leaving the door open for reconciliation?

[d0nnivain]

A friend got married recently. After firing her wedding planner 2 weeks before the wedding, she asked me to step in as day of coordinator & I stupidly said yes.

 

The bride had been a horror show for months before the wedding: Moody, demanding, nasty, etc. We'd been friends for 40 years. She has always been a bit jealous of me & we're both Big Personalities. We fight like sisters. However I tried to chalk it up to all the stress she was under: getting married, moving & getting a new job.

 

She also asked me to do a professional favor for her. I tried to beg off because it's outside my area of expertise. She cried poverty & said she couldn't afford to get it done if I didn't do it for free so I relented & said OK. As we tried to progress through this project she yelled conflicting things at me: mostly that I wasn't keeping her adequately informed about what was going on but also that I was bombarding her at work with too much info. What was happening in real time needed to be address in real time if I was to meet the artificially short unrealistic deadline she set. When she complained I said you can have it on time but you have to talk to me during the work day or you can talk to me after work only but you will need to push the deadline back about a month. She continued to insist she wanted both.

 

The project was about to end. I emailed her documents, told her to print them, sign them & Fed Ex them back to me for morning delivery. She went on a rant & refused to do that saying I should have prepared the documents weeks earlier & not rushed her. Standard industry procedure is that the documents were not reviewed & approved by the other side until when I sent them to her. She would not pick up the phone to talk to me. I tried to transfer the matter to a professional colleague to take all the emotion out of it. She rejected that transfer & fired me insisting she'd do it herself just like she did everything else.

 

On her wedding day I also paid one of her vendors out of my own pocket because her then FI now husband had the money but was in the shower. The vendor needed to leave. When I asked her later for the money she screamed that I ruined her wedding by paying the vendor. She claims I paid the vendor after being told not to. She never told me not to pay the vendor and that I intentionally ruined everything to spite her.

 

Her whole family apologized to me for how horribly she treated me during her wedding. It was appalling.

 

She has since blocked me on FB. Again, it's FB. Who cares? Part of me wants to delete her out of my entire life but another part knows that when she calms down, eventually she may get around to apologizing. As far as I'm concerned, I can never trust her again but I don't want to put our mutual friends in the middle in case we have to interact in the future. I would be open to accepting an apology but that's it.

 

Maybe I just want to be proven right.

 

Is there anything I can or should do? I'm trying to let it go. It's been about 10 days but the horrible abuse still hurts.

[Art_Critic]

Do you really need this person in your life.. good grief the amount of shiot you took from her... don't look back and honestly if you get a chance unload on her and let her have a piece of your mind.. stress isn't an excuse for eff'ng over a 40 year friend..

Is it repairable.. I wouldn't want to repair it, she at any one given time could NOT have said or done the things she did but she did them.. and not just one thing..

 

Wow...

[d0nnivain]

No but I do want to be right. I wish there was a way I could make her see how awful she was.

 

Logically I know that is not possible but it's still what I want: vindication.

 

I am trying to let it go but it's hard.

[Methodical]

A person with that kind of attitude and that much aggression can't possibly hide it from others. Mutual "friends" probably feel the same way you do and I doubt they'd feel "put in the middle" if you decide to delete her.

 

An apology would certainly be an acknowledgement of her vile behavior and validate your feelings but what has been done can't be erased. You know in your heart you are right. You say you'll never trust her again and you shouldn't. She's a person to be kept at arm's length, if that close. Sounds like the only thing you would be losing by cutting ties with her is unnecessary grief and heartache. Some people simply aren't worthy of our time, affection, and friendship.

[preraph]

She crossed the line way too many times for a single apology to fly with me. Sounds like she made a mess of her wedding, probably got way out of her budget and then decided to fix it by not paying people. And I'm assuming this is the same friend who also invited that old enemy of yours and shows you no respect in that regard. Sounds to me like the two have plenty in common with each other. I don't see how an apology fixes anything here. She was consistently unreasonable and mean about it.

[d0nnivain]

She crossed the line way too many times for a single apology to fly with me. Sounds like she made a mess of her wedding, probably got way out of her budget and then decided to fix it by not paying people. And I'm assuming this is the same friend who also invited that old enemy of yours and shows you no respect in that regard. Sounds to me like the two have plenty in common with each other. I don't see how an apology fixes anything here. She was consistently unreasonable and mean about it.

 

Yes it was the same friend. And yes, her wedding went way over budget.

 

I don't understand what you meant in the highlighted sentence though. She & I have a long shared history. We can both be stubborn but what are you seeing in me, through my posts her, that indicates to you that she & I have "plenty in common with each other"? I don't think I have ever been that nasty to anybody, certainly not somebody who was trying to help me.

[Methodical]

I think Preraph is referring to the wedding friend and the enemy

[d0nnivain]

I think Preraph is referring to the wedding friend and the enemy

 

 

Thank you. Even highlighting it I missed that it was "the two". I though preraph wrote "you two" meaning me & the bride.

 

Ironically the other woman was extremely deferential to me at the wedding.

[Methodical]

Thank you. Even highlighting it I missed that it was "the two". I though preraph wrote "you two" meaning me & the bride.

 

Ironically the other woman was extremely deferential to me at the wedding.

 

You're welcome. You'd have done the same for me so that I wasn't left wondering.

[preraph]

Yes it was the same friend. And yes, her wedding went way over budget.

 

I don't understand what you meant in the highlighted sentence though. She & I have a long shared history. We can both be stubborn but what are you seeing in me, through my posts her, that indicates to you that she & I have "plenty in common with each other"? I don't think I have ever been that nasty to anybody, certainly not somebody who was trying to help me.

 

I didn't mean you and her. I meant her and the girl you consider your enemy. They both sound a bit frenetic and like they create chaos sometimes. If the one with the wedding is keeping the one you really don't like much around, on some level, she must endorse her behavior.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not closing any doors, except FB.

 

We have no reasons to interact in the future. She now lives on the other side of the country. I will never go there. On the odd chance she comes home, it's unlikely she will reach out. There's a remote possibility that she will be on a friend's birthday cruise in the fall but I doubt it. She hates cruises.

[lemoncello]

 

Her whole family apologized to me for how horribly she treated me during her wedding. It was appalling.

 

She has since blocked me on FB. Again, it's FB. Who cares? Part of me wants to delete her out of my entire life but another part knows that when she calms down, eventually she may get around to apologizing. As far as I'm concerned, I can never trust her again but I don't want to put our mutual friends in the middle in case we have to interact in the future. I would be open to accepting an apology but that's it.

 

Maybe I just want to be proven right.

 

Is there anything I can or should do? I'm trying to let it go. It's been about 10 days but the horrible abuse still hurts.

 

Yikes. Your friend acted like a total Bridezilla. She could have been on that cable tv show by the same name.

 

So, your friend's family apologized for her behavior, but all she's done is to block on you Facebook? Talk about no accountability.

 

No, you can't trust your friend again. And just because you've known each other for 40 years doesn't mean you are required to put up with that kind of abuse.

 

I don't think you should wait for her to apologize to you. Why do you need to be proven right? Her behavior already did that for you. Someone like that doesn't apologize. They blame others for their behavior. It's who they are at their core.

 

Is there anything you can do? Grieve the end of this 40 year friendship and notify your mutual friends that the friendship with her is over once you decide that it is. Some will be shocked, some won't. Some will gossip, some won't. People are people. Don't leave your mutual friends in the dark once you decide to cut strings with your friend. They'll find out the next time you are both invited to a mutual gathering anyway. Might as well nip it in the bud now. I'm sure most of them will understand. And if any don't understand, who cares. It's your life.

[coryreply]

Wow. I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that drama. Her behavior was certainly out of line and quite extreme.

 

When I've been mistreated by someone, especially a friend, I try to leave that door open. I'm a forgiving person. If they come to me and apologize for what they said or what they did, I'm always willing to forgive them. The hurt does change the nature of the relationship, but I never withhold my forgiveness.

 

I hope for her sake she comes to her senses soon. Good, loyal friends are hard to come by.

[lemoncello]

I must be more close minded than most when it comes to toxic friendships. If my friend had done what d0nnivain's friend did, I would have slammed the door on that friendship forever, especially if they lived halfway across the country.

 

If a friend were to take advantage of me, berate, gaslight, or betray me, then it's "sayonara zetsoubou-sensei" (goodbye mr. despair). Why waste time on people like that -- especially the type who have big/strong personalities.

 

I am forgiving to a certain degree, but have low threshold when it comes to abusive behavior like d0n's friend displayed especially when there's money involved.

 

Neither a borrower or lender be especially with friends, even if that friend is in a real or imagined financial crisis. Anything that I've ever lent to friends, I've never had returned to me. Lesson learned. So I don't lend people anything anymore and if they don't like that, too bad.

 

I do empathize with you d0nnivain, but I don't know why you'd want to keep the door open to this friendship after what she did to you. You are a better person than I am.

[d0nnivain]

I do empathize with you d0nnivain, but I don't know why you'd want to keep the door open to this friendship after what she did to you. You are a better person than I am.

 

The money is actually the least of my concerns.

 

I'm not a better person because really I would love to see karma bite her in the ass but I am so baffled by her animus.

 

I will never need her the way she has needed me in the past (& probably the future) but it's a loss if for no other reason then the shared history. She has been a part of 80% of my life. It's odd. . . unsettling . . . that it's over. Intellectually I understand it has to be because she has been so awful. I don't think my poor husband would be as supportive if I let her **** all over me again but it is a loss & I'm still processing.

[lemoncello]

The money is actually the least of my concerns.

 

I'm not a better person because really I would love to see karma bite her in the ass but I am so baffled by her animus.

 

I will never need her the way she has needed me in the past (& probably the future) but it's a loss if for no other reason then the shared history. She has been a part of 80% of my life. It's odd. . . unsettling . . . that it's over. Intellectually I understand it has to be because she has been so awful. I don't think my poor husband would be as supportive if I let her **** all over me again but it is a loss & I'm still processing.

 

No, I understand. Someone who was part of 80% and 40 years of your life is a lot of shared history. That isn't easy to let go of, or forget. There is pain involved because of the loss. So, everything that you're experiencing after-the-fact is a natural reaction.

 

Well, karma isn't what happens to you or about what goes around comes around. Karma is a habit; it's the result of the choices we make. Karma has nothing to do with what other people do to us. So, as I have come to understand it, karma is the consequence of your actions, which is not the same as 'what goes around comes around.' Karma isn't about retribution.

 

Your friend behaved the way she did because of her choices. That's who she is at her core. Just as you stepped in to help her, because that's who you are at your core. The consequences of both your and your friend's choices is the end of the friendship. Your friend's karma or habit is to take advantage of people. Whereas your habit is to take care of people. Does that make any sense at all? I don't know if I am explaining that very clearly.

[todreaminblue]

hey donnivain.....what was the friendship like before the wedding was in the picture..what was she like as a person....towards you ...deb

[d0nnivain]

Your friend behaved the way she did because of her choices. That's who she is at her core. Just as you stepped in to help her, because that's who you are at your core. The consequences of both your and your friend's choices is the end of the friendship. Your friend's karma or habit is to take advantage of people. Whereas your habit is to take care of people. Does that make any sense at all? I don't know if I am explaining that very clearly.

 

You explained it very clearly. I'm not sure I agree with you because I still think karma is what comes around goes around but you gave me something else to think about.

 

hey donnivain.....what was the friendship like before the wedding was in the picture..what was she like as a person....towards you ...deb

 

It wasn't perfect. She changed & became bitter about 10+ years ago. She had a tough life but I always told her I admired her for overcoming all that adversity & putting herself through college & raising two great kids as a single mom. When she met her now husband she became a little happier but her whole engagement she was difficult again always complaining about all the pressures.

 

In 2012 when my dad died, she let me stay at her house for a week when mine had no power after a hurricane but I brought a freezer full of food; cooked breakfast & dinner for her & the boys every day; drove her sons to PA to get gas during the shortage; and then fought to get her son unemployment benefits after he was fired for cause because he didn't report to work as a pizza delivery person when he had no gas in his car because he didn't fill up before the storm. She never said thank you for helping her kids.

 

I honestly don't remember the last time she called me just to talk or to spend time. It was always I have a problem, can you help and I always did. When my dad was alive, she was sweet to him when she saw him because he was her GodFather. Part of me feels like she's insulting her GodParents my late parents by being so mean to me.

 

I was emotionally prepared for the fade out. I knew that if she couldn't be bothered with me when we were 20 minutes apart, there was no way she was going to make the effort from the other side of the country but this nasty break still hurts.

[preraph]

Sorry you lost this old friend. But she's changed. She's not who she used to be. She was really nasty to you and sounds like others. Good thing she has a husband to go to.

[d0nnivain]

Ugh Oh.

 

I got a letter in today's mail addressed to me. . . .sort of. Instead of my real first name or preferred nick name it's addressed to a shortened version of my real name that she knows I hate & that she has never called me. That alone is telling.

 

It was also mis-addressed. I have lived here for 10 years but she got the house # wrong. Then again she got it wrong (but a different wrong #) when she sent the invitation to the wedding.

 

I'm too scared / nervous to open it. I will make DH open it when he gets home. I know that is stupid but just seeing the letter has made me start shaking because it's re-opening the wound. I also know I will have to send her a check back . . . assuming it even contains money because some of the people who got their hair done sent me their share of the vendor's fee.

 

I am assuming she sent this now because the deal she fired me from finally went through.

[preraph]

Well, I hope the letter isn't too hurtful, though if it is, at least you won't be feeling guilty for leaving her behind.

 

I am on the outs with one of my friends from 35 years ago too, the narcissistic bipolar one that lives out of town. She has always been unreliable, but I just got pretty fed up with it recently when she called at the last minute finding out she had a layover but she had no plan whatever and just wanted me to come out there in the middle of the night and wait and I fished around asking if she needed a place to sleep or anything before saying no, thank you. She is just so disorganized. She misses flights all the time.

Anyway, she lets me know some time later she ended up meeting a stranger on the plane and riding to Austin with her (this is not where she lives or was going). I said "Well, then I'm glad I didn't go out there and wait around for you." And she's mad now. I followed up telling her "Hey, I'm an old lady now. I'm in bed watching tv by 10." This is a woman who rarely sleeps. I know she's mad. I've always forgiven her shenanigans but that doesn't mean I have to buy into them when it inconveniences me. I told her I always would love to see her but that it really needed to be during the day and not at rush hour. She's always wanting me to drive 40-60 miles to meet her. So she mentions she'll be at a wedding by her brother's home which is 45 miles away in June and maybe I can meet her in that town then. And I was just fed up and told her, We already had this conversation another time when I told you I would meet you at the only place I know how to get to and from over there and you said it was to far from your brother's house. She wants me to drive 45 miles but she won't drive 5 miles across town.

 

So it's been radio silence ever since. If I hear her husband died, I'll try to just go there, but if she doesn't tell me, I may not know. I've tried to be very patient because it has been stressful for her the last few years.

 

I haven't seen her in about 10-12 years now. We were very close.

[d0nnivain]

preraph

 

I'm sure it's a check & nothing else. But it still hurts.

 

I hope your friend grows up & realizes that you are a gem but like my situation I suspect that is unlikely.

[d0nnivain]

So the letter did contain a check with another nasty gram telling me to go F myself & to never speak to her family again. She also wrote never call me again in the memo portion of the check.

 

What a psycho. I am starting to move from bewildered hurt to annoyance that this crazy woman is still in my life because she sent me too much money. I borrowed an envelope from the bank to send the overpayment back on the theory that she might open something that is not my return address.

 

I've had chest pain & anxiety from all the stress she is causing. The sickest part if I didn't even do what she's mad about -- ruin her wedding. First it was a lovely wedding but 2nd how the <bleep> could I have ruined her wedding by paying a vendor?

[preraph]

She's really irrational. But I'd have kept the overage! She clearly is clueless with money and about business which is probably what started this entire s**t ball rolling downhill.

 

Can you imagine what a crap honeymoon she and the new husband must be having with her in this tailspin?

[d0nnivain]

They didn't go on a HM -- no money / no time.

 

I also just got an email from her -- granted it was a group thing --asking me to donate $100 to sponsor her in some charity race she's doing. God forgive me I hope she blows out her bad knee again doing this.