Should I ditch friend

[emmajane77]

I have a friend that always pretends that we are best friends when I see them but when I text or e-mail they normally just ignore them until they feel like replying or want a night out. When I am with this friend they also always say we can do this and that together and it never happens as it is always me that ends up organising it. I sometimes also feel vulnerable in front of this friend as I am single and they are married and sometimes I feel that there may be some jealousy or they take advantage of my nature as they always know I am free and available. We always end up doing what they want and my suggestions are never really thought about. When I also go and see them they also make sure that I am out of their house early the next morning and we never really see each other unless we are drinking. My friend also used to text me a lot at weekends and ask what I was up to and then I used to tell them and then ask them what they were doing and they wouldn't reply back. I felt like I was being checked up on. I have thought about backing away a bit but as we have been friends for a long time I get sentimental about the relationship but should I bin this friendship as I think really this person is never really there for me at all. I have been a few hard times and yet this person is never around, yet I am always there for them. This has been going on for 3 years now and it makes me feel sad that it is so one sided.

[Frank2thepoint]

You mentioned your friend is married, so I would think they are busy with their spouse. That can explain the lack of proper and timely responses to your messages, but it is still not acceptable. If your friend is all chummy in person but not when apart, then there's something wrong. Maybe your friend is trying to live vicariously through you since you are single.

 

The first thing you should is talk to your friend. Preferably in person. Have a real honest discussion about it. If nothing changes, or your friend gets defensive, then it's time for you to back off and get a new friend.

[preraph]

I have a close married with kids friend and she can take forever to even read my email, must less answer it. She's just piled up and frankly, she's not that used to being as busy as she is now. She thinks she's busier than anyone with the kids and an occasional temporary job, but I've been working two jobs for a very long time and yet I check my emails every day and respond to them. She chooses to let her kids make her schedule for her, and that is the whole issue And I am not just saying that. She totally lets them do what they want when they want and is their slave. She can have plans but if one of them wants to go to something, her plans are shelved.

 

I guess your married friend doesn't have kids yet. When she does, she will probably totally disappear on you because everyone does when they're young, except they may invite you to come over and entertain them while they watch the kid, which I am not up for very often personally. It's not so bad when they're babies and can't understand what you're saying, but you can't talk as adults in front of them after they can understand.

 

The truth is even single people who are working one or two jobs are busy and don't always feel like doing something other than resting. I would talk to her about her only doing what she wants and nail her on that. I'd say, ____, we did your choice the last time when I wanted to do this. We never do what I want to do. We're going to have to take turns OR agree on something. I don't take turns with people. I agree on things. Because I don't want to do something I don't want to do.

 

I wouldn't be mad she isn't answering your questions. She is at least checking in with you to ask how you are doing. You can ask her questions when you see her. The acid test is do you still enjoy her on the rare occasion you get her to yourself? If not, then ditch her. But if so, just accept people grow up and apart and have their own priorities.

[devilish innocent]

I've known people like this. I think most of them don't even realize they're ignoring the other person's needs. You could always try speaking up and telling your friend that things have been feeling one-sided. Then you can see how your friend responds before deciding whether or not to end the friendship.

[emmajane77]

Hi thanks for your replies. It is good to get other people's opinions on this and yes perhaps I am being over sensitive about it all, as a single person it is hard to see what life is like when you are married and have children and I guess priorities change and they just become more busy and occupied and try and squeeze you in when they have a free moment. Yes at least my friend is still making time for me when she is so busy so this is a good point. Thank you.

[melodicintention]

You can't be this persons best friend if they are married, because the person you are married to is supposed to be the best friend. She is going to be for her husband (or vice versa) if she's a decent wife and he will come first. This is why I no longer get close to women because they will ditch you in a heart beat for their S/O, even if the bastard ends up killing her (yes I have history here).

 

Move on if this person makes you feel as if you time isn't as valuable as her. Who has time for that.

[An0nymiss666]

I have a similar situation I guess. Except neither my friend nor I am married. We used to be attached at the hip and work together, hung out all of the time and went out. We just grew apart when I dated my ex. That stuff happens. But even then, she would ignore my attempts to hang out and my texts. Occasionally she'd tag me in something funny on Facebook but then she'd ignore my response! Like what the Hell!!!

 

She royally pissed me off a couple of times and after that I decided she wasn't worth it. Just to spare a really long post, an example is when I got us tickets to an event after making plans with her to go. She ignored me the day of, and for a long time after that.

 

I definitely don't think it should be one-sided. I understand everyone is different, but especially because it doesn't sound like they have kids, I don't think she is worth the effort :/ As busy as I thought I was when I had a boyfriend, I still made time to keep my friendships. I didn't just contact people when I was bored or had nothing else better to do, out of the blue. If I didn't want to do anything because I was worn out from work or just not in the mood, I would be straight forward. I don't just ignore people and shove them aside for when it's "convenient." If I'm really that busy, I will apologize for not answering, or whatever the situation is.

 

I'm not saying your friend is mean or malicious. Perhaps my friend wasn't doing these things on purpose either, it just seemed too ironic. I do think people just grow apart or are better off not being friends. Some friendships last and some don't unfortunately I'm sorry for the longer response, but just wanted to share my story and I hope none of that happens to you. I understand it hurts.