Why does he disappear every now and then?

[elanue]

Hi everyone, I am so clueless and I'd really appreciate your help.

 

I have a pretty close friend that I've known for a few years, and while we've always been friends, I have had more feelings for him on and off. We've always hung out in a group, so we'd never be alone. But I really like this guy and I'm always having a great time with him. We tease, playfully fight and have a lot of fun together. So a while ago we actually hung out (he suggested it), just the two of us, and I had a great time. But I haven't heard from him since, and it's been almost a week. We didn't say we were supposed to keep in touch or anything, but he kind of just vanished. We said goodbye, he gave me this funny look as I walked away, and that's it.

 

We have this group chat that he used to be very active in, but now he's ignoring the whole group after our meeting? He isn't even reading the texts. I am so confused. I've never wanted to let my feelings for him show, because I don't want to ruin our friendship. So I hope he's not ignoring the group because of me. Nothing happened while we hung out, so it shouldn't bother him.

 

I know my friend is a bit special, he has said he often gets bored with people and can't hang out with people too often or they'll annoy him. I am aware of this and make sure to give him the space he needs. I rarely text him and I don't comment on his behavior. I don't fully understand it, but I respect it. The thing is, this behavior makes me so confused. Sometimes he seems really into meeting me/my other friends, making lots of plans, and then he disappears for a week and isn't contactable? I have no idea why. I get why some guys do this when they're dating someone, for the attention, but friends? What attention is there to get from a bunch of friends?

 

Does anybody understand this behavior? How he thinks? I really feel it would help me to understand him more, and stop thinking that I did something wrong. I can't ask him, because he's a bit secretive... A very mysterious man indeed.

[elaine567]

Keep him as a friend if you must but DO NOT get involved with him. Sounds like you could spend years having nice days together, and then spend days and weeks in hell wondering where he has disappeared to.

Goodness knows why he disappears, he may need space, he may have family problems, he may be mentally ill, he may have an addiction problem, he may be a player. Who knows?

BUT one thing is certain, he is not a candidate for a good relationship.

[preraph]

Why do you think it's weird that a friend would not be in contact for a week? That seems perfectly normal for a friend. The problem is that you're putting too much thought into this because you are trying to view him as a potential boyfriend and trying to see any of his actions as leading to that. He's just a dude with other things going on and you are one of his many friends.

[elanue]

It's not really about not being in contact, it's about ignoring attempts at being in contact. It's like he decides to ignore us all for a week, there's no way to reach him, and then he comes back all happy and talkative. He does this rather frequently. I have no other friends who are like this. But you're right about me putting too much thought into it. I'm trying to just see him as a friend, as I know he's not the right guy for me, but it's hard at times.

Edited May 5, 2015 by elanue

[DJOkawari]

Ah, I feel like you just described me 100%. I'll give a contrasting post to elaine567 as I really don't see myself as such a heinous person.

 

My reasons and his reasons are probably different, but I'll project for a second. I don't think he's doing it for attention or because he dislikes you or your friends. It's just he does what he wants and it doesn't bother him to be that way. He really wishes other people would understand or at least just be happy when he's around and when he's not. The whole, ignore people for a while thing...it's more like I just don't feel like responding yet...but I do really like them. I'm just off in my own world often times. A lot of my friendships are really intense for a short period of time, then a bit of a hiatus and then that intensity again. I think that's simply because I never feel like our bond is ever weakened or lost even while we're apart. I don't think we need to keep reminding each other that we're friends all the time.

 

 

On a side note, I think this quote is a great insight because all of these things really apply to me:

 

he may need space, he may have family problems, he may be mentally ill, he may have an addiction problem, he may be a player

 

I love my space. I love my self-directed exploration of the world. I love self improvement. I definitely have family problems. I don't think I'm mentally ill but I do see a therapist mostly just because I can (I think it is helping me grow) and also because people say I'm atypical (in a good way...they say).

Drugs are just another experience, I think everyone should try them and finally, I had a girlfriend up until recently and she was fairly convinced I was a player. I'm not, I never was, but I can see how she ended up thinking that. My remedy was to be completely 100% open with everything with her and it worked for a while.

 

Either way I don't think you should evaluate his potential as a friend or a boyfriend that way. He did invite you to hang out alone. At that moment, he was interested in you, alone.

 

The only thing I would advise you on is to determine if he's the type of person who just oscillates between things to keep himself interested or if he does that more as exploration while also having a core group of things he is interested in all the time. Signs of that would be marked dedication to people/hobbies/events/ideas. If it is the latter, then you can be a part of that set of things too and he'll be interested in you all of the time. If it is the former, maybe he just isn't capable right now.

Edited May 5, 2015 by DJOkawari

[elaine567]

Ah, I feel like you just described me 100%. I'll give a contrasting post to elaine567 as I really don't see myself as such a heinous person.

 

 

I don't see him as a heinous person either, but very difficult to live with, yes.

Relationships are difficult enough without knowingly entering one, with a a person who is known to go AWOL regularly.

As you found out, your gf put up with you "for a while".

[elanue]

Thank you for your reply, it made things a lot clearer for me. Of course, I'll probably never know his full intentions, but the way I know him, he feels a lot like the way you describe yourself.

 

I'm thinking it might be a gender thing, too. I have mostly experience with females, who don't mind talking and hanging out at all times. Maybe males have more of a sporadic contact, generally? I don't know.

 

He does seem to have a lot of hobbies that he likes to talk about. Heck, he's more dedicated to such things than I am. He's also got other friends at school that he could be hanging out with, yet he chooses to be with us, so I guess that's a win.

 

One thing I don't get is that he often says that he likes to stay at home, that he doesn't like going out much et.c. but at the same time he seems to meet up with a lot women and has this typical player attitude. I find it kind of contradictory. I mean, I am a typical "stay at home on friday night"-girl but I'm also inexperienced to romantic relationships. This was just a side thing that popped up when you wrote about you being seen as a player.

 

I agree that people like this would probably be a hard to live with, if you're not like-minded. It's alright though, I'm fairly certain we'll just stay friends, as I sense he's not into me "that way". And I don't want to give up on our friendship just because he disappears every now and then. Even if it makes me think a bit too much about it.

 

I'll just keep trying to figure this guy out... Humans are very interesting, but very confusing...!

Edited May 5, 2015 by elanue

[DJOkawari]

I don't see him as a heinous person either, but very difficult to live with, yes.

Relationships are difficult enough without knowingly entering one, with a a person who is known to go AWOL regularly.

As you found out, your gf put up with you "for a while".

 

Somehow that still sounds mean. I don't think I'm difficult to live with at all. There is an entire converse to what's being described so far: I don't ask for much at all either. The people in my life can keep me happy with very little effort on their parts - mostly because my happiness is derived from something else.

 

All of my relationships happen because I really want to be there badly. There is rarely underlying reasons or baggage. I never get into rebounds, I don't make "mistakes", I'm never "confused". I really think it is the healthiest way to be. But I'm sure everyone thinks that they're living life correctly.

 

 

He does seem to have a lot of hobbies that he likes to talk about. Heck, he's more dedicated to such things than I am. He's also got other friends at school that he could be hanging out with, yet he chooses to be with us, so I guess that's a win.

 

One thing I don't get is that he often says that he likes to stay at home, that he doesn't like going out much et.c. but at the same time he seems to meet up with a lot women and has this typical player attitude.

 

Ditto on the dedication to hobbies thing and "likes to stay at home" portion as well. I'm just much happier taking 1 step towards a goal of mine than some arbitrary activity. I like going to larger nightlife events, but any old club any old Saturday? I'll pass 100% of the time.

 

I believe the whole player thing really comes down to not caring too much about any particular interaction. Like most people, I think, I have huge, absurd dreams, but where I differ I think is that there isn't a single thing I want from life that someone else could give me. Everything I want, I would have to earn myself. So, when I meet people, I'm not needy and I think that, plus still being friendly, plus the whole "mystery" aspect is what makes up a lot of the "player" vibe.

 

 

I agree that people like this would probably be a hard to live with, if you're not like-minded. It's alright though, I'm fairly certain we'll just stay friends, as I sense he's not into me "that way". And I don't want to give up on our friendship just because he disappears every now and then. Even if it makes me think a bit too much about it.

 

I'll just keep trying to figure this guy out... Humans are very interesting, but very confusing...!

 

Hmm. I wonder how many people I know who've gone through this thought process. Live and learn I guess. That's my favorite part about being on this board. It really gives me a lot of insight into things I would never have had a chance to consider.

Edited May 5, 2015 by DJOkawari

[preraph]

Maybe he just hates texting and just has to shut it all down so he can actually get out and DO something instead of staying buried in his smartphone. Busy popular people do things.