he called..

[privategal]

After 3 Months of nc, the silence was killing me as my anger over our broken friendship softened and forgiveness was setting in. Spring weather and Easter made we want to lighten the load I was carrying and clear the air.

I wrote happy easter and he called.

He was in the middle of hectic work day but Wanted to touch base. He said sorry.

Ive been greiving and crying for the 1st few months and now I feel like maybe not go back to being friends but it was close to 2 decades and was an awesome friendship and we were always very close so I don't know what to do.

I missed the friendship badly but how can we begin to fix the damage he caused by abandoning it and going SO cold?

I don't even know what to ask or what to say if he calls? Its like were strangers now and I don't know if his actions should be forgiven?

Any thoughts?

[BC1980]

After 3 Months of nc, the silence was killing me as my anger over our broken friendship softened and forgiveness was setting in. Spring weather and Easter made we want to lighten the load I was carrying and clear the air.

I wrote happy easter and he called.

He was in the middle of hectic work day but Wanted to touch base. He said sorry.

Ive been greiving and crying for the 1st few months and now I feel like maybe not go back to being friends but it was close to 2 decades and was an awesome friendship and we were always very close so I don't know what to do.

I missed the friendship badly but how can we begin to fix the damage he caused by abandoning it and going SO cold?

I don't even know what to ask or what to say if he calls? Its like were strangers now and I don't know if his actions should be forgiven?

Any thoughts?

 

What do you want from him, and does it align with what he wants from you? 3 months of NC isn't very long to clear your head, and you sound way too emotional, confused, and all over the place to be able to interact with him.

[privategal]

Its just so many years to throw away.

Id like stability and not to be abandoned.

Its true Im emotional but if so much more time passes it will be more awkward later.

I moved away so we cant talk in person.

I wish this didn't happen.

I just want to have my friend back in my corner but probably can't trust it again.

It was so great before. Hard to forget that.

[privategal]

What he wants from me I thought I was giving. He called twice a day and emailed and texted often too. He vented alot about work and life and shared a lot if laughs and funny stories before the abrupt end. I think I was a great friend honestly.

[BC1980]

Its just so many years to throw away.

Id like stability and not to be abandoned.

Its true Im emotional but if so much more time passes it will be more awkward later.

I moved away so we cant talk in person.

I wish this didn't happen.

I just want to have my friend back in my corner but probably can't trust it again.

It was so great before. Hard to forget that.

 

1. It's just so many years to throw away- I think what you are speaking here is to the time investment. I totally get that, but it's sometimes better to walk away. It's easy to try to cling to a person because we want to justify the time investment, but going backwards usually results in wasting even more time. You can still have the memories, and the time wasn't wasted.

 

2. I like stability and not to be abandoned- This is a big one, and breakups trigger this fear of abandonment. I still have trouble coping with the abandonment, but I've found ways to cope with it. Almost every single person on this planet has a fear of abandonment, but guess what? It's a part of life that we have to learn to cope with. Life changes all of the time, and that is a fact that we have to adapt to. Anything could happen tomorrow. Someone in your family could die, you could become disabled and unable to work, you could loose a lot of money, your primary support system could be gone. You've got to learn to deal with abandonment fears in a healthy way, not by running back to your ex.

 

3. Its true Im emotional but if so much more time passes it will be more awkward later. - It's already awkward.

 

4. I moved away so we can't talk in person- Good. You aren't ready to talk to him in person. You are way too emotional.

 

5. I wish this didn't happen- That's a completely normal wish, but it's not reality. When you start going down that road you have to remind yourself that it did happen, and now you have to deal with what's in front of you. Are you going to keep trying to go backwards, or are you going to move forward and make a new life?

 

6. I just want to have my friend back in my corner but probably can't trust it again.- Again, you are reverting to the past. Wanting something you can't have. It sounds like you were friends before all of this happened. If so, you can't go back to that, and it's a risk you take when you try to date a friend. You can make new friends or start investing time in other people.

 

7. It was so great before. Hard to forget that- Okay, but it's not like that anymore. You can't undo or forget about it, but, to move forward, you have to find ways to cope with the memories. Calling him is a dysfunctional way of grieving the good memories because you are going back to the source of your pain. Instead of trying to process the memories and make new memories, you stepped back in time and made no progress. You talked to him, and it was an emotional trigger. Now, you are completely upset and all over the place emotionally.

[BC1980]

What he wants from me I thought I was giving. He called twice a day and emailed and texted often too. He vented alot about work and life and shared a lot if laughs and funny stories before the abrupt end. I think I was a great friend honestly.

 

I'm asking what he wants now. Not what he wanted during the relationship. What does he want from you at this point? If he wants to be friends, how does he define that, and are you okay with what he wants?

[privategal]

I'm asking what he wants now. Not what he wanted during the relationship. What does he want from you at this point? If he wants to be friends, how does he define that, and are you okay with what he wants?

 

I need those answers to. Sounds like you feel like I need to be done with it hm?

[privategal]

1. It's just so many years to throw away- I think what you are speaking here is to the time investment. I totally get that, but it's sometimes better to walk away. It's easy to try to cling to a person because we want to justify the time investment, but going backwards usually results in wasting even more time. You can still have the memories, and the time wasn't wasted.

 

2. I like stability and not to be abandoned- This is a big one, and breakups trigger this fear of abandonment. I still have trouble coping with the abandonment, but I've found ways to cope with it. Almost every single person on this planet has a fear of abandonment, but guess what? It's a part of life that we have to learn to cope with. Life changes all of the time, and that is a fact that we have to adapt to. Anything could happen tomorrow. Someone in your family could die, you could become disabled and unable to work, you could loose a lot of money, your primary support system could be gone. You've got to learn to deal with abandonment fears in a healthy way, not by running back to your ex.

 

3. Its true Im emotional but if so much more time passes it will be more awkward later. - It's already awkward.

 

4. I moved away so we can't talk in person- Good. You aren't ready to talk to him in person. You are way too emotional.

 

5. I wish this didn't happen- That's a completely normal wish, but it's not reality. When you start going down that road you have to remind yourself that it did happen, and now you have to deal with what's in front of you. Are you going to keep trying to go backwards, or are you going to move forward and make a new life?

 

6. I just want to have my friend back in my corner but probably can't trust it again.- Again, you are reverting to the past. Wanting something you can't have. It sounds like you were friends before all of this happened. If so, you can't go back to that, and it's a risk you take when you try to date a friend. You can make new friends or start investing time in other people.

 

7. It was so great before. Hard to forget that- Okay, but it's not like that anymore. You can't undo or forget about it, but, to move forward, you have to find ways to cope with the memories. Calling him is a dysfunctional way of grieving the good memories because you are going back to the source of your pain. Instead of trying to process the memories and make new memories, you stepped back in time and made no progress. You talked to him, and it was an emotional trigger. Now, you are completely upset and all over the place emotionally.

I thank u for writing in such detail. Can't help but to feel you may be right on many points but Im missing the whys..and it all sounds very cut and dry and a little cold. There seems so much bad in the world that if you could salvage a friend wo has shown great potential to be there for you, youd try and save that.

It might be something that needs to go away but I hate to give up on anyone.

[BC1980]

I need those answers to. Sounds like you feel like I need to be done with it hm?

 

At this point, it seems like you are way too emotional to be able to have any type of relationship with him. Even if you were friends before, the dynamics have changed. I'm not saying you could never be friends with him again, but I think you need a good while alone before even considering what that might look like. The dynamics will never be the same, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Relationships change all the time, and we have to adapt to that and grow with it. That's honestly a life lesson and not just a breakup lesson.

 

It's okay to grieve what was lost because you lost a friend and a BF. I'm assuming you were friends before you dated. I just don't feel that now is the best time for you to assess what you want from him in the future. I think you are still too mired in the grief process to make any clear decisions, and you will likely change your mind down the road. I remember changing my mind on a weekly basis for the first several months, and what I feel now is different than what I felt a year ago. Over a year ago, I felt that it was impossible to imagine my life without him. Today, I just kinda don't care anymore. He's in the past, and it's not this acute, palpable pain. So I'd anticipate that you will change your perspective over time. A friend told me not to make any major decisions for the first year, and I think that's sound advice. I'd consider letting him back into your life a major decision.

Edited April 4, 2015 by BC1980

[BC1980]

I thank u for writing in such detail. Can't help but to feel you may be right on many points but Im missing the whys..and it all sounds very cut and dry and a little cold. There seems so much bad in the world that if you could salvage a friend wo has shown great potential to be there for you, youd try and save that.

It might be something that needs to go away but I hate to give up on anyone.

 

I think I was just trying to get to the point in a concise way, but I see how you could read it as cold. I'm just so emotionally removed from my ex at this point that I'm able to see stuff like your situation as cut and dry. I wasn't able to have that perspective when I was grieving. When someone would give me "to the point" advice, I'd sometimes think they just didn't understand. I think the truth is that most of these situations are cut and dry, but we can't see them that way when we are stuck in the middle of it all. We can only see our perspective, and we think it's different for us somehow.

 

I get your train of thought about there being so much bad that you want to salvage the good. BUT. . . . you are looking to the wrong person to hang onto. There are tons of other people that you can turn to and invest in. Just because you aren't together doesn't mean you have to hate him. There are also boundary issues at play here. You need time apart to grieve after a breakup. Just because he was a friend who could be there for you doesn't negate the fact that he's an ex-boyfriend. There are plenty of other people who can be there for you, and, just because your relationship didn't work out, that isn't a statement on the goodness of humanity. The fact that most people don't stay friends with an ex isn't a huge statement about the bad in the world.

 

He's not a normal friend, someone you work with, or a neighbor. He is a person that you shared a deep intimacy with at one point, and, when those relationships end, it's unlikely that you can stay connected to him.

[privategal]

Its tough to admit and very sad to say but I do believe you are correct when you state it this way. Id kinda even like to maybe avoid that phone call now as I wanted to hear his side but it may hurt the healing as Im already far into the greiving process and dont want to revisit some of the teary stages, Ive aged greatly as a result. It really hit me hard.

One correction, he isnt an ex...we never dated.

We fell in love at one point seemingly, or an emotional affair of sorts, never even kissed. but got that on track and refocused as it wasn't right, it couldn't continue and it was gonna threaten our marriages if we let it continue.

We took time apart there also, then it was good but maybe we lost the footing too much to fully recover though it certainly seemed like we had survived that storm.

Gonna consider now how to best close the door I just reopened without looking like a flake or a lunatic who can't emotionally make up her mind.

[privategal]

Its hard to say goodbye when you dont want to, when your not ready, when you love a friend boyfriends & girlfriends break up...seems friends shouldn't but Im closer than ever to believing its the right thing we both let go. This life lesson sucks to be frank. Im not young either. So feels like I should already know this.

Thank you.

[travelbug1996]

this is in the wrong forum. maybe ow/om

[privategal]

Im not the ow, we have had a platonic relationship...a true friendship for a long time now...that phase has BEEN long gone and as I mentioned there was nothing ever physical. Thats all the past. Please don't misconstrue Im am taking about FRIENDSHIP or lack thereof but even if I WAS an ow...they too can talk of 2nd chances so I'm in the correct forum.

[BC1980]

One correction, he isnt an ex...we never dated.

We fell in love at one point seemingly, or an emotional affair of sorts, never even kissed. but got that on track and refocused as it wasn't right, it couldn't continue and it was gonna threaten our marriages if we let it continue

 

Well, this certainly shed some new light on the situation. You might have fallen in love and had an emotional affair. You are both married. Yup, time to pull the plug on this one. No one would fault you for finding another person attractive because it's unrealistic to think that you will go your entire life never being attracted to anyone but your spouse. However, you have to cut the contact now or else it might end up physical.

[BlackbirdSong]

lol your best friend should be your husband, not this guy. Get your priorities straight.

[privategal]

Well, this certainly shed some new light on the situation. You might have fallen in love and had an emotional affair. You are both married. Yup, time to pull the plug on this one. No one would fault you for finding another person attractive because it's unrealistic to think that you will go your entire life never being attracted to anyone but your spouse. However, you have to cut the contact now or else it might end up physical.

 

Long long long time ago. Geesh. Ok though thank u.

[privategal]

lol your best friend should be your husband, not this guy. Get your priorities straight.

 

He is. Its past. Way past. And I didnt say best friend I said 2 decades. My priorities are my own to decide. I think they're fine.

[Mrlonelyone]

OP. This person called and reopened communications. So long as it is a two way communication then everything is fine. For a friendship that's all it takes.

 

I know he was a emotional affair 20 years back. Three months of NC in a friendship isn't a big deal. You'll see.

 

 

lol your best friend should be your husband, not this guy. Get your priorities straight.

 

Ideally.....more often than not a marital partner is ones worst enemy, at times.

[Ruby65]

Im not the ow, we have had a platonic relationship...a true friendship for a long time now...that phase has BEEN long gone and as I mentioned there was nothing ever physical. Thats all the past. Please don't misconstrue Im am taking about FRIENDSHIP or lack thereof but even if I WAS an ow...they too can talk of 2nd chances so I'm in the correct forum.

 

I almost did a spit take with my coffee when you described your affair as a "true friendship"!

 

I agree with the above. You were having an emotional affair with this guy. Like most cheaters, you're trying to rationalize and minimize.... to say you weren't unfaithful because you didn't have sex with this guy is plain delusional.

 

What you describe isn't just friendship. You say you "fell in love at some point"? Yeah, right.

 

You need to get real with yourself -- you were having an affair with this guy, and if I was his wife, I'd be dumping him for it. I feel sorry for your husband as well, I'd never stay in a marriage with a spouse who had those kind of feelings for another woman.

[privategal]

I almost did a spit take with my coffee when you described your affair as a "true friendship"!

 

I agree with the above. You were having an emotional affair with this guy. Like most cheaters, you're trying to rationalize and minimize.... to say you weren't unfaithful because you didn't have sex with this guy is plain delusional.

 

What you describe isn't just friendship. You say you "fell in love at some point"? Yeah, right.

 

You need to get real with yourself -- you were having an affair with this guy, and if I was his wife, I'd be dumping him for it. I feel sorry for your husband as well, I'd never stay in a marriage with a spouse who had those kind of feelings for another woman.

 

Im really sorry but what does your moral opinion have to do with my post? Look at the origional question and stay on topic.

[Ruby65]

Moral judgments have nothing to do with it. I read your OP, and this was my take:

 

You're in denial about cheating on your husband.... and posting here for advice on whether or not you should try to resume your emotional affair?

 

Uh, nope. Worst idea EVER.

 

Continue NC, get over this affair -- and face the issues in your marriage, either work through them or end it so you can find happiness.

 

But continuing an emotional affair -- while pretending it's only friendship -- is both dishonest and self-defeating.

[privategal]

Moral judgments have nothing to do with it. I read your OP, and this was my take:

 

You're in denial about cheating on your husband.... and posting here for advice on whether or not you should try to resume your emotional affair?

 

Uh, nope. Worst idea EVER.

 

Continue NC, get over this affair -- and face the issues in your marriage, either work through them or end it so you can find happiness.

 

But continuing an emotional affair -- while pretending it's only friendship -- is both dishonest and self-defeating.

 

 

It has been many many moons since there were any feelings involved, at all, I thought I had been clear about that. I know many folks who are friends with ex bf or gf, we were neither and have been platonic forever so Im not sure how rebuilding a 2 decade friendship would have been continuing an ea, but apparently you do and have some strong feelings and judgements about it, that I find to be misplaced toward my situation.

I respect your thoughts and feelings however and thank you for taking the time to weigh in here Ruby.

[William]

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[LifeWasted]

After 3 Months of nc, the silence was killing me as my anger over our broken friendship softened and forgiveness was setting in. Spring weather and Easter made we want to lighten the load I was carrying and clear the air.

I wrote happy easter and he called.

He was in the middle of hectic work day but Wanted to touch base. He said sorry.

Ive been greiving and crying for the 1st few months and now I feel like maybe not go back to being friends but it was close to 2 decades and was an awesome friendship and we were always very close so I don't know what to do.

I missed the friendship badly but how can we begin to fix the damage he caused by abandoning it and going SO cold?

I don't even know what to ask or what to say if he calls? Its like were strangers now and I don't know if his actions should be forgiven?

Any thoughts?

 

You've been crying for months?

 

Sounds like more than just a "friendship".