Should I reach out?

[RoseVille]

Last year, I learned of some dishonest and extremely selfish behavior by a woman who I considered to be a very close friend, one of my best local friends. When I learned of what she'd done, I confronted her, along with some other issues that I questioned in terms of her care for our friendship. She admitted all of it, apologized profusely and swore she'd be a better friend. She tried - a teeny, tiny bit - very soon thereafter, but it was too soon. In my mind, you can't put bandaids on bulletholes. And that's what they felt like at the time. I'd expect her behavior from an acquaintance, but not a close friend.

 

It's been 7-8 months since the confrontation. We run in the same social circle, and cross paths quite often for dinner parties and the like. It's extremely awkward when we see each other. There's an elephant in the room, because there wasn't ever any real closure. Just, "I'm hurt by this" and "I'm sorry, I'll do better," without any real follow-up. I felt like it was her responsibility to show me she was a good friend, but she never even tried to make amends.

 

That said, I miss her. I miss the times we spent together; we have a ton in common, and spent most of our social time together; I was close with her SO and her family.

 

I was considering reaching out to her, asking her to lunch/coffee, and talk. But is this a good idea?

[whichwayisup]

If she wanted to renew the friendship and prove to you she can be a good friend again, she would have made the effort. She hasn't, sadly her *non* actions are showing you she can't be bothered.

[StalwartMind]

It is rough losing someone you used to regard highly, but I'm of the same opinion as whichwayisup. The lack of effort does not appeal to me, especially when you know how little it sometimes require to start a new chapter and truly be a better person. Clearly this is not on her agenda and you can do with better in your life.

[silverfeather]

Last year, I learned of some dishonest and extremely selfish behavior by a woman who I considered to be a very close friend, one of my best local friends. When I learned of what she'd done, I confronted her, along with some other issues that I questioned in terms of her care for our friendship. She admitted all of it, apologized profusely and swore she'd be a better friend. She tried - a teeny, tiny bit - very soon thereafter, but it was too soon. In my mind, you can't put bandaids on bulletholes. And that's what they felt like at the time. I'd expect her behavior from an acquaintance, but not a close friend.

 

It's been 7-8 months since the confrontation. We run in the same social circle, and cross paths quite often for dinner parties and the like. It's extremely awkward when we see each other. There's an elephant in the room, because there wasn't ever any real closure. Just, "I'm hurt by this" and "I'm sorry, I'll do better," without any real follow-up. I felt like it was her responsibility to show me she was a good friend, but she never even tried to make amends.

 

That said, I miss her. I miss the times we spent together; we have a ton in common, and spent most of our social time together; I was close with her SO and her family.

 

I was considering reaching out to her, asking her to lunch/coffee, and talk. But is this a good idea?

Firstly I am sorry that you were hurt. It's hard to start to trust again and it can damage our self esteem

 

That being said. You have to decide whether you want to put it behind you or just distance yourself from her for good.

 

If you can't get over it then really there is no use pretending friendship is there when it isn't.

 

I agree though her non action is a type of passive aggressiveness.

 

Try building new friendships. You say you spent a lot of social time with her. Perhaps you depended on her a lot socially and that is why you are choosing to go back to a friendship that when you look at it objectively does not seem that healthy for you.

[Vivian A]

Friendship requires effort from both side. So if she is not willing to be your friend any more, you should also ignore her and move on. There is nothing wrong if your social circle is the same but you have to move on and treat her like any other non-friend whom you know a bit. I think you should stop thinking about her and move on with your life.

[jen1447]

I'll go opposite the trend here and say you should at least try it. If nothing else, it'll make you feel better and provide some resolution.

[aloneinaz]

I'll go opposite the trend here and say you should at least try it. If nothing else, it'll make you feel better and provide some resolution.

 

 

This was my thought as well. Sometimes people are stubborn and viewed the issues the wrong way. Only after having a "clear the air" conversation do both parties get back on track again. It's usually a miss-understanding in most cases. If I was you and you valued the relationship, ask her to lunch or coffee to see if you both can resolve it. If nothing changes then you know she's not the type of friend you need in your life anyway.

 

 

I had an old female friend move back to town several months ago. My GF and I bent over backwards helping her, including her in our activities, having her over for meals, etc.. She never reciprocated anything. She just kept taking and taking and was a friend at her convenience. I did the fade on her. She asked me about why I was becoming distant. I honesty shared how I and my GF where feeling about her friendship. She apologized and said she understood our position and would change. Two more months or her same self center BS and we vanished from her life. Who has time for people like that..

[preraph]

Since you are in a social circle that has groups of people around, I'm going to take the middle road here and say you should invite her not to a one-on-one meeting but to a dinner party with a few other people. Show her you are still including her, but don't have the awkward one-on-one and maybe she'll warm back up.

[Methodical]

People do things that are less than honorable all the time but fail to see their own faults while having no problem pointing out someone else's flaws. You confronted her, she admitted guilt and apologized profusely, so at least she didn't lie or make excuses, or play the blame game. She owned her mistakes. That takes character.

 

She did reach out according to you - a teeny tiny bit. You went on to say you can't put a bandaid on bullet holes and it was too soon when she tried to make amends. Is it possible she reached out earnestly, but because you were angry, you didn't want to accept her olive branch? I mean, she did admit, apologize, and reach out and you rejected her, so perhaps she feels like you don't want anything to do with her. Therefore, among your social group she tends to stay neutral or simply avoids you to save face and avoid a scene.