mortensorchid Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Last night I was out at a gallery opening. I was sitting at a table with three others, we were sitting around chatting. Across the room I see this woman friend of mine who I had not seen in a long time and I waved to her. She and I had drifted over time, she had a baby about three years ago and I decided to back off in terms of calling / seeing her because I figured her priorities had changed. She comes over to the table, says hello and hugs all three of them at the table and NOT ME. I was blown away, it was a clear and deliberate snub on her part. For the life of me, I do not know what it is that I did/didn't do/say to make her not like me. I even came closer to her physically at the party and made eye contact and smiled at her, she turned away. I must say that this is something that rarely happens, but when it does, I am glad of it. Sometimes you need to know who your real friends in life are, and she is not one of them. I have a lot of others who are far better than she is, I keep as busy as possible, and she was not a part of my life for the last few years. Also, I am 40 years old and she is also in her 40s. I think she is far more screwed up than I. Life is good. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 She and I had drifted over time, she had a baby about three years ago and I decided to back off in terms of calling / seeing her because I figured her priorities had changed. You backed off and stopped seeing and calling her and you assumed (figured) her priorities changed, so on some level she was just going on the fact that you were the one who backed off. Fast forward 3 years, she sees you and probably feels very uncomfortable, maybe has some hurt feelings too which is why she reacted (not hugging you or speaking to you) the way she did. This could very well be a big miscommunication and misunderstanding and if you two were to talk, maybe the friendship could be renewed. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 "I figured her priorities had changed" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 She behaved as appropriate in a situation where she had been pushed away. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Last night I was out at a gallery opening. I was sitting at a table with three others, we were sitting around chatting. Across the room I see this woman friend of mine who I had not seen in a long time and I waved to her. She and I had drifted over time, she had a baby about three years ago and I decided to back off in terms of calling / seeing her because I figured her priorities had changed. She comes over to the table, says hello and hugs all three of them at the table and NOT ME. I was blown away, it was a clear and deliberate snub on her part. For the life of me, I do not know what it is that I did/didn't do/say to make her not like me. I even came closer to her physically at the party and made eye contact and smiled at her, she turned away. I must say that this is something that rarely happens, but when it does, I am glad of it. Sometimes you need to know who your real friends in life are, and she is not one of them. I have a lot of others who are far better than she is, I keep as busy as possible, and she was not a part of my life for the last few years. Also, I am 40 years old and she is also in her 40s. I think she is far more screwed up than I. Life is good. I think the fact that she snubbed you at this event is due to your lack of communication with her over the past 3 years. The fact that neither of you reached out to each other over the past 3 years to maintain the friendship tells me that it wasn't that important to either of you, since friendship is a two-way street. Did you attend her baby shower when she was pregnant? Were you two ever close friends or just superficial acquaintances? Did you never think to call her to invite her and new baby out of the house to catch up over coffee? So, if she was not part of your life, then why do you care? How does being a new mom make her screwed up, when you admit you were the one to stop making any effort to maintain the friendship after she gave birth? I've had friends become new moms and our friendships changed but didn't end. When a woman becomes a mom her priorities change, and this can conflict with her single women friends whose priorities are not the same. So, it takes compromise from both friends to keep the friendship going. But if neither does anything, then yeah the friendship will go *poof*. She snubbed you because she was probably still hurt that you stopped staying in touch after she had her baby. If she's not someone you want a friendship with again then do nothing. But if you want to be her friend, then reach out to her if you still have her contact info and try to reconnect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 I'm not a mother but what I've seen from other mothers I'm close to is that when they have a baby, that's pretty much the most significant thing to ever happen in their life, and people tend to want to share and celebrate very significant life events, not go private with them. So in effect what you did was go dark on her in her happiest hour, which more or less is saying you're not interested in the most profound happiness she'll ever experience. I'm not trying to be preachy, just offering an explanation. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 When you say you backed off when she had the kids, did you turn down baby shower invitations, did you stop sending Christmas cards, did you refuse any invitations just to visit from her? Or did she not even make any attempts to contact you once she had kids (which I know so often can happen)? I ask because it's as much up to her as you to stay in touch. But if she tried and you shunned her, then of course, that is why she's hurt. However, if she didn't try to call and keep in touch or text or invite you to anything at all, then it's just as much her bad. Could you have said anything to a mutual friend that got back to her? I know it's nearly impossible to remain friends with people with young kids unless you also have them, so I get that, but it's extreme to just cut her off and if you did that, well, there's your result. A really good friend dumped me completely after kids. She was rude every time i talked to her after that (long distance phone call). I am still bruised by it. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 So, if she was not part of your life, then why do you care? quite logical Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 OP, you are the one who backed off the friendship. So now you see her and expect her to fall all over you? Really? Then you say you have better friends and her life is messed up, blah blah blah Really? Acting like you don’t care. Who are you kidding? She is fine without your friendship. She has moved on and forgotten about you, suggest you do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Last night I was out at a gallery opening. I was sitting at a table with three others, we were sitting around chatting. Across the room I see this woman friend of mine who I had not seen in a long time and I waved to her. She and I had drifted over time, she had a baby about three years ago and I decided to back off in terms of calling / seeing her because I figured her priorities had changed. She comes over to the table, says hello and hugs all three of them at the table and NOT ME. I was blown away, it was a clear and deliberate snub on her part. For the life of me, I do not know what it is that I did/didn't do/say to make her not like me. I even came closer to her physically at the party and made eye contact and smiled at her, she turned away. I must say that this is something that rarely happens, but when it does, I am glad of it. Sometimes you need to know who your real friends in life are, and she is not one of them. I have a lot of others who are far better than she is, I keep as busy as possible, and she was not a part of my life for the last few years. Also, I am 40 years old and she is also in her 40s. I think she is far more screwed up than I. Life is good. The bolded is probably exactly what she your (ex)friend thought when you distanced yourself from her 3yrs ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted June 7, 2015 Author Share Posted June 7, 2015 I have read comments that were posted. I didn't want to point out a few other things about her - her ex husband served jail time, she left him when he got cancer and he has had it about 4x now, she smoked while she was pregnant which I think is the most self centered thing a person can do, she had her baby with a guy about half her age who is an alright guy. I was there when she had him, supported her at the baby shower, etc. After she split with R, he said the reason he broke it off is because it's far from over with her and her ex husband. He forbade her from having her ex husband around their son, then sees on Facebook that she's going out to lunch with him and their son tags along. R was actually afraid that they were going to take off and move away with his son one day. I wouldn't put it past them. I decided to bump her into the category of acquaintance after all this nonsense. I am on R's side quite honestly, I think he has his head screwed on right and she and her ex husband are screwy people. I was surprised that she actually snubbed me at the event, but hey, that's that isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 I have read comments that were posted. I didn't want to point out a few other things about her - her ex husband served jail time, she left him when he got cancer and he has had it about 4x now, she smoked while she was pregnant which I think is the most self centered thing a person can do, she had her baby with a guy about half her age who is an alright guy. I was there when she had him, supported her at the baby shower, etc. After she split with R, he said the reason he broke it off is because it's far from over with her and her ex husband. He forbade her from having her ex husband around their son, then sees on Facebook that she's going out to lunch with him and their son tags along. R was actually afraid that they were going to take off and move away with his son one day. I wouldn't put it past them. I decided to bump her into the category of acquaintance after all this nonsense. I am on R's side quite honestly, I think he has his head screwed on right and she and her ex husband are screwy people. I was surprised that she actually snubbed me at the event, but hey, that's that isn't it? So you hate her and feel superior to her, why do you even care if she "snubbed" you? Also no doubt she knows you feel this way, why would she want to talk to you? She was probably horrified that you were there what an awkward situation!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 I have read comments that were posted. I didn't want to point out a few other things about her - her ex husband served jail time, she left him when he got cancer and he has had it about 4x now, she smoked while she was pregnant which I think is the most self centered thing a person can do, she had her baby with a guy about half her age who is an alright guy. I was there when she had him, supported her at the baby shower, etc. After she split with R, he said the reason he broke it off is because it's far from over with her and her ex husband. He forbade her from having her ex husband around their son, then sees on Facebook that she's going out to lunch with him and their son tags along. R was actually afraid that they were going to take off and move away with his son one day. I wouldn't put it past them. I decided to bump her into the category of acquaintance after all this nonsense. I am on R's side quite honestly, I think he has his head screwed on right and she and her ex husband are screwy people. I was surprised that she actually snubbed me at the event, but hey, that's that isn't it? So why did her snub of you at that gallery opening bother you? It doesn't even sound like you liked each other as friends. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Well, no wonder she's done with you! You jumped right in buddying up to her ex and talking about her and taking his side. You can't have thought that wouldn't get back to her. You just don't do that. And two other things, she cannot take her kid and run off. It's not allowed. The courts decide how far away a person can move from the father/mother of their child and it varies by state but is usually no further than an hour and a half away, both parents being responsible to take turns making the trip. Also, once she's not with him anymore, she can see or have her kid around anyone she wants. He doesn't get to control that, just as she can't control it if he gets a girlfriend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 So you hate her and feel superior to her, why do you even care if she "snubbed" you? Also no doubt she knows you feel this way, why would she want to talk to you? She was probably horrified that you were there what an awkward situation!! Sounds more like a bit of an ego hurt than a heart hurt here. Morten, were you hoping she'd come talk to you, maybe grovel? Try to reconnect or something? Fact is, seems you don't respect her and she isn't someone you really liked to begin with, so it shouldn't matter that she chose to not talk to you. Try to let it go and focus on your real friends, not someone from your past who isn't even in your life anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 So you had already deemed her as being unworthy of your friendship, pushed her away and then felt offended that she didn't hug you? If you feel so superior to her then why care? Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I don't blame your friend. My friends dumped me while I was pregnant and no one came to my baby shower. I was sick of only making an effort. Mums need friendships too, adult conversion is a must if you don't want to go crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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