Stopme Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Hi, this seems such a great place to get advice, even though this topic has been done to death before but anyway, I am still confused. My husband met a woman at his work about 4 years ago. It probably started at a time when things were not good between he and I. I found out about this friendship because she was texting him while he was sitting watching TV with me after dinner. He said she was just texting about her dog or something innocent. I told him I felt there was no such thing as female/male friendship when people are married, the 'sex' thing always gets in the way. He ignored what I was saying. Later I found texts from him to her that were 'flirty' on his part, certainly very lengthy. Her responses were there but not that flirty. Since then he put a password on his phone. There have also been elaborate birthday gifts from her to him and probably vice versa, I could go on. I am not sure where their 'friendship' is at now but our marriage is totally up the creek He says they are only friends. Don't know what to do? I think he should leave his job and break contact? I have tried to talk to him but I may as well talk to a tree Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Do some investigating. Right now you know he's up to no good and allowed himself to be too friendly with another woman, his co worker. He changed the password so you can't see what he's up to, big red flag. He's downplayed it and is annoyed that now you are aware of what he's up to. Listen to your gut. Find out if this co worker is married, if she is, then contact her husband and tell him your suspicions. Once you know a bit more, confront him and tell him he has to choose NOW, and that he cannot stay married to you and continue with her. If he balks, gives you a hard time, blames you, blames the marriage, doesn't show remorse, basically acts like a di.ckhead, KICK him out and tell him you're filing for divorce. That will either wake him up to realize how serious you are and changes will happen quickly or he won't care, and then you file. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stopme Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Hi whichwayisup, thanks for the response she is married, I wouldn't have a clue how to get in touch with her H, though it wouldn't be hard to find out. My problem is I have two small children, no money and only a part time job which is wobbly at the moment. He on the hand has ****loads of money (inherited), I am not entitled to any of it. I worry he would get full custody and I would only get access. We have odd laws here in Aus. Sometimes I think of moving out to threaten him but once I am gone, he just might not even care. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 He would have to pay child support and possibly spousal support too since he makes more than you (regular pay ,not inheritance). IF you can prove he's having an affair, going against your vows, no way will the courts allow him have full custody. Find out who her husband is. Hire a private investigator if you can afford it or borrow money from a trusted family member or friend. Does he come home late from work? Does he go out a lot without you? How is your sex life? You mentioned there are problems.. Sometimes I think of moving out to threaten him but once I am gone, he just might not even care. But then you'd know. And be able to grieve the loss and move on with your life. IF he lets you go so easily then it means he was ready to go either way. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 That's not really just a work friend. While I may ask about pets or get somebody a card, in the absence of a big party to which SOs are invited, I don't get work friends presents. Any texts are about work related subjects, although I did write something like "good job, I didn't know you were so handy" under a FB picture a male colleague posted showing off the construction / renovation of bathroom remodel he did himself. I'd probably hire a PI in your shoes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 You're not ready to leave him no matter what and he's claiming friends, so you pretty much have to wait until there is a Dday and you get proof. Then he'll get scared. Like suggested above, you can also hire a PI. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Stopme, I'm afraid I am very suspicious about your husband's activities. This is how my husband began his affair by getting too close to/crossing boundaries with an employee. Keep your eyes and ears open. If you can get hold of any letters/cards/messages she has sent do so and keep them in a safe place. They are very valuable evidence should you decide to divorce. I would see a solicitor/lawyer just to get expert advice as to where you would stand if you did decide to divorce. Why on earth do you think any family court would decide in his favour?? Unless you are a pot-smoking, dirty, drunken slut who shoots up H every night and spends all the housekeeping money on drugs and booze then there is no reason why you should not get full custody ( !! ) Do not tell him any of your plans yet, as this could drive the affair - if there is one - underground and it will be harder for you to get proof. If he has plenty of money all the better - he can afford to pay for his children and you until his children are old enough for you to go out to work more. Get your ducks in a row and stop letting him get away with this disrespect. Good luck x Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 That's not really just a work friend. While I may ask about pets or get somebody a card, in the absence of a big party to which SOs are invited, I don't get work friends presents. Any texts are about work related subjects, although I did write something like "good job, I didn't know you were so handy" under a FB picture a male colleague posted showing off the construction / renovation of bathroom remodel he did himself. I'd probably hire a PI in your shoes. The fact that he put a password on his phone is worrying, but other than that I see no evidence on cheating.. I'm very good friends with a work colleague, who is married. We text often and go out, one on one at least once a week. His wife sometimes joins us or she will just pick us up, if we're out while he's working. I'm sure she's read our text convos... Or at least knows about them. There is nothing untoward, nor any flirtiness... All this to say that not all work friendships need to stay within the realm of work only. And that doesn't mean that anything shady is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 To me it's suspicious & merits further inquiry. Alone it doesn't prove cheating but if the suspicion is there, you ignore it at your own peril. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Here in the US, most courts are not allowed to consider cheating unless the cheating endangers the kids. So don't count on that. But sounds to me like it's time you got a full-time job and started socking money away. He knows you're dependent on him and that's why he feels he doesn't have to explain anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Fugu Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hi, this seems such a great place to get advice, even though this topic has been done to death before but anyway, I am still confused. My husband met a woman at his work about 4 years ago. It probably started at a time when things were not good between he and I. I found out about this friendship because she was texting him while he was sitting watching TV with me after dinner. He said she was just texting about her dog or something innocent. I told him I felt there was no such thing as female/male friendship when people are married, the 'sex' thing always gets in the way. He ignored what I was saying. Later I found texts from him to her that were 'flirty' on his part, certainly very lengthy. Her responses were there but not that flirty. Since then he put a password on his phone. There have also been elaborate birthday gifts from her to him and probably vice versa, I could go on. I am not sure where their 'friendship' is at now but our marriage is totally up the creek He says they are only friends. Don't know what to do? I think he should leave his job and break contact? I have tried to talk to him but I may as well talk to a tree I think that by "talking to him" you've probably just pleaded with him to stop. Don't do that. He's making his own choices about what he wants to do, and you should decide for yourself what you want. If you don't want to live with a husband who's going to intentionally have a secretive relationship with another woman, then you don't have to. You need to start thinking about your options, about the possibility of life without your husband - can you live with that? Mind you, I don't mean that you should run straight to divorce court. Everything you do should be about giving the relationship a second chance, but at the same time, be prepared in case it becomes clear that he's not interested in maintaining his end of the pledge. I'm not you, but if I were in your situation, I'd just be blunt: tell him it's not acceptable to have this kind of relationship and you're not going to tolerate it anymore. If he's got some sort of problem he needs to address with you, then you can work with him on that, but it's impossible with a third party in the picture. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fugu Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Do some investigating. Right now you know he's up to no good and allowed himself to be too friendly with another woman, his co worker. He changed the password so you can't see what he's up to, big red flag. He's downplayed it and is annoyed that now you are aware of what he's up to. Listen to your gut. Find out if this co worker is married, if she is, then contact her husband and tell him your suspicions. Once you know a bit more, confront him and tell him he has to choose NOW, and that he cannot stay married to you and continue with her. If he balks, gives you a hard time, blames you, blames the marriage, doesn't show remorse, basically acts like a di.ckhead, KICK him out and tell him you're filing for divorce. That will either wake him up to realize how serious you are and changes will happen quickly or he won't care, and then you file. Agree with most of this, but I probably would not get her husband or inner circle involved. It's not a good idea to be dramatic about this; it's important to be focused and resolved. Drama will be a distraction and the sideshow could become the show itself. No need for that. Link to post Share on other sites
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