Wife's friend said she "betrayed" her?

[kenji_t]

So this is a situation that I understand both parts but my brain kinda knots itself out...

 

In short, and I hope it doesn't get confusing:

My wife has two friends, A and B. The three of them were all friends with C, until she did something really awful to A.

 

We were all disappointed with C, and went basically to NC with her. But B decided that since she wasn't involved, kept contact with C, even though it was distant and not "friend-like" at all, just conversations.

 

Well, B was one of my wife's closest friends and they kept hanging out, doing girl's stuff and whatsoever...but yesterday my wife recieved a text from A saying she betrayed her by keeping friends with B, since she B was still friends with C. She told my wife that true friends don't do that and blah blah blah...

 

Now...I kinda understands A's anger, and my wife cut ties with C because what she's done was really awful. But isn't it kinda unfair? Was it lack of friendship when my wife kept Bas friend?

What really defines a 'true friend'?

[anika99]

Your wife has done nothing wrong. She showed her loyalty to (A) by cutting contact with ©. Now (A) is being unreasonable because whatever happened between her and © had nothing to do with your wife and (B) and those two are certainly entitled to keep their friendship with each other even if (B) occasionally talks to ©.

[Fugu]

At first I was inclined to agree with the previous poster, but thinking about it now I'm not so sure. I'm not sure what went down, but let's say that friend C slept with friend A's fiancee, husband, whatever. Obviously, A has a very good reason to expect friends to distance themselves from friend C.

 

Now on the surface, I can see what your wife's thinking. It's friend C, not friend B who committed the treachery. But that being said, if it's really something of that magnitude, why wouldn't B also recognize the magnitude of betrayal?

 

I say this as someone who doesn't live in a world of absolutes, but when people do bad things to me, I would ideally like to have other people defend me and support me. When they don't, I don't know if anger or betrayal would be the right choice of words...but I'd definitely be disappointed if someone I thought of as a true friend were not meeting the standard of someone that fits my definition of that. I might not have a grudge against them, but I would really have to wonder how dependable and reliable such people are. And when you have to think about that, is that person really a friend? Are you going to trust them? Do you spend time with people if you question their dependability?

 

I don't think you can necessarily see this in terms of 'right' or 'wrong' - those ideas are going to vary a little from one person to the next. Obviously you all have different ideas of what's 'right' or 'acceptable' in terms of a post-incident response as it applies to relationships. There's not necessarily an absolute moral argument that friend A can use against your wife, or even friend B for that matter.

 

But as I said, people define friendships and relationships in their own way, and that's what this is about - how people define their relationships, and how they define things like loyalty. Has your wife or have you thought about how you'd truly feel if she / you were friend A? Think about what was done and know that whatever she went through can absolutely happen to her or you. People will betray you in life. How do you define betrayal? How would you handle it? How would you expect your friends - true friends - to respond?

 

Start from there and you'll probably have all the answers to the questions that you need.

Edited June 29, 2015 by Fugu

[kylle]

Well...it's definitely a messed up situation.

 

Both the other posters made valid points and I was almost agreeing with the first, then the second messed up my head.

 

At the same time you expect your friends to support you (I don't know what happened there but I'll assume © is the devil), you cant *force* behaviors on others.

 

If I was friend (A), it wouldn't bother me if your wife talked to (B) at all...but it would bother me very much the fact that (B) was still friends with ©.

 

I really can't give any other thoughts on this :S

[anika99]

Well...it's definitely a messed up situation.

 

Both the other posters made valid points and I was almost agreeing with the first, then the second messed up my head.

 

At the same time you expect your friends to support you (I don't know what happened there but I'll assume © is the devil), you cant *force* behaviors on others.

 

If I was friend (A), it wouldn't bother me if your wife talked to (B) at all...but it would bother me very much the fact that (B) was still friends with ©.

 

I really can't give any other thoughts on this :S

 

Right. I think friend (A) needs to address her concerns with friend (B) and leave the OP's wife out of it.

[minimariah]

Now...I kinda understands A's anger, and my wife cut ties with C because what she's done was really awful. But isn't it kinda unfair?

 

i don't think it's about friendship... i think A is probably disappointed that your W didn't cut off B out of her life.

 

B kept hanging out with C, meaning she kind of co-signed her bullsh*t. A probably felt betrayed. your W kept hanging out with B... meaning she co-signed B co-signing C's bullsh*t... you know? so A probably feels abandoned all over again.

 

i would be disappointed that a friend of mine decided to connect with others who in some way did me wrong... not going to say that your W wasn't a true friend but i don't think she cares all that much for A either -- she would've given her friendship with B a second thought and addressed it with A 1st. you always have that one friend who is the closest to you and you do everything to keep them from getting hurt -- priorities.

 

i personally don't consider friends those who have close ties with people who, in any way, did me wrong -- no matter how much they weren't involved.

 

i won't be friends with Maria who is friends with Amanda who stole from me... you know? just like i won't be friends with Anna who is friends with Maria. it says something about their values and principles, if they hang out with folks who like to turn their heads and ignore the bullsh*t.

Edited June 30, 2015 by minimariah

[anika99]

i don't think it's about friendship... i think A is probably disappointed that your W didn't cut off B out of her life.

 

B kept hanging out with C, meaning she kind of co-signed her bullsh*t. A probably felt betrayed. your W kept hanging out with B... meaning she co-signed B co-signing C's bullsh*t... you know? so A probably feels abandoned all over again.

 

i would be disappointed that a friend of mine decided to connect with others who in some way did me wrong... not going to say that your W wasn't a true friend but i don't think she cares all that much for A either -- she would've given her friendship with B a second thought and addressed it with A 1st. you always have that one friend who is the closest to you and you do everything to keep them from getting hurt -- priorities.

 

i personally don't consider friends those who have close ties with people who, in any way, did me wrong -- no matter how much they weren't involved.

 

i won't be friends with Maria who is friends with Amanda who stole from me... you know? just like i won't be friends with Anna who is friends with Maria. it says something about their values and principles, if they hang out with folks who like to turn their heads and ignore the bullsh*t.

 

 

The OP never said (B) kept hanging out with ©, he said (B) stayed in contact with © through conversations but not as good friends. His wife ended her friendship with © out of loyalty to (A). I think that's all that's required. To say she can no longer be friends with (B) anymore because (B) occasionally talks to © is ludicrous to me. Maybe his wife cares about (B) as much as she cares about (A) and it will hurt her to cut out (B). Why are (A)'s feelings the only one's that matter?

[minimariah]

The OP never said (B) kept hanging out with ©, he said (B) stayed in contact with © through conversations but not as good friends.

 

B decided to keep in contact with C because she herself wasn't involved in the incident - clearly what C did didn't shock her or really change her opinion of C to the point of no contact. that IS problematic and from A's reaction - it is obvious that B ISN'T her friend.

 

His wife ended her friendship with © out of loyalty to (A).

 

no, she ended that friendship because she was disappointed in C. she ended the friendship for HERSELF, not for A.

 

Why are (A)'s feelings the only one's that matter?

 

A's feelings matter the most to A, it's natural. from A's point of view, the OP's W did something that hurt her feelings. and it's A's right to feel that way. doesn't matter if A is right or wrong... she still feels that way. and if i was A, i would be feeling the same way - no matter how irrational that feeling is. the OP's wife can be friends with whoever she wants to, that's her right - but it clearly comes with a price.

 

i'm sure the OP's wife cares about all of her friends but her actions clearly caused A discomfort and i totally understand why. i wouldn't be comfortable with my close friend hanging out with someone who co-signs my "enemies" either. put yourself in A's position -- you wouldn't feel at least awkward? it is what it is.

 

A won't describe the OP's friend as a "real friend" but B probably will. i don't think there is a general definition of a "true friend" -- clearly it's someone who supports you and has a good relationship with you... but we all define "support" and "good relationship" differently.