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how do you assist somebody who is pushing you away


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A dear friend is getting married in 1.5 months out of state. She is scheduled to start a new job in that state in April. She's stressed to the max.

 

 

She was supposed to sell her house but that deal just fell through & now she has to re-list it.

 

 

She's flipping out (understandably) because her house is not show ready for a realtor & now there is not enough time to close before she has to move.

 

 

She can't stay but she also can't afford to carry the mortgage when she moves because it will be a lower paying job.

 

 

Everybody keeps asking her (& me) what we can do to help her. She flies off the handle, cries & has a hissy fit proclaiming that there's nothing anybody can do & we don't understand. I get it to some extent, the last few months before a wedding everything seems just so much larger than life.

 

 

I want to organize a few friends, march over to her house next weekend & just get her packed for her move & get the house cleaned for her. I suggested that to her & she just had another hissy fit.

 

 

How far can I bulldoze my way into her life?

 

 

FWIW we're more like sisters than friends. Even if she initially gets pissed, I envision tuning her out, doing what needs to get done & eventually having her realize this "tough love" was for her benefit. Her adult children think this is a great idea & they will be on the clean up team. Her sister is also in favor of this plan to some extent but she wants me to be the "bad guy" which is my historical roll when everybody is freaking out.

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Frank2thepoint

Your friend sounds like a drama queen. Your idea of helping out to clean and pack is a great plan. Even your friend's children would help out. But for some reason your friend is throwing a tantrum. There is no point in you bulldozing into her life, because she is not accepting your help. On top of that, your friend's sister doesn't sound too keen on the idea, which means your friend probably likes to sh*t talk about you behind your back.

 

I recommend to just leave the whole situation be. If your friend wants the help, she'll ask for it, but I doubt that will happen. She sounds maudlin, often harping the woe-is-me attitude.

 

Also, you could mention to her to postpone the wedding if it's possible, until she is able to sell her house. But I'm sure that's a pandora's box.

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She's actually not a drama queen. She is being one right now.

 

 

She can't postpone the wedding. All of her out of town guest, like me, would lose thousands of dollars because we all have non-refundable travel plans.

 

 

Her FI would also take that as a sign that she's trying to break up with him. He IS a drama queen (king?)

 

 

Her sister is just a passive meek person who has never been able to stand up to my friend or me, even though she is 17 years older than us.

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Wedding, new job, and now her house sale fell through?! Very stressful. So much change.

Maybe just tell her that that you’re ready to help if she wants or needs anything- and then sit back and let her re-center.

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Wedding, new job, and now her house sale fell through?! Very stressful. So much change.

Maybe just tell her that that you’re ready to help if she wants or needs anything- and then sit back and let her re-center.

 

 

 

We have all been saying that to her for the last year. Instead of taking us up on the offer, she just cries louder. We're all kind of sick of it. But since we all know if we take action -- get her house together -- it will be better -- we're all thinking we are just going to have work around her lol

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We have all been saying that to her for the last year. Instead of taking us up on the offer, she just cries louder. We're all kind of sick of it. But since we all know if we take action -- get her house together -- it will be better -- we're all thinking we are just going to have work around her lol

 

Huh. For a year?! It really sounds like something else is going on with her. But if this is how your circle usually handles helping each other out, and she won't be angry about it- have at it. It sounds odd that she's been making choices and simultaneously crying about them. The house sale falling through wasn't a choice, but it was a foreseeable possibility. I guess if all of her friends think this is the thing to do, you all know her best.

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amaysngrace

How far away is she going? Would it be possible for her to take the house off the market for now and just rent it out to cover her expenses?

 

I don't understand how if the house was going to settlement then how did it become not show ready so suddenly? What happened to it that she was going to leave the new buyer with? Maybe that's why it fell through?

 

I would probably just let her know you're there for her if she needs anything and if she asks for something see if you can help. But I'd wait for her to ask.

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Can't she sublease her house until it sells? That would at least cover the monthly mortgage payments, until the house is sold.

 

Moving to a new state, a wedding, and a new job is a triple threat of stress for sure, even if your friend is known for her whining. But I agree with you that it sounds like you all need to work around her to get anything done.

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whichwayisup
We have all been saying that to her for the last year. Instead of taking us up on the offer, she just cries louder. We're all kind of sick of it. But since we all know if we take action -- get her house together -- it will be better -- we're all thinking we are just going to have work around her lol

 

Then just stop. When she hits rock bottom, she'll reach out. You cannot help someone who doesn't want the help.

 

Someone needs to tell her to chill the F out and stop acting like a spoiled brat.

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She hasn't been acting like a spoiled brat for a year but those of us who realized that marrying, moving, getting a new job & selling a house all at the same time was going to be stressful have been saying, "Let us know how we can help." Mostly we just got, "I'm fine."

 

 

I suggested renting but there's a second mortgage & the market won't bear a rent amount that will cover the monthly nut. But what she isn't seeing right now . . . having at least part of it covered is still better than eating the whole thing.

 

 

She had planned to sell to a neighbor who was renting next door. Because they had been friendly, there was no need for the picture perfect presentation you need to stage a house for prospective buyers.

 

 

She is not a bad person. She is just being awful right now. I really do understand why. We all do.

 

 

What I'm having trouble with is her refusal to ask for or accept help. Hence the idea to go around her, bulldoze our way in & just get it done. I already took over one aspect of her wedding. While she was pissed at me for about 1/2 hour, now she is running around telling people to talk to me about transportation options for the out of town guests.

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Houses do rent for more than the house payments usually are. Even if she doesn't break even, it will at least cut her losses some.

 

I feel like she is being so recalcitrant that there may be something else at play here -- like an excuse not to sell her house, get married, and move??

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Houses do rent for more than the house payments usually are. Even if she doesn't break even, it will at least cut her losses some.

 

I feel like she is being so recalcitrant that there may be something else at play here -- like an excuse not to sell her house, get married, and move??

 

That's what it seems like to me. I wonder if she doesn't want to do any of those things but is too afraid to speak up, for fear of being judged for changing her mind?

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If she doesn't want to get married, we wouldn't judge her. I think there may be some foot dragging / fear but . . .

 

 

I just hate to see her floundering, whatever the reason. I'm a fixer.

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^ I know. My only other perspective is that my sister is a person who is easily overwhelmed. If one bad thing happens, she shuts down and goes to bed and "can't deal with it" and then causes a domino effect of messing up a lot more things because she can't deal with it. It's possible this is your friend, too. But I can tell you, you can't help that type person if that's what it is.

 

If I were you I'd at least explore the option with her in case she's having second thoughts, but not in a direct way. Just something empathetic like, "Boy, weddings are so stressful you sometimes wonder if it's worth it," just to open the door in case she wants to vent.

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Before I could take any action I got an e-mail from 2 of her other friends that said essentially what I have been saying:

 

Bride is being ridiculous. We're going over on the next two weekends to clean, pack & paint.

 

Bride threw out a token protest. Everybody ignored her. We start tonight.

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