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Recently entered a "platonic" friendship


loveshouldbeacrime

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loveshouldbeacrime

So I recently became friends with a guy and what really appealed to the both of us is that neither of us were looking for a relationship. I had just got out of a relationship, so I wasn't in the mindset that I wanted to be in a relationship anytime soon, but maybe down the road. We get along really well and he's told me that I'm the female version of himself because we have so much in common. We started out just texting and then eventually we talked on the phone. The first time we talked on the phone was for about 3 hours, and every phone conversation after that was over an hour, but most phone chats averaged around 2 hours, unless he was calling me driving somewhere or getting off of work. Neither of us has had a friendship with the opposite sex that we communicated with to the extent that we do. So at one point or another both of us said, "Do friends REALLY talk this much?" He has said that he does care about me, but he can't be in a relationship anytime soon because he can't devote that kind of time to someone with work and school, and he didn't think that it would be fair.

 

At one point I was confused by everything so I told him how I felt about everything. I told him that while I'm not looking for a relationship at this time, I have grown to form feelings for him, which is something that kind of caught me by surprise. My confession took him by surprise as well, and he said we can only be friends because of his situation. Later he said, "I can't be in a relationship at this time. Maybe in another life". Ultimately he said he would give me a few days to sort out my feelings and he thought it'd be harder for me to focus on being just friends if he was still in contact with me. So I respected his wishes and didn't contact him, but after a day and a half he texts me and at the end he says he misses me. When I didn't answer his text (because I was asleep), he calls me about an hour or so later.

 

Our friendship has resumed like normal with no weird or awkwardness to it, but a few times he's said, "We're more than friends" or "Like we said before, what friends really talk this much?" So jokingly, I would say, "I thought we weren't going to talk about this?" I have no problem being just friends with him and certainly wouldn't want to force my feelings on him. I know he doesn't want a relationship, but then he'll say other things that contradict what he's said. Since our little "break", he's been the one to call me repeatedly. Generally the only time I call him is if he calls me and I'm calling him back. This whole situation is just weird to me because like I said earlier, I've never had a friend of the opposite sex that I engage in conversation with as much as we do. I don't even talk to my friends of the same sex this often. He doesn't hide the fact that he cares about me and that he loves talking to me, but to the degree that he does talk to me gives me the impression it's the frequency you'd talk to someone you were interested in romantically.

 

I'd appreciate some input, especially from someone that has been in this particular situation before. Thanks!

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Hi, i think you should listen what he is saying about not wanting a relationship. If you develop romantic feelings and he is not into you then youre walking into a trap.

 

Ive been there, you will just gonna torture yourself if you start thinking about his every word and action. You need to distance yourself a little; no need to terminate the friendship. Unless youre falling in love really fast.

 

Also, i dont think that romantic relationship is something that needs an enormous amount of effort to establish. It just happens naturally so if youre trying to hard somethings not right.

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Hi, i think you should listen what he is saying about not wanting a relationship. If you develop romantic feelings and he is not into you then youre walking into a trap.

 

Ive been there, you will just gonna torture yourself if you start thinking about his every word and action. You need to distance yourself a little; no need to terminate the friendship. Unless youre falling in love really fast.

 

Also, i dont think that romantic relationship is something that needs an enormous amount of effort to establish. It just happens naturally so if youre trying to hard somethings not right.

 

I think you should listen to Wseeker .I think the same.I just hate it when guys play their little mind games and say something but act a different way.

If he is REALLY interested in you,he will tell you about it .You'll go Crazy analysing his words and hint and Wseeker is right you'll fall into a trap and you'll be more and more attracted and have hope "what If " "It sounds like ".

If you really can't handle,I mean have a grown up talk with him and see where it goes from there .The "friendship" seems awkward too "we're more than friends" talk and all.I'm having a hard time believe in that.Is it really friendship when you want more and doubt about his feelings.

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It seems he does care about you, and probably likes you, but this can happen without someone wanting a relationship... Unfortunately. And it makes for a difficult emotional friendship at times.

 

If you are comfortable remaining friends with your feelings, nothing wrong with that, but you should also pursue other interests in the mean time. You can remain friends but any hope that he might change his tune are best removed from your mind completely. But if things get too confusing or emotional for you, the friendship should be cooled or cut off, which ever seems best.

 

Another challenge with friends like this is that one minute they might say they don't want a relationship, but next thing you know they have a girlfriend or boyfriend. That can be quite hurtful and hard to ignore.

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loveshouldbeacrime

I'm totally okay just being his friend. I mean, he's already told me he can't do a relationship at this point in his life and I've accepted that, and I also respect it. I guess his actions just really confuse me, specifically, how often he calls me. He's saying one thing and his actions are completely different. I have guy friends and I very rarely talk to them on the phone. One friend in particular calls me every now and again, but he doesn't make it a habit of talking to me on the phone often. If his frequency of phone calls weren't at such a high, I probably wouldn't think anything of it. I'm probably being a female and over analyzing even the smallest things. I just can't help, but think that this doesn't feel like a conventional friendship. Am I wrong?

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Yes I would probably feel that way too, I think you should tell him exactly that, be honest and then maybe he will more careful about doing things that confuse you.

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I'm totally okay just being his friend. I mean, he's already told me he can't do a relationship at this point in his life and I've accepted that, and I also respect it. I guess his actions just really confuse me, specifically, how often he calls me. He's saying one thing and his actions are completely different. I have guy friends and I very rarely talk to them on the phone. One friend in particular calls me every now and again, but he doesn't make it a habit of talking to me on the phone often. If his frequency of phone calls weren't at such a high, I probably wouldn't think anything of it. I'm probably being a female and over analyzing even the smallest things. I just can't help, but think that this doesn't feel like a conventional friendship. Am I wrong?

 

Hum he already told you that he doesn't want a relationship but yet is acting in a certain way that makes you think ddeep inside,he wants it to evolve .Guys do that a lot and It's just annoying.If you don't want a relationship act like it or leave me alone .

Also you said you were totally find being his friend ?only?And yet you have feelings for him?Is it thecase ?If yes It's gonna be really hard for you to stop over thinking unless you set your boundaries.I think you need to have a no hold bar conversations and both agree on what you want.So If he really doenst want to take it to the next level.Then you are at least clear in your head.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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loveshouldbeacrime

So I need some advice regarding the same guy I mentioned above. His actions and words are very perplexing to me and I've never experienced anything like it.

 

I'm okay with the fact that he says he just wanted to be friends and he didn't have time for a relationship. But then the things he says or does just doesn't align. The past week or more he has been asking about my ex every time we talk on the phone, which is damn near every night. He asks if I'd heard from him. I met a guy and I wanted to be only friends with him and we went bowling, so my guy friend was always joking and saying I went on a date. Well, I recently cut off contact with said guy because he was way too clingy. My guy friend knew about this and several times he's asked if I'd heard from him. Before that we had a pretty lengthy phone conversation about said guy. My friend said he was concerned I might find myself in a situation since the guy seemed like he wanted to be more than friends.

 

I jokingly called him out on him being overly curious and I asked him why he's always asking about my ex or the other guy. He says he is just curious and is just making conversation.

 

Like I said above, we talk on the phone just about every night. If we're texting he'll ask if I want to talk on the phone. The other day we were texting and I was watching a baseball game on TV , and he goes, "I'd call you, but I don't want to interrupt your precious baseball game!" I was on vacation this week so sometimes he'd call me during the day just to talk.

 

Personally, I feel this isn't your typical platonic friendship between a man and a woman. I have guy friends that I can go days and even weeks without talking to, and they never ask about my ex, and they certainly never talk to me on the phone. I know he told me he didn't have time for a relationship, but I can't help, but feel he might have changed his mind based on his actions and the things he says.

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I respect the guy telling you he does not want a romantic relationship. Developing caring feelings for a friend does not mean there is a romantic interest. In fact, friend do genuinely care about one another and the things going on in each other's life. Personally, I don't see where he is acting jealous or possessive. Asking how your date went isn't over the top, IMO.

 

He had no problem telling you he didn't want a relationship so if his feelings toward you have changed, I'm sure he would be capable of communicating that as well.

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  • 1 month later...
So I need some advice regarding the same guy I mentioned above. His actions and words are very perplexing to me and I've never experienced anything like it.

 

I'm okay with the fact that he says he just wanted to be friends and he didn't have time for a relationship. But then the things he says or does just doesn't align. The past week or more he has been asking about my ex every time we talk on the phone, which is damn near every night. He asks if I'd heard from him. I met a guy and I wanted to be only friends with him and we went bowling, so my guy friend was always joking and saying I went on a date. Well, I recently cut off contact with said guy because he was way too clingy. My guy friend knew about this and several times he's asked if I'd heard from him. Before that we had a pretty lengthy phone conversation about said guy. My friend said he was concerned I might find myself in a situation since the guy seemed like he wanted to be more than friends.

 

I jokingly called him out on him being overly curious and I asked him why he's always asking about my ex or the other guy. He says he is just curious and is just making conversation.

 

Like I said above, we talk on the phone just about every night. If we're texting he'll ask if I want to talk on the phone. The other day we were texting and I was watching a baseball game on TV , and he goes, "I'd call you, but I don't want to interrupt your precious baseball game!" I was on vacation this week so sometimes he'd call me during the day just to talk.

 

Personally, I feel this isn't your typical platonic friendship between a man and a woman. I have guy friends that I can go days and even weeks without talking to, and they never ask about my ex, and they certainly never talk to me on the phone. I know he told me he didn't have time for a relationship, but I can't help, but feel he might have changed his mind based on his actions and the things he says.

 

He's keeping you on the hook. You are able to be kept there because you do have feelings for him. This isn't a platonic relationship.

 

If you really are okay with just being his friend, then you need to act the part. Set boundaries. If you are wondering what boundaries to set, then think of it this way: if you were dating someone, what part of your "friendship" with this man feel inappropriate? Then, chip away those inappropriate parts of the relationship.

 

If he questions you about it, just be honest with him. If he's a real friend, he'll understand. If he is just being selfish and keeping you on the hook, and reacts negatively, then you will be doing yourself a favor in the long-run by ditching this guy.

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I had this exact spitten image friendship to a tee...every single aspect. Whats ironic here is...he has time for ALL these calls...all the texts and to consider your life, your ex, what your doing. How does he not have time for a relationship when he is spending all this time on the phone or engaging you one way or another constantly?

The answer is yes, hes keeping you on the hook...he likes the ego strokes, he is not that into you..but he doesn't want you gone either because to guys like this the cat and mouse game is fun, the stringing along and testing boundaries and seeing how things land with you are a little bit if drama and mystery.

You can keep him in your life but Id take 1 out of 10 calls, if that. Id never date him...hes the kind who will have you breaking up with nice guys with his comments and he will be extra attentive when you pull away. Its all self serving.

See what happens if YOU start initiating alot of calls and rexts and requests to get together...he will go cold.

Its only about chase and ego.

Take nothing he says or does to heart please trust me. Date, have your life, take him off a pedestal, dont even bother analyzing.

You'll start to subconsciously try to win...think things like he likes me but is just scared...all kind of things your mind will do.

I think this is just fun for him. In fact I know it. With him...downplay...distance...even phase out cause he's gonna gurt you...many times.

Id almost bet hes aquarius or aries too but thats a whole other conversation lol.

Heed my words!! Good luck!

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Since he is not acting like he's "just friends" with you, you'll have to do it. Make yourself less available. Cut back on the attention you give him until it's on the same level that you give to your other guy friends.

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