That Friend that Uses You, Talks to You Out of Boredom, etc.

[treehugger101]

Would you remain friends with someone like this? I have had this friend since middle school so about 13 years, and she usually just talks to me over the phone texting or talking when bored, stops by when bored, or stops by when it's convenient for her, like her mom works nearby my house, so she will stop by until her mom is off work or because she wanted to stop by because she was bored at home. OR she contacts me when she needs someone or a favor etc.

 

I have put up with her all this time but part of me wants to just cut ties. But what would you do? Would you remain friends with someone like this or cut them loose?

[aloneinaz]

I've simply never had patience for "friends at their convenience", period. There's too many good people out there who want to be quality friends and will jump through hoops for you at the same time.

 

I recently had this happen to me. An old friend moved back to town. Me and my GF helped her get situated, included her in our activities, had her over for dinner parties, etc.. Nothing was ever reciprocated. She was fantastic at taking but horrific at giving anything back in return. My GF was the first to point it out. I then noticed as well. Everything was on her terms and for her needs.

 

I had a conversation about it with her once, pointing out some of these not so good traits and she agreed. She then kept on doing the same things and me and my GF vanished from her life..

[whichwayisup]

Would you remain friends with someone like this? I have had this friend since middle school so about 13 years, and she usually just talks to me over the phone texting or talking when bored, stops by when bored, or stops by when it's convenient for her, like her mom works nearby my house, so she will stop by until her mom is off work or because she wanted to stop by because she was bored at home. OR she contacts me when she needs someone or a favor etc.

 

I have put up with her all this time but part of me wants to just cut ties. But what would you do? Would you remain friends with someone like this or cut them loose?

 

I'd say no to any favours asked and keep the contact casual. Don't answer your phone when she calls, or as soon as you realize it's her, just say actually I am busy right now, will call you back. Then don't.

 

She'll get the hint and just fade away.

[treehugger101]

I'd say no to any favours asked and keep the contact casual. Don't answer your phone when she calls, or as soon as you realize it's her, just say actually I am busy right now, will call you back. Then don't.

 

She'll get the hint and just fade away.

 

I have been avoiding some of her calls and texts and told her I have been busy when she asked to stop by. I am going to keep doing this.

[Ronni_W]

...or talking when bored, stops by when bored, or stops by when it's convenient for her, like her mom works nearby my house, so she will stop by until her mom is off work or because she wanted to stop by because she was bored at home. OR she contacts me when she needs someone or a favor etc.

On the other side, that she's contacting YOU when she's feeling bored means that she must think that you're exciting, or inspirational, or something like that, yes? Similarly, she must perceive you as reliable, trustworthy, someone she can count on.

 

Why not be assertive, and let her know how her words and actions are impacting you/making you feel? Your own actions that are intended to cause/force her to just "get the hint" that you want her to "fade away", are actually passive-aggressive. Which is fine, if that fits with your own image of yourself. But, from your post, you don't come across that way.

[Hawaii51]

Become unavailable by giving yourself as much attention as you give her. Crazy, right?

[Taramere]

I have put up with her all this time but part of me wants to just cut ties. But what would you do? Would you remain friends with someone like this or cut them loose?

 

I would lean on her a little. Provide her with the opportunity to do you a favour or let her know you need some emotional support over something (nothing too major and nothing that you would want to keep confidential), and see how she responds.

 

You might get a pleasant surprise and find that she actually welcomes the opportunity to "give something back" to you. It might deepen the friendship and bring more of a sense of equity to things if up until this point it's been very much a case of you giving and her taking.

 

If she reacts by drifting away, then I think you can cut her loose without having any regrets about it. But I would say that before you shut that door at least give her the opportunity, first, to be a supportive and giving friend to you.

[treehugger101]

That's the thing though, every time I ask her for a favor she doesn't come through. Like she told me her and I would go out to eat and that she was going to buy me a BDay gift neither ever happened.

 

She has been there for me during some hard times but lately she has just been bothering me with her wants and needs and favors etc.

[Popsicle]

Would you remain friends with someone like this? I have had this friend since middle school so about 13 years, and she usually just talks to me over the phone texting or talking when bored, stops by when bored, or stops by when it's convenient for her, like her mom works nearby my house, so she will stop by until her mom is off work or because she wanted to stop by because she was bored at home. OR she contacts me when she needs someone or a favor etc.

 

I have put up with her all this time but part of me wants to just cut ties. But what would you do? Would you remain friends with someone like this or cut them loose?

 

Yes, I have and it drove me crazy, not because I felt used, but because she wouldn't allow me enough alone time (which I need). I tried to ask her for that nicely several times, but she just ignored me, and then one day I snapped, and she never forgave me for that. She still holds a grudge about it. I do see that her level of comfort with me was a gift and I appreciated it and love her and her company, but at the same time, I needed just a little more space. I guess she took it as rejection. She hasn't forgiven me and it's been a year. She holds grudges for decades.

Edited May 25, 2015 by Popsicle

[fawnlawn]

I'd start saying no to favours and maybe point out how you're feeling if it's like she ignores you when you need a favour or are trying to hold a conversation with her. I live in an area that's pretty fast-paced and since many of us are just into college, don't have cars, etc. have friends that we see often, and friends that we hit up when we need something, are nearby, to invite to parties, etc. I guess overall it depends on how she reciprocates in the friendship and the frequency/seriousness of the favours she's asking!