on Whatsapp and minimise contact with him? Or should I just have it out and rage and possibly risk breaking apart these friendships? Any advice as to how to heal myself and not let it affect me personally would also help. Thank you for listening.

[StalwartMind]

I can give you multiple answers to that, feel free to pick which one you like the best (or all if you are so inclined).

 

1) I didn't know friends insulted each other, and made them feel worse about choices in their life or well anything. This sounds like a grade A idiot to me. All offense (yep all offense), don't take crap from anyone or they'll keep walking all over you.

 

I feel like your friends that laugh at his insults only do because they are so scared of him, that if they don't he might turn their attention to them. A yes man, really, this is why I find alpha males to be hilarious, they actually need a pack to enhance their own insecurities (apologies to any alpha males on this board) but real men don't need a pack, they can stand by their own.

 

2) Add me to your Whatsapp group, I'll show you how a friend actually is, and I'll gladly tell this dimwit a thing or two, while "defending you", although I'll admit I wouldn't be doing this for you, I just feel like someone needs to remind this person he ain't that fantastic, not that he'll think otherwise, but it would amuse me greatly. Stupid, ignorant, bigoted people are hilarious, I don't care how smart he think he is, obviously he isn't that smart.

 

3) Don't rage, I encourage everyone to remain calm because some people get a rile out of others when they are upset. I'm very composed and assertive, nothing he or anyone else could say would offend me, not like I haven't heard everything else before, most people aren't that creative anyway. If you wish you should just confront him yourself, if no one backs you up or actually can see that this person is a tool, then you sort of have your answer, find better people to hang out with. Stuff like this would never be a problem in my circles, or that person would feel unwelcome fast.

 

The choice is yours!

[darkmoon]

minimise contact with her, i think your friends are using her now that she is employed, after good jobs, they may be picking her brains

[preraph]

Career students are often arrogant for no reason. Of course work experience is more valuable than studying it or teaching it. If he didn't come down off his high horse, I'd just dump him. Truth is he may not do well at all in the real work world.