How to stop friend's whining

[applej4]

I have a very good long-time friend who – as long as I’ve known her (over 20 yrs) – has been complaining about her relationship with her sister.

 

Keeping in mind that I’ve only heard one side, it appears that her sister is a user, has caused parents a lot of stress, has been married several times, has a shaky relationship with her adult kids, and frankly it seems friend and her sister just don’t like each other very much.

 

I thought friend had decided a few years ago to accept the fact that sister is never going to be the type of person friend wants her to be. But recently the complaining started up again. Friend sends emails about things her sister has done. When we are on the phone I NEVER ask how things are with sister – friend brings it up. To be honest, I’m tired of hearing about it.

 

Most recently friend’s sister had a fight with her adult daughter. So friend took it upon herself to call niece and recommend she make peace with her mother.

 

I am a straight-shooter. I said: “You were wrong to involve yourself in the conflict with your sister and her daughter. It’s not your business. I have a relative who did that to me several years ago (told me I should make peace with my brothers), and I cut them off. I told them they are clueless about the background, I don’t need their advice/approval and to mind their own business. They got insulted, and frankly I don’t care if I never see hear from them again.”

 

Anyway, changing the subject doesn't work. Other than saying “I don’t want to hear anymore about it” I’m not sure if there’s a way to stop friend’s whining about her sister.

[carhill]

If attempts at reasonable and healthy communication fail, simply distance yourself. Friends are always optional, even longtime friends. They can process this without the benefit of your sounding board since that's a privilege and evidently the current milieu is violating your boundaries.

[darkmoon]

whiners need to be told to stop

 

i used to be one and have had freinds who are, always thick-skinned, say to stop, tell her there is nothing you can do anyway, which some whiners resent, spoiled brats

 

they dump their misery on you, and you have nowhere to put it, heavy load

[preraph]

I have a friend who also complains about her sister, but it doesn't bother me. I just try to be a good friend and listen. It is different when it's family. You can rarely just get them out of your life. You have to learn to cope. My friend who does this has her own life, so that's not her problem. She complains about the situation because it gets really extreme at times.

 

But in some cases, a person may focus on another person because they really need to get out of the house and do things more, so my one suggestion to you would be to take her to do things. If she complains the whole time, tell her kindly, "Hey, today is for us to have fun and for you to stop focusing on your problems." If she persists, say, "Please don't ruin this outing by complaining the whole time. Try to have some fun and forget about it."

[applej4]

btw friend is very independent and does not live with any family members. I don't really need to "take" her out to do things....we meet at restaurants, etc. or she comes over to trim my kitty's nails (which is nice of her).In a way I think she's creating her own problem by butting into the problem with her sister and niece.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Oh man...I've known plenty of people who do this.

 

If you're a straight shooter than shoot her the facts; you're done hearing about the problems of someone you both know will never change.

 

I consider myself to be an amazing friend BUT I have boundaries if only to protect myself and preserve the mental space I've work so hard to be in these days.

 

I'm all for listening to a friend's problems be it their own or someone else who is affecting them and I'm even happier to offer a shoulder to cry on. Having said that, if/when someone continues to complain/whine/gossip/gripe/cry/worry whatever about the same thing over and over and over again I start to lose my patience.

 

My time is precious as is yours. I'm willing to give it to the people who value it just as I value the time they give me but don't abuse it. Those people can suck the life right out of you if it goes on for too long. I don't need that in my life anymore and I'm not afraid to distance people accordingly.

 

Just call it like you see it. If your friend doesn't comply then maybe it's time to put some distance for a while.

[minime13]

btw friend is very independent and does not live with any family members. I don't really need to "take" her out to do things....we meet at restaurants, etc. or she comes over to trim my kitty's nails (which is nice of her).In a way I think she's creating her own problem by butting into the problem with her sister and niece.

 

Okay, so do you dislike that your friend whines about her sister a lot, or do you dislike that your friend gave advice to her niece that you disapprove of?

[applej4]

Okay, so do you dislike that your friend whines about her sister a lot, or do you dislike that your friend gave advice to her niece that you disapprove of?

 

My opinion of the advice is irrelevant. I dislike 1) friend's whining and 2) (as I already said) I REALLY dislike that friend butted in a situation that is none of her business. She needs to stay completely out of it, especially since neither asked for her help.

[minime13]

My opinion of the advice is irrelevant. I dislike 1) friend's whining and 2) (as I already said) I REALLY dislike that friend butted in a situation that is none of her business. She needs to stay completely out of it, especially since neither asked for her help.

 

I don't think it's completely irrelevant, as it struck a nerve with you. That's why I was wondering - if it is really just about her whining about her sister all the time, or if there is more to it that you need to work out with your friend.

 

If just about the whining - tell her you don't want to hear it anymore. If she persists, then distance yourself. I've done that with friends and family members before. Usually they get it.

[applej4]

It 'struck a nerve' with me because I can't stand it when people butt in/insert themselves in a conflict between other people that is none of their business. I've had it happen and (as I already said) it did not end well. That aside, yes, if she keeps whining I'll distance myself.

[SpiralOut]

Either fade her out or tell her straight up that you don't want to hear about her sister anymore. I've had friends like that in the past who I faded out. Sometimes I wonder if it would have helped to be honest with them. They seemed pretty fragile at the time so I guess that's why I didn't say anything.

 

 

I also have moments where I complain too much. I wasn't aware of how bad it was until a friend exploded at me one day. Since then, I've been more aware of it and cut back on it. It helps me to be a better friend to other people. Saying something may actually be doing her a favour.

[whichwayisup]

 

Anyway, changing the subject doesn't work. Other than saying “I don’t want to hear anymore about it” I’m not sure if there’s a way to stop friend’s whining about her sister.

 

You've known her for a long time so be honest and smile, tell her "I can't hear you complain about your sister anymore, it's driving me nuts. I love you and wish I could help you but nothing is getting solved by complaining." Some friends can take a hard kick in the butt and understand, even if feelings are hurt, they get it. Hopefully she will get it and drop it once and for all.