How do I stop myself from being "resentful" of my best friend's success?

[justacollegekid]

I know this sounds horrible, and I feel so awful for it, but I definitely feel resentful of my best friend's success and its really hard for me to be around her (until I get my **** together). I would never in a million years do anything other than support her and I would never try to hurt her feelings, but I just find it painful right now to be around her and I hide it as best as I can but I can't help but feel sad every time we hang out. We met freshman year of college, and we were both the underdogs in high school and both had huge dreams and thats kind of how we bonded. People always doubted us both, but we both saw potential in each other and became close friends and we still are just as close to this day. Anyways, we naturally split off into two different groups of friends; she became super involved in her ethnic groups on campus and her clique was from there and I have no ethnic group on campus so I became involved in a clique from my major. Here is where things split off. She became friends with her random roommate, flourished in her clique, found awesome best friends (i'm considered one of them so being left out isn't a problem), got decent grades, got super involved in activities and became a leader, and got into pharmacy school and is on top of the world right now and is the it girl of her ethnic group. While at first things were going well for me too and I found my own group of friends, things went downhill when my roommate put me through hell, my grades slipped as a result, I got depressed because of my grades slipping, my dad got sick, I got even more depressed, my clique and "best friends" ditched me because I wasn't "fun" to be around anymore, that made me lose all my confidence, I had to delay applying to dental school for a year to have enough time to get up my grades, I gained 30 pounds, and I became super stressed out and didn't have time to get involved too much because I had to become a straight A student to get to where I am now -- which is finally a good place grade wise and its where she has always consistently been. I feel like I had a ****ty college experience and I can't wait to graduate so I can apply and know my future; she is set. Thats why its just so hard being around her because she is what I could have been if I did college right and its hard to be reminded of that when I still have to get my **** together.

 

Don't get me wrong she had things that bother her too, such as she is really self conscious about her scars and i've always supported her because she doesn't see that she is still beautiful. She has always told me she wishes she could look like me so she could have something to resent ( I guess) but instead she has always been happy around me, and this makes me 10x more guilty for feeling this way. Its not that I am not happy for her; I am, but its just hard for me to be around her right now. I've never ever felt this way before because I guess I feel like life sucks right now and I still haven't made it ( I almost made it..one more push) yet. How do I make this feeling go away? She is my best friend and has been the only person who has always supported me through the worst of times, its wrong of me to feel depressed around her I should be happy around her.

[d0nnivain]

Leave the ethnicity out if it.

 

 

Address your depression. I do hope your dad is OK.

 

 

If you are going to dental school, look at your friend's admission to pharmacy school as a road map. You see her succeeding so you know you can too.

[CarrieT]

The ethnicity has *nothing* to do with it and I'm not sure why you are including that as part of the issue.

 

The bottom line is that there will always be someone who has an advantage to some extent. You could eat yourself alive if you constantly compare your successes and failures against another.

 

All you can do is the best you can do and discount anyone else's life trajectory.

[Arieswoman]

justacollegekid,

I can understand where you are coming from because I have been there.

 

Read on.

 

One of my best friends from school always had everything going for her. Her parents had plenty of money and when we went to riding lessons she always had new clothes and I had to have second-hand riding gear. etc etc

 

She met and married a chap with a great job so she didn't have to work. She was able to travel the world with him because of his job.

 

I was very jealous of her and distanced myself from her.

 

She had a baby and everything was perfect.

 

Then she got breast cancer. Within 1 year she was dead leaving a husband and a young child.

 

I felt very guilty about how I had not been a good friend to her because I was jealous, in fact I had counselling about it.

 

Please, please, please do not ever be jealous of anyone, as you never know what fate has in store for them.

 

What I learned was to live my life the best I could and take advantage of every opportunity.

 

Please do the same.

 

PS if you feel you are clinically depressed you may want to make an appointment with your GP/physician to chat about this.

 

Good luck x

[badpenny]

justacollegekid has it actually ever occurred to you to talk to her about this?

I agree with the others: ethnicity has absolutley nothing whatsoever to do with any of this.

The fact is, she had some lucky instances, and you had some unlucky ones, but you never know what's going on in a person's mind.

 

I used to envy a fellow pupil at my 6th Form College, because she was tall, got the boys, and looked a million dollars, whereas I was (and still am!) short, goofy-toothed, and not a hunk-magnet at all!

 

Turns out she looked on me with envy because i was always so happy, popular, funny, the life and soul of the party, and studious, with good grades.

 

go figure! We spent - no - WASTED - ages envying one antoher when all it would have tken to make us good buddies was a good chin-wag!

 

You already know she has an issue with personal confidence, due to her scars. So I daresay she may be feeling that there are some parts of her life which suck, too.

 

never ever believe that everyone else is bright, brilliant, happy and confident.

 

Students nowadays have far more issues leading to depression, than ever before....

 

If you need professional counselling, seek some.

 

But don't latch your resentment onto someone who you know means the world to you - and you, to them.

[preraph]

You spiraled down. So now you know you have the potential to do that and must reach out and get help and tap all your own inner resources from now on at the first thing that goes bad and just double-down all your efforts to both move yourself forward and to tap other helpful resources.

 

You can't compare yourself to other people like that, though. Their life path is not the same as your life path. There are unexpected obstacles in most people's lives. It's how you handle them that determines whether you shut down and go to bed or get up and redouble your efforts. Make yourself do the latter, and when you can't, then time to get help. She will have stallouts in her life as well. Please realize you're mad at yourself, not her. Things will get better and your life will be on the upswing, as long as you take full control over it and make that happen.

[justacollegekid]

Leave the ethnicity out if it.

 

 

Address your depression. I do hope your dad is OK.

 

 

If you are going to dental school, look at your friend's admission to pharmacy school as a road map. You see her succeeding so you know you can too.

 

sorry i didn't mean ethnicity in a bad way or anything, I was just trying to say that in our campus her ethnicity is super well organized, supportive, fun, and helpful so it was a wonderful thing for her to get involved in and she really flourished in those organizations -- i meant it in a positive way. In contrast I haven't been able to find something like that..there isn't really any organization on our campus as nicely organized as that one. I will try to do that thank you.

Edited April 1, 2015 by justacollegekid

[justacollegekid]

justacollegekid has it actually ever occurred to you to talk to her about this?

I agree with the others: ethnicity has absolutley nothing whatsoever to do with any of this.

The fact is, she had some lucky instances, and you had some unlucky ones, but you never know what's going on in a person's mind.

 

I used to envy a fellow pupil at my 6th Form College, because she was tall, got the boys, and looked a million dollars, whereas I was (and still am!) short, goofy-toothed, and not a hunk-magnet at all!

 

Turns out she looked on me with envy because i was always so happy, popular, funny, the life and soul of the party, and studious, with good grades.

 

go figure! We spent - no - WASTED - ages envying one antoher when all it would have tken to make us good buddies was a good chin-wag!

 

You already know she has an issue with personal confidence, due to her scars. So I daresay she may be feeling that there are some parts of her life which suck, too.

 

never ever believe that everyone else is bright, brilliant, happy and confident.

 

Students nowadays have far more issues leading to depression, than ever before....

 

If you need professional counseling, seek some.

 

But don't latch your resentment onto someone who you know means the world to you - and you, to them.

 

I told her how depressed i've been feeling lately, but I can't tell her being around her makes me more depressed...I don't want to hurt her feelings and I want her to to feel proud of her accomplishments she shouldn't have to hide them from me. I vaguely told her I don't feel like hanging out with any of my friends anymore because it makes me feel more sad and she understands. She is so patient with me, and that really helps. I tried going to the free councilor at my school a few times and it didn't help at all the lady didn't say a single word and ended the session after 20 minutes, and I actually went in there in a good mood and I came out of it feeling sad because I was worried that even counseling won't help.

Edited April 1, 2015 by justacollegekid

[justacollegekid]

You spiraled down. So now you know you have the potential to do that and must reach out and get help and tap all your own inner resources from now on at the first thing that goes bad and just double-down all your efforts to both move yourself forward and to tap other helpful resources.

 

You can't compare yourself to other people like that, though. Their life path is not the same as your life path. There are unexpected obstacles in most people's lives. It's how you handle them that determines whether you shut down and go to bed or get up and redouble your efforts. Make yourself do the latter, and when you can't, then time to get help. She will have stallouts in her life as well. Please realize you're mad at yourself, not her. Things will get better and your life will be on the upswing, as long as you take full control over it and make that happen.

You are so right about that. I am mad at myself and not her. I need to keep reminding myself that. Thanks that really helped.

[justacollegekid]

justacollegekid,

I can understand where you are coming from because I have been there.

 

Read on.

 

One of my best friends from school always had everything going for her. Her parents had plenty of money and when we went to riding lessons she always had new clothes and I had to have second-hand riding gear. etc etc

 

She met and married a chap with a great job so she didn't have to work. She was able to travel the world with him because of his job.

 

I was very jealous of her and distanced myself from her.

 

She had a baby and everything was perfect.

 

Then she got breast cancer. Within 1 year she was dead leaving a husband and a young child.

 

I felt very guilty about how I had not been a good friend to her because I was jealous, in fact I had counselling about it.

 

Please, please, please do not ever be jealous of anyone, as you never know what fate has in store for them.

 

What I learned was to live my life the best I could and take advantage of every opportunity.

 

Please do the same.

 

PS if you feel you are clinically depressed you may want to make an appointment with your GP/physician to chat about this.

 

Good luck x

Thank you for your advice. That story really opened my eyes. I feel stupid for even feeling this way now.

[badpenny]

Don't ever feel stupid for acknowledging your emotions.

 

They are real, heavy and have meaning.

But - and remember this - they are NOT who you are.

They come and they go.

 

A general feeling of dissatisfaction and malaise about your life in general, needs addressing, and is serious, because without guided reflection, reason, discussion and confrontation, they will smoulder, become worse and could really pull you down.

 

so yes, you need to get to the bottom of your feelings and deal with them.

depression is serious crap.

It's nasty and easily takes hold, but try getting rid of it.... huh!!

 

Sadly, however Depression takes the most inconsequential matters and turns them into disasters of behemothic proportions.

What originally starts out as a passing, fleeting feeling of mild emotional unease, becomes, in time, an unstoppable avalanche of Mind-generated distress, panic and helplessness.

It's absolutely awful, debilitating, crippling and overwhelming.

And nobody can ever get inside your head and understand it from where you are sitting.

So because nobody can see it the way you do, you feel foolish, ridiculous, inadequate - which of course, only serves to make it worse.

 

But ealier on, I advised you that your Emotions Are Not Who You Are.

 

And they're not.

because if you cast your mind back, once upon a time, you were a contented, relatively happy individual.

 

Something snapped.

Something changed.

Something completely overturned that.

 

Think back.

Concentrate.

Delve into the memory-banks of your mind and try to remember, what was the first instance you were conscious of your emotions changing?

When was the first time you were aware that, to you, things weren't right?

When do you recall being the first time that you felt "hard done by"...?

 

Focus on that, because possibly, therein lies the source of your current emotional distress....

It may help you to go back, in order to move forward.

 

Normally, I'm the last person to recommend dwelling on the past.

In fact, I normally strongly advise against it.

But in this case, it may be the crux of the matter, and the vital point upon which your future contentment hangs....

[preraph]

For what it's worth, I've found that life seems to reward momentum. At times when I'm at idle for whatever reason, rut at work or depressed, nothing good happens. But once I'm up moving, traveling, making a plan and executing it or just really striving hard to achieve something, that besides achieving it, some extra unexpected good things or opportunities seem to pop up as well. So never stay stuck in one place. Always keep trying to achieve and keep trying new things, both business and personal, and keep literally moving into new places, new activities, so you come across new possibilities.

[SpiralOut]

You can't control how you feel. However, you can change how you look at things. You are putting a lot of your self-worth into "success," or what you consider to be success. You are telling yourself that you need to be in a certain place or be a certain way in order to have it together. But it's okay to have down moments. We all have them sometimes. I think you should look for something new to do that you enjoy, like a workout routine or a hobby. I tell everyone to try yoga because it's so relaxing and the studios have such a positive atmosphere. When you have something positive to focus on, the crappy parts of life will still be there but they won't get to you so much.

 

 

And if the depression is truly crippling, look for someone to talk to.

Edited April 2, 2015 by SpiralOut