The aftermath of learning PUA. I now struggle to make friends...

[Guitarisgood]

I was your typical walked on nice guy that after one too many, looked up 'how to get the girl' etc and landed on a pick up artistry forum. From there I delved. I don't blame it for it made me a better man - pushing myself career wise, looking after myself and in a sense turning my life around. In regards to woman, it gave me somewhat more of success. Yet I'm naturally a romantic and no matter how hard I tried, I could never commit myself 100%. Because of that I ended up obviously messed around by even more experienced woman.

 

But PUA did teach me to talk to woman. Naturally woman flocked to me and I can easily hold a conversation etc. I developed my social skills and confidence because of this. Yet I always struggled to make friends with guys. I was never into that macho sports, another cross off the bedpost etc. Not to mention many of these guys hated it when I was talking to woman of their interest (girlfriends/ spouses I behaved) having a fun time. Yet this started to spill into my other life; friends drifted and I stopped talking to them. I got bored of friendship circles and moved on. I stopped putting an effort in and unfortunately it was reciprocated. It felt like and it still does that I have to keep in touch or things go to non-existence. Doesn't help during my 'nice guy' days, I'd killed off some friendships with jealousy etc.

 

So now I sit here typing as my phone is empty of messages, I have a load of study to do questioning my life and starting to realise how empty it is. I don't know what to do. I want to message friends but those I do let the conversation die off. I've made that many friendship circles it is not funny. The good part is when I do bump into them or need networking, I'm easily sorted. But looking for the type of friendships you see in sitcoms and of people you walk past and see from the outside, I'd trade the world for that.

 

What do I do?

[elaine567]

PUA is basically about manipulation and game playing, so that works to a certain extent to get what you want in a superficial way, but for long term friendships and respect you need to be genuine, and the ability to be genuinely a nice person, I guess you have lost along the way.

Your ability to network is great, but you have no real friends because I guess they see through your manipulative ways.

Networkers are often up to the same tricks; "if you scratch my back, I scratch yours, but I do not trust you an inch, you are not my friend."

Decent people do not like tricks, so they tend to avoid tricksters, hence the fading I guess.

I am sure they are thinking, "If you can use psychology to manipulate women to get what you want, even if they don't want it, you can manipulate me, so no thanks."

[anika99]

Being a PUA and being a nice guy are in some ways two sides of the same coin. They are both about acting a certain way to manipulate people into meeting your needs. The cure for the too nice guy isn't to become a PUA because its the same problem just with a new presentation.

 

 

There is a book called No More Mister Nice Guy in PDF format online. It talks about becoming an authentic person, learning to meet your own needs, practicing boundaries and becoming secure in your own skin. I have only skimmed it but it looks like a pretty good read. Maybe take a look.

[mario_C]

I'm afraid there's no nice way to put this: if you want real friends who care about you as a person and not a good time, please drop the PUA act. Because that is all it is - developing a persona, a hustle or con basically, so you can get laid. And women with raging libidos might enjoy it for a night or two, but I promise you are alienating everyone with the negging, manipulative behavior and 'alpha' peacocking.

"many of these guys hated it when I was talking to woman of their interest (girlfriends/ spouses I behaved) having a fun time" - well, no kidding. I would be angry if some guy started hitting on my (hypothetical, granted) woman right in front of me. And I sure wouldn't make friends with him.

Read books. Travel. Get hobbies, or even better, an art that you practice and enjoy. Have a life. Commit yourself to a cause greater than yourself and your penis. Basically what I'm saying is, stop being an 'alpha' character and commit yourself to being you, without limits or apologies.

It's never too late!

[Tayla]

call it intuitiveness, more often saw a pua a mile away and by the time he arrived the game was called off. my friends were often upset that i saw the person for what they were...yet ultimately I saved them time and effort from investing in that venture. OP,since you have mastered the social skill of conversation, take it and refine it to a more genuine authentic level. One cannot duplicate that which is genuinely sincere. It may take awhile to be comfortable in being real, yet the friends will appreciate you for it.

[writergal]

I was your typical walked on nice guy that after one too many, looked up 'how to get the girl' etc and landed on a pick up artistry forum. From there I delved. I don't blame it for it made me a better man - pushing myself career wise, looking after myself and in a sense turning my life around. In regards to woman, it gave me somewhat more of success. Yet I'm naturally a romantic and no matter how hard I tried, I could never commit myself 100%. Because of that I ended up obviously messed around by even more experienced woman.

 

But PUA did teach me to talk to woman. Naturally woman flocked to me and I can easily hold a conversation etc. I developed my social skills and confidence because of this. Yet I always struggled to make friends with guys. I was never into that macho sports, another cross off the bedpost etc. Not to mention many of these guys hated it when I was talking to woman of their interest (girlfriends/ spouses I behaved) having a fun time. Yet this started to spill into my other life; friends drifted and I stopped talking to them. I got bored of friendship circles and moved on. I stopped putting an effort in and unfortunately it was reciprocated. It felt like and it still does that I have to keep in touch or things go to non-existence. Doesn't help during my 'nice guy' days, I'd killed off some friendships with jealousy etc.

 

So now I sit here typing as my phone is empty of messages, I have a load of study to do questioning my life and starting to realise how empty it is. I don't know what to do. I want to message friends but those I do let the conversation die off. I've made that many friendship circles it is not funny. The good part is when I do bump into them or need networking, I'm easily sorted. But looking for the type of friendships you see in sitcoms and of people you walk past and see from the outside, I'd trade the world for that.

 

What do I do?

 

Easy. Drop the PUA act and be yourself. You have great social skills with people already, so use your power of wit for good not evil. Have confidence in yourself - the true you - and you will attract the right kind of people. But if you aren't sure of yourself, people will sense that and when given the opportunity will walk all over you (including women).

 

Since you have a lot of acquaintances already, why not focus your attention on individuals whom you have a lot in common with with the intention of becoming good friends with them. The friends in tv sitcoms like "Friends" are just caricatures of personality types. For instance, in my late 20s, I became friends with a massage therapist named Janet, who was the epitome of the tv sitcom Friends character Phoebe Buffay: she had a colorful family background. For instance, her family pet was a large horse, that lived in their house during the Minnesota winters of her childhood, and hung out in their backyard that was multiple acres during the spring, summer and fall months, was a vegetarian, believed in fairies and magic, did LSD and burned incense, went to raves, had waist length long hair, had a huge heart but was flakey sometimes, not loud but very quiet, didn't like conflict, but had amazing street smarts.