lionheart153 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 OK so want to make this as short as possible. 1. There was a girl I met 8 years ago lets call her X, I liked her, she led me on until a mutual friend told her to stop messing around and she did and then rejected me. (I was 18 at the time) 2. I ended up moving away and she ended up dating a good friend of mine, and for whatever reason, I lost that friend because he felt awkward about it. I did not choose to end our friendship he did, for whatever reason i still dont know 3. Fast forward to last summer I ended up moving to a new city where girl x had also ended up being. At this time we are both recently single and we start talking again as just friends. We end up being there for each other and become close again 4. At the same time my BEST friend lived also in this city so it was great to re-connect with him. We were best friends for years, known each other forever and both have a big impact on how we are as people today, like brothers 5. New Years 2014/15 this girl invites me to a new years party, and my best friend at the time had been pretty introverted so I convince him to go and he brings another girl that he is just friends with. My best friend knows girl X and I's history. 6. Even though my best friend and girl X had met somewhere in the past back when were went to collage they had never talked. Aside from Facebook acquaintances. So they meet at new years as we get ready to go out. 7 We get super drunk. Girl x again leds me on, dancing with me, grinding, all over me, new years kiss. I am not sure what to think but i am to drunk to care. A bit later I notice they are behind me and they start making out. needless to say I was upset and felt betrayed by my best friend 8. My best friend realized he messed up and apologized the next day, we talk it out and I tell him I forgive him and that I mainly blame girl X, and decide that she is more of a toxic person in my life then a positive influence, I deicide I dont need that in my life and ask him if there is anything going on and to not associate with her to which he says yet. 9. for the rest of Janurary me and my best friend have a bumpy friendship, some of the things he used to do that didnt bother me started to bother me and annoy me. One day I realize I am being stupid so we talk and I tell him that I realized this and put it aside as he was talking to me about another friend. I casually mention that one of my uneasy ness was because I thought he was talking to girl X behind my back but I thought that he wouldn't do that, as it was betraying my trust. 10. He came clean and said that he had talked to her "every now and then" and when I asked how often, he replied "once a day or so" 11. Needless to say I was upset. and to make things worse, he feels like he is in the right because he "knew" her before. and based on the technicality So I have not talked to him since, and I am unsure what do to. I don't like being upset with my best friend but sometimes I feel he just doesn't consider other peoples feelings or concerns, as this seems to be an ongoing thing with him and our other friends. Am I over reacting? should I just suck it up? or does the "Bro before hoes" rule apply here and am I justified? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Why did you end up in the same town as the girl you were carrying a torch for? And how did you end up making contact? Did you go there specifically because she was there and newly single? I mean, you say "ended up," but that's a lot of coincidences. A New Years kiss is just a New Years kiss. You kiss different people on NY's not just one person. I know you're trying to control your anger at your friend(s), but this girl already rejected you years ago, so you really have no claim to her enough to expect the friends to keep away from her. From a dance and NY kiss, you can't deduce that she now feels differently toward you. If she did, she wouldn't have made out with another guy. And yes, making out is different than just a NY kiss. I'm afraid you've already invested way too much time and emotion on this woman, and if you don't stop, you're going to find yourself a lonely guy who has run off all his male friends over her as well. I think your one comment about her being toxic to you is correct. At least your pursuing her after already having been rejected is toxic to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lionheart153 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) I moved for work reasons. She contacted me first. I didn't move for her or anything at the time of my move I hadn't talked to her for years. Its not about a torch or anything and I could care less if she rejected me or not. I was originally upset that she made out with my best friend which would lead to issues between me and him. And my beat friend also knew the history between us. So I feel he has crossed the line with me. This has nothing to do with feelings with her or whatever wheather you think I have feelings or not. I'm referring to me and my best friend. I don't want to date her to begin with. The whole issue of being flirty with me and then making out with my best friend seems slutty and I feel its a perfect way to start drama as it has. She was said to have caused tons of drama between frienxs before and her ex is now no longer friendsbwith anyone he used to be. If anything im more considered for my best friend. I'm trying to figure out if my friendship with my best friend is worth saving as ifeel betrayed because guys have that unwritten code. I wouldn't talk to his exs or attempt to make a move on a girl he was once interested in without his consent. Seeing as he made a big issue about this when someone recently did that to one of our friends in our circle he looks like a hypocrite. And above all else he lied to me as he agreed he wouldn't associate with her. So my question is : is my feelings of being upset justified or an over reaction. If your best friend hooked up with your ex or a girl you once were seeing, how would u react? Keeping in mind it happened before and I lost that friend. Again to re-clarifiy I'm asking for advice on what to do with my best friend. I'm done with the girl and dealt with that already . PS I'm from Canada. The number of big cities to work as an investment banker is limited when your clientele are all high networth and work for big companies. So it wasn't much a coincidence we ended up in the same city as the city I live now is where the money is. And before I was engaged so she had all but fallen off my radar years ago Edited February 4, 2015 by lionheart153 adx Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 The problem with the betrayal issue is that eight years have passed and she isn't an ex. She was an interest, and i do agree that at a time near that time, it would have been not okay for a friend to interfere if he knew you had a big thing for her. But that was long ago. I do agree on dumping friends who go after your women. But there has to be a time limit on it. I mean, if I'm reading your post right, then you and the woman were never together to begin with. I do think you should dump anyone who seems to go after everyone you're interested in or any one person you are actually involved with or recently broken up with, of course -- and yes that has happened to me. I just think the time on this deal expired a long time ago when she let you know she wasn't interested. At that time, it would have been kind for your friend to leave a decent amount of time before moving in, like maybe a few months. But you never having been really involved with her, have no claim to her beyond expecting a best friend or two to back off just long enough for you to have your shot at her -- but that was over way back then. So I get the problem from back years ago, but not this. Now, if this present guy starts having a habit of moving in on anyone you talk to, yes, get rid of him. But I'd say not from this one-time NY Eve thing given the fact he had no reason to think she was with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bob1285 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) i would dump both of them Edited February 4, 2015 by bob1285 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 And above all else he lied to me as he agreed he wouldn't associate with her. So my question is : is my feelings of being upset justified or an over reaction. He shouldn't have agreed to not associate with her anymore, but you shouldn't have asked him to do that in the first place. So the only thing he did wrong was to go back on his word by continuing to speak to her. He broke a promise that should have never existed in the first place. It would be a real shame to end a good friendship over this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 It sounds to me that you were hoping to rekindle something and that's why you went to the party but your friend made out with her instead and now you're upset because he stole your girl. If you didn't have some feelings for this woman I don't think this would upset you nearly as much as it has and there would not be a need to reconsider your friendship with your best bud. However, if you did make it clear to your friend that you'd appreciate it if he didn't pursue anything with her, and he still does, then I probably wouldn't be friends with him much longer. I'd be ticked off, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lionheart153 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Ok so I get that I had no right to ask that of him, and maybe i did have some lingering feelings for her, but I dont want to date her or anything because of the history as it is. I'm more concerned on my friendship, I guess its wrong to expect him to not talk to her. But friends kind of do that, at least good friends, I know that if I even spoke to his Ex or a girl he was interested in, he wouldn't like it. And I do have the ability to do that if I want to, but I choose not to because I place my friendship more important. Does it not seem like hes choosing attention from this girl over our friendship when he knows I would not be happy about it? Am I wrong to feel disrespected in this regard? He was saying before how he understands why me and her were always talking before because she fills a need or something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 She's not your ex, so most people are not going to grant you "ex" type rules, especially since it's never going to happen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I dont want to date her or anything because of the history as it is. Then why do you care if your friend talks to her? This is an honest question. Please explain. I know that if I even spoke to his Ex or a girl he was interested in, he wouldn't like it. Has he told you this? If not, why don't you ask him how he would feel if you spoke to or even dated his ex or someone he's ever been interested in? If he's never told you this, maybe you're projecting your own feelings onto him. Because if someone asked me if I would care if a friend wanted to date one of my exes or people I had a crush on, I'd tell them to go for it. Yeah, I'd probably feel kind of weird about it, but that's my own problem that I'd need to get over. They're adults. They can do what they want. Does it not seem like hes choosing attention from this girl over our friendship when he knows I would not be happy about it? No, because attention from the other sex is wonderful, and I don't think you'd want to deprive him of that. Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Well, since you are completely done with girl X, and it sounds like he really likes her....is it worth forgetting the friendship for some stupid girl that probably will hurt him too? I think not. I would probably get together with your friend, and just get it off your chest that you were upset about it, but ask if you guys can move past it. Relationships come and go, you have to choose which ones you want in your life permanently, and which are temporary. Link to post Share on other sites
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