Uncomfortable

[sundin]

Hi

I'll try to keep this short. I had a friend tell me I made her feel uncomfortable. We've been friends for 5-6 years. We only go for lunch once every month or two. And we're both married. I'll admit that I like her a lot. So I guess I have feelings for her. And I believe this is mutual since over the last year she began to open up to me about problems at work, with her kids and family but nothing about her husband. She is a very private person. She also has told me that I'm good looking, funny and intelligent. We never did anything beyond a hug after seeing each other. I would also buy her lunch once in while. I am well aware that having feelings for someone you're not married to is trouble. But I really enjoyed the friendship. Anyways I decided I needed to take a break from our lunches. She was very hot and cold. Sometimes we would email each other times she would ignore me. She would cancel lunch on me often and I felt like I was too invested. So I told her that we were very good friends but I needed a break from seeing for the sake of our friendship but that I didn't know how long. After a week I realized I could have dealt with this better. So I asked her to lunch and she said she wanted to take a permanent break from seeing me because what I had said made her feel uncomfortable. She won't answer my emails or phone calls. I went to see her but she sent a friend out to meet me. Eventually she did come out but she would only say I made her uncomfortable. Any thoughts as what this means? Can I fix this? Thanks for your help.

[applej4]

Did you actually tell her you had feelings for her?

[I_Give_Up67]

Hi

I'll try to keep this short. I had a friend tell me I made her feel uncomfortable. We've been friends for 5-6 years. We only go for lunch once every month or two. And we're both married. I'll admit that I like her a lot. So I guess I have feelings for her. And I believe this is mutual since over the last year she began to open up to me about problems at work, with her kids and family but nothing about her husband. She is a very private person. She also has told me that I'm good looking, funny and intelligent. We never did anything beyond a hug after seeing each other. I would also buy her lunch once in while. I am well aware that having feelings for someone you're not married to is trouble. But I really enjoyed the friendship. Anyways I decided I needed to take a break from our lunches. She was very hot and cold. Sometimes we would email each other times she would ignore me. She would cancel lunch on me often and I felt like I was too invested. So I told her that we were very good friends but I needed a break from seeing for the sake of our friendship but that I didn't know how long. After a week I realized I could have dealt with this better. So I asked her to lunch and she said she wanted to take a permanent break from seeing me because what I had said made her feel uncomfortable. She won't answer my emails or phone calls. I went to see her but she sent a friend out to meet me. Eventually she did come out but she would only say I made her uncomfortable. Any thoughts as what this means? Can I fix this? Thanks for your help.

 

 

Your answers are in your own question. You both are married, she only wanted your friendship, but she probably saw you were wanting more. She did the honorable thing and broke it off after your mini meltdown about taking a break. If you were ever really a friend to her, respect her wishes and let it go.

[sundin]

Did you actually tell her you had feelings for her?

 

No I never did.

[sundin]

Your answers are in your own question. You both are married, she only wanted your friendship, but she probably saw you were wanting more. She did the honorable thing and broke it off after your mini meltdown about taking a break. If you were ever really a friend to her, respect her wishes and let it go.

 

I guess I could see that. It's just weird that it would take all that time to pull the plug. And to make myself clear I didn't want more. I knew I couldn't have strong feelings for someone and be a friend. Plus it seemed to go both ways to me.

[applej4]

(Strange about her sending a friend to meet with you. She must be VERY uncomfortable. (I think you need to let go. At most, you might send her a note "If I did something to offend you, I am deeply sorry. I wish you the best". PERIOD. Nothing else. No requests to have a talk or invites to lunch. Put it behind you. Sorry, but it's the best way.

[I_Give_Up67]

Sundin- The real test of whether or not you two were really just friends is: would your W or her H have had any concerns about the amount of time you both spent together? Were each of your SOs' aware of how much communicating were taking place between the both of you?

 

In your post you said, "So I guess I have feelings for her" I think you were being very honest in admitting that. Whether you were aware of it or not, you must have been transmitting vibes that she picked up on. This would explain why "She was very hot and cold" at times. She obviously did not want more than friendship, even if she found you attractive.

[sundin]

(Strange about her sending a friend to meet with you. She must be VERY uncomfortable. (I think you need to let go. At most, you might send her a note "If I did something to offend you, I am deeply sorry. I wish you the best". PERIOD. Nothing else. No requests to have a talk or invites to lunch. Put it behind you. Sorry, but it's the best way.

 

That really confused me. I figured it was due to just being upset with me because she had cancelled on me and was arranging another time to get together when I said I wanted a break. I have other female friends and we don't act like this. Anyways we were good friends so it's hard to let go. But i guess it's for the best.

 

Sundin- The real test of whether or not you two were really just friends is: would your W or her H have had any concerns about the amount of time you both spent together? Were each of your SOs' aware of how much communicating were taking place between the both of you?

 

In your post you said, "So I guess I have feelings for her" I think you were being very honest in admitting that. Whether you were aware of it or not, you must have been transmitting vibes that she picked up on. This would explain why "She was very hot and cold" at times. She obviously did not want more than friendship, even if she found you attractive.

 

To the first question I'd say maybe. To the second, probably not.

 

I see your point. She never objected to me treating her to lunch. We agreed see each other more. All of this right before the incident. I guess what I'm saying is she never seemed uncomfortable. Maybe she felt guilty all of sudden? I do feel guilty if that is the case.

Edited April 8, 2015 by sundin
Adding more background

[I_Give_Up67]

That really confused me. We were good friends so it's hard to let go. But i guess it's for the best.

 

 

 

To the first question I'd say maybe. To the second, probably not.

 

 

I see your point. She never objected to me treating her to lunch. We agreed see each other more. All of this right before the incident. I guess what I'm saying is she never seemed uncomfortable. Maybe she felt guilty all of sudden? I do feel guilty if that is the case.

 

 

 

Very possible that she had feelings develop for you also, but she chose to do the right thing for her M and yours.

 

I only know what you have written here, but she deserves great credit for doing the right thing and pulling back. Read through some of the other threads here on LS.

 

What she did by ending it with you almost never happens before it turns into a PA.

 

You may have lost a friend, but two marriages may have been saved.

[sundin]

Very possible that she had feelings develop for you also, but she chose to do the right thing for her M and yours.

 

I only know what you have written here, but she deserves great credit for doing the right thing and pulling back. Read through some of the other threads here on LS.

 

What she did by ending it with you almost never happens before it turns into a PA.

 

You may have lost a friend, but two marriages may have been saved.

 

I agree with everything you've said. I really didn't want this frirndship to end this way. I admit I had feelings and was attracted to her but I don't think we were ever going to go down that road. At least I would hope not. I guess what hurts the most is that we were actually good friends. We were pretty close and I would say we cared about each other as friends. I guess that's why these friendships can be difficult to maintain and in this case I failed at it and lost a friend.

[CC12]

Initially, she was probably uncomfortable because you made it pretty obvious that you had feelings for her. And then it seems like you kind of waffled back and forth with not wanting to have lunch with her, but you'd still contact her and I gathered that you still invited her out for lunches because you said she'd cancel on you a lot. So you did this confusing, flip-flopping thing which for her was probably way too much emotional turmoil from a friend she sees once a month for lunch, you know?

 

And then you made her uncomfortable because she told you she didn't want to see you anymore, and instead of accepting that, you continued to email and call. And then when she ignored your attempts at contact, you showed up (at her house?) to physically confront her. I'm sure you didn't mean any harm, but that kind of behavior can be very frightening for a woman. Or anyone, really.

 

So, for the future, 1) If you start to have inappropriate feelings for a friend, just back away from the friendship or tell them "Sorry, caught feelings, can't hang out anymore." 2) If anyone ever tells you they don't want to see you again, you've got to respect that and completely leave them alone.

 

Sorry about your friendship. Now would be a good time to put more energy into your marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Hi

I'll try to keep this short. I had a friend tell me I made her feel uncomfortable. We've been friends for 5-6 years. We only go for lunch once every month or two. And we're both married. I'll admit that I like her a lot. So I guess I have feelings for her. And I believe this is mutual since over the last year she began to open up to me about problems at work, with her kids and family but nothing about her husband. She is a very private person. She also has told me that I'm good looking, funny and intelligent. We never did anything beyond a hug after seeing each other. I would also buy her lunch once in while. I am well aware that having feelings for someone you're not married to is trouble. But I really enjoyed the friendship. Anyways I decided I needed to take a break from our lunches. She was very hot and cold. Sometimes we would email each other times she would ignore me. She would cancel lunch on me often and I felt like I was too invested. So I told her that we were very good friends but I needed a break from seeing for the sake of our friendship but that I didn't know how long. After a week I realized I could have dealt with this better. So I asked her to lunch and she said she wanted to take a permanent break from seeing me because what I had said made her feel uncomfortable. She won't answer my emails or phone calls. I went to see her but she sent a friend out to meet me. Eventually she did come out but she would only say I made her uncomfortable. Any thoughts as what this means? Can I fix this? Thanks for your help.

 

Does your wife know her, have they met?

 

I think trying to mend things with her isn't a great idea. You have emotionally invested in her, unintentionally but still having feelings for someone else isn't fair to your wife, if your wife was off having lunch and getting close to another guy, opening up to him, having feelings for him I'm sure you wouldn't like it much and you'd be concerned too, worried that something could develop further.

 

Best to let this friendship fade away....

I have other female friends and we don't act like this.

 

Because they are truly platonic friends, you don't have emotional feelings for them like you do with her. You let your heart get in the way, and I'm betting she feels it too and that could be why she's reacting the way she did.

 

PS love your username. Leaf fan?

Edited April 8, 2015 by whichwayisup

[sundin]

Initially, she was probably uncomfortable because you made it pretty obvious that you had feelings for her. And then it seems like you kind of waffled back and forth with not wanting to have lunch with her, but you'd still contact her and I gathered that you still invited her out for lunches because you said she'd cancel on you a lot. So you did this confusing, flip-flopping thing which for her was probably way too much emotional turmoil from a friend she sees once a month for lunch, you know?

 

And then you made her uncomfortable because she told you she didn't want to see you anymore, and instead of accepting that, you continued to email and call. And then when she ignored your attempts at contact, you showed up (at her house?) to physically confront her. I'm sure you didn't mean any harm, but that kind of behavior can be very frightening for a woman. Or anyone, really.

 

So, for the future, 1) If you start to have inappropriate feelings for a friend, just back away from the friendship or tell them "Sorry, caught feelings, can't hang out anymore." 2) If anyone ever tells you they don't want to see you again, you've got to respect that and completely leave them alone.

 

Sorry about your friendship. Now would be a good time to put more energy into your marriage.

 

I guess I made it sound like it was a very one sided relationship. It wasn't. If she didn't see me for a while she would say she's been wanting to see me. She always rescheduled anything that was canceled, sometimes canceling stuff with other friends. I asked if we could see each more and she was good with this.

 

The reason I continued to contact her is because we've had disagrements in the past where she was upset with me and she totally avoided me. I just didn't realize this time it was more serious. But she definitely doesn't like confrontation.

 

 

Does your wife know her, have they met?

 

I think trying to mend things with her isn't a great idea. You have emotionally invested in her, unintentionally but still having feelings for someone else isn't fair to your wife, if your wife was off having lunch and getting close to another guy, opening up to him, having feelings for him I'm sure you wouldn't like it much and you'd be concerned too, worried that something could develop further.

 

Best to let this friendship fade away....

 

 

Because they are truly platonic friends, you don't have emotional feelings for them like you do with her. You let your heart get in the way, and I'm betting she feels it too and that could be why she's reacting the way she did.

 

PS love your username. Leaf fan?

 

My wife knew of her but never met her.

 

The friendship was definitely a lot more innocent than it may seem at least in my mind. Maybe by saying I needed to take a break I made it sound like my feelings were way stronger than they really were. Looking back I don't think any of my actions were inappropriate up until now. That's why the whole thing confuses me.

 

Unfortunately I'm a Leafs fan.