Burned Bridge Circle of Friends

[DC77]

I have received some good relationship advice and thought I would put this one out to the forum...

 

I will start by saying I have never been a girls girl. I'm a guys girl and have always got along better with guys. I don't always have the understanding or patience for the female social graces. But I try...

 

A little background, in my new city, I had met and assembled a small group of women. For a long time I was the glue that kept everyone doing fun things and keeping the group together. But as life goes, some mistakes were made. One gal I double booked myself with her at one point but sincerely apologized and gave her as much notice as possible... She began to drift.

 

Then there were three. So there was another event that one of the ladies was planning that kind of fell apart because, well frankly, she's just not a good planner and she'll admit it. I understand this about her and didn't take it to heart. The other gal was upset about it and began to drift as well. Mind you we still continued to invite the first Lasy to drift.

 

At some point the two drifters just never seemed to be interested so me and the other Lady kind of paired off. We would still try to do happy hours on Fridays and other group things, but for the most part it was just the 2 of us. I still tried to reach out to one of the gals because we are closer in age and did have a connection at one time. We were slowly starting to reconnect. The other is just unattainable because she is usually out of the country...

 

Now to the situation. We all got together for drinks as a group. It was a late groupon birthday gift to me that we had been trying to put together for months. When I was trying to organize I got the feeling the drifters were going through with it but didn't really want to be there. One made excuses, even though she chose the date, but the quiet one in all this pulled it together. I was happy to see everyone but knew something was off. At one point I stopped to get something, and looked up and all three of them were halfway down a sidewalk not even realizing I was gone. It was in that moment I realized somehow I was on the outside now!

 

So I was going to make an effort to repair whatever was happening. I tried inviting them to do things one on one. I started with inviting one to an event that my boss had given me tickets for. She lived in the same town as the event so I thought it would be convenient for her. She declined stating she was going to dinner with someone. So I let her know okay I'm going to see if (the other drifter) wanted to go. She stated she was going to dinner. So I asked oh are you going with so and so , I just texted her. All I got back was a flat, yes. Hmmm, okay. I have to say I was a little hurt that at that point an invitation wasn't extended. I was clearly not welcome.

 

So extended one more invitation to both of them to go to the beach. One declined. The other never responded. Now this is where my personality comes in. I'm the type that sees something wrong and is like look let's address this. Apparently this doesn't work well with women.

 

I sent texts to both of them first trying to reinforce that I'm happy they are hanging out. Then apologizing to both of them if there was anything I did to offend them or make them feel unappreciated I was sincerely sorry. Could we talk...No answer from either of them. I reached out to one of them today to ask if we could get together for lunch since I was in her town. She already had plans. So I asked if we could talk at some point. No answer. When I asked her if she could please let me know, I got, I'm busy with friends and I don't have time for this and the whole thing is ridiculous. This is where my patience ended. I understand you may be busy but you've made it more than clear you could give two ****s, so cheers!

 

Two bridges burned in one weekend. And now I feel slighted and have been acting out on others close to me. I know I need to reel that in. The quiet one is away too so doesn't even know. I'm not sure which way she'll go. I feel like I'm losing people left and right and spiralling. Looking for any advice or helpful perspectives. Thanks All.

[shinyprettything]

 

Two bridges burned in one weekend. And now I feel slighted and have been acting out on others close to me. I know I need to reel that in. The quiet one is away too so doesn't even know. I'm not sure which way she'll go. I feel like I'm losing people left and right and spiralling. Looking for any advice or helpful perspectives. Thanks All.

 

Well I think unfortunately or truly rather fortunately, there is not much of a chance with these women now. It seems like they have bonded together to push you out. I'm sorry. That is the worst. But I say fortunately because in reality they have already been stringing you along and are not easy to make plans with, cancel and are being dull. You, on the other hand, sound active and full of life. I know it's not easy but when you get better friends in place you will be having more fun too. Sometimes they are just a lost cause and the new ones will suit your lifestyle better and bring way more joy to it.

 

As for the quiet one, take the high road. No sense in destroying a relationship with her if you don't have to and she maybe she doesn't have to take a side or won't. Give her the benefit of the doubt and stay positive. Don't talk about the situation with her. Chances are they have already tried to pull her to their side. If you say nothing or something really neutral, they will look gossipy and not so trustworthy. You can rise above by leaving it alone. I'm not saying that it's bad to be direct like you were and ask the other two what was going on and try to make it right. That was good to do.

 

Sometimes it's best to be hurt, reassess if you've played any part in this and reset and then strike out on your own again. As you've described it, they seem like they were becoming a dead end road anyhow. I think some women get like that as they get older and it's important to choose your friendships wisely. At least kind of rank them in terms of who is an A level friend, B level, C level and so on. In your own head, of course. Then devote the most time and investment into A level friends and a less into the others based on their ranking for you. Friends are less disappointing when you see them for how they actually fit into your life. You sound like an active go getter so find some friends that share those interests. Building new friendships can be fun.

 

About 2 years ago I finally drifted away from a college friend who lived closest to me which was main reason we kept hanging out. If she hadn't been from our group of college friends, I would have never chosen her for a friend. My drift away was 10 years in the making!!!! She is super negative, never any fun, controlling, bitchy and I could list a ton of other things. I'm loyal to a fault and we were the two single ones at the time so it was hard. But I realized I never had any fun with her and spent all of my time with her trying to make sure she was having a good night. It never just flowed as it does with good friends. I was giving her an A list spot when at best she was D list like reserved for group outings with the people who had brought us together in the first place.

 

It made no sense to tell her directly or have an argument with her because the things I didn't enjoy about her were who she is (though honestly she a few things bad to me too but who she was was the far bigger deal in why I didn't want to be her friend). So I started declining the stuff she asked me to and guess what it opened up room for two new friends that I made who I have way more fun with. I just kept thinking afterward what a good decision it was to do that instead of keeping having miserable times with her and a friendship that went nowhere. I'm telling you this story to let you know it can get better. If your girls were so hard to schedule something for your birthday, then it is probably time to let them go. Of if you hadn't already done that you could just drop their importance in your life and find others.

 

I hope it all works out with the quiet one. And with finding new friends. If you are a guys girl, by all means make some guy friends! That sounds fun. I know it's not easy in a newer city but slowly it will happen I'm sure of it

Edited April 27, 2015 by shinyprettything