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About my guy friend


WildHeart1985

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WildHeart1985

I left a terrible marriage with my ex-husband. He treated me as a maid and verbally abised me on many occassions. I tolerared most of the marraige for the sake of my children, but I finally had enough. I took the kids and left him, but now I'm struggling to support myself and my two daughters. I was really scared about how this would impact my children because my parent weren't able to support me and I was really struggling to find a job (being out of the workforce for 8 years to be a SAHM).

 

But one morning, I ran into Liam, an friend of mine from high school, he always had a huge crush on me, we went on a date once, but I never felt a spark for him. We had a coffee and talked about ourselves, I told him that I was struggling financially and he told me that I can move into his place.

 

Liam has always been a kind, generous man. He told me that he's got an apartment where I can move in without paying rent or bills. He provided a room, water, food, free amenities, Internet and entertainment. He was very accommodating. At first I felt incredibly guilty, but he reassured me that he doesn't have an issue and expects nothing in return.

 

It was a nice two years, we built a nice friendship and my daughters love him, he always help them with their homework. He admitted that he still had feelings for me, but he never tried anything funny. He was incredibly generous and very selfless/supportive. He's put a lot of things on hold for me.

 

I found employment and have offered Liam to contribute towards rent. He turned down the offer, telling me that I should save up as much as I can. Before I moved into Liam's apartment I had nothing, now I have a savings nest, a decent car and enough money to move out and support my children. If it wasn't for Liam, I fear that my children would've faced a dark future :-(.

 

So I plan to move out next month. Everything is sorted out, but the hardest part is finding a way to say thanks to Liam. The last 2 years has always been take, take, take. Now I want to give back. I've felt very guilty since day 1, I feel that my friend deserves more than a "thank you", but I have no idea on what to do.

 

Do you have any suggestions on what I can do for him? How can I show my appreciation? As much as I like him and appreciate his generous kindness, I don't see him as compatable match for me, so please don't say date him. Thank you :-).

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Be there for him when he has hard times. If he is carrying a torch for you, he certainly has shown a lot of restraint and respect about that. I would hate it if being around you was keeping him from finding a suitable mate. Maybe one thing you could do for him even now is start introducing him to other women who might be attracted to him and appreciate him. That would fix a lot of problems. If you don't know anyone, then get a sitter sometimes and take him to some activities where you'd meet other people and then be his "wing woman" and introduce him around.

 

Otherwise, just be there for him if he needs you when he gets old or ill and stay in touch unless he reaches the point he needs to forget about you.

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SearchingForMyself

You absolutely know how rare it is to find a true male friend like that who happened to like you and still treat you like a person?

 

The best way to thank him is to continue being his friend. Treat him to dinner, hook him up with some female friends, listen to him.

 

In a world where being a friend to a girl you like is seen as emasculating, you got yourself a gem. Don't mistreat him. True friendship knows no gender.

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WildHeart1985

Thank you kindly for your helpful advice :-). I've certainly got myself a great friend and I will not take him for granted. We did discuss his feelings towards me and my constant guilt regarding his offer. He told me that it's ok that I don't share the same feelings and that he only wants to see me happy, financially independent and to get back on my feet. He never tried anything funny.

 

I like the idea about introducing him to some of my female friends/relatives. I can see Liam as a very likeable character that can make a woman very happy. He does have difficulties with confidence, communication and social skills. I can help improve his skills and confidence and teach him some tips on how to date a girl. He can be very passive, soft spoken and too nice at times.

 

I just want him to be happy, I will always support him regardless of the situation. At first, he was a good friend, now he's like family to me. My daughters are very comfortable and feel very safe around him.

 

I can always help him whenever I can, but I need to find a way to show my appreciation immediately. I want to show him my thanks and appreciation before I move out, which is why I like the idea of getting him to hook up with some of my friends. Is there anything else that I can do? Again, thank you kindly for your time :-).

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whichwayisup
I left a terrible marriage with my ex-husband. He treated me as a maid and verbally abised me on many occassions. I tolerared most of the marraige for the sake of my children, but I finally had enough. I took the kids and left him, but now I'm struggling to support myself and my two daughters. I was really scared about how this would impact my children because my parent weren't able to support me and I was really struggling to find a job (being out of the workforce for 8 years to be a SAHM).

 

But one morning, I ran into Liam, an friend of mine from high school, he always had a huge crush on me, we went on a date once, but I never felt a spark for him. We had a coffee and talked about ourselves, I told him that I was struggling financially and he told me that I can move into his place.

 

Liam has always been a kind, generous man. He told me that he's got an apartment where I can move in without paying rent or bills. He provided a room, water, food, free amenities, Internet and entertainment. He was very accommodating. At first I felt incredibly guilty, but he reassured me that he doesn't have an issue and expects nothing in return.

 

It was a nice two years, we built a nice friendship and my daughters love him, he always help them with their homework. He admitted that he still had feelings for me, but he never tried anything funny. He was incredibly generous and very selfless/supportive. He's put a lot of things on hold for me.

 

I found employment and have offered Liam to contribute towards rent. He turned down the offer, telling me that I should save up as much as I can. Before I moved into Liam's apartment I had nothing, now I have a savings nest, a decent car and enough money to move out and support my children. If it wasn't for Liam, I fear that my children would've faced a dark future :-(.

 

So I plan to move out next month. Everything is sorted out, but the hardest part is finding a way to say thanks to Liam. The last 2 years has always been take, take, take. Now I want to give back. I've felt very guilty since day 1, I feel that my friend deserves more than a "thank you", but I have no idea on what to do.

 

Do you have any suggestions on what I can do for him? How can I show my appreciation? As much as I like him and appreciate his generous kindness, I don't see him as compatable match for me, so please don't say date him. Thank you :-).

 

Tell him that you two are dear friends for life and if he ever is in a bind, has trouble or needs anything that you'll be there for him. You offer platonic friendship that feels like a family member (brother). Keep him in your life, he is now a 'family' friend. IF he can handle it.

 

You can get him a gift card to home depot or another local 'guy' store. ;)

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He's in love with you. I don't care what your circumstances were, you should not have used him the way you did.

 

Trying to remain friends and hook him up with other women would be an insult to his manhood. He doesn't want or need your charity. His standing on the sidelines as you date and have intimate relations with other men would be beyond cruel.

 

Frankly, you should tell him that you could never repay his generosity, but you need to confirm that you have no attraction or romantic feelings for him, and that once you leave you can no longer have any contact with him. Then when you do, make a clean break and never contact him again. He will grieve your loss, he will hate you. Let him. Eventually he will move on and his wounds will scar over.

 

Don't do this to another man. Please.

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WildHeart1985

Now I feel bad, incredibly guilty :-(. I'm sorry if my posts gave you the impression that I was using him, because that wasn't my intention! I never had intentions of hurting him and I tried very hard to find ways to contribute (pay rent, do some housework, cook dinner for him etc.), but he always rejects my acts of kindness, saying that I should just focus on the wellbeing on myself and my daughters. It's hard to contribute when he's not letting me.

 

I told him that I only see him as a close friend during the first month of moving in, he told me that it's ok that I don't share the same feelings. He just wants me to be happy, be financially independent and be able to look after my children. I felt incredibly guilty everyday, but he kept stating that he wants to help, I asked if there's anything I can do for him to contribute, he said no.

 

I know that he has feelings for me, that's why I didn't date whatsoever throughout the two years. I didn't date because of Liam and because I was recovering from a terrible marriage. Liam mentioned nothing about using him. Maybe he was being too nice, I don't know? But I would hate to see him hurt if I did use him (not intentionally) :-(.

 

Now I feel incredibly bad, I now have split second thoughts about dating him? He is an amazing gentleman and my daughter do like him. I don't know what to do? I feel so sad for hurting him (if what 'LifeWasted' said was true) :-(. I don't want to lose Liam in my life but we are complete opposites. Maybe I should date him and treat him to a night that he'll never forget, I honestly don't know. I'm just so paranoid that I would do such a horrible thing? :-(.

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Don't feel guilty. He chose to be your friend. It may hold him back or it may end up being just what he needs to gain confidence with women in the future, particularly if you get him out there meeting people. Being around you, a woman, may have demystified women for him or made him less afraid of them. It's not like you calously took advantage of him. He volunteered. Keep getting him out of the house and try to make him less afraid of what's holding him back.

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No don't date him

 

The worse thing you could do is get involved with a man who you are not attracted to, never could be attracted to, and basically would be living a lie just to stay with.

 

No man wants to be settled for. He would know you were faking it, and that would devastate him even more.

 

I don't think you are a bad person, and I am sorry if I came across as harsh. This guy sounds like a very noble person, but you and I both know that noble doesn't equal attractive. Go find a man you are attracted, a man you desire sexually and emotionally.

 

As much as you care about this man, and I have no doubts you do, care cannot grow into love unless there is primal attraction and passion. So get that dating crap out of your head, thank him, and leave.

 

And I don't see why you think you need to "get him out there". It is not your job to get him dates. Frankly I would find it incredibly insulting if the woman I have loved since high school tried to set me up with someone else just to get me off her back or assuage her guilt. Insulting and patronizing.

 

He needs to find a woman who likes a good, decent sacrificing man. He doesn't need a gal who only goes for abusive bad boys.

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If I had taken in a friend that I had feelings for but the attraction was not mutual, and this was known from the start and I'd been 110% honorable and respected your feelings, I'd feel used if ties were cut and you ran the other way the minute you got on your feet. That is no way to show appreciativeness toward someone who was there for not only you, but for your kids as well, for two years. Remain friends, maintain contact once you move out rather than washing your hands of him and turning your back. I think you should maintain a platonic relationship and if he needs the favor returned moving forward, by all means be there for him.

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If I had taken in a friend that I had feelings for but the attraction was not mutual, and this was known from the start and I'd been 110% honorable and respected your feelings, I'd feel used if ties were cut and you ran the other way the minute you got on your feet. That is no way to show appreciativeness toward someone who was there for not only you, but for your kids as well, for two years. Remain friends, maintain contact once you move out rather than washing your hands of him and turning your back. I think you should maintain a platonic relationship and if he needs the favor returned moving forward, by all means be there for him.

 

This isn't about feelings. This is about doing the right thing and setting the poor guy free from his misplaced love for her. She needs to have the courage to be the villain, to do the right thing and, yes, to be hated for it. Doing what is right does not always mean you will receive some positive benefit from it.

 

AS LONG AS SHE FRIEND-ZONES HIM, SHE WILL BE KEEPING HIS HOPE ALIVE AND THAT IS BEYOND CRUEL.

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Do you have any suggestions on what I can do for him? How can I show my appreciation? As much as I like him and appreciate his generous kindness, I don't see him as compatable match for me, so please don't say date him. Thank you :-).

 

I can always help him whenever I can, but I need to find a way to show my appreciation immediately. I want to show him my thanks and appreciation before I move out, which is why I like the idea of getting him to hook up with some of my friends. Is there anything else that I can do? Again, thank you kindly for your time :-).

 

It sounds like this guy's as genuine as they come. That means his good will toward you was given with no strings attached, and that in turn means he's not looking for a 'reward' from you. Given that, the best thing to do IMO is just genuinely say "thank you." Literally say it.

 

You don't have to give him a present to try to show your appreciation. It might even come off as strange or inappropriate. If I saved someone's life and they gave me a gift card to Amazon in return, I'd be kind of bemused by that. But a heartfelt thank you would hit home and give me lots of satisfaction. :)

 

Also yeah, don't just bug out now that you're on your feet. Friendship is a two way street, so give him yours in return.

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i would put it to him as anytime he needs a favor you will be there for him, i assume you would mean it, as you do to a true friend

 

i thnk he loves your children, i know one or two little ones who are quite the lights of my life, so he will not go far, but might date others, idk...

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Hope Shimmers
It is not your job to get him dates. Frankly I would find it incredibly insulting if the woman I have loved since high school tried to set me up with someone else just to get me off her back or assuage her guilt. Insulting and patronizing.

 

I totally agree with this. I was thinking this all the way through the thread.

 

Please do NOT take the advice to start setting him up with women/giving him dating lessons while you are moving out!

 

This guy has been incredible to you, and while you offered to help with the rent, etc, I think you took advantage of his feelings for you while you lived with him. That was wrong.

 

I get that it was a great situation for you and he was a friend, but you should have found another way.

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SearchingForMyself
No don't date him

 

The worse thing you could do is get involved with a man who you are not attracted to, never could be attracted to, and basically would be living a lie just to stay with.

 

No man wants to be settled for. He would know you were faking it, and that would devastate him even more.

 

I don't think you are a bad person, and I am sorry if I came across as harsh. This guy sounds like a very noble person, but you and I both know that noble doesn't equal attractive. Go find a man you are attracted, a man you desire sexually and emotionally.

 

As much as you care about this man, and I have no doubts you do, care cannot grow into love unless there is primal attraction and passion. So get that dating crap out of your head, thank him, and leave.

 

And I don't see why you think you need to "get him out there". It is not your job to get him dates. Frankly I would find it incredibly insulting if the woman I have loved since high school tried to set me up with someone else just to get me off her back or assuage her guilt. Insulting and patronizing.

 

He needs to find a woman who likes a good, decent sacrificing man. He doesn't need a gal who only goes for abusive bad boys.

 

Life wasted, you sound like you swallowed too many red pills.

 

He did it cause he cares about her. Sure he might be friend zoned but it doesn't seem to bother him.

 

I'm honestly sick of this over the top red pill crap. You know, you can be a strong, caring individual without being a total wimp. And you can have platonic friendships with women!

 

Its called free will, and life is filled with it. Here is an idea...be friends with who you want, stop pretending to be one, and everyone will be happy.

 

He didn't seem to be bothered by the rejection. That doesn't make him a wimp! Rejection sucks, but if you connect despite that, why not be friends?

 

The only danger is if a man befriends a woman for the sole purpose of that and their interaction is only his way of getting into her pants and not an engaging conversation.

 

Its called balance. Learn it and your life will be more fulfilling

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SearchingForMyself are you a guy or gal? Because it will determine how I answer your post.

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todreaminblue

He sounds like a truly special man, i dont find him weak for accepting your platonic friendship.He has admitted to you however hasnt he that he sees you in a different light and it seems he has developed an attachment to your children......this could be a quite sad situation to be in if it ever came time to say goodbye not only for him but for your kids as well if the attachment develops further for them.

 

Sounds like a guy your kids would look up to and respect and love in my experience does not run far behind those two emotions especially with children.

 

for this reason i think you need to obtain distance......i dont think you should set this man up with anyone......it would be demoralizing to a good and true person to even want that to happen...so i doubt he would want you to set him up......so i dont think its a good idea to even try to match make him....

 

let him know if ever he needs you you are there for him in any way he needs you to be.....thank him and let him know how special a guy he is........but considering he is holding feelings for you...maintaining a close friendship when you dont reciprocate those feelings could be quite selfish on your behalf.....and hinder him from maybe finding the really special woman that is waiting for him while he continues to nurse a flame for you....i dotn think it is your fault at all...but i do think you need to think of him now and in the future...in regards to having a friendship with him....good luck to you and yours...best wishes.....deb

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I totally agree with this. I was thinking this all the way through the thread.

 

Please do NOT take the advice to start setting him up with women/giving him dating lessons while you are moving out!

 

This guy has been incredible to you, and while you offered to help with the rent, etc, I think you took advantage of his feelings for you while you lived with him. That was wrong.

 

I get that it was a great situation for you and he was a friend, but you should have found another way.

 

 

Wow, I'm really on the fence. While reading the OP's first post I too felt it was wrong for her to take so much from a guy who had feelings for her that she didn't reciprocate. However it sounds like maybe he wanted to help her in spite of his romantic feelings for her rather than because of his romantic feelings. It doesn't seem that she led him and she did make offers to pay a share of the bills but he refused.

 

 

My younger brother was in a similar situation. He had a best female friend, she got married and divorced during their friendship. They became roommates after she divorced and he fell in love with her and her kids, but she did not feel the same. Over time he came to terms with the fact that she was never going to be his gf, but they continued on as roommates and he continued to share in her life and help her with her kids. After a time my brother got a gf and fell in love with her and they moved in together. My brother remained friends with his old roommate and continued to be involved with the kids, then she moved in with her new bf and they naturally seemed to drift apart. Her kids have grown up and my brother only talks to her on the phone maybe once or twice a year and will still see her now grown children once in a while.

 

I don't think my brother feels bad or used or anything negative about the years he spent living with her, being her best friend and helping her and her kids out. I know there was a period of time when he did hurt for a while over his unreciprocated feelings but he dealt with that and opted to maintain the friendship. He was an adult and he knew the score and made his own decisions. Had she decided he was incapable of acting in his own best interest and to take it upon herself to cut him off from the friendship and from her kids because she decided she knew better than him what was best for him I think that would have hurt him way more than having to get over his romantic fantasy of her.

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SearchingForMyself
SearchingForMyself are you a guy or gal? Because it will determine how I answer your post.

 

I'm a guy.

 

A short guy, to be precise.

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I don't think my brother feels bad or used or anything negative about the years he spent living with her, being her best friend and helping her and her kids out. I know there was a period of time when he did hurt for a while over his unreciprocated feelings but he dealt with that and opted to maintain the friendship. He was an adult and he knew the score and made his own decisions. Had she decided he was incapable of acting in his own best interest and to take it upon herself to cut him off from the friendship and from her kids because she decided she knew better than him what was best for him I think that would have hurt him way more than having to get over his romantic fantasy of her.

 

^^This a thousand times over.

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I'm a guy.

 

A short guy, to be precise.

 

Are you a satellite male to a chick who will never love you?

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Life wasted, you sound like you swallowed too many red pills.

 

I don't know what that means.

 

He did it cause he cares about her. Sure he might be friend zoned but it doesn't seem to bother him.

 

How do you know it doesn't bother him?

 

I'm honestly sick of this over the top red pill crap. You know, you can be a strong, caring individual without being a total wimp. And you can have platonic friendships with women!

 

Still don't get the red pill thing. I've taken a lot of pills but none of them red.

 

I didn't say he was a wimp. He could be Wing Chun master who looks like Brad Pitt. I don't disagree a man can be a strong caring individual and not be a wimp. I am such a man. And I do have a few platonic friendships with women.

 

But I have never supported those women for two years. Two years?

 

 

Its called free will, and life is filled with it. Here is an idea...be friends with who you want, stop pretending to be one, and everyone will be happy.

 

Are you talking about him or her?

 

He didn't seem to be bothered by the rejection. That doesn't make him a wimp! Rejection sucks, but if you connect despite that, why not be friends?

 

How do you know he wasn't bothered by it?

 

The only danger is if a man befriends a woman for the sole purpose of that and their interaction is only his way of getting into her pants and not an engaging conversation.

 

I would agree with this.

 

Its called balance. Learn it and your life will be more fulfilling

 

Wow. Thank you Obi Wan for that sage advice. What have I done without you in my life?

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WildHeart1985

Thank you kindly for your helpful advice :). But I fear that I may have done a stupid mistake, I'm the dumbest girl in the world!!!! :-(. It's only one week until we move out of Liam's house and the daughters were spending the weekend at my ex-hudband's house.

 

I bought some alcohol for Liam and we shared a few drinks, we weren't drunk but we were a bit tipsy. We were just having a good time and reflecting upon the two years. I expressed my appreciation and told him if there's anything that you need, I'm more than happy to help. Liam appreciated the offer, but refused, claiming that he only wants to see me and my daughters happy.

 

Here's the worst part, I asked him some questions about his crush on me. Like why do you have feelings for me Liam? He was very honest and provided a comprehensive range of very kind words and compliments. I took his words to heart and was flirting a bit with Liam. I told him that I love him, but not in that way, he just smiled and said that it's ok.

 

But for some reason, my stupid mind and hormones got the better of me, I took his compliments to heart very seriously and pounced on Liam, giving him a kiss. Liam pulled away and was blushing. I offered him a night of sex that he'll never forget, but he thanked the offer but denied.

 

I was too stupid to take no for an answer. I crawled up to him and tried to unzip his pants. I was going to give him oral because he has been very stressed over the last month, plus I thought that a night of bjs would compensate the support he gave me for two years.

 

He held me down and begged me to stop. I told him that he should let me suck his d***, because it's probably going to be the only time that I'm going to give it to you. He had a few tears in his eyes and tried to walk away. I was following him, he told me to leave him alone. I was very desperate and stupid to redeem myself so I tried to pounce on him one last time.

 

He grabbed my body and carried me to the bedroom where he tucked me to bed. I was still trying to please him, but he just held me down and told me to sleep while stroking my hair. When I woke up, I noticed a glass of water and some Panadol besides me. I walked into the kitchen to see Liam getting ready for work, I tried my best to apologise, he told me that he forgives me and that he'll keep this information away from my daughters. But he asked me to leave him alone while he gets some space.

 

I feel like the stupidest woman on the planet!! How can I be so stupid!! :(. I don't deserve his friendship :(. I'm a horrible person :(. How can I salvage this friendship? How can I apologise? I can't believe that I would do something so cruel and horrible :(. I have crushed my friend and now I fear that he hates me :(. Please rant on about how stupid and pathetic I an, because that's the least of my worries. Is there anything that so can do? I really need some advice :( .

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