justgirl Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I'm a loving person, and like to let people who have been kind to me know that I appreciate them. One of the things I do is bake cookies at Christmas for co-workers, teachers, counselors, employers and others who I am thankful to have in my life. This last Christmas I gave my landlord some cookies, after he had been very responsive to any and all complaints, going above and beyond meeting my needs. We also had a few occaisions to have friendly, informal chats, where he expressed interest in my studies and goals. Because of that, he knows that I am working hard at school, and also working outside of school to help pay my bills. So, come Valentines Day, he calls and says he wants to send me some flowers to show his appreciation. I thought, okay, I gave him some cookies, now he wants to reciprocate with some flowers. No big thing. Well, the flowers, candy and stuffed animal were pretty extravagant, but, I thought, okay, he's got a lot more money than me, I'll let it pass. Since then, he offered to let me rent my two bedroom apartment next year for what I am paying now, after I told him I would have to move because my roommate was no longer going to be living with me and I couldn't afford a two bedroom apartment. At that point, I began to get a little uncomfortable with his generosity, and let him know I had already signed a lease on a one bedroom. Then he started calling and texting me, telling me he wanted to meet with me. I was already a little uncomfortable, and decided to try to create some space, and didn't answer. Then today, as I am leaving for school, he is waiting in the lobby (he lives in the building) and hands me an envelope, saying something like he can take care of me better than anybody else and I shouldn't have to work outside of school. I open it in my car and see that it is stuffed with money, hundred dollar bills. I am now freaked out. I am, obviously, returning the money along with a letter explaining that I am fully capable of taking care of myself and don't need any assistance from him. I am just not sure HOW freaked out I should be. This feels so inappropriate, almost makes me feel dirty for being friendly. I am trying to be as gentle as possible in the tone of the rejection letter, but how could I interpret this as anything other than him wanting to be a Sugar Daddy? The guy is old enough to be my father and I am NOT interested and NEVER COULD BE interested in him. Looking for some advice! Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Oh, how awkward. I think you need to sit down and just tell him that you are friendly to everyone and did not in any way mean to lead him on but that you cannot accept his generosity. It's sad. You really do have to be careful giving for no reason, and that is sad. If there is some age gap there, tell him you aren't comfortable with the age gap. See if you can find some reason he can accept. When you give too much, two bad things can happen. This is one, and the other is people feel you're desperate to be liked and become wary of you. Hope things don't get ugly and his feelings aren't hurt too bad. I guess it's a good thing you're leaving. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author justgirl Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 (edited) Thanks for the advice, I'm not sure I can gather the nerve to face him, was hoping a letter would suffice. The wad of money just makes me feel so dirty, almost resentful. The situation may be even more complicated due to the fact that he is from another country whose culture is quite different from mine. I have a history of co-dependant relationships. I seem to be drawn to needy people and feel compelled to fix broken psyches. After some bad breakups and soul searching, I've chosen to study medicine in an effort to channel this in a more healthy way and have learned to look for red flags in relationships. I'm sad, though, that my random acts of kindness need to be controlled too. Edited March 2, 2015 by justgirl Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Glad you're rechanneling your gift. Attracting needy people can be very stressful. Yes, a letter will suffice. Just tell him you gave everyone cookies and you're sorry he took it as romantic interest, that you didn't mean to send the wrong signal. The cultural difference probably has him doing wrong things, not knowing what to do. He was probably overwhelmed at your gift because as you know, people from other countries whose cultures are different are mostly ignored. Then he didn't know what to do and tried one thing and then tried another. Try not to let that make you feel dirty. He is just fumbling around trying to figure out what us crazy women want from him! And money is the universal language, apparently. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Yikes. The money thing is over the top. Going forward, to prevent stuff like this in the future, understand where you went wrong. When on Valentine's Day he asked if he could send you flowers you should have said, thank you. That is a sweet offer but not necessary. I give everyone Christmas cookies. I wouldn't feel right accepting flowers when I don't feel romantically toward you but I am flattered. Now I'd look for a new place because this will get more & more awkward. He doesn't have good social boundaries. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 hey justgirl, i have said before on here that compassion and friendliness from women is an aphrodisiac to the broken.....and it is...its highly attractive.....they are two of the most loving traits a person can have that bring with them a whole slew of other desirable traits in a partner.... i find the best way to deal with guys who are attracted to that in me.....is to tell them gently, hey i really like you but not that way....i am friendly to everyone and i am sorry if i gave you the wrong idea.....it wasnt my intention we can be friends if you like, I do understand if you dont want to but it wont be more than friendship between us.. i then talk about God that also works to dampen ardor........deb Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 (edited) Hindsight Is 20/20. The fact you're a "loving person" etc. etc. etc. is not justification for letting things get too far. While there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with taking him cookies, you created your own problem by accepting flowers, candy, stuffed animal. Good grief! You can't be that naive. You should have said “No thank you, not necessary” and ended the conversation. Then there was the money. Creepy, but you kept the other things and he was encouraged. Return EVERYTHING to him – now - and tell him face to face there’s been a misunderstanding. (maybe have a male friend go with you) Letter idea is silly. Don’t get into a discussion. Be polite but stop being so friendly and don’t tell him anymore of your business. Then, find another place to live and MOVE. Let it be a learning experience. Edited March 3, 2015 by applej4 Link to post Share on other sites
rahul gupta Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 (edited) Let me tell you this there are different kind guys out there ...like some want you to be there friend and some want you to be best friend and some want to get close with you ...it goes like that ...by your content i guess your a nice woman..a friendly type and smiling and good of a kind ...i just guess this I am not sure of this......well I cant say why he gave you a envelope that too with money in it....i don't know his intentions but be careful and listen if a person loves you he will let you know it by telling you that his heart beats for you....u will feel that thing....but when this comes to money well something is wrong..... but be careful..and try avoid this matter this may go serious...but what u said being friendly you feel like dirty nope...ur wrong.....ur type of a friendly girl...its like ur gift u spread smiles....try to avoid him even but when u do this..u need to have ur friends on ur side..but never insult him..never do that ..he may get angry nd that gets different scenario... Edited March 3, 2015 by rahul gupta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Sit down with him, explain. I might even have someone there with you or very close by. Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Btw upthread when I said “Don’t get into a discussion” I meant don’t let him try to talk you into changing your mind. But I still say a letter would be silly and also cowardly. He would probably write back and it would go on and on. Things will be awkward until you move – which you need to do ASAP. (He has access to your apt. That is not good. Don't kid yourself. Might even ask a friend to stay with you until you find another place. But you should give notice immediately and find another place to live. Creepy landlords are the pits.) Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I'm not sure I can gather the nerve to face him, was hoping a letter would suffice. This is why you are in this predicament. There is nothing wrong with showing your appreciation by baking cookies for people, getting them a glass of wine, or any small gift to show your gratitude. The problem is you are unwilling to exert your boundaries and speak out. A letter may help, but I doubt it'll solve this situation you are in. You should just confront your landlord tactfully and explain to him that you are not interested. Make sure to do it in the hallway, not in his apartment or yours. Link to post Share on other sites
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