Friendship Ended Over Blown Trip???

[jsp32020]

Guess I'm just full of issues lol, since I found this site I have all sorts of things to put out there...

 

Anyways... me, a close friend, his cousin and a mutual friend planned a "dudes night out" road trip to Atlanta that was supposed to take place during the middle of last month. My friend had wanted to plan the trip out thoroughly, as last year's trip wasn't executed well, and his wife and her crew had came back from a well planned trip.

 

He's also an aspiring entrepreneur with a few things going on, and likes to invite us out to meet up on Saturday nights to talk about business ideas over a few drinks. We all signed on to go to ATL, say mid to late March, the hotel was booked at the end of March. During April, he texted out a few invites to us as to wanting to meet up two separate Saturdays. None of us replied. I know for myself, I am not the best as returning text messages, I'll look at it and forget just that fast. I knew I wasn't going for one reason or another. Of course I can't speak for the other two guys.

 

Fast forward to May 1st (the trip is around the 15th), I realized that the April had blew by and the trip was in 2 weeks, I needed to call him to finalize the plans. I call, no answer. I let a few days go by, call again, no answer. This time I send a text to all 3 parties wanting to plan the rest of the trip. His cousin replies, and states that my friend said we were bs'ing so the trip was off. My friend then replies that he had been trying to meet with us about the trip and since he hadn't heard from anybody he cancelled and budgeted his money for other things. I acknowledged the fact that I missed the text but never did anybody reach out to me about the trip specifically, only to hang out. Furthermore once I suggested that it's not too late as we still had time, I never got a reply.

 

Now all of my other friends know that I'm the well intended but hard to reach friend that isn't available as much since I've went from single to family man. I only catch up with them every few weeks as of lately. It doesn't take much for a man trip as far as I'm concerned, you just rent the car, book the room and go. We're men, were not booking visitor tours and sightseeing, we're hitting bars and clubs up and just getting away from the women for a few days. Atlanta from here is almost like driving down the street.

 

We haven't talked since, and my girlfriend alleges that he posted a comment on Facebook with a comment about reaching a point when you have to leave people behind (which I know was directed my way). We've been close friends over the course of the last 13 or so years. In our single days there were many nights crashing on the other's couch after partying, I picked his kids up from school when he and his wife worked, I've helped them move (several times), all but cancelled Valentine's day plans for my lady this year to help his family move, by his kids stuff for x-mas, couples night out, long talks about everything...

 

I'm not expecting a call anytime soon, and I feel like I shouldn't have to call. If he wants to be mad about the trip and write me off as dragging my feet about starting business ventures then so be it. But I would think that the last decade of friendship would speak for something, frankly I think he's a little to into his own feelings on this. When I look at it, seems like I've been there for him a lot and to be like this is almost... ungrateful (for lack of better words). He moved to a new house and was trying to get us over there to check it out but has never been to my new apartment since me and my girlfriend moved in. One Christmas the he and his wife never came by to pick up gifts for his kids, we wound up giving them away and eating with the gift card. I didn't take it personal as much as I blamed it on lack of etiquette on his part.

 

So I'm at the point where when I look at things, I'm not losing much if this is what it has came down to. My girlfriend and his wife are sort of cordial, they've hung out and currently she's been invited to go to Vegas with them next year.

 

This was supposed to be short but oops... anyways, your thoughts?

[rester]

He sounds like he's one of those pain-in-the-a$$ friends. We all have them. If you've been friends with him for 13 years, you should probably know how he is when it comes to things like this, and then act accordingly. So on one hand, you should have known he would overreact to an unanswered text, but you let it go unanswered anyway. On the other hand, he's completely overreacting. You're right, you're a bunch of guys going on a weekend getaway. What's there to plan? Who brings the ice and beer, who brings the whiskey, and who brings the weed?

 

If I were you I'd go ahead and book a hotel and a car and organize it yourself with the other two. Invite him along but don't be surprised if he doesn't go. It's his loss.

 

You might be able to repair the friendship, but to be honest, he sounds like he's too much work. The male friends that I keep close are easy...we all have so many other problems in our lives, why waste energy on male friends that are going to be all dramatic about not meeting up on a Saturday night to plan a weekend getaway?

[jsp32020]

Outside of being a little headstrong about things when he's the originator of the plan, he's never took it to this level and I was surprised a bit. The other two guys I'm cool with but not on the level of going without him. I'm cool with the cousin but we don't communicate really, the other guy I used to be tight with but he proved to not be on a level I felt was worthy.

 

But you are 100% correct, I was sort of laughing about it to a few other guys like man, this feels like women drama.

Edited June 18, 2015 by jsp32020

[preraph]

I got to say I don't blame him for being mad and giving up on you and the others who just didn't bother to reply to an invitation. My friends did that, I'd be over them as well. You just blew him off. How long would it take to say yes or no.

[jsp32020]

I got to say I don't blame him for being mad and giving up on you and the others who just didn't bother to reply to an invitation. My friends did that, I'd be over them as well. You just blew him off. How long would it take to say yes or no.

 

I had already confirmed I was going and he knew that. This wasn't the first trip so he knew I wasn't going to flake out. I was on the phone with him when his wife clicked "book" for the hotel. He's just mad that we didn't meet with him to plan the details of the trip. Furthermore we only talk every few weeks or less so it's not like I switched my routine up to duck him. I'm very consistent in my consistence of missing calls and texts lol. If the meetings were to specifically talk about the trip he should've said something and not make it out to sound like just hanging out.

 

thanks for the input.

Edited June 18, 2015 by jsp32020

[preraph]

Sounds like he got tired of having to chase you. It gets old. No one really wants to get used to that.

[jsp32020]

Sounds like he got tired of having to chase you. It gets old. No one really wants to get used to that.

 

Fair point.Now would you have done the same thing if you were in his shoes? The only thing I would still argue though is we've been long time friends and I've been there for this guy on many occasions. Is it worth cancelling all plans, making comments on Facebook and not wanting to actually talk about it and possibly not wanting to talk at all? And I'll also say it can't be all me at fault as I've never had these kind of issues with any of my other friends. Every few years (now that I think about it) it seems like we wind up in minor disputes. The last time it was him that apologized for not understand that I was no longer single and couldn't just up and go out with him at every whim he had.

[preraph]

What I would have done is gotten face to face with you and aired my issues and let you know that I resent having to chase you down and how it's hurtful and disrespectful. But since you and others are ducking the face time, I'd say his choices are limited as to how to handle it. He probably already feels like he's doing all the work and investing a lot into maintaining the friendship but that you guys don't even give a crap enough to even sit down for a pow-wow wherein he could have gotten your thoughts on what to do on the outing and made plans you'd all enjoy. He probably figured if you'd all gone and he'd made all the plans for once you got there, then he'd encounter a bunch of resistance there to and just decided it wasn't worth it.

[Fugu]

I got to say I don't blame him for being mad and giving up on you and the others who just didn't bother to reply to an invitation. My friends did that, I'd be over them as well. You just blew him off. How long would it take to say yes or no.

 

Or you could just man up and confront someone and say "Look, bro, I don't appreciate you blowing off my texts."

 

I don't like it when people flake on me either, but at the same time, I don't like passive aggressiveness, especially when I'm thinking that we're supposed to be friends.

 

Looks to me like both of them have some explaining and making up to do to each other. It's just a question now of whether they both *want* to do that.

 

OP, you might feel that you're not required to make extra efforts but what's your bottom line here? Seems to me like this is on your mind, and it probably should be. Good friendships don't come easy. Seems like you want to be friends again.

 

If that's the case, then just drop the nonsense and just be straight with him. If you haven't already done so, then I would actually *apologize* for ignoring his texts and that you realize it probably p!ssed him off, and that you understand that. See how he responds.

 

If he can't let that go, then screw him - because it will be on him if the relationship withers. We all make mistakes in relationships. We all are entitled to second chances if we've been good friends. If someone insists on holding grudges, then yeah, maybe he's right after all about that moving on part.

[Fugu]

Fair point.Now would you have done the same thing if you were in his shoes? The only thing I would still argue though is we've been long time friends and I've been there for this guy on many occasions. Is it worth cancelling all plans, making comments on Facebook and not wanting to actually talk about it and possibly not wanting to talk at all? And I'll also say it can't be all me at fault as I've never had these kind of issues with any of my other friends. Every few years (now that I think about it) it seems like we wind up in minor disputes. The last time it was him that apologized for not understand that I was no longer single and couldn't just up and go out with him at every whim he had.

 

One thing you'll learn is that, as people get older, individual people will react differently to perceived slights. Even among your friends, there are going to be differences. You shouldn't expect friend A to have the same reaction that everyone else has, just because they share the common thread of friendship. People are individuals, with their own insecurities and fears.

 

No, he's not right for being passive aggressive with you, but maybe he does those things because he thinks that others will notice and then bring it to your attention. Maybe he thinks you've got more b@lls then he does - enough testes to confront him so that he won't have to confront you. Again, would be nice if his sack were bigger, but he's counting on you to be the man here. So oblige him, maybe.

[rester]

If that's the case, then just drop the nonsense and just be straight with him. If you haven't already done so, then I would actually *apologize* for ignoring his texts and that you realize it probably p!ssed him off, and that you understand that. See how he responds.

 

 

I think the bolded is a good idea.

 

 

 

But I think it's ridiculous when people, especially grown men, get bent out of shape over a text getting blown off. I have friends that don't respond to my texts for weeks and I could care less. There's more going on in people's lives than their text messages. If something is important, pick up the phone and give them a call.

 

If I were the OP's friend, after getting no response to the text, I would have called each person up individually and planned something. Instead, his friend acted like a child over one lousy text message. In my experience, that sort of thing will kill a friendship faster than anything. These are adult men we're talking about.

[whichwayisup]

We've been close friends over the course of the last 13 or so years. In our single days there were many nights crashing on the other's couch after partying, I picked his kids up from school when he and his wife worked, I've helped them move (several times), all but cancelled Valentine's day plans for my lady this year to help his family move, by his kids stuff for x-mas, couples night out, long talks about everything...

 

Let him go. Anybody who wants to walk away from a long friendship and forgets what a good and helpful friend you were to him, isn't worth it. You gave, he took. One mistake and he's pissed off, ends things? He sounds immature and self absorbed.

[Kaiten]

I have actually been from the other end of this problem so I'd love to offer input.

 

I used to do all the planning so that things went smooth. If I set up a trip w/ my friends, say 3 weeks from now, then I call them and they don't answer, then UNTIL THEY SAY OTHERWISE I assume the trip is still on.

 

If they are really my friends then they are going to let me know if they can't go as soon as they know. Now the hard truth of it is that I got flaked on quite a bit because of that. So I eventually did learn who to let go and who not to.

 

I am also the aspiring entrepreneur of my group. I understand getting busy and lost in the week. I really do. But I've also been wrongly accused of being selfish.

 

One time, I had an idea for a day trip. I planned everything and set it all up from start to finish. Everyone was really excited. Only I had forgotten to tell them the amount of time it would take to get there. No biggie, right? Wrong.

 

They decided they were unwilling to go quite that far (literally a difference of about 20 minutes) and so I was perplexed. I didn't know what to do about that, so I let them plan where we would go. After taking forever to decide, we ended up driving around just looking at places and never did what we actually set out to do. What's worse is that we would have taken less time sticking to the plan AND we would have done what we planned the trip for. We ended up losing worse in every way.

[Kaiten]

But it is worth mentioning that driven people like myself really hate it when we send out an easy-to-resolve text and a person doesn't reply. But as someone said before, passive aggressiveness aint cool.

 

Good friendships don't come easy, but people usually take that for, "I guess I gotta do all the heavy lifting."

 

And that's okay sometimes. But if you've done that and you have found that the other person had no intention whatsoever of making a move, then it's a real bad sign that you're gonna be wearing out your back.

[jsp32020]

Thanks for the replies everybody.

 

Just to be fair and not paint him as a bad guy, he was there for me early on back when I was in need.

 

It's just that I've felt it as been lopsided for a while now as of late. It did bother me thinking about how he hasn't done anything for my son considering what I've done for his kids in the past, and couldn't pick up gifts I bought for his kids. Since I've lived with my girlfriend, he's the only close friend I have that has never stepped foot in our home, but me and my family has been to his place several times. Plus he is the friend that would not think to offer up a round of drinks on him, I feel like I've tried to introduce doing things like that to the friendship but it really wasn't reciprocated. Alot of things haven't been reciprocated I feel, but I've tried to say "ok that's just how he is" and not look at so personal.

 

Another back story to all of this is that they recently moved in to a new house and bought a lot of new stuff in the process not to mention higher rent. I would honestly want to say that knowing him, I'd think he'd have enough integrity to be honest about it, but the fact that he said "I've already budgeted the trip out" makes me wonder if money tightened up which was giving him second thoughts, and the cherry on the top was our lack of communication.

[jsp32020]

I have actually been from the other end of this problem so I'd love to offer input.

 

I used to do all the planning so that things went smooth. If I set up a trip w/ my friends, say 3 weeks from now, then I call them and they don't answer, then UNTIL THEY SAY OTHERWISE I assume the trip is still on.

 

If they are really my friends then they are going to let me know if they can't go as soon as they know. Now the hard truth of it is that I got flaked on quite a bit because of that. So I eventually did learn who to let go and who not to.

 

I am also the aspiring entrepreneur of my group. I understand getting busy and lost in the week. I really do. But I've also been wrongly accused of being selfish.

 

One time, I had an idea for a day trip. I planned everything and set it all up from start to finish. Everyone was really excited. Only I had forgotten to tell them the amount of time it would take to get there. No biggie, right? Wrong.

 

They decided they were unwilling to go quite that far (literally a difference of about 20 minutes) and so I was perplexed. I didn't know what to do about that, so I let them plan where we would go. After taking forever to decide, we ended up driving around just looking at places and never did what we actually set out to do. What's worse is that we would have taken less time sticking to the plan AND we would have done what we planned the trip for. We ended up losing worse in every way.

 

Personally, I feel like at least a warning text like "hey you guys are bull____ are we still on?" would not have been heavy lifting for him. And the truth is, I never associated his invitations to hang out with the trip. Four times was there any sort of communication in the month leading up. Twice was basically texts messages "ya'll wanna get out," one text message following up on something we had talked about unrelated (which I replied to), and one call to his wife informing her that we had to cancel the plans her and my girlfriend made to visit them as my son was running a high fever that evening and we had debated taking him to the ER.

 

I think he had put so much focus on "planning" only because he made it out to be a competition between he and his wife, since his wife and friends trip went so well.

[jsp32020]

His wife invites my girlfriend out on occasion but she always declines for one reason or another. I almost want her to go out with them so it doesn't seems like we're teaming up against them. He usually has good reason to not go as the timing is off but at some point I can't help but to wonder if that's what they're thinking.

[jsp32020]

Duplicate by mistake here, just edited it out.

Edited June 21, 2015 by jsp32020

[Fugu]

Thanks for the replies everybody.

 

Just to be fair and not paint him as a bad guy, he was there for me early on back when I was in need.

 

It's just that I've felt it as been lopsided for a while now as of late. It did bother me thinking about how he hasn't done anything for my son considering what I've done for his kids in the past, and couldn't pick up gifts I bought for his kids. Since I've lived with my girlfriend, he's the only close friend I have that has never stepped foot in our home, but me and my family has been to his place several times. Plus he is the friend that would not think to offer up a round of drinks on him, I feel like I've tried to introduce doing things like that to the friendship but it really wasn't reciprocated. Alot of things haven't been reciprocated I feel, but I've tried to say "ok that's just how he is" and not look at so personal.

 

Another back story to all of this is that they recently moved in to a new house and bought a lot of new stuff in the process not to mention higher rent. I would honestly want to say that knowing him, I'd think he'd have enough integrity to be honest about it, but the fact that he said "I've already budgeted the trip out" makes me wonder if money tightened up which was giving him second thoughts, and the cherry on the top was our lack of communication.

 

I'll say this as a doctor who is really an awful patient.

 

I think you need to cut the crap and stop the thinkin and just ask what's on his mind. Tell him your sorry you pissed him off and invite him out for a drink, but when y'all go out, don't gloss over it. Deal with it. Be straight up. No need to go at it with each other. Just say, "Look, bro, I'm sorry I pissed you off. I know I did. I am sometimes crap about responding to texts. It doesn't mean I don't like you but I know it comes off that way, and I get it. I wish you woulda just confronted me about it and told me what was on your mind, but I know not everyone is gonna be like that.'

 

See where it goes.

 

The problem with relationship breakdowns is sh*t is left unsaid, and if people would just say it, they'd find out that maybe there's disappointment but no dislike and no hatred. But the longer the silence, the more people imagine stuff in their own minds, and the more their own imaginations become their 'reality' about you - and the same is true in reverse. And the sad part is, the reality - the real reality - is probably so much different from the real truth...

 

...if you follow.

 

You never know. This guy could die in a car accident tomorrow - then how would you feel?

[jsp32020]

I'll say this as a doctor who is really an awful patient.

 

I think you need to cut the crap and stop the thinkin and just ask what's on his mind. Tell him your sorry you pissed him off and invite him out for a drink, but when y'all go out, don't gloss over it. Deal with it. Be straight up. No need to go at it with each other. Just say, "Look, bro, I'm sorry I pissed you off. I know I did. I am sometimes crap about responding to texts. It doesn't mean I don't like you but I know it comes off that way, and I get it. I wish you woulda just confronted me about it and told me what was on your mind, but I know not everyone is gonna be like that.'

 

See where it goes.

 

The problem with relationship breakdowns is sh*t is left unsaid, and if people would just say it, they'd find out that maybe there's disappointment but no dislike and no hatred. But the longer the silence, the more people imagine stuff in their own minds, and the more their own imaginations become their 'reality' about you - and the same is true in reverse. And the sad part is, the reality - the real reality - is probably so much different from the real truth...

 

...if you follow.

 

You never know. This guy could die in a car accident tomorrow - then how would you feel?

 

You are correct, I may just do that. Part of this is me using this chance to evaluate the friendship, but as someone mentioned, if I'm here talking about it then I must place some kind of value in it.