Should Loyalty and Support Be Wrestled out of Friends?

[BabyPullOver]

Should you have to wrestle your share of support out of a friendship, do you do it, and how?

 

What do I do that makes my "friends" feel like they can dismiss friendships with me when they'll alright, disappear for years, not care about how I'm faring and still feel that they own the right to pop up in my life when THEY need me?

 

People leave your life because that' life. How do you cope with those who leave, do not care how you fare for years, and then reappear as if nothing, or with excuses, just because THEY now need you?

 

Read on if you want a few details to understand what I'm talking about.

 

 

I grew up to be a people pleaser, as a result of my upbringing. In my friendships this has translated into a strong sense of trust, loyalty and being helpful. Like everyone else, I have had issues relating to friendships. In the recent years however a new pattern seems to have appeared (though I don't want it to stay, which is why I'm trying to understand this and get advised). Notice that with all the following situations, I initially tried to keep in touch, but got tired of being ignored and gave up.

• This woman and I had been friends from our pre-teen to adult years. There have been periods of distance and closeness but she completely cut contact with me when she got engaged. After being totally absent from my life for 3 solid years, she came to my town last year and only contacted me because she needed a place to stay. I sheltered her for a night...a few weeks later she called me out of the blue to 'check up on me'. The call was unexpected and I thought she wanted something from me so I wasn't that enthused and I might have sounded just like that. She hasn't called anymore after that but I'm sure it's because I sounded quite cold on the phone.
   
   
  
• 5 years ago I befriended a woman and we were very close...until it was time for me to move out of that area of the city. I was alone with no car and going through a tough time. She kept promising to help me at every stage of the moving but repeatedly disappointed me. For about 2 years, she did not even try to get to know my new house, visit or help with all the work I was doing on the flat. She later confessed to me that she tried to date my ex but it didn't work between them. I don't know if that's what kept her away from me all that time. Anyway, we have been totally out of contact for 3 years now. Last week, she randomly calls me and invited me to 'a lunch' because her new workplace is close to mine.
   
   
  
• I used to have this close friend. We grew up together and finished high school before she moved overseas with her family. As soon as she left the country, this person cuts all contact, won't reply to emails, calls, etc. This has gone on and on for more than 10 years. Last month, she added me on skype and now wants to chat several times a week, for hours (when SHE feels like it).
   
   
  
• I befriended this woman about 6 years ago. It turned out she's like a chameleon emotinonally. She gets super close to me during HER tough times and gives me the cold shoulder when I need her. She withdraws emotionally when she doesn't need me, for months or years then reappears out of the blue, then I'd realize that it's because she's in a rough patch. Recently, she dated, got engaged which is why she vanished out of my life. Before getting engaged, she dismissed me as friend and maid of honour because of a misunderstanding we had. No phone calls, emails or text/skype messages for a whole year. Last month, she started popping in weekly messages and emails. She's quite sly as a person and I'm guessing that it's because she needs assistance with her wedding planning. She's been dropping hints that I pretend to ignore.
  

 

My question is...is it just me or somebody has had similar experiences?

 

I don't think all these people have something wrong in common...I think I'm the one doing something the wrong way here, and I can't put my finger on it.

 

P.S: I fully intend to drive these people out of my life. For the most part, I'm going to lead them on and serve them the same dish they did me. By that, I mean that I'm going to ignore them when they call for my attention. Just for them to know I'm no more one to be taken for granted. I have moved on and I have changed, so I don't want to discuss their past attitude and how it made me feel. I feel that they don't even deserve me treating them decently and tell them something like: I'd like you to leave me alone now. When they're tired of solliciting me they'll get my game and take the door out.

[preraph]

You're probably just not expecting enough out of them or running them off when they aren't being friends. By your actions, you train people how they can treat you. Basic rule: When they're being a friend, reward them with being a friend back. Don't give more than you get. When they're being thoughtless or negligent or insensitive, withdraw attention or cut them loose. You may end up with a smaller friend circle, but at least the ones who remain are actual friends, not just friends when in need or fair weather friends.

[emmajane77]

I have been in a similar position myself, and I think it is because if you are a nice, reliable and loyal person some people take advantage. You may attract some good friends but also unfortunately you will also attract selfish people who will taken advantage of your good nature. They will probably just expect you to be there because you always have been, so yes what you do have to do ( as the other reply said) is to train these people otherwise they won't get the message and will continue with their bad behaviour. I think it is good you have noticed this pattern as you can see who your real friends are. I know it sounds mean but I would view these people as weeds in your garden and I think you will see the more you don't accept this type of behaviour, they will gradually move on and hopefully your garden will be replaced by more flowers, good friends who respect you as a person. You can always give it a try and hopefully you will surround yourself with better friends who respect you and your friendship. You don't need these drains in your life. Good luck! :-)