I'm in a major dilemma, and a friend is getting married soon; what would you do?

[sunrise24]

Hi everyone, I'm back after a months-long hiatus.

My dilemma involves a group of friends I've written about in two previous topics.

 

Here is the background information:

 

> Part 1

> Part 2

 

A bunch of people weighed in, most notably CC12 and preraph. The overall conclusion was that the "friend in question" is a control freak who doesn't care about my feelings or boundaries, and I therefore should not be friends with him. I implemented No Contact with him. Problem solved, right?

It's not that simple, which brings me to Part 3...

 

***

 

In early August of last year, I unexpectedly ran into the fiancee of one of the mutual friends (I've known her since 9th grade); this put me back into contact with all 3 friends (including the "friend in question").

We had 3 get-togethers, one for each of the 3 friends' birthdays (one in August, the other two in November).

 

In December, the "friend in question" invited me to his store so I could meet up with a big client of his who would have a promising work opportunity for me, but he changed the details on me several times at the last minute, when I had other commitments earlier that day. Hence, the meetup fell through; the "friend in question" proceeded to berate me quite severely, placing the blame squarely on me. I haven't spoken to him since.

 

***

 

Here's the main problem: The mutual friends and the fiancee know what I've been through with the "friend in question," but they continue to act as if he still cares about me and I should still be friends with him.

So, although there's compelling evidence that the "friend in question" and I are not capable of being friends, the mutual friends keep bringing him up every time they invite me to a get-together. It's as if they don't want me to let him go.

 

The wedding of one of the mutual friends is this August, and I've expressed my interest in attending, to be there for the mutual friend and his fiancee; it's their day to be celebrated. However, I'm trying to understand how my relationships with the mutual friends can be sustainable long-term (or even if it's possible). Yes, the "friend in question" is going to be attending the wedding.

 

***

 

Today, I decided to text the mutual friend who is getting married:

 

Me: I have a very important question for you.

Mutual friend: What is the question?

Me: Do you acknowledge that [friend in question] and I are incapable of being friends?

Mutual friend: Let me put it this way... if [friend in question] treated me the way he treats you, I would not be his friend. However, I don't think this is an impossible friendship.

Me: Look, you haven't had the struggles I've had, and been approached to do his bidding the way I have.

Mutual friend: Yes. Regardless, his behavior should not be any different in my opinion, compared to how he treats [other mutual friend] and I.

Me: "You need us, not we need you." That was one of his statements to me, *verbatim*, when I was trying to reason with him and reach some kind of resolution after that failed meetup at his store months back.

Me: Think about that for a moment. Is that how you treat someone who you consider a true friend? Has he ever spoken to you or [other mutual friend] like *that* before?

Mutual friend: If he changes... it could work. Otherwise, it will not.

Me: If he changes? Come on. I've been hearing about how he's a "changed man" for almost 3 years, ever since his ex broke up with him.

Me: So, that's the problem: in his mind, I do not deserve the same level of respect that you and [other mutual friend] are granted.

Mutual friend: Perhaps.

Me: And yet, at least according to you and [other mutual friend], I am "one of The Crew," right?

 

I haven't received any further response yet. But so far, I don't feel like the mutual friend has been adequately addressing my concerns.

The other mutual friend also said he would be giving me a call later, but hasn't done so yet.

 

***

 

What are your thoughts on the relationship dynamics between me and the 3 friends + fiancee? What would you do if you were in my situation? Would you attend the wedding?

Edited May 20, 2015 by sunrise24

[preraph]

I don't know why they're standing up for this guy. How can they not see he's messed up? Is he THAT entertaining despite being messed up that they just like his personality that much? Is her their source of women or drugs? Does he have something on them? Are they just that easy going?

 

All I can tell you is the only person you can control is yourself. You probably will have to encounter this crazy ahole from time to time. But you don't have to get personal with him. You can treat him like an acquaintance you're not particularly fond of and excuse yourself and walk away.

 

If he's still trying to circle that poor woman, he really does need help, but it's help you can't give him. He needs a pro.

 

I seem to remember this girl he stalks doesn't talk to you because she thinks you're still friends with him. Is that still the case? I wonder what all he's been doing to drive her crazy, but I guess if it never reached the point she reported him to the police in all this time, maybe he won't at least completely go off and do something terrible. Not much comfort, but it has been awhile this has been going on.

Edited May 20, 2015 by preraph

[anna121]

What are your thoughts on the relationship dynamics between me and the 3 friends + fiancee?

 

Um. Weird?

 

What would you do if you were in my situation?

 

Run.

 

Would you attend the wedding?

 

Not for love or money.

 

I've read all three threads btw.

[CC12]

I haven't received any further response yet. But so far, I don't feel like the mutual friend has been adequately addressing my concerns.

 

How do you want him to address your concerns? What would be adequate to you? I mean, he acknowledged that Friend in Question is not a good friend to you and needs to change. You want them to pick sides? Your following statement sounds like you do:

 

Me: And yet, at least according to you and [other mutual friend], I am "one of The Crew," right?

 

You've got to be careful not to ask them to do that. It's pretty unfair. If two of my friends were feuding (or whatever you want to call it) I'd be more likely to side with the person who didn't try to force me to get involved and choose a side.

 

Your mutual friend is trying to be tactful, I gather. He's purposely not talking **** about FiQ while still agreeing with your general opinion of him.

 

So, although there's compelling evidence that the "friend in question" and I are not capable of being friends, the mutual friends keep bringing him up every time they invite me to a get-together. It's as if they don't want me to let him go.

 

In what manner do they bring him up? Does he just come up in conversation about other topics, like, "Such and such happened, and FiQ happened to be there" or is it "You should really consider trying to be friends again"? If it's the former, there's not much you can do about that. Just learn to deal with it. If it's the latter, just politely ask them to stop trying to convince you. Tell them, "If it happens, it happens. I appreciate your efforts." And then stop bringing it up with them. All of this drama is between you and FiQ. Your mutual friends don't need to be involved.

 

And yes, of course you should attend the wedding.

[sunrise24]

preraph:

Most likely, it's because the FiQ is very entertaining and charismatic, and the mutual friends are relatively easygoing.

 

As for the FiQ's ex, the mutual friend getting married gave me some updates during our August get-together. The ex filed a restraining order against FiQ; apparently, he hadn't stopped pursuing her. He hired a lawyer to get the restraining order overturned, but the lawyer told him it was not going to work. Only then did the FiQ stop his pursuit.

 

 

CC12:

Here's the deal: I've never been able to get back in contact with the mutual friends without ending up back in contact with the FiQ, either because they invite me to a get-together and mention that the FiQ is going to be there, or I agree to go with the mutual friends and end up seeing the FiQ.

 

A couple more recent examples:

> The mutual friend getting married invited me to dinner, saying:

"would you like to have dinner with me, [FiQ] and [other mutual friend]?"

I was able to politely decline because the other mutual friend had told me he was going to be unavailable, and I said I would be unavailable.

> The other mutual friend invited me to the movies, saying:

"would you like to catch a movie on Tuesday evening with me and [FiQ]? I know how you feel about [FiQ], but it would just be for one night."

I was able to sidestep this and politely decline because I happened to have work scheduled for that time.

 

If I simply say nothing about the FiQ, they will sooner or later ask me how things are between me and him. It's inevitable. The way I would like my concerns addressed, what would be adequate to me:

They will surely have the courtesy now to keep your get-togethers separate from the ones they have with him.

is like ^that.^

 

That being said, I'm thinking of trying the less intense approach of politely requesting that they not convince me to continue associating with him while appreciating their efforts, as you've described.

 

So, it's not that I want the mutual friends getting involved or picking sides, but that I hope to be able to remain friends with them without any peer pressure to keep the FiQ involved in my life.

A few months ago, I had told the other mutual friend, who indicated that he would help me prepare for the wedding, that I do not want any more help from the FiQ in any way; he seemed okay with that.

Edited May 20, 2015 by sunrise24

[Diezel]

Life is too short to be dealing with all of this.

Anyone who is toxic or keeps insisting as much as they all do, should have no place in your life.

[CC12]

I don't think they are being rude or inconsiderate by inviting you to group outings that FiQ will be attending. And based on your examples, I don't think they're necessarily trying to convince you to be friends with him, either. They're staying the hell out of it, inviting everyone in the group, and not excluding anyone. That is more than okay for them to do.

 

You can ask them to stop inviting you to things if they're also inviting FiQ. This is kind of a lot to ask though, and it may result in them not inviting you to anything anymore. They can try fussing and fretting over which one of you to invite to what group outing, but if he's in closer contact with them or if he's fun and charismatic, they're going to eventually kind of default to just inviting him because it's simpler and you're the one with the problem, after all. I know you have legitimate issues with him and your friends acknowledge that, but if he doesn't care who comes along and he's never asked them not to invite you to stuff, then he's just the easier option and you're out. If you're okay with that, then fine.

 

If you want to stay in contact with the part of the group that you like, you should start planning and organizing events with them and invite only the people you want.

[sunrise24]

Update

 

The wedding invitation arrived in my mailbox earlier today; I immediately informed the mutual friends:

 

Me: I got the wedding invitation and RSVP'ed on the website.

Mutual friend getting married: Great. Thanks [my name]. How are you?

Mutual friend getting married: Sorry to see you will not make it.

Me: I still have too many problems to resolve; you'll be better off without me.

Mutual friend getting married: Sorry about that. [fiancee's name] and I will miss you.

 

 

I decided to just leave the discussion at that; he took it better than I anticipated. I haven't heard back from the other mutual friend yet.

[sunrise24]

Updates:

 

I have resolved my dilemma.

 

The wedding was today. As I knew would be the case, I was not there. Instead, I closed out my first week at my new job with a long, solid shift.

I changed my number shortly after I got the invitation, effectively implementing No Contact with both mutual friends and the now-wife as well; I’ve already had No Contact with the FiQ for ~8 months.

 

Also, the now-married mutual friend’s birthday is on Monday; even though I have long memorized his number, I have no intention of contacting him him.

 

Never for one moment have I regretted my decision to be absent from the wedding and subsequently cut all ties with that entire network; this has enabled me to end over 8 years of unsustainable relationship dynamics, freeing me to further solidify my focus on rebuilding my own life.

Even though I have been living in my car for the better part of 6 weeks (that’s a topic for another thread if anyone is curious enough), I sleep clearly every night.

 

***

 

preraph:

Essentially, the mutual friends are loyal to the FiQ. Any attempt to extract a logical explanation is an exercise in futility.

 

Remember chelsea 2011? You and her complemented each others’ insight beautifully.

 

Also:

Since he's gone behind your back and tricked people into getting your new number...

Since our discussion in part 1, I have come to understand that not only were the mutual friends not tricked; they catered to the FiQ’s desire to get me back. The married mutual friend, in effect, used my mother, so that they all could directly contact me again.

 

anna121:

Weird is an understatement; these relationship dynamics have been one-sided from the beginning, and as long as I remain in contact with any of them, the peer pressure to let the FiQ back into my life will continue. The only way to stop the peer pressure? You said it: run.

 

CC12:

While I strongly disagree with your assessment of the mutual friends (in late June, the other mutual friend told me during a phone conversation that I should live with the FiQ, after I updated him on my continuing struggles), you did make another key statement regarding the nature of the relationship dynamics:

If he's in closer contact with them or if he's fun and charismatic, they're going to eventually kind of default to just inviting him because it's simpler... he's just the easier option and you're out.

 

It’s that simple; I no longer feel any sense of belonging with them.

 

Diezel:

You summed up my gut feeling beautifully.

Life is indeed too short. I was 19 when these “friendships” began; I’ll soon be 28. That is a very long time to be immersed in unsustainable relationships.

 

***

 

I've had a few conversations with my mother about these relationship dynamics. She now understands that the married mutual friend, who messaged her on Facebook in Jan. 2014 to ask her how to contact me (which led to the creation of this series in the first place), was being used by the FiQ, so he could work his way back into my life. She told me that had she known at the time, she wouldn’t have given the mutual friend my contact info; she has assured me that she won’t be making that mistake again.

 

If my mother knew then what she knows now, it’s very likely that I never would have reestablished contact with anyone in “The Crew” in Jan. 2014, and this series consequently might have never materialized.

 

***

 

The next time the mutual friends or the wife come reaching out to me or my mother, they will, to put it optimistically, have an extremely difficult time getting back into my life.

 

Once upon a time, when I was younger, woefully naive, and lacking in self worth, I considered The Crew to be my best friends, and trusted them above all others to have my back. Since then, I have learned to be my own best friend and sieze my own opportunities.

 

Moving forward, I have decided that making friends can wait until I have the ability to pay my own way and financially contribute everywhere I go. I strongly believe that money buys the freedom to enjoy mutually beneficial relationships.

[whichwayisup]

Even though I have been living in my car for the better part of 6 weeks (that’s a topic for another thread if anyone is curious enough), I sleep clearly every night.

 

Please, do a thread. I hope you're okay.

 

As for your decision not to attend the wedding? GOOD FOR YOU that you've figured out not be around people who make you feel uneasy, bad or unhappy. Those people are toxic and not your friends. Real friends who love and care about you don't make you feel like shi.t ever!! They enhance your life and make you feel happy and comfortable.

[anna121]

Very glad to read about your steps to cut contact with them and that you did not attend.

 

Please do open a thread about your financial/accommodation situation!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sunrise24, I haven't read the back story to this thread or all the posts on it so far.

 

I can tell you, though, that how a person treats you has very little to do with who you are and is all about who that person is.

 

A person treats you the way they treat you because of who they are, not who you are.

 

It is only a matter of time until the "friend" who treated you badly will treat the others the same way.

 

Also, birds of a feather flock together so if these other friends stick with this errant friend long term they're probably not the best prospects for continued friendships for you.

[preraph]

I'm really glad you got your mother in your corner now. Yes, you're right. FiQ was using the crew to do his bidding and it was okay with them. I can only imagine what the poor ex-gf has been going through if he has put you through this much. I can't believe that once they learned she had to get a restraining order, they didn't back off him. It only further validates that you are doing the right thing separating from all of them. What kind of people would support him stalking that girl like that? Nobody with a brain or any compassion.

 

I truly hope he violates the restraining order and gets thrown in jail. But the truth is that they wouldn't keep him long.

 

Dealing with this at the same time as being broke is such a shame. I know you'll get back on your feet soon. Maybe once you get money flowing again, you can start looking for a roommate, and if you're careful who you choose, maybe that will also be your new best friend. Keep us posted! Sending my best thoughts your way.

[sunrise24]

Updates:

 

The married [ex] mutual friend’s birthday has just passed. As I intended, I did not contact him, or even think about him (his wife’s birthday was almost 2 weeks ago, and I did not contact or think about her either).

 

From The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide (although it's not all-new anymore and I haven't seen a 2015 version):

A question we get asked a lot is: 'what about Birthdays?'

Yeah, right. What about them?

Just another day, just another situation to completely and utterly ignore.

Do not ever send any form of Birthday wish (just another excuse to cling to them), and do not respond to anything they send you (just more breadcrumbs rubbish).

So it was - just another day of moneymaking, running errands, and continuing my rebuilding.

 

I won't be hearing a peep from them for my upcoming birthday either, nor do I have any such need.

Edited August 11, 2015 by sunrise24