termofendearment Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 I know, I know. People grow up and grow apart. Their lives and priorities change. I guess I just assumed that the girl I've been best friends with since I was 12 would always be a part of my life, and we'd always have each other to chat to and confide in. We've stayed in touch constantly since then, even when we were studying in different countries and rarely got to see each other. Last year she met her first serious boyfriend, and fell madly in love. Things between us were still fine, though, despite her habit of talking about nothing else but her wonderful/amazing/gorgeous/[insert suitable adjective here] man, which was difficult for me because at the time I was bitter and single, struggling with feelings for someone I was pretty sure I'd never have. We still remained close, though, and I was glad of her friendship at a point in my life when I was learning a lot about myself and making some fairly difficult and major decisions. I didn't necessarily trust her boyfriend, and worried that he was manipulating her to get what he wanted (for example, when he realised she was serious about not having sex before marriage, he suddenly started talking about how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and was going to propose very soon. He got his sex, and almost a year later there's still no engagement ring on her finger), but accepted that I don't know the guy and have no right to judge. Earlier this year, after being with him for a couple of months, she decided to give up the job she had absolutely loved (until she met him) and move a few hundred miles to be closer to him. He wanted her to move in. She said no, definitely not living with someone before marriage. He started talking about engagement and proposals again, to the extent of showing her engagement ring catalogues. Unsurprisingly, she changed her mind and moved in. He's still not proposed. Anyway, in the few months since she's started living with him, I've hardly heard from her at all. The one decent conversation we have had was when her bf wasn't around. Apart from that, he's always around and she is impossible to speak to because she just gets so giggly with him. I get the feeling that now she's living with him her life is complete, and she doesn't need anyone or anything else. Any attempts I make to contact her either go completely ignored or get very short and to the point replies. I just feel so... rejected, after 12 years of constant contact and now pretty much nothing. I'm in a good relationship now too, with that person I thought I'd never have, but still want to keep in contact with my old friends, especially since there have been a lot of changes in my life over the past year and I don't want to lose touch with everyone because of them. On the other hand, my friend seems to have decided that her new life on the other side of the country is quite complete without needing her old friends (or at least me) in her life anymore. I miss her, but is there any point in trying to get this friendship back on track if all my attempts at contact are so unsuccessful? Should I be honest with her and say that I'm feeling like she doesn't want me around anymore, in case she's not noticed how much her priorities have shifted in the past few months, or should I just leave it? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted November 18, 2004 Share Posted November 18, 2004 Maybe this will give you a different perspective. I have three friends and I have known them for almost fifteen years. One lives in Orlando, one lives in Boston and one lives in NY. I talk to them once about every three months. We don't write. We don't email. I haven't seen them in almost five years (since I met my husband). However, we are as close as we were fifteen years ago. We understand we have separate lives that are busy and hectic and although we may not have the time to call or the time to visit we always know we have each other when we truly need them. If you're in trouble or need help and she's not able to be there for you then you may be losing a friend. However, you have to understand that her life has changed drastically and although she hasn't forgotten you, the need to talk as often as you did may decline. Link to post Share on other sites
Author termofendearment Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 I have plenty of other friends I'm not in contact with on a regular basis, but still feel close to. This seems different, though. The past few times I have tried to get in touch with this girl, she has either been too busy giggling with her boyfriend to actually have a conversation with me, or her replies (via e-mail or text message) have been incredibly short and to the point. Lately on a couple of occasions I have felt the need to ask for her advice about something I know she has much more experience with than me, and will be able to help me out, I have got replies like "that's normal", or "I didn't phone you" (when I thought a strange phone number that had been trying to call me might have been hers). It just seems very strange for someone whose messages were previously very chatty and friendly, that now any attempts at initiating a conversation are pretty much brushed off. I don't feel the need to be in constant contact with my other friends, but when I do contact them, however rarely, I never feel like they would just rather I left them alone and didn't bother them anymore. I've had plenty of friendships before which have passed through stages of infrequent contact, or even no contact for a long time, but not one of those other friends hasn't been perfectly happy to get back in contact again. I have never felt this sort of indifference before from someone. The only times she does contact me of her own accord are to talk about her relationship, such as "we celebrated our first anniversary yesterday, he's wonderful, I'm so happy". Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Sometimes people are no longer compatible as friends. I have had to end a few friendships because I realized that as things progressed I really didn't like the person. It may be that she is changing into a different person and that new person may not be someone you'd be friends with. As regrettable as it is, it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
JackieQ Posted November 24, 2004 Share Posted November 24, 2004 you say a lot about how you're not sure of her boyfriend...does she know that? do you sometimes bring up how you don't like this or that? Could it be that she feels like she has to choose between the two of you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author termofendearment Posted November 24, 2004 Author Share Posted November 24, 2004 I've never made her aware that I'm not entirely comfortable with him, although at the start everyone voiced their concern at the way she was acting. They met on a dating site and after chatting online and a bit on the phone for a few weeks she invited him to drive the 5 hours from his place to stay with her for a week when she lived on her own and had never met him before. We all thought she was taking a huge risk, and warned her against it, but since then I've just kept quiet about my feelings and suspicions. I've only met the guy once very briefly, so it's not really my place to judge him when I know nothing more than what she's told me, and how her situation appears to an outsider. I think, like Pocky said, maybe we're just no longer so compatible as friends. She's not the person I got to know 12 years ago. Everyone changes, I know, but especially recently she's just become so different to the person I used to know that I find her increasingly difficult to relate to. While she used to be one of the most honest and up-front people I knew, these days she's living a double life, doing her best to hide certain aspects of her lifestyle from the friends and family she knows won't approve of them. Although she's living with her bf, when family come to stay she'll intentionally sleep in another room, not to avoid offending them but to convince them that's the way it always is, and that she won't be having sex before marriage, while with the rest of us practically all she can talk about is sex. It's such a small thing, but I think because I'm in a similar situation, and haven't felt like I could lie to people about it, despite knowing they'd not approve of my choices, it seems so dishonest to me that she's getting away with still being a "good little girl" (we come from fairly strict backgrounds). That's not the person I used to know. She would never have hidden any aspect of her life, but then again she was unlikely to ever have done anything her family would have disapproved of until very recently. I don't know. It would be nice to be able to keep some form of a friendship alive, but I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it. If she's not prepared to make the slightest effort, then why should I spend so much time trying and worrying about it? Link to post Share on other sites
JackieQ Posted November 29, 2004 Share Posted November 29, 2004 does sound like you two are going down different paths right now. maybe when she gets through this transition in her life one way or another you will be able to reconnect...hope so. meantime, you aren't alone. we've all gone thru it and all struggle with why and what if... take care, Jackie Link to post Share on other sites
Author termofendearment Posted February 1, 2005 Author Share Posted February 1, 2005 Just a quick update, I guess. Eventually contacted my friend and said I felt like she wasn't interested in being my friend anymore. I figured that this way, if I was wrong and she hadn't intentionally started freezing me out of her life, she'd do something about it. She emailed me to apologise, but it just sounded like "I'm sorry, but there's so much going on in my life right now that I don't have room for you. You'll have to be prepared to put our friendship on hold for the next few years until everything has calmed down, I've got married, we've moved into our new house, we've started having kids..." Things have improved since then, though. She has made more of an effort to keep in contact. When we were both home for Christmas she made a point of calling over to visit and spend time with me, and it just seemed a lot like the way things used to be. My partner and I met up with her and her fiance (he did propose eventually) for coffee and a chat at the start of the new year, she's coming up to visit me later this month, and it just seems a lot healthier now. I'm glad I made the point of telling her how I felt, and that since then we seem to have got our friendship back on track. Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply to my thread Link to post Share on other sites
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