Dealing with unexpected 'guests'

[Jive]

Hello!

 

I'm a 28 year old male who found himself in a tricky situation. I also live alone and like it that way.

 

I have two really good friends (they are brothers) of mine who have been living in another city for a few years. Over those years we've visited each other frequently and have kept in regular contact through facebook, texting, etc.

 

This past winter they decided to 'plan' on moving to the west coast. I use 'plan' lightly since they aren't the types of people who exactly have their sh*t together. They are generally money-less, in their 30's, single, and are pretty direction-less as far as life in general goes. But we bond great and I love them like brothers.

 

On the other hand, I have my own apartment and have an actual career job making decent money to support myself. It's a very ying/yang kinda situation between me and them but it's never been an issue and I don't look down on them for not being further along in life.

 

But just this week they informed me that their lease is up in a few weeks and will be stopping in my city for an undetermined amount of time so they can save more money to make it to the west coast. That's their end goal.

 

Well, one of my friends will be moving in with his sister which leaves my other friend nowhere to go since their isn't much room at their sister's place. So he asked me if he could crash at my place for "just a few weeks" until he can get money and possibly find a short lease somewhere until he's ready to move.

 

The only issue is, I have a REALLY hard time living with other people, especially if they are unemployed and have no money. I'm basically shouldered with the responsibility now of providing a roof over his head, food, water, interenet, you name it.

 

There is nothing that irks me more than to come home after a long day at work to a lazy roommate loafing on my couch playing video games all day and eating my stuff. It's a huge pet peeve.

 

Since he has no job prospects, no money, and is moving up here on a whim because he has nowhere else to go - the thought of letting him stay at my place is causing me a great deal of stress. I've done the whole roommate thing for years and would rather not repeat that - especially being this close to 30 and wanting to take dating seriously.

 

I KNOW this 'few weeks' will turn into a few months and so on. I don't mind helping him out for a really short period of time, but I'm not exactly how to tell him he's not welcome permanently without causing discord.

 

Where should I draw the line? How do I tell him?

 

Also, am I being selfish for not wanting him to live there?

[acrosstheuniverse]

It's hard for me to believe that this guy sees you as as great a friend as you see him: a true friend would NOT mooch off their friend, eat their food, lounge around on their couch for a prolonged period of time without contributing to the household. Is it possible that he just sees you as naive and a soft place to land? It's literally ridiculous for a grown man to be expecting to be supported financially by another grown man, just because he doesn't have his **** together. You chose to live alone for a reason, if it was just a week then it's what friends do to help one another out but any more than that is pure exploitation.

 

I don't see a softly softly approach working too well here as either he is ignoring social convention and isn't very good at picking up on social cues, in which case he wouldn't get it, or he's purposefully taking advantage, in which case he'd ignore a soft approach. I would get back from work, sit down with him and tell him that you're glad to have been able to provide a place for him to crash but you need your own space, and you'd like him gone within a week. If the guy didn't have the money to put himself up in a motel or rent an apartment he shouldn't have embarked upon a move. On one hand you did agree to let him stay for a few weeks (you really need to work on your self confidence and asserting yourself, just because he has 'nowhere to go' doesn't make it your problem) so it would be harsh to kick him out tomorrow, but on the other hand you need to make it crystal clear that 'a few weeks' means JUST that, let him know early that he has to go in case he is under the impression that he really can stay for months.

[Jive]

Hey thanks for the advice. We've actually been pretty close friends for a few years now. He's never taken advantage of me, borrowed money, or stayed with me for an extended period of time in the past. In fact, we toured in the same band together last year so I have a good idea of his personality and he's pretty respectful about personal boundaries. We were in a van together for weeks on end without any conflicts.

 

It just bugs me that he has nothing planned for his big move and very little money saved. He's in a transition period so I don't see the problem with letting him stay for a few weeks but I know that's going to turn into a few months of I'm not firm enough. I highly value my privacy and alone time so I could easily see this being damaging to the friendship after a few weeks.

 

I don't know. Maybe I'm just ranting but the whole situation is pretty frustrating.

[d0nnivain]

Straight up tell him that you prefer to live alone but offer him the couch for a week or weekend. Perhaps download airbnb for him & get him a monthly share somewhere cheap . . . that is exactly why / how the cite got started.

[TaraMaiden2]

Much as it's difficult, I think perhaps you're going to have to bite the bullet, be completely honest with him and tell him - you really don't want to deal with anyone invading your personal space.

 

You're fastidious, neat and some things leave you cold - sharing being one of them. Why does he think you've had your own apartment, lived alone, and never shared before?

Answer? because you don't like it, and aren't comfortable.

 

Besides (you could say, maybe....? ) some time ago, you lived with someone else, and it turned out to be a total disaster, and you guys are good friends so you don't want to jeopardise your friendship.

 

If he finds he's really got to pull out the stops, and do something for himself, this might be exactly the impetus he needs to finally get his act together.

the more he's confident he can get others to 'bail him out', the less effort he'll make, and the more he will let them....

[Sweeetie]

Since you two are close friends I would steer well clear of living together, especially since you are on very different pages- you will be saying goodbye to your friendship.

[Kopite]

Mate, it's pretty clear to me what the answer is. You have made your mind up. Just tell him the truth, say it's nothing personal and if he is indeed the friend you say he is, he will understand.