mercuryshadow Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 I have two female friends with whom I go way back. The first, M, I met in high school, and the other, C, I met in my 20's. For reasons I won't get into, C does not like M. I've only recently reconnected with M, while I've been consistently connected with C. This reconnection has caused me to have to be very mindful of inviting people out or planning events. I honestly don't think M and C will ever come to terms, so I have to keep my social life very compartmentalized. In terms of hosting parties and things, how in the world do I manage this? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 As far as everyday stuff, you simply don't invite them both. For parties or showers, anything that requires you invite all your friends, you invite them and understand if one drops out. If they're at all mature, it's more likely they'll simply ignore each other. If it gets to where one is making a fuss and disrupting the party because of it, that's the one to stop inviting as long as it wasn't provoked. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 As far as everyday stuff, you simply don't invite them both. For parties or showers, anything that requires you invite all your friends, you invite them and understand if one drops out. If they're at all mature, it's more likely they'll simply ignore each other. If it gets to where one is making a fuss and disrupting the party because of it, that's the one to stop inviting as long as it wasn't provoked. All of this. For events where you want to invite both of them, give them each a heads-up that you've invited the other. They can back out if they want, or they can show up and behave civilly toward each other. This really shouldn't be your problem, so don't make it yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Thank you both; your replies certainly make sense. It is a bit more complicated than just that, unfortunately. I spend time with both C and M individually, and for C in particular, I don't talk about having hung out with M, as I'm worried that C would feel betrayed. And I certainly don't talk about anyone behind their backs. With M, I let what happened years ago be water under the bridge, but I don't think C will ever let it go. Now, when faced with social plans, I feel like I need to exclude one or the other to keep peace for all. After typing this, I realize it sounds incredibly ridiculous, as we are all adults. I wonder if being entirely up front about the situation is the way to go? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Sometimes people don't click. I have a thread going because I have to deal with seeing a woman I don't like at an upcoming wedding. You can't force them together. Let them make the decision about whether they want to be in the same room. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) This sounds like my bff and one of her friends. I met my bff, R at freshman orientation at college in 1978. She met "F" in the mid 80's and they both worked together in a show biz environment as back up singers. R and I had a fall out, but we reconnected 15 years later and have seen one another a number of times since then, as she lives out west and is always traveling. We are as close as we were back in school now. "F" has been one of the most back biting women I've ever come across and I really don't understand why R keeps her in her life. She was nasty to R at her wedding, saying that R should get up and serve the guests at her own wedding. R's husband had to shut her down. But throughout the years, she would run my girl down, telling people she was a wh0re, etc., but she couldn't ever keep a man. Every relationship R had, F did her best to mess it up by telling lies to the guy. Like I said, I don't understand that dynamic, but I don't tell her who can be her friend. F, on the other hand, does. This past week, we've been messaging on FB and what not. R posted a picture about friendships meaning you can be separated but can still pick up like no time had passed. All I did was post a smiley face as a response and R posted "I see you know who I was talking to..." Next thing you know, F posts this rather nasty message that the photo was really meant for her. I PM'd R, laughing at how intimidated F was and my R agreed. I'm quite sure F isn't going to like the birthday message I left for R on her wall yesterday, but I don't really care. To your question, OP: I think that the one who instigated the animosity is the one that should be left out of invites. Edited April 13, 2015 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 That's too much drama for adulthood, kendahke!! My situation is similar,minus the drama because I've managed to keep things separate. I wouldn't say either of my friends are back-biting, but I can appreciate why C does not want to connect with M. Donnivain, I wouldn't ever force them on each other, that wouldn't be right. I'm just finding out increasingly difficult to keep things compartmentalized. I don't want to upset anyone, and I certainly don't want to give the impression that I'm talking sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I'm surprised you haven't taken sides with one friend. That's what always happens to me. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 (edited) That's too much drama for adulthood, kendahke!! My situation is similar,minus the drama because I've managed to keep things separate. I wouldn't say either of my friends are back-biting, but I can appreciate why C does not want to connect with M. Donnivain, I wouldn't ever force them on each other, that wouldn't be right. I'm just finding out increasingly difficult to keep things compartmentalized. I don't want to upset anyone, and I certainly don't want to give the impression that I'm talking sides. Oh, the drama is totally on F's side. I never feed her. I just live my life and enjoy my friendship with R. You're going to upset one of them by trying not to upset either of them, so just prepare yourself. IMO, the one who started all this mess is the one who needs to be dropped off at the mall. It will never stop as long as there are no consequences to their actions. If you've reconciled with M and her atonement is satisfactory to you, then that is all that should matter and C should trust your judgement instead of trying to impose hers upon you. You're grown. You should never have to live in fear of a brawl because she can't open up a can of "act right". Edited April 14, 2015 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 Sugarkane, I wouldn't do that. From my side, I understand why C can't reconcile with M...I was involved in the situation only by extension and distracted myself from M for many years, in fact, but not as an act of punishment but more as a protection. I told her that, too. She's grown now and fully admits to her poor judgement back then. That is what made me able to reconnect with her. I don't think C will ever even consider it. :/ yes, kendahke, you're right,I have to prepare myself. Link to post Share on other sites
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