*sigh* Is she being a terrible friend, or am I overreacting?

[Ladiixmk]

I've been friends with this girl for 7 years. We both go to the same college (not rooming together), though I've realized that ever since we started college she has started to change slowly... but not in a good way. My other friends have noticed this too, but no one has told her anything. But now it's come to the point that our friendship seems "frustrating". Here are some of the issues:

 

1. Plans: Biggest issue of them all. Whenever I make plans with her, she either never gives me a response/RSVP, can't go due to other plans, or she'll go when her other friend comes along. I think the only 2 events that I asked her to go with me within the past 7 months that she actually went to is my birthday party (which, by the way, she made us all really late for, almost missing our reservation) and a bbq cookout. I understand that she's busy - she has an internship in the city, has a job, and has school. But it's REALLY annoying when she doesn't respond to plans at all - most of the time I end up not going and staying home...

And yes she does invite me out to stuff as well, and I always respond back to her. But sometimes I feel as though I'm a last resort.

 

2. So my grandma had passed away last October. It was THEE roughest time of my life. Back in August when I told her that she was sick, literally in the middle of my story she interrupts me just to point out "how pretty the NYC skyline looks" (we have been to NYC multiple times before... this isn't something new) and even tried to sneak a picture. When I told her my grandma had passed away, all what she said was "oh I'm sorry for your loss"... nothing like "if you need me then let me know", and she was honestly never there for me. I'm SO thankful for my school's counselling service and my friend's back at home - they have been there for me more than she has. To make matters worse two weeks later I bring up my grandma again, and she forgot what happened to her; she was even like "omg wait what happened to your grandma, is she okay???" I said "...she passed away a month ago" and she was all surprised.

 

3. She has become pretty blunt and outspoken, but not in a good way. For an example we had went to a comedy show in February along with 2 other friends. Since we were in the very back of the line, I had said "oh man, I don't think we will get any good seats" and she turned around at me and goes "wow, you're so negative!" That caught me off guard and I told her "wow sorry I didn't mean to be" (Mind you I'm REALLY not a negative person at all). Even my friends gave me a "look". And then a friend of mine had invited us to go to a bar. She said "sorry I can't go" My friend said "you're the one who brought it up at (earlier event) and she goes "no the only thing I said about the bar was that I didn't care for it" later on she says "the drinks are cool I guess but I can't go because I have other plans". IDK personally I found this rude. My friend didn't even respond back to her.

 

4. I've realized that she acts wayyy different around others than around me. When she's around me, she always complains that she's tired, and she just acts disinterested. Sometimes I would even ask her a question and she wouldn't respond, so there would be an awkward silence. But around others she's more upbeat, not as tired, etc. I've seen her completely change within a second with my own eyes before.

 

And then there's other little things... like she skipped out on my dance performance in December to go to a birthday party for a friend that started wayy after my dance performance ended... and on the day of my birthday she only texted me happy birthday, didn't make the effort to see me or give me a shout out on Instagram (not a big deal, but she does it for her other friends...), ditching me randomly at a party to go dance with other people, and more.

It sucks because I literally break my back for her. I make every effort to go see her at her talent shows or performing at an open mic. I wish her good luck whenever she has a interview or anything coming up. I try to be there when the guy she liked didn't want her back. It's so one-sided to me.

 

I need advice, IDK what to do.............. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG lol, I'm obviously very hurt and confused.

[preraph]

The thing that stands out to me here is that because you are putting forth so much effort, you are resentful you are not getting back more time and attention. So stop putting forth so much effort because with friendships, it doesn't work like that. People are who they are. You can bend over backwards, but if they don't want to spend that much time with you in general or if they specifically don't want to go do what you invite them to, there's honestly nothing wrong with that except that you have to stop giving more when they are not reciprocating.

 

Two little details. Your grandma was ill and dying. To you, it's obvious this is a big traumatic event to you. To many people, they're not the least bit close to their grandmothers and have no clue this might be a big deal to you.

 

The dance performance -- if she came at all, that is great, if you ask me. Honestly, no one except parents want to sit through recitals and amateur performances. It's just a hard reality.

 

You know she is not prioritizing you. So you can't change that. So stop prioritizing her.

 

And the number one detail you must change is don't blame anyone else if you sit at home and don't go somewhere just because they declined the invitation or you didn't hear back. Just go.

 

And as with any other type relationship, if anyone is simply taking you for granted, the only possible thing that might or might not help depending how detached they're becoming is being unavailable when they want something. You're giving away the milk for free, my dear, being nice and doing things for people who aren't reciprocating, so stop and maybe it will restore some balance, because if you keep doing that, it makes you look a little desperate and desperation doesn't look good on anybody.

 

Lastly, find a new friend, because you're at the age when people do change and come and go and new friends are pretty easy to meet. And start fresh by not giving more than they're giving.

[whichwayisup]

She isn't the type of friend you can rely on for emotional support, she's not going to put herself out for you or anybody else. Either keep her as a casual/fun friend and don't invest in her, don't expect much from her and certainly don't go out of your way to make plans with her.

 

You have other friends you're closer to and can talk to when you need support.

[Ladiixmk]

The thing that stands out to me here is that because you are putting forth so much effort, you are resentful you are not getting back more time and attention. So stop putting forth so much effort because with friendships, it doesn't work like that. People are who they are. You can bend over backwards, but if they don't want to spend that much time with you in general or if they specifically don't want to go do what you invite them to, there's honestly nothing wrong with that except that you have to stop giving more when they are not reciprocating.

 

Two little details. Your grandma was ill and dying. To you, it's obvious this is a big traumatic event to you. To many people, they're not the least bit close to their grandmothers and have no clue this might be a big deal to you.

 

The dance performance -- if she came at all, that is great, if you ask me. Honestly, no one except parents want to sit through recitals and amateur performances. It's just a hard reality.

 

You know she is not prioritizing you. So you can't change that. So stop prioritizing her.

 

And the number one detail you must change is don't blame anyone else if you sit at home and don't go somewhere just because they declined the invitation or you didn't hear back. Just go.

 

And as with any other type relationship, if anyone is simply taking you for granted, the only possible thing that might or might not help depending how detached they're becoming is being unavailable when they want something. You're giving away the milk for free, my dear, being nice and doing things for people who aren't reciprocating, so stop and maybe it will restore some balance, because if you keep doing that, it makes you look a little desperate and desperation doesn't look good on anybody.

 

Lastly, find a new friend, because you're at the age when people do change and come and go and new friends are pretty easy to meet. And start fresh by not giving more than they're giving.

 

Yes you're 100% right. I don't know, that's the way I was taught growing up - to always be there for your friends no matter what, and to treat others the way you want to be treated. But I have to try to understand that others don't have the same morals . It just sucks because she was not always like this, I'm so used to her old ways.

[preraph]

yes, you were raised to be a giving person, but the truth is if you do that willy-nilly, you will attract a lot of people who are just users or take you for granted. It is something you have to wait and let someone earn a little bit. In this case, since you say she wasn't always that way, she's just growing apart from you some. This is the age it happens. But usually you can make new friends to make up for it.

[kendahke]

I'm sorry, but I'm failing to see why you can't just stop dealing with her.

 

I see nothing positive that she even brings to your life.

 

Not every friendship is meant to last a lifetime. Some are just life lessons that should end and you move on with the new information.

 

She's here to teach you a lesson about toxic people. How many more examples does she have to put on you for you to see that she needs to be launched?

[writergal]

yes, you were raised to be a giving person, but the truth is if you do that willy-nilly, you will attract a lot of people who are just users or take you for granted. It is something you have to wait and let someone earn a little bit. In this case, since you say she wasn't always that way, she's just growing apart from you some. This is the age it happens. But usually you can make new friends to make up for it.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm failing to see why you can't just stop dealing with her.

 

I see nothing positive that she even brings to your life.

 

Not every friendship is meant to last a lifetime. Some are just life lessons that should end and you move on with the new information.

 

She's here to teach you a lesson about toxic people. How many more examples does she have to put on you for you to see that she needs to be launched?

 

OP, both of these posts offer you the best advice. There is nothing wrong with your personality. Being a giving person means that you are a great friend to have.

 

BUT, like preraph said, people will use that quality you have to their advantage, and give you nothing back in return because you likely won't ask them to (and by that I mean, set boundaries with friends who take and don't give back). Or if you do ask them to reciprocate the friendship, they won't reciprocate if they don't value the friendship the way that you do.

 

You can pretty much divide your friendships into 2 categories: sincere friends and occasional friends which is pretty self-explanatory. The friend that you describe in your post, OP, sounds like an occasional friend based on her behavior that you describe in your 4 points about her.

 

Based on her behavior and treatment towards you, she does not fall into the sincere friend category, but the occasional friend category. She considers your friendship, a friendship of utility. That is, the only purpose that your friendship serves in her life is as a social acquaintance.

 

She's not the type of friend you want her to be and she never will be that way.

 

You simply can't force friends to fit into the molds you want them to fit into. You need to accept that she is an occasional friend who does not want a close, intimate, sincere friendship with you. She likely never will. Once you can accept this about her, then you can change the way that you interact with her.

 

You can stop wearing your heart on your sleeve around her; stop expecting her to give you emotional support (especially when you don't ask her to give you emotional support because some people need to be asked for it); stop expecting her to meet your standards when you don't make those standards clear to her (i.e. set boundaries like when she doesn't show up for plans or is late, you need to tell her that hurts your feelings and ask her not to do it again).

 

 

And kendahke is correct also. Every friendship we have teaches us something about ourselves and about other people; what our strengths and weaknesses are, how we relate to the world, how the world sees us. Some friendships last forever whereas others are fleeting. It sounds like this particular friendship taught you about boundaries and toxic people. So, what did you learn about yourself? in that regard?

 

How do you handle strong personalities in your friends? Do you shut down? Or, do you assert yourself and your expectations so that those types of friends learn quickly that they can't take advantage of your good, charitable nature? That is what you need to take away from this gal's friendship. She isn't the kind of friend you turn to in times of emotional need as she's shown you shes not capable or interested in being that kind of friend to you.

 

So, stop expecting her to change. Stop expecting your friend to meet your needs when she's made it clear to you that's not how she views your friendship to her.

[devilish innocent]

I don't think she's being a terrible friend. I've heard of much worse things that "friends" have done to each other. I do think she's not a good close friend. She's the sort of friend you invite to a party when you're having 40 people over. She's not one of those best friends you can call up at any time of the night if your heart just got broken. You might want her to be, but you can't force her to be. I can see you've been trying, but it will only cause you pain. Your options are to accept her as a casual friend or cut her out of your life your completely.

[Ladiixmk]

Thank you everyone, you guys are completely right. I really try to see the good in people but eh I guess that backfires.... I've been in so many toxic relationships since I've started college that now I'm starting to feel extremely lonely, so I try to cling onto those I've known for a long time. Hopefully by the end of this semester or next year I'll find some reliable friends or a close friend group . But thank you guys so much for showing me the light lol

[writergal]

Thank you everyone, you guys are completely right. I really try to see the good in people but eh I guess that backfires.... I've been in so many toxic relationships since I've started college that now I'm starting to feel extremely lonely, so I try to cling onto those I've known for a long time. Hopefully by the end of this semester or next year I'll find some reliable friends or a close friend group . But thank you guys so much for showing me the light lol

 

It's just a matter of using better judgment when you befriend people.

 

Have clear boundaries, low expectations, and recognize that friends come in all shapes and sizes.

 

Don't give yourself 100% to everyone. Take cues from other people because the way they treat you, will show you what you mean to them.

 

Only give 100% of yourself to friends who earn that privilege.

 

People have to earn your trust and friendship. Remember that.

[Diezel]

So why is she still your friend? I don't get it.